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Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house?

post #1 of 73
Thread Starter 
Just a query. We don't-as it (to me) crosses a boundary that I just don't want crossed, and DH completely concurs--but I am curious as to what others do.

Thanks for the input!
post #2 of 73
I never allowed her to come in, she's out of the picture now, dh's divorce wasn't just 2 ppl splitting up, she bailed on dh and more importantly dd. I can't stand her for that reason.
post #3 of 73
Yep, the ex can come here and stay when she is visiting (she can't take DS somewhere else, he doesn't handle change well and she doesn't know now to deal with him) and if my ex and his fiance come to visit and need to stay over night, they stay at my house too.
post #4 of 73
I have always gone in exh house while picking up dd and he has always come in mine. Our relationship hasn't always been peachy, but we have always been civil in front of dd--even in the rough patches. (She was 18 mos when visitation started--we had to talk and physically do the hand-off, so I guess we both learned to make the best of it.)

For the last several years, we sit together at school events/ballgames. I took dd to the hospital when her stepmom had their new baby. They come to birthday parties at our house.

I think it is the best for dd and we both try to get along for her sake. She feels stuck in the middle as it.
post #5 of 73
No, she lives 3.5 hours away and even if they do pick him up in our area, I want our house to remain neutral territory. If they move back this way, same thing. I don't need the bad vibes in my home.
post #6 of 73
This was several years ago as my dss is up and out now, but we had a rule against her coming in the house as well. Twice when dropping him off from a visit she was able to convince dss to let her in claiming she had to use the restroom. The first time dh came home early and found her there. We reiterated the rule to both of them but a few weeks later she did the same thing. The second time though dss was nervous about being caught again and went to look for her after a few minutes. He found her going through our master bedroom closet. They had a huge fight and she left. That evening he was very upset telling us about it and said that now he understood our reasons for the rule. As far as we know he never let her in again.
post #7 of 73
Yes, when she comes to pick up my SS I invite her inside, tho she usually just stays at the door. We don't have a sunshine and roses relationship but we try to be civil and polite
post #8 of 73
Yep. We always went in when picking up or dropping off dsd, and now that dsd lives here, when her mom does pick her up she usually waits in the car, but she is welcome to come in if she wants to.

We might not always get along, and we definitely don't always see eye to eye as far as parenting goes, but we are civil with each other. I don't feel threatened when/if she comes inside (other than wanting the place to look presentable... no dirty dishes, no trash, etc. heh).
post #9 of 73
The ex is not allowed in the house at all. That is out of the question
post #10 of 73
Short answer-No.

Longer answer. If it's an all out blizzard with subzero temps and warnings of raging frozen polar bears on the loose and her/him standing there means I'd look like an @ss for leaving them there. Fine. Stand in the entry way. For a brief minute.

But no, my house is my sanctuary and my xh and his xw are just poisonous and angry people. I do not want their energy in my home. FWIW, he and I both have ex's that we wouldn't care if they came in the house, we even hang out with them here and there. But our x-spouses are just a no go.

One time when I was preggo my xh brought my son home and followed him into MY house and came down MY hallway and WALTZED INTO MY FREAKING BEDROOM where I was IN BED TRYING NOT TO HURL. Seeing him pushed that meager effort over the edge, lemme tell ya.
post #11 of 73
I have allowed my husband's ex wife in the house on a couple occasions and she has always said or done something horribly rude and disrespectful. I literally get sick to my stomach being in her presence because of the awful, hateful, angry energy she exudes. When I tell my husband I let her in the house, he says don't ever let her in our home ever. They normally meet at a halfway point between cities. She sometimes comes into our town for shopping and dr. appointments or had to come by because she forgot to send her son with his meds and needed to drop them off and was all pissed that my husband couldn't leave work to drive up to her town to pick up the pills and take them to our home for his son and go back to work (she doesn't work). So, she yells at me at my house about how selfish my husband is for not leaving work to spare her the drive.
post #12 of 73
Yep. We're moving soon (fingers crossed, anyway) and my SD is already eager to show her mom her new room. I understand that.

We're "allowed" in her house, too. My own ex and his wife and stepkids are welcome here, too.

Edit: We occasionally do a holiday dinner together in one house or the other. It works.

I do draw the line at staying over. I suppose I'd make an exception if it were a situation involving a much-delayed-into-the-night flight and a blizzard (we live very close to a major airport; SD's mom lives 90 minutes away). Not here, though--no space. We'll have a proper guest room soon.
post #13 of 73
No. And until she stops threatening to physically harm me, I will not.
post #14 of 73
Wow, I was a little surprised by the question and the responses. No offense intended. I guess my xh and I are just really civil to each other. He is always welcome to come in when picking up or dropping off the kids. I have remarried last year and he ( xh) has yet to. ( I'm sure he will one day, we are all fairly young.) I would be livid "if" his new wife tried to tell me that I had to wait outside. LOL I prefer to see my children into getting comfy at their dad's house. I'm sure my xh would say the same thing. ( For us that means going in, saying hello, collecting backpacks and making sure the kids are said good bye to, or whatever.)
But that's just me, and our little situation. It works for us.
post #15 of 73
Thread Starter 
Interesting responses!

My dh has no problem (nor do I) with my exh coming in the house--he has always been so respectful of me and dh and dh's relationship with our son. His coming over/in has never been an issue.

But, both dh and I absolutely do not want his ex's negative energy in our home, our sanctuary, ever. She's just too volatile and I don't want her being in my "space". It's just not something I'm interested in and she's not really pushed the issue.
post #16 of 73
Unfortunately DH and I live in the house that DH and XW built together - yuck. We would love to move but it has never been a viable option for a number of reasons. (We could but we would lose out and since there are other things lacking, like they never started planning contribution for college I am too conservative to throw $$ away). Amusingly, she did come in to the house once after they divorced and we were dating - she thought the house was empty and used the old garage door code.
For her part, she concealed the address of the home she moved to for a long time, though that is against the parenting plan. She didn't want to contaminate her sphere.
Happily, all of us adults have been civil and supportive in public and don't bad mouth each other to the kids - but DH and XW definitely are not interested in having each other in their homes.
post #17 of 73
I checked w/DH on this too, just to see if his thoughts were different. And he reminded me that we've actually invited my xbf (a mutual friend of ours) to come stay here when he was going to be in town. His plans changed, so he didn't end up headed this way, but we were both totally ok with it. So yeah, it definitely depends on the ex and how toxic they are.
post #18 of 73
Always. We've even done joint birthday celebrations, etc. I've had drinks at her house several times before. Despite the fact that she often drives me nuts, she's not so bad in person.
post #19 of 73
No way!!!!
post #20 of 73
When we first began joint custody, my husband's ex lived with her sister who wouldn't allow my husband in her house... And things were pretty awful back then, in general, with both working very hard at being civil to each other. The precedent was set at that point, I guess, that the picking-up parent called from the car when they arrived and the exchange happened in the driveway or on the sidewalk. It's become routine for us, and I don't think any of us see it as something hostile at this point, it's just what we've always done. I think we both value the privacy of our own family and own space, and neither party really wants to give that up. It also allowed us all to be much more relaxed and take our time with pick-up/drop-off, which I think is really positive overall.

At one point, my step-daughter wanted to show us something in her room at mom's and mom let my husband and me come in to see it. My husband returned the favor/goodwill by inviting her in one time. I'm fairly certain that is the only time either of us has been in the other one's house.

So, no, neither of us goes into the other person's house, but it isn't something that isn't allowed, it's just a respectful boundary that we all seem to have agreed to and that we are all interested in maintaining. At this point, all exchanges happen at school or at the airport, so it's not really an issue anyway...
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