how do you handle food issues?

[loveandgarbage]

i'm curious what limits/expectations/rules other mamas have, if any, in relation to eating.

my 2.5 yr old grazes (which i encourage and think is healthy), and is pretty picky with the foods he chooses. we have a pretty set breakfast, lunch and dinner, and ds will eat a snack portion of food at those times, usually. he gets what he asks for for breakfast. for lunch, i'll try to make something we'll both like (pb sandwiches, bagels and hummus, noodles, etc). for dinner i cook more to dh's and my taste, while still cooking something that ds has been known to eat "plain", even if it rarely happens. ds will get a little bit of what we're eating, along with other items he's sure to eat, like cheese cubes or apple slices. we never make him finish his food, or force food him in any way. the only exception is when we're going to have dessert that night (rarely), dh usually asks him to take one bite of food before he can have it. i'm not sure how i feel about this. i can see both sides, kwim?

so here's my issue: he asks for food all day long and then doesn't eat what he asks for. of course, this is on days when we're stuck inside, and i know he's bored, but it's getting annoying, honestly! i can tell he's not too hungry when he asks for "food" instead of something more specific. he makes me go through the contents of the pantry and fridge with him, until he settles on something, and then usually takes a bite an leaves it. some things i can put back, but some things, like his favorite, cereal and milk, are not able to be kept for next time. it's not the end of the world, but we waste a lot of food. i give him small portions, but still. sometimes i will ask him several times if he really wants something, and then it makes me so mad when he won't even take one bite once i've dished it out for him. i'll tell him that he should only ask for food that he wants, and remind him to do so next time. this isn't helping. i like the idea of a toddler tray that i leave out for the day, but none of the foods he eats will really work for that except maybe carrots and pieces of bread (and he goes weeks when he refuses those). i also need to attend to the needs of my 8 month old, and don't want to spend all day in the kitchen. so what am i to do? what would you do?

-designate times of the day that are snack times? say "no" when he asks for food at the wrong time?
-don't give him a choice? pick the foods for him? give him two or three foods to choose from when he asks for food? (have actually tried the latter, he doesn't want what i offered, lead to a battle of wills)
-when he asks repeatedly for something and then doesn't even eat one bite, what would you do?

this is one of the main reasons i try to get the boys out of the house both in the morning and the afternoon, because i'm so sick of dealing with it. but some days, we're inside and i want to be better equipped to deal!

[skueppers]

For a while when I felt like I was always being asked for food even when I thought the kids weren't really hungry, I had set snack times. It worked fine for us, but I don't do it anymore because the phase has passed.

[Deir]

I would designate specific snack times and try to set what the food is yourself. I know you need to be a little flexible but the more set it is the more freedom you have and also the less stress for him. You know how you feel when confronted with too many options? It takes away some stress when there is a really good routine. I wish I had been more strict( not really the right word) earlier on. Now we are working on getting all of us to eat whatever we have -to a point. I never force anything and I try to anticipate issues. If one of them really doesn't like what we have then they can have a piece of bread with butter. I definitely think I had alot of ambivalence about food- just letting them graze etc. But it just gets crazy. I've seen my friend's kids ask for 3 different snacks in one hour at 4:00 then she is surprised when dinner is chaotic because nobody will eat!

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by loveandgarbage

i also need to attend to the needs of my 8 month old

I wasn't sure what was up til I got to this part. He knows he can get your attention if he is hungry, if he asks for food. He will ask all day, hungry or not - 'cause it is a sure fire "got Mom's attention" gig.

I'd try to do more one-on-one stuff with him that doesn't include the baby - maybe coloring? initiated by you.

I'd put out a toddler tray like you mentioned. I wouldn't give him cereal with milk as a snack; he'll fill up on that and not eat the next meal if he is a light eater.

I think the less focus you put on what he eats and doesn't, the less power it will have. Put the toddler tray out; he eats or he doesn't. You are providing three meals a day that he will eat, and a snack tray. I don't think you need to be hopping up to get him snacks at will - that he doesn't take even one bite of? He is clearly not starving.

This isn't really about food; it is about attention. However, all the time you spend on this food issue is just wasted time, AND you are throwing away a lot of food - which isn't good.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I am 200% committed to making a food a non-issue in our house. I have a horrible abusive history with food from childhood, so that has influenced my thinking about this a lot, I admit. That said, I'm really happy with food and our family. My kids are now 9 and 6, so we are past the toddler stage but things haven't changed that much.

In terms of snacking, we have always (since the DS was about 2, DD since she was born because of DS) been a "free snacking" family. You are hungry? There are snacks on this pantry shelf and this fridge shelf -- help yourself. I guess its a variation on the snack tray sort of deal, except I don't prepare it at all. When they were toddler aged I did spend a few minutes after grocery shopping putting things in little portions in containers and having filled water sippys in the fridge. Other than that, snacks are kids deal. I do not limit what they eat -- if its around its fair game. But then I only buy stuff that I don't mind if they eat. I do not limit when they eat. About the only time I will request they not eat snacks is when I am actually dishing food onto plates for a meal. Well, now I ask them to wait if I am actively in final cooking stages, but at 3 I figured that my "15 minutes until dinner" was an eternity to them, so they could snack if they wanted. I didn't really care if they filled up on snacks because it was all healthy stuff. I will sometimes ask them to snack on "stuff that looks like dinner" after about 5 or so, that way if they don't eat dinner its really OK because their last snack was a ham sandwich or something.

For breakfast and dinner, DH or I cook a meal. We take requests when meal planning for the week and I mostly don't cook things that I know people will dislike. But both DH and I are foodie types, so we experiment with new recipes at least a couple of times a week. So lots of variety in what we do. Once kids were eating table food, they got what we made. If they don't like it (even just by sight), they are welcome to get themselves a replacement item, as long as it fills the same nutritional space. So if they don't like the veggie, they can get carrots but not ice cream for example. But its their job to take care of it because I am going to enjoy my dinner without interuption and without fixing something else. By 3 both kids could sort-of make a PB&J sandwich and now both kids can make instant Mac & Cheese or some other options on their own. I think because I have never forced them to eat things they are really willing to try stuff. Now that they are older I will sometimes ask them to at least take a bite and give me feedback on why they do or don't like it. But I don't force it and I don't stress about it.

Weekend lunches are generally short-order cook / left-over clean up points, so they can be varied, to say the least. School lunches/snacks I pack based on requests from them. They also help pick lunch things from the store so I know they will eat what I pack.

For us, this has worked out. They have a better relationship with food than I ever had. They eat lots of different things, including "non-kid-friendly" stuff that amazes people. Major downside is that their favorite dinner out is sushi -- which about breaks the bank. They know their way around the kitchen and can now cook simple things on their own. In fact, DS is starting to make family dinners on occassion. We've never had any screaming fights at the dinner table -- something I vowed to avoid with my kids.

[GuildJenn]

My house runs pretty much like Evan&Anna's mom's, except that we did use a snack tray. Any requests would go like this: "I want cheese" "well, today on your tray you have x, y, z, but tomorrow I will put cheese there."

It's worked well for us. I'm not sure at 2.5 all kids can really understand abstract concepts like wasting food, or not asking for something if you don't want to eat it (they might really be asking to watch you get it right? ) I found the best solution was to take myself out of the loop as much as possible.

There were also times I noticed my son would crave the /sensory/ aspects of food and so I started inviting him to play with a tray of uncooked rice (like sandbox play - a bit messy but we set it on a mat, and used the vaccuum ), or play in the sink/have a bath, or play with playdough and that helped a lot.

[sewchris2642]

What works for both my 11 yo ds and my almost 4 yo grandson is when they both ask for food in general, we offer fruit (apple for example). If they turn the apple down, they really aren't hungry. Also Joy and I have started scheduling meals and snacks. When they ask right after eating, we say "Nope, it's not snack/meal time".

[emmaegbert]

For a 2.5yo, I would offer a really limited set of choices (do you want apple or banana?) and yes, have set snack times. Of course, their appetites are really unpredictable at this age. So, sometimes they really are hungry all day long and you have to be a bit flexible about it.

I also usually offer fruit and/or protein for snacks. If he eats a fruit AND some nuts or cheese and still wants more, then I ease up. Things like cereal, cracker, chips, pretzels, breads... I limit those and frankly don't have them around much. My son is a HUGE eater and not at all picky, but he will fill up on that stuff. I might make home-made popcorn (in a pan with some oil... no chemical stuff) or whole wheat toast with butter and fruit spread, something like that.

For one-on-one activity, can you do food prep/cooking together? When my son was 2 I taught him how to do some simple cutting, to spread pb or cream cheese onto things, etc. I got him some small glass pitchers and there is always milk and water in the bottom shelf of the fridge for him to help himself (and his own GLASS glasses in a low drawer that he can get out). He knows where the fruit is and will help himself if he wants to.

At meals we did like many people suggest- offered the same food everyone is having, no forcing/coercing to eat it but not a lot of hopping up to get different things either. Sometimes if my son really doesn't want whats offered I say, "okay, you don't like broccoli, what other veggies do you want instead" but it just doesn't come up often.

And then there are always exceptions. Sometimes my son just wants special things and thats okay. I'm not rigid about it. Anyway, now he's 4 1/2 and its all very different. And he loves all sorts of foods, its great!

[ann_of_loxley]

I think Kirsten probably hit the nail on the head there!!!

[sandy'smama]

you already got plenty of excellent advice but here is my bit as we had a little bit of an issue when my dd was born. What I did was this:

make a snack tray with 3 items selected by me (cheese cubes, raisins, pieces of fruit, carrot sticks, sliced cucumber, cherry tomatoes, oatcakes etc) and as one of pps mentioned if ds asked for someting not on the tray that day I'd explain that those are todays snacks and I will put X on the tray tomorrow or if it was something he could get himself i would sometimes let him get it. He always had a non-spill cup of water ready as well.

the tray would be removed when I was starting to prepare a meal (usually an hour before a meal) to keep his appetite ready I then slowly, over time moved to fairly set snack times.

I would ALWAYS include in the main meal something he liked and give him a smallish portion so there would not be a big issue about eating up before a desert thingy. I thought it was better to ask for seconds than to leave food half eaten... Desert is usually fruit or juice lollies sometimes ice cream so you can really count it as part of a meal.

Keep him busy!!! this is what really helped us. We spent loads of time outside, and when stuck at home the winners were tray with flour and few cars (messy but he loved it the most), sink full of soapy water (car wash, wash play dishes and generally make himself soaking wet), muffin tray with various different dried beans and a couple of spoons, playdough and trucks (building a road or making cookies) and last but not least BOOKS!

hope you will find a solution that works for you :-)