college frustrations

[catina]

Is anyone out there frustrated with their teen's lack of initiative with the college process? My stepson is very smart but both his parents were frustrated with his initial lack of initiative in applying to schools. He eventually stepped up to the plate. Now he has been accepted to three state institutions (very good ones) and is awaiting the answer from the private colleges he has applied to. He shows no interest at all in going to visit any of these colleges. It's difficult b/c one doesn't want to be pushy. As a stepmom, I can't afford that anyway. However, his decision impacts all of us financially--and, most importantly, he really should be doing all he can to choose a place where he would be happy and get the most of the college experience. Anyone else experience this? He is a pretty passive person who does well, but shows little passion for anything. . . which is so different from me that I have a hard time even thinking of how to talk about it. I have asked if he really wants to go to college, and he says yes. But is he just going through the motions./ . . . I suspect so.

[jillmamma]

You know, going away to college is SUCH a major change. Exciting yes, but also can be pretty scary. At least it was for me. I acted that exact same way till it came close to deadlines because it was my way of trying to avoid the issue as long as possible. I think I was kind of freaked out by having to be alone in a lot of the responsibilities that came with being a college student away from home and adult. I had this huge pile of college brochures in my room for the longest time that it took forever for me to go through as I felt overwhelmed by the whole process. I wonder if he could be feeling some of the same anxieties about the whole process that I did at the time? What finally helped me was my mom sitting down with me and finally talking over what was bothering me and helping me go through the brochures and get a plan in place for what to do next. Another thing my parents did that really helped a LOT was to make it a family trip over spring break my junior year to visit a bunch of different schools around my state so I could see the different campuses, get a tour, and a feel for which ones were a real possibility. My problem has always been where do I start? Perhaps by helping him create a checklist of things he needs to do to get ready with deadlines for each item it would help him to have a plan and get it in motion? Is is possible for a parent to go with him to a couple of different schools over a weekend or something? Just plan the trip and go, not waiting around for HIM to tell you when he wants to go?

Good luck! I am sure it must be frustrating. I know it was for my mom, but we got through it, and once I started at college, I did well. You sound like a really sweet, caring person, and he is lucky to have you in his life.

[KaraBoo]

In what way does his decision impact you financially? Do you mean you are paying tuition? Or a portion of tuition?

What's your relationship like with him apart from this?

Could you gently talk to him about his choices and be honest about your financial part in all of it? Ask if he needs some support or help in choosing. Ask if he just wants to vent about how scared he might be about the big changes in his life. Are any of these colleges far away, perhaps? Maybe he is feeling apprehensive about moving away from support systems...

Good luck!

[MusicianDad]

I think the first thing to ask is does he want to attend college at this point in his life and what does he want to study? Because it the answer is no, I don't know respectively then chances are it's just going to be a huge waste of money anyway and it would be better to wait for him to be ready and willing.

[imagine21]

I was a high school teacher for 17 years and a college counselor for 5. He sounds like he is doing just fine. There is no reason for him to visit until he hears from the private schools and knows what all of his options are. I know that you want him to talk to you and his parents about this but he obviously doesn't want to. It is obvious that he cares enough to complete his school work, complete the applications and will eventually make the right decision for him in a timely manner. My advice is to recognize all that he has done RIGHT and let him be. If he wants your input, he will ask for it.

In terms of the financial impact, have you had NO discussions about it at all? If so, you need to let him know how much you are willing to pay and how much he will be responsible for (loans, financial aid, etc...) I would suspect that this conversation has taken place in some form because FAFSA forms were due last month. If the financial issue makes some of his options impossible, let him know.

I advise families to set up weekly or biweekly meetings, with agendas and don't talk about the college issues outside of that forum. Keep the meetings short and to the point. Let his agenda items go first. Listen to him, let him speak first, ask him what he needs from you rather than tell him that you are concerned. Students don't want to feel as if their parents are nagging so if there are bounderies for the conversations, sometimes they progress in a more mutually agreeable manner.

Again, it sounds as if he HAS options and that is a great thing. Congratulations, you have a son going to college!

[Labbemama]

Just wanted to say I read your post and wish we were this far along in the process and that dd gave a fig about her grades. LOL We just had a little talk about possible scholarships to Christian colleges and how dd has no clue what school she wants to go to and I threw the possibility that she could go to the jr. college for two years while she gets an idea what she wants to do. She's at the end of her sophomore year, but if you talk to the school Guidance Counselor you should have your whole life mapped out by now. We have time, I just hope she will begin to get some inspiration what she wants to do...

[pranamama]

Your stepson applied to more colleges than I did, which I think shows that he is motivated, or his parents are .... His acceptance rate is good already, no worries there, not everyone wants to go "visit" a school to choose it, he may not need to do that. I got a pretty accurate vibe from phone conversations with school employees personally. As long as he meets the deadlines he is doing great.

[catina]

Thank you so much for your messages! I feel better already.
I do think that he is, despite a certain passivity, a kid with a head on his shoulders. He does seem to have a career plan.
I do think that I have a decent relationship with him, especially considering that we are very different. We have actually bonded over the college application process (once he got going), and I have given him a great deal of reassurance.
Being a stepmom means I am on the sidelines. Yes, any financial decision affects me because my husband and I have a joint account. I don't have a problem with this, and I want to support my SS anyway. But I do want to have boundaries, and it's hard knowing that I don't have that authority. The parents seem to be on the same page re: college, but their communication is generally very poor. SS does know what their legal agreement about payment is, and also how much has been saved for him.
I have to just stay calm and see what happens. Thanks again.