Please recommend a book that will help me with DD

[Dr.Worm]

Could someone please recommend a book that will help me with my nine-year-old dd? Most of the time she is a very sweet and helpful child but sometimes she gets this attitude where she just upsets me so much and I don't know what to do. For example, she is very sensitive to certain clothes and so when I or her Nana buy her something she refuses to wear it. She said she will pick out her clothes and wear them so I agreed sure! So we go to Target and she is acting so horribly..throwing down things on the floor she doesnt want and just talking to us in this really mean voice. I am sooo frustrated because I try so hard to use GD with her and so I explain to her that it hurts our feelings when she acts like that. Could someone please recommend a book that is GD that will help me? TIA!

[Dr.Worm]

I also was wondering about "Hold on To Your Kids" is that something that would help or is there something more appropriate for the situation?

[mamazee]

Is it just about issues regarding autonomy (like picking out her own clothes) or is does this come up in regard to other issues as well?

[Dr.Worm]

Oh it's everything these days...it's like she just became a teenager overnight!

[Niamh]

I don't have any book recommendations for someone that age, but maybe a suggestion for this exact clothes issue.

You're honoring her desire to pick out her own clothes, but the store seems overwhelming for her. Could she do some shopping online? I do quite a bit of my clothes shopping in the clearance sections of online stores. Less expensive sometimes than even thrift stores and lots of selection. If she doesn't like something she can just scroll right by it.

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by Niamh

I don't have any book recommendations for someone that age, but maybe a suggestion for this exact clothes issue.

You're honoring her desire to pick out her own clothes, but the store seems overwhelming for her. Could she do some shopping online? I do quite a bit of my clothes shopping in the clearance sections of online stores. Less expensive sometimes than even thrift stores and lots of selection. If she doesn't like something she can just scroll right by it.

OOOh...good idea!

[beanma]

I'll put in another plug for my favorite parenting book, copying myself from another thread...Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles (love the book, the title not so much) is more about all kinds of kids and all kinds of parents and how to navigate the waters of family harmony when your temperaments are different and you have different needs (think the extrovert who needs to talk about things and the introvert who needs a little peace and quiet).

You also might find some good stuff in Anthony Greene's books, like Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager. They're funny and fast reads and fairly AP/GD though not Alfie Kohn or anything.

Wanted to add that Target often overwhelms me. I think the online shopping suggestion is a good one, or just saying in a very loving friendly way, "Whoa. It seems like we're having a hard time today so let's try again another day."

[AAK]

I have a nine year old dd too. Sometimes it does seem like she is a teenager instead of a nine year old. However, if we are doing something that is meant to be for HER (like the shopping) and she behaves in a disrespectful manner, we leave. Simply put. After she has calmed down (or at least after I am calm) I explain why I felt she was rude/disrespectful and remind her that if she wants to be considered old enough to do her own clothes shopping (or whatever it is at the moment) then she needs to be able to control herself. Then I try to get a dialog about what was so frustrating to her that she lashed out in that matter. Sometimes, she simply has a bad day and anything/everything is overwhelming.

Good luck, I don't have a book rec., but wanted to share what I do.

Amy

edit to add that I would let her know that her behavior was not appropriate and give her a chance to modify it before I actually leave the store.

[fritz]

My DS is almost 4, so no been there done that advice; however, I'm in the middle of reading Playful Parenting, which is mostly about reconnecting and communicating with our children through play.

[Dr.Worm]

Thanks so much guys! I have Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinka so I would love to read her power struggles one..and maybe reread the first one...and I also heard good things from the get out of my life one also so I will look for these. and yes i understand..it makes sense that she would get overwhelmed shopping..it does happen to me too...and i also like the idea of just saying to her we are leaving unless you stop and then leaving. Also love playful parenting...need to reread that because I do notice a difference when we play together.
Lately she has been very sweet so who knows? the mood swings scare me.
Well, tomorrow there is no school so I am hoping some one-on-one time will help..maybe a walk to a park and store or something...

[LynnS6]

I second "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" (in fact, I need to re-read it now that dd has reached a new 'phase' of power struggles!)

Have you read "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen (and Listen So Your Children Will Talk)"? There are some useful ideas in there, and I think there's a version for teens.

Two other thoughts:
Try not to take the tone personally. Instead, explain (and model) how you'd like her to talk. I remember being yelled at as a child for being 'sassy' and I wasn't trying to be, I just felt strongly. So, instead of hearing my arguments, all my parents heard were my tone of voice. I'm sure it WAS rude, but it would have helped me tremendously to have them stop, say matter of factly, "that sounded rude, can you try that again?" and then deal with the substance of what I'd said.

I'd also recommend: The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron. While I know it seems like she's incredibly picky about clothes, for people who are highly sensitive, it's physically VERY uncomfortable sometimes to wear the 'wrong' kind of fabric or cut.

[beanma]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm

the mood swings scare me.
Well, tomorrow there is no school so I am hoping some one-on-one time will help..maybe a walk to a park and store or something...

Mood swings! That reminds me of a post I read on MDC a long time ago. The mom was saying that she tracked her 9ish-11ish yr old's mood swings and found they mimicked PMS and correctly correlated to when she did finally get her period. I don't think she got it early or anything either, so it could just be some hormonal swings starting up, too!

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by beanma

Mood swings! That reminds me of a post I read on MDC a long time ago. The mom was saying that she tracked her 9ish-11ish yr old's mood swings and found they mimicked PMS and correctly correlated to when she did finally get her period. I don't think she got it early or anything either, so it could just be some hormonal swings starting up, too!

: Plus, then you can be sort of prepared for a new bad mood after 3 weeks or so.

[Lilasmom]

Back to just that particular clothes issue Dr. Worm -- almost 30 years later, I remember having similar clothes/shopping issues with my mother, who wisely put me on a clothing allowance. I can't remember how much it was per month, but I was allotted a certain amount, and could borrow ahead, or let it compile, (for bigger purchases) and though she had final veto power (if it was too revealing, etc.) it was my decision what I bought. It saved us so much fighting. And it taught me beginning budgeting skills which has been a valuable tool.

[Super Glue Mommy]

sounds sensory realted to me. I would read "your highly sensitive child" i had the same issues with clothes when I was younger and what I needed was patience and understanding. the stores probably overwhelm her too. I can really understand your daughter.

plan ahead - make sure she is well rested, well fed, not overstimulated, and in an already good mood that day.
keep the trips short - we are going to go to this store for 30 minutes. then we can take a break at the car and decide if we want to go to another store.

let her know acceptable from unacceptable : yuo didn't like those pants. they didnt feel comfortable. you can just hand it back to me and say "these wont work mom".

don't rush her. to this day I am very picky about the ways clothes fit and feel. It takes me a long time to be sure im ready to commit to a purchase. sometimes I buy something and dont end up wearing it. It felt comfy in the store - for the 2 minutes it takes to try it on - but doesnt feel comfortable around the house.

[boatrat]

Hugs. I would also like to add that I remember for me at around that age I was having a lot of body issues as well as social issues where I wanted to dress like the popular kids at school, buy wasn't sure how and hadn't found my own personal style yet. Sorry, no book recs but I just wanted to mention this possibility since sometimes clothing issues are tied to much larger emotions, kwim?