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Choices that I wish I didnt have to make.

post #1 of 79
Thread Starter 
Had to be made. My life had almost already been lost, apparently 2 litters of blood loss within 2 minutes should have done that? I kept conscious. Doctors put fear in my heart and clogged my mind. According to them carrying my child was killing me; it was a matter of time before a heart attack, stroke, and/or death.
My options were continue with the pregnancy with the one or all of the above happening to me, having a minimal risk D and E, or "induction termination" with a greater risk. I trust my body to birth, it had done so twice. Although I wavered the thought of hurting my child and not seeing it was too much too handle. I opted the the I/T.
They began this tuesday evening by inserting 6 laminarias(sp) into my cervix. This was very painful/uncomfortable. After I had to urinate into a bed pan; this led to EXTREME burning around and inside my vagina. The nurse put epifoam and gave me 2mg morphine via IV. The burning/urine kicked the lams in, this caused great discomfort, but the morphine made me knock out. A nurse woke me up to move me to another room. This nurse, Elise, was an angel and Im so blessed to have had her as my nurse yesterday. At 6 am they started with the mizosomething, a little pill they insert into the cervix to start labor. They continued putting one in every 3 or so hours. It was a good, cathartic labor. I didn't want the trouble of an epi, so towards the end I opted for some more morphine, this did NOTHING for me. How this stuff helps people in major pain is beyond me. The Dr. came in to check me and put another mizo in. I was 4 cm and -2 station. She was convinced it would be awhile. Not 15 minutes later I birthed him. Matthew Burish Lettieri Jr. was born on March 18, 2009 at 5:05 pm, he weighed 12 oz and was 8 inches long. He passed between 7 and 7:30pm. He was perfect in every way and had the exact features of his father. He was so beautiful and beyond special.
I know he is with the Lord now, but Im selfish, I want my baby back. God is still amazing, nonetheless.
***The link below is to a picture of my son and I. He is an 18 week old baby; this may be too "graphic" for some.***
My Perfect Love.

Thank you for your support through this pregnancy and loss. I'll continue to pray for all you ladies, but it will be too painful for me to follow your journeys. I really have felt a bond with you ladies; many blessings from God to all of you. <3

*pls dont move my post.
post #2 of 79
Not in your DDC but had to post how sorry I am. Much love being sent your way.
post #3 of 79

I'm so sorry mama. My heart is broken for you and your family.
post #4 of 79
post #5 of 79
Oh Sweetie, i am so sorry for your loss.

Goodbye sweet Matthew, though you were only here for a short time, you will be loved forever.

All my love to you and your family ChichosMama.

post #6 of 79
I am so so so sorry you had to go through this. It really sucks. There are no words
post #7 of 79
You are so strong. I am so ver sorry that you losy Matthew and had to go through such scary times. I wish you support and strength on your journey.
post #8 of 79
Mama,I am so so sorry that you had to go through this.How perfect your little man is laying there on your breast.I am happy that you had a couple of hours to spend with your son.He was a strong boy and obviously wated to spend some time in your arms before his journey to god began.
much love and hugs
post #9 of 79
I am so sorry for your huge loss. my heart goes out to you!
post #10 of 79
I am so so sorry for your loss.
post #11 of 79
Hugs mama. Your post is so moving and brought tears to my eyes. I just want to reach out and hold you. What a strong mama you are.
Gods love and blessings.
post #12 of 79
I am truely sorry for your loss. You have incredible strength.
post #13 of 79
Crystal- He is beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please be good to yourself and put your pain in gods hands. I'm here anytime you need to talk.
post #14 of 79

I'm so, so, sorry for your loss.
post #15 of 79
I am so sorry for your loss.

Several years ago I also had to have and lose a baby at 20 weeks and I know how heartbreaking it is to hold that tiny, perfect, and very loved child.

Take care of yourself, mama.

Sending lots of love and blessings...

post #16 of 79
Oh honey, I'm so sorry for your loss.
post #17 of 79
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take care.
post #18 of 79
Your son is beautiful. I know the experience was very painful both emotionally and physically, but you allowed him to go with such dignity, at his mother's breast. Much love to you, Crystal, and I will pray for healing and comfort for you in your time of loss. XOXO
post #19 of 79
I agree with the others...your son is absolutely beautiful. The picture of him at your breast brought so many tears to my eyes. So many prayers for you and your family. Your strength is amazing.
post #20 of 79
Oh gosh. I'm so, so very sorry for your loss.
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