Social Stigma of CLW

[dianakaye]

The other day I was visiting a friend who made a disparaging remark about older children breastfeeding. My son is only four months old but I plan to do CLW. How do you handle the social stigma of breastfeeding longer than many americans do? Do you do it in secret? How do you gracefully handle remarks? I really would like to be classy but sometimes I get pretty peeved when women judge others' choices in parenting (especially if it's an unselfish choice). Any advice would be appreciated!

[Rikki Jean]

I definitely don't keep it a secret, but I've also learned not to broadcast it to the world (not that you're doing that, but when I was pg with my first and for a time after he was born, I thought that it was my job to educate everyone around me about why I was doing what I was doing ).

When someone makes a negative comment to me/in a conversation that I'm involved in about a child who is 3, 4, 5 and still nursing (or even just, *gasp* old enough to ask for it!!! ), they usually don't realize that my 3.5 y/o is still nursing. In those situations, I interject some statistic/fact/etc. that I know about CLW/"very" extended nursing, and proceed from there. Sometimes it ends positively, and sometimes I have to remove myself from the situation.


ETA: You might be interested in this thread: http://mothering.com/discussions/sho....php?t=1050875

[prothyraia]

My SIL, who works in social services with mothers and children , once said something to me along the lines of "Just don't be one of those people breastfeeding their three year old...old enough to ask for it...blahblahblahblah". This was when my oldest was just an infant. I think I responded with "I just might be one of those people."

My oldest is two now, still nursing, asks to nurse by saying "Need to neeeerse! Ask niceleeeey!".

She hasn't brought it up since.

No one else has said anything to me about it, and I certainly don't hide what I'm doing. If someone did feel the need to comment, I'd probably ramble on about species-normal weaning age and how strange our culture is until they got bored and left me alone

[jjawm]

I don't publicize it. My family knows, all of my friends know. The neighbors don't, I don't think.

I don't NIP anymore. She asks for it in public, sometimes loudly, and I just say "we'll do that later, sweetie".

[meemee]

i love activism. but i am limited with how much i do. not much. but i have always felt bfeeding definitely needed activism.

and so i dont hide it. in fact sometimes i blatantly advertise it. i never let my dd hide her expression if she wants to tell someone she still nurses at 6 1/2.

i NIPed till she was 4 - at the public library at that. i still remember that last time. that was the last time was coz she never asked to NIP again.

the thing is this is one cause i have felt VERY STRONGLY about. esp. when i have enjoyed it myself and seen what a huge benefit it is to my dd. i was v. adamant no one would change our bfeeding relationship except my dd or me.

when you take a stand - REALLY take a stand and stand firm, people see you and leave you alone. except when i went home to asia and my mom and family tried to talk me out of bfeeding, i have never faced negative comments in this country at all - from strangers. my ex inlaws gently suggested but i v. kindly also told them thank you but no thanks.

the best way for me is knowing beforehand that no matter what anyone thought of me, i would do it. when you hold your head high and not let their comments get to you or feel shame - all those people fall by teh wayside.

plus for me what makes negative comments bearable is i take the attitude that they are jealous of me and somehow those comments seem more tolerable.

[mom2threenurslings]

I've collected responses over the years...I'll post them below...

I have been nursing for the past 10 years, pregnant nursing, tandem nursing, tandem nursing through pregnancy and triandem nursing. I've nursed an almost 7 year old. I'm currently nursing a 1 year old, 3.5 year old and an almost-7 year old. I've nursed 6 year olds in public. I do make it known that I'm nursing an "older" child if the subject comes up. I'm very confident that what I'm doing is right and there's no law here in CT that puts an age limit on nursing.

What to I say when people make comments about children being too old to nurse or somesuch? I say, "That's interesting...why do you think that?" or "My kids don't think so." or "Did you know that the natural age of weaning in humans is between 2 and 7 years and that's biologically normal?" or "Yeah...but isn't the epidemic of forced premature weaning even worse?" (if I'm in a bad mood ).

Here is a collection of responses - some tactful, some not so much!

Q: "Are you STILL nursing?"

"Yes! Isn't it WONDERFUL! He's getting all that nutrition, not to mention antibodies to everything that he comes in contact with and all the other benefits of breastmilk!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"No, I'm not, my mother lives too far away/I was bottlefed. Alex is, though."

"Of course! Nothing but the best for your grandson!" (or nephew or whatever)

"Yes, isn't it amazing? I am so glad he's not in a hurry to grow up"

"Yes, it's really been a life-saver, it is the only liquid he'll drink when he's not feeling well"

"Absolutely, isn't love a wonderful thing?"

"No, he's over there playing at the moment."

"I was never a nurse. I don't like needles! I'm an SAHM, remember?"

"Yes, his doctor is so thrilled. So many moms give up due to pressures of friends and family" (hint hint)

"Yes, and he's a real pro at it. I am so proud of him"

"Everyone asks that, it must be because he's so incredibly healthy"

"I get that question all the time. It is so great that people are looking out for him!"

"Yes, he deserves the very best. He's such a good baby."

"Of course, I am glad you keep asking. It shows you want the best for him"

"Of course, I wouldn't dare ask someone else to do it for me!"

"What do you mean still? The bare minimum is two years!"

"Yep! The equipment is still in operation."

"Absolutely! It's a great way for both of us to take a break!"

"Actually, he's the one doing the nursing, I just sit here. "


"When are you planning on weaning?"

"I'm not. He'll wean me."

"Before he graduates"

"He hasn't told me yet."

"I haven't asked him yet. He doesn't really make plans for the future at this point. He just does things day to day"

"I hope not for a while. We're both enjoying our time together"

"What, and get my PMS back? are you crazy?"

"I don't know. He seems to still enjoy it and I enjoy those extra 500 calories I burn"

"It is so hard to plan anything with a baby. We're just doing things day to day."

"We're in no rush, he has time to make up his own mind"

"Thanks for asking. Everyone seems to need an answer for that except for me and my child."

"We're in the process of weaning." (this, if said after your child has started consuming solid foods, is absolutely true because the weaning process starts once your child starts eating solids ... you can leave out that it could take years for your child to wean... )

"I weaned a long time ago, when I was two I think. "

"(pause) Oh, you were talking to me? I thought you were asking him...he can't answer you yet."

"Weaning isn't even in his vocabulary yet."

"Not sure, I hope he is allowed to nurse as long as he likes."


Isn't he a little old for that?

(while nursing) "Apparently not, the equipment still works for him."

(surprised) "What?! He isn't even out of diapers!"

"I used to think like you, but then I nursed a baby for the first time and all the rules changed."

"This is what works for our family. Unless it becomes a problem, we're not going to change things."

"His doctor didn't think so."

"Nope, he's only three."

"Obviously he isn't."

"If I thought that way, would I still do it?"

"No, I don't think he is, do you?"


He doesn't NEED to nurse at this age!

"That's interesting. What makes you think that?"

"I'm parenting the way that feels right to me."

"I respect your opinion and value your advice, but I have thought this out carefully and done a lot of research, and my mind is made up. I will be happy to respect your opinion and listen to what you have to say, but you have to respect my decision--and it is MY decision."

"As the mother of this baby, and because of all I've learned about the importance of breastfeeding, in my heart of hearts this is what I want - and need - to do for my child right now. If you love us both, you need to support me in this decision."

"You know how the medical community is always changing their recommendations. Well, this is what they recommend now--this is the best I have to go on, and I feel good about breastfeeding."

"He doesn't need his teddy bear either and but we still give it to him."

"Maybe not, why don't you read up on it for me. Maybe you can find out if there is an expiration date for my milk."

"Only HE knows what he needs and obviously he still needs it."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Shhh - not in front of him, you'll make him feel bad. "(then later say "I would prefer it if you wouldn't talk about nursing in front of the baby. How would you feel if someone was telling you that you were too old for something?")

"And you don't NEED to eat that doughnut, but you still are."


He should be drinking cow's milk from a cup by now.

"I am sure he knows how, but if you were him, which would you prefer?"

"Why? Are we raising him to be a cow?"

"He likes human milk from these cups better at the moment."

"Why would I want to replace nursing with something that costs money and is nutritionally and immunologically inferior?"

"Really? Where did you read that? My research shows that my milk is just the thing he needs."

"Why? Human milk is made for humans...and it's free!"

"What could we possibly gain from that?"

[Zadee]

I don't NIP (except for big owies) any more but I'm very open about still nursing my children. No one has ever given me any hassle - I think I have a "don't F with me" sign on my forehead though because I've worked with boob starers who never glanced below my face and touchers who never laid a hand on me.

[tree-hugger]

I LOVE that list

[witchygrrl]

Me too.

[contactmaya]

"Yeah...but isn't the epidemic of forced premature weaning even worse?" ).[/QUOTE]

Hey, i like that....

Im totally open about nursing my baby (whose 3), i dont know, i like the convenience ;-)

[frontierpsych]

My favorite for "When is he going to wean?" is "Hopefully before he grows a moustache-- that might tickle!" or "Depends on where he decides to go to college."

Kinda has that :nana: vibe to it, lol

[sapphire_chan]

I've been telling people I plan to nurse until my LO says "no thanks, I'd rather have something else" when I offer the breast since before I got pregnant. Putting it out loud like that is helping prepare me to not hide things when the time comes.

The other thing that's helping my mental preparation is all the moms of nursing 3+ y.o.s I know say that the times a toddler or child nurses are different than the times a baby nurses. Of course, I don't know how much that is because of subtle cues about when it's okay to nurse.

Welcome to MDC!

[CultivatingMyRoots]

You live right near me!!

Mine is only 21 months (but HUGE and wearing 3T) so I still think she's in the 'normal' nursing range, but I've already gotten comments and my response usually is something along the lines of 'She's the healthiest, smartest, and biggest baby I know. It makes sense that whatever has worked so far to keep her that way is something we'll be doing for a while.'

Although I've been known to be rude and say something like 'and look where early weaning left you!' But that's usually when they've been rude/insensitive otherwise first, which is rare.

[pinky]

For me, it has made a HUGE different to have found a community of other moms (through LLL) who are nursing their kids for a long time. This has helped normalize it for me and my kids. When my nephew weaned at 2.5, my kids talked about how early that was!

[mommydancer]

I would suggest a "code word" for when the child asks to nurse. I can't take credit for planning ours...happened as part of learning to speak...he called every food "banana" for a brief period, and a part of that word "morphed" into an invented nonesense word that is now used in reference to nursing. REALLY handy though, because when the 2.5 yo is urgently asking in a grocery line or something, no one else knows what he means.

[Mandynee22]

I don't keep it a secret. People that know me know not to say anything negative anymore. It isn't worth it. I kind of throw off the attitude that it's some kind of abuse not to CLW- obviously I don't believe that because DD was bottle fed after a couple months- but it's more like... I lived, I learned, I'm more educated now and if you don't agree than you're just ignorant. It might not be very mature... but it's working.
Once in a while the fact that DS nurses will come up with someone I don't know but I usually just say it so matter-of-fact that no one says anything

[njbeachbums]

Kudos to all you mamas! Both of my "older" children gave it up cold turkey when I hit 32 weeks pregnant with the next one. One afternoon, my oldest, Noah, climbed up on my lap while I was on the couch, laid down and fell asleep for his nap. He never asked again. Until his sister was born, 8 weeks later and he saw her nursing. I let him nurse again, and he was like eh...and kept it short and never asked again. Then when my daughter was his age, and baby 3 was on the way, she pushed me away at bed time, cried for daddy, and that was that for her. She was done with me. Now when I nurse her baby brother, she likes to "E.T. phone home" with my nipple, and chuckles when I get lazy and let one hang out while switching to the other side.

So the oldest 2 went to 16 months each. I pray I won't have a pregnancy to wean the baby!! So who knows how long he will go. I have no intentions on stopping him!

But I work one day a month on the Oncology unit at our local hospital. A newish mom nurse and I were talking about mom stuff and she asked something to which I replied "oh, I don't have a clue, I nurse my kids." and she says "OH MY GOD, I just went to my friends daughters 1st birthday party, and she STILL nurses her!! Can you believe that???" To which I said "WOW good for her!!! Some people find other peoples reactions too much to deal with and quit WAY before baby is ready for it. Jenna is 15 months and still going, so I get some of the crap she must have to deal with too." And she was all confused, not sure what to say. So I chimed back in with "As an ONCOLOGY nurse surely you reminded her of all the benefits she is giving to her baby AND herself, dramatically lowering her chance of breast cancer and yadda yadda" So then she felt dumb, and started telling me why she only did it for 12 weeks. And how horrible it was for everyone. I reassured her that 12 weeks was better than nothing, and surely her daughter is much better off for it. And to find a LLL leader for help next time, as it should be one of the most beautiful and intimate experiences of your life.

I just try and make them think for a few minutes. Odds are, I won't change anyone, but I like to expose them to a new way of thinking.

[njbeachbums]

Kudos to all you mamas! Both of my "older" children gave it up cold turkey when I hit 32 weeks pregnant with the next one. One afternoon, my oldest, Noah, climbed up on my lap while I was on the couch, laid down and fell asleep for his nap. He never asked again. Until his sister was born, 8 weeks later and he saw her nursing. I let him nurse again, and he was like eh...and kept it short and never asked again. Then when my daughter was his age, and baby 3 was on the way, she pushed me away at bed time, cried for daddy, and that was that for her. She was done with me. Now when I nurse her baby brother, she likes to "E.T. phone home" with my nipple, and chuckles when I get lazy and let one hang out while switching to the other side.

So the oldest 2 went to 16 months each. I pray I won't have a pregnancy to wean the baby!! So who knows how long he will go. I have no intentions on stopping him!

But I work one day a month on the Oncology unit at our local hospital. A newish mom nurse and I were talking about mom stuff and she asked something to which I replied "oh, I don't have a clue, I nurse my kids." and she says "OH MY GOD, I just went to my friends daughters 1st birthday party, and she STILL nurses her!! Can you believe that???" To which I said "WOW good for her!!! Some people find other peoples reactions too much to deal with and quit WAY before baby is ready for it. Jenna is 15 months and still going, so I get some of the crap she must have to deal with too." And she was all confused, not sure what to say. So I chimed back in with "As an ONCOLOGY nurse surely you reminded her of all the benefits she is giving to her baby AND herself, dramatically lowering her chance of breast cancer and yadda yadda" So then she felt dumb, and started telling me why she only did it for 12 weeks. And how horrible it was for everyone. I reassured her that 12 weeks was better than nothing, and surely her daughter is much better off for it. And to find a LLL leader for help next time, as it should be one of the most beautiful and intimate experiences of your life.

I just try and make them think for a few minutes. Odds are, I won't change anyone, but I like to expose them to a new way of thinking.

[Novella]

Originally Posted by dianakaye

The other day I was visiting a friend who made a disparaging remark about older children breastfeeding. My son is only four months old but I plan to do CLW. How do you handle the social stigma of breastfeeding longer than many americans do? Do you do it in secret? How do you gracefully handle remarks? I really would like to be classy but sometimes I get pretty peeved when women judge others' choices in parenting (especially if it's an unselfish choice). Any advice would be appreciated!

Well, I've had co-workers make disparaging remarks. In that case, I did not address it as it was my first baby and she was a newborn. I did not have personal experience to counter their silly remarks.

I have not been confronted with a situation like this (although I'm certain some people make comments about how ghastly it is when they are not in my presence). I think I would just go with,

"Yes, several years ago, I used to be a bit squeamish on the idea. I'm so grateful that I gave myself a chance to become better educated on the topic. Life is just one big process of learning and growning, isn't it?"

[SmoothieMom]

If anyone saw me nursing they would make remarks, my DD (15 months) refuses to be covered in any way and makes me take my shirt off. I've never been able to nurse her in public good thing I am a SAHM.