So tell me about YOUR 15/16yo...

[Theoretica]

My 15yo son has been placed out of the home for the last almost-yearish for a myriad of reasons that aren't relevant to this particular thread. It looks like he'll be transitioning home soon, but he's changed SO much I hardly know what to think!

On one hand, I'm kinda looking forward to it because he seems to have matured a LOT, and seems to have dealt with a lot of his angst and issues. On the other hand, I'm really nervous about 'trying again' with his many extensive struggles.

At the same time, he's still just 15 (16 in a few months). But he hasn't lived here since he was a 14yo. He has REALLY grown up in the last year. He's about a foot taller (over 6ft), he's built like a truck, and he's just got an 'older' demeanor about him that you can just see, not the immature bratty-ness of before. So that's a good thing. He'll be going to school instead of homeschooled, so the stress of that is gone. He'll be taking a cab to therapy, so that's another thing we don't have to argue about.

So I'd like to know about YOUR 15/16yo and what they do with their free time. How much are they on the computer? What responsibilities do they have around the house? What do you do when they don't do their chores/expected contributions around the house? What kinds of perks do they have as teens that their younger siblings don't? What is their 'wandering radius'? How much do you monitor their activities/whereabouts? What are they allowed to do? What are they 'not allowed' or discouraged from doing? How much do you check up on them?

I'm trying VERY hard to walk the balance between really wanting to protect him from the world (which he would resent, clearly) and learning to let go. So let me peek into your relationship for a bit and see what I can glean from it

Thanks everyone!
~Theoretica

[Cherie2]

I started to reply to this last night, but stopped myself. But I saw your request so here it is
I didn't think you would want to hear from be because it sounds like you are looking for structure (and it sounds like it is what he needs) and that is not really how we live. I have changed my parenting philosophy (or it has evolved) in the last few years largely due to my 16 yo ds's influence. He craves independence.

The information that I have gained here and on the consensual living site has given me the courage to give him his life. He decides if he wants to go to school (which he does, go figure), he sets his own bedtime, hygiene schedule, curfew .. you get the picture. I discuss my concerns with him and listen to his. This works for us.

[Theoretica]

This is actually EXACTLY what I am looking for, thank you!!! I think if I were to have done anything 'wrong' with my 18yo, it was not giving her enough freedom to stretch her wings early on. I really struggled with that because of her diagnoses so I wanted to take the time to equip her as much as possible before she headed out into the real world. The trade off from that is that she felt smothered, and bolted as soon as she had the chance. Now, to be fair, we did have reason to curb her independence (rampant theft/pathological dishonesty/etc etc etc) but in retrospect I think it would have done her more good to have still navigated the world from home first. I don't know if I'm making any sense because it's hard to sum up everything I've learned in parenting over the last umpteen years in a post, but suffice it to say I really want to do better this time around. I've learned SO much from these boards so yeah...lemme have it

One thing I've *really* learned (here and from my kids) is that I can impose all the structure I want, but if they want to flip me off and go do whatever then that's the end of it. So it's got to be a mutual process. And before he gets home I want my end of the mutual process to be open to reality. He's going to be an adult VERY soon, whether *I* am ready for that or not. I do believe the more independence he has NOW, the better that transition will be. So I'm open to all the feedback I can get about how to get my head in the right spot here!

FWIW, I don't see it as my fault that 18yoDD has done the things she has, so don't get me wrong. And, we were pretty danged laid back too...no curfew, just give us a heads up where you are/what the plan is, no media restrictions, blah blah blah. But looking back I can just feel this endless power struggle re chores and accountability and 'family time' and whatnot. So I'm trying to figure out how to balance that out I guess. And hearing what other families (who have similar/same values/standards/etc) around here is exactly what can help me w/that!

We're very GD/CL w/The Littles...now help me do this w/The Biggies

TYVM!!!

[enkmom]

Mine are a little older, but I'll tell you how I did it. They didn't have a lot of free time, because they chose to get jobs. I provided the needs and some of the wants - they paid for anything above that and saved for college living expenses. My son was on the tennis team, so from March through May he was pretty close to home - practice, food, a little homework, some computer time, and off to bed. My daughter was (and is) a natural homebody.

My kids had cell phones, and were expected to answer them whenever I called. They went out on weekends, and let me know the plans beforehand. If the plans changed, they called to let me know. I asked them to be in by midnight. We had one computer, and it was in the dining room. I didn't monitor computer time too much, just asked that everyone respect that others wanted to use the computer too.

I did not want my son to play paintball, and he respected my wishes. I also didn't want them to attend drinking parties, and at 16 I'm pretty sure they didn't. I was always willing to have snacks and sodas around here, and my daughter and her friends usually hung out here. My son hung out at another friend's house whose mom felt the same way. They didn't have chores, exactly, other than to take the trash and recycling to the curb each week, but they were expected to help out as needed, and for the most part they did.

When they write their "dearest" book, they will tell about the time they didn't bring down their laundry after repeated requests. One day I loaded it all up, picked them up at school, and dropped them off at the laundromat. Told them to call me when they were done, and made them pay for it themselves. It got the point across.

Anything else you want to know or that I missed, just ask!

[BedHead]

16 was kind of the transition year for my boys. That's the age I was when I left home, and just knowing how I felt at that age (stifled by my overbearing parents) made me very conscious of allowing them freedoms I didn't have. I expected to know where they were, expected them to go to school, help out around the house when asked and when they could, but they had a lot of freedom. If they didn't go to school, they had to deal with the consequences at school - I didn't punish them at home too. Dd who is 15 now has even more freedom than they did. We don't have a lot of rules at all. 19 yo ds is not in a good place right now (there's a big long post up about that in here), whether that's because he was allowed so much freedom who can say. I know he wouldn't be as happy as he is if I'd been the same parents I had.

[Dar]

I didn't answer last night for the same reason as Cherie... but since you said that you want to here from parents like us...

Rain (turned 16 2 months ago) pretty much runs her own life. Around the house, things are really more roommate-ish - we both do the communal cooking and cleaning, and I probably cook a meal for us more often than she does but it's not like she expects me to cook for her every meal. She cleans her own room, does her own laundry, etc, although I make sure we have laundry soap and stuff. We both try to keep up with dishes and cleaning, and when the floors get gross (all wood floors, and we have a fluffy dog) one of us usually convinces he other to work together and sweep and mop it all.

I also ask that she keep her phone with her and answer if when possible, and if she misses a call I ask that she return the call or text me as soon as she gets the message (if she's in class, for example, she turns off her phone). She homeschools but takes cc classes, which are totally her deal, except on the rare occasions she asks me for help or advice. She handles studying, homework, getting herself to and from class (public transportation, except when the weather is bad or it's really early I give her a ride if I'd available).

She also does a theatre group and a philosophy class with our homeschool group - her choice, I drive - and she volunteers at the aquarium (takes the bus). Oh, and she's president of the school French club, and she handles all that, except that I helped her design a flier.

Other than that, she pretty much does her own thing... plans social activities, goes out, gets home, etc. I do expect to know roughly what she's doing - not exactly where or with whom, but something like "hanging out on the Loop with Paul and some other guys" is fine. I can always call if I need to know more, and she can always call if she needs me. Once I called because I got a bad feeling, just to see if she was okay... and she was, and she sort of laughed, but it was okay that I called, too. She doesn't have a curfew, but I like to know when I can expect her, and if she's planning to sleep at home, and if not, where... all of this is fine with her, and it also works both ways. I tell her what I'm up to, and she can call me if she's wondering where I am. I try to call her if I'm running late, and she does the same.

I really think the communication is the key, and also being on your kid's side. I see Rain as a good, competent, bright person attempting to navigate a difficult stage of life, and I see my role as being someone she can count on to help her to that. I advise, suggest, show concern... very rarely do I say flat-out "no, you can't" - I can't remember the last time I did, so it's probably been years.

Dar

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

So I'd like to know about YOUR 15/16yo and what they do with their free time. How much are they on the computer?

DS1 isn't on the computer all that much, partly because dh and I hog it. I spend a lot (too much) time online, and we only have one computer. DH is also in an IT field, so he quite often has to kick me or ds1 off the computer to use it for work. Other than that, ds1 does use it, sometimes after we go to bed. Sometimes, that's for school, but he also spends time on facebook and looking for stuff on youtube. It's never been a problem, so I don't monitor it much.

What responsibilities do they have around the house?

DS1 sets the table (including water pitcher and napkins) every night, although dd is starting to take this over. DS1 also puts the dishwasher dishes in the dishwasher after dinner. (I usually do the hand dishes.)

He's also responsible for taking out the garbage, recyclables (mixed paper, plastics/glass/metal, newspaper) and compost. All the dumpsters/containers are located close together in our complex parking lot.

He also cleans the bathrooms once every two weeks (Sundays). On the alternating Sunday, he picks up and vacuums the living room/dining room/office area.

He also does his own laundry and is responsible for keeping his random stuff out of the common areas (this is his weak spot).

What do you do when they don't do their chores/expected contributions around the house?

I honestly don't know. If they don't get done on time, we remind him, and he does them. Just "not doing them" hasn't really come up.

What kinds of perks do they have as teens that their younger siblings don't?

That's too broad-based to answer, for us. His younger siblings are 3.5 and not-quite-6, so....lots of perks for ds1.

What is their 'wandering radius'? How much do you monitor their activities/whereabouts?

DS1 can go pretty much anywhere, as long as we know where he is and what he's doing (that can just be "we're hanging out, watching movies, playing in the forest"). That means an address for friends we don't already know. He has a cellphone (got it one year ago for his birthday), and all hell will break loose if he doesn't answer it, which he knows.

What are they allowed to do? What are they 'not allowed' or discouraged from doing? How much do you check up on them?

He's allowed to do pretty much anything that's legal. He does have a curfew when he goes out, and that varies from weekdays to weekends, and is somewhat dependent on what he's doing. We don't really check up on him, because we've never had any evidence that we can't trust him. (He was at a party where some kids were drinking. He left, with a couple friends, and went to another guy's house. I was fine with that. He told me, two days later, that he and two other friends had split a drink before they left, because his conscience was bothering him for hiding that from me. No trust issues at this time, yk?

As for what he does with his free time, aside from what we've already discussed:

He's on the school gymnastics team, so from November to March, he has practices 2-3 times a week. When it's time for regional and provincial finals, he's crazy busy with practices and set-up and stuff. Gymnastics just ended, and now he's playing Ultimate, so he has practice twice a week (I think - he hasn't given me the paperwork yet). He has homework pretty much every night, so that keeps him busy, as well. When he's bored, he tends to pick up a pen and draw, pull out a book (the driving guide right now ) or comic, or pick up his guitar. Sometimes, he pulls out his juggling stuff. He's also toyed with leathercrafting, origami, magic tricks, and took some trapeze lessons. Right now, he wants to learn to ride a unicycle, wants to fit guitar lessons back into his schedule (couldn't work them in for most of the year) and really wants to take some blacksmithing classes. He's trying to figure out how to fit drama classes in, as well - he doesn't like his school's drama instructor, so he dropped it this year. He's also in choir. He works out in his room for half an hour at bedtime most nights. Oh - and he also likes to play his Wii.

Honestly, ds1 has so many interests that filling his free time has never been a problem. His biggest problem is scheduling things so that he has family time, doesn't collapse from exhaustion (he basically did that after last year's gymnastics finals) and can still get his schoolwork done.

[orangefoot]

My 15yo will be 16 in the summer and he seems to be struggling with the freedom he wants and is on offer but is afraid in some way to grasp.

He hangs out with his friends all day if he can. They walk, talk, eat, play frisbee for hours, watch movies and eat some more. They have a small dinghy which they paddled up and down the river last year and are looking forward to doing again. He calls me if they are going to the next town or if he thinks he will be later than he had said. We eat together as a family every day and it is rare that he isn't home to set the table and eat with us although sometimes it is as late as 8pm.

He washes up after dinner, washes his own lunchbox or I don't put a lunch in it (I went back to making lunches for them about a year ago after them doing their own for about 3 years) He puts washing in the machine or on the washing line or back into peoples rooms if I ask and cleans if I ask too. We don't have set chores.

He doesn't play sports or belong to any clubs other than a fortnightly church based youth club where he eloquently defends his right not to believe that he needs 'saving'. He games with his brother and listens to all kinds of music and introduces us to new music that we all like. He reads a lot of books, IMs his friends, reads 'How Stuff Works' or other science-y sites online almost everyday taking turns with everyone else who wants to be online at the same time!

Last summer he and his friends all spent the weekend at a music festival 20 minutes away from our house and camped overnight. They have all bought tickets to do this again this year and are looking forward to it. Friends with younger children asked how we could let a 14yo do this last year but we trusted him to do what he felt was right and he had a great weekend.

He tells me that he is in a rut, that he is bored with what he is doing day after day and that he would be happy to go somewhere new and start again. He can't see how to be different here or do anything different as he feels that his role is fixed and he can't see how to step to one side and be different. He has had the same friends for 4 years and done more or less the same things after school and on weekends for all that time.

I am seeing that I need to help him now as much if not more than I help my younger children and that spending time over and above our usual talking/sharing is needed. He is a good boy and looks like a young man complete with a moustache which grows between shaves but sometimes I think he wants to hang on to my trouser leg like my little ones do.

He doesn't want to continue going to school after his exams this summer and I feel that I want him at home with us and not at school just so that we can just 'be' and let him find who he is away from the structure of school and his relatively small social circle.

To be honest I'm not sure where we go from here and I am more than a little unsure.

[lab]

Originally Posted by Dar

I didn't answer last night for the same reason as Cherie... but since you said that you want to here from parents like us...

Rain (turned 16 2 months ago) pretty much runs her own life. Around the house, things are really more roommate-ish - we both do the communal cooking and cleaning, and I probably cook a meal for us more often than she does but it's not like she expects me to cook for her every meal. She cleans her own room, does her own laundry, etc, although I make sure we have laundry soap and stuff. We both try to keep up with dishes and cleaning, and when the floors get gross (all wood floors, and we have a fluffy dog) one of us usually convinces he other to work together and sweep and mop it all.

I also ask that she keep her phone with her and answer if when possible, and if she misses a call I ask that she return the call or text me as soon as she gets the message (if she's in class, for example, she turns off her phone). She homeschools but takes cc classes, which are totally her deal, except on the rare occasions she asks me for help or advice. She handles studying, homework, getting herself to and from class (public transportation, except when the weather is bad or it's really early I give her a ride if I'd available).

She also does a theatre group and a philosophy class with our homeschool group - her choice, I drive - and she volunteers at the aquarium (takes the bus). Oh, and she's president of the school French club, and she handles all that, except that I helped her design a flier.

Other than that, she pretty much does her own thing... plans social activities, goes out, gets home, etc. I do expect to know roughly what she's doing - not exactly where or with whom, but something like "hanging out on the Loop with Paul and some other guys" is fine. I can always call if I need to know more, and she can always call if she needs me. Once I called because I got a bad feeling, just to see if she was okay... and she was, and she sort of laughed, but it was okay that I called, too. She doesn't have a curfew, but I like to know when I can expect her, and if she's planning to sleep at home, and if not, where... all of this is fine with her, and it also works both ways. I tell her what I'm up to, and she can call me if she's wondering where I am. I try to call her if I'm running late, and she does the same.

I really think the communication is the key, and also being on your kid's side. I see Rain as a good, competent, bright person attempting to navigate a difficult stage of life, and I see my role as being someone she can count on to help her to that. I advise, suggest, show concern... very rarely do I say flat-out "no, you can't" - I can't remember the last time I did, so it's probably been years.

Dar

OT

I love reading your posts about Rain.

My ds is a year behind Rain and I depend on you for ages/stages info!