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Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house? - Page 2

post #21 of 73

Too much bad blood!

No way, no how. It would some way, some how be used against us. Unless it was a life or health threatening situation for her to be left outside, like her car wouldn't start and there was a blizzard, then she can go back where she came from. Of course, this would be said nicely and discreetly, for my stepdaughter's sake. That being said, my son and I are not allowed in my stepdaughter's Mother's house, under any circumstances. Not even when my son was 9 and doing the peepee dance and near tears, because he had to pee so bad and couldn't make it the 25 minute drive back to our house. And this was said not so discreetly. In fact, it was insinuated that we were bad parents because we were our with a child who had to pee so badly.
post #22 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
Wow, I was a little surprised by the question and the responses. No offense intended. I guess my xh and I are just really civil to each other. He is always welcome to come in when picking up or dropping off the kids..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
... I prefer to see my children into getting comfy at their dad's house. I'm sure my xh would say the same thing. ( For us that means going in, saying hello, collecting backpacks and making sure the kids are said good bye to, or whatever.)
But that's just me, and our little situation. It works for us.
This. I'm also bit surprised with the responses. Especially with this being a community of peaceful and natural minded folk.

Barring some sort of abuse (and I know a few here who do deal with that from ex's), I can't imagine it is great for the children to know that their parents are not welcome into their home for even a few minutes to drop off/pick up.
post #23 of 73
Mona's mom comes in every time she drops her off. She usually stays in the entry because it's a brief but pleasant exchange. Any time anything has changed in Mona's room she has been anxious to share that with her mother and her sister (who is not DH's child, so half sister), and we welcome that. Mona's mother will always be welcome in our home. But we have a good relationship with her and her DH. I have been in Mona's mother's house, but not upstairs to Mona's room, just in the entry/kitchen/dining areas. It's not necessary for me to go in, because DH goes in to drop off/pick up most of the time. It's only if I am the one doing the pickup on my own that I go in the house. Most of the time though we meet half way between our homes, since we live 40 miles apart.
post #24 of 73
She can come in when picking up dss, and I've been to her other children's bday parties, but we don't hang out. She doesn't hang out with dss here, either. So, it's quick and polite but neither wants the other to linger.
post #25 of 73
I keep thinking about this today. I am giving my girlfriend the addresses for my babyshower that is coming up, and I am considering inviting my ex's fiance.

There was a time in my life that I hated my ex. to the point that the idea of him being in my house made my skin crawl, now I think of him as a decent person that I actually can enjoy being around.
post #26 of 73
dsd's mom and stepdad generally come into the entryway to get dsd. In the summer, we just meet them outside (where we are usually playing anyway). Honestly, I"d prefer not to have her in my house, but I do suck it up for dsd's sake. She has also come over on a few occasions when dsd was upset and missing her to hang out with her for a while. If I pick dsd up, I wait on the porch of her house, except for once or twice when dsd has wanted to show me something in her room. Of course, we used to be on fairly good terms, but that has all gone down the tubes now, so I"m not sure how it will go!
post #27 of 73
I'm the XW. I don't go into my ex's home with his wife and stepkids, but ex DOES come into my house. He kind of slithers in, even though I would prefer he stay outside or in the doorway, he comes in, looks at the things posted on the fridge, noses around. I *hate* it.
post #28 of 73
Um, yeah.... It's fine!! She can definitely come in. DP usually does all the shlepping though so she rarely has the opportunity. She bought the bed for the 2nd bedroom (she used his CS money to get DSD's bed for OUR HOUSE! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!?) so she came in to see it and see the new apartment... I was actually in the other room at the time crying under the covers because DP's parents had bought a TV for the kid's bedroom... I've since made DP remove it, but that's another story.

Anyway when DP goes over there he definitely goes in too. Sometimes he might hang around for a while, like if DSD's mom is out and just the grandmother is there, he will wait with DSD til her mom gets back. It's all peace.
post #29 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
This. I'm also bit surprised with the responses. Especially with this being a community of peaceful and natural minded folk.

Eh.... it only takes one person to make a relationship nasty.
Also for some people they may be totally peaceful and civil but they just have their boundaries and that works well for them.
post #30 of 73
Yes, my ex and DH's ex both come in our house whenever need be. My ex is not nearly in the picture as much as DH's ex. I do not like her very much, but I can be friendly to her for the sake of DSD. I would have a problem with either ex staying here, all night or whatever, but to pick up/drop off DCs? Sure.
post #31 of 73
The more I hang out in this forum, the more I become convinced that DH and I have a sunshine and roses relationship with DSS's mom and stepdad. For which I am so greatful.

Of course they are welcome in my home. I consider them like I do my cousins or aunts and uncles, but more important because we share a child.

That said, they are VERY reasonable people, not crazy or toxic. They don't b!tch, they are not insulting, and, of course, have never threatened to physically harm us.

Cripe, we go to DSS's mom's parents on some holidays, and they come to my grandma's or to DH's parents. We do joint birthdays whenever we can.

But DH and DSS's mom didn't have a high drama breakup. They are both good people who just weren't good together. I think it's easier to be nice under these circumstances, given that there was no infidelity or abuse or anything.
post #32 of 73
I'm the ex wife. I stayed in the marital home. But it's mine now, and it is seriously creeps me out when my ex husband is in my house. Not just the couple of minutes hugging/kissing goodbye drop-offs/pick-ups, those don't bother me. But there have been a couple of instances in the past few years that have made my skin crawl - Christmas 2007 he came to see what the kids got from Santa and I ended up finding him upstairs, in my bedroom, going through my nightstand drawers. Then a few months later I woke up at 2:00 AM to find him sitting on my bed, drunk - that little visit ended with me bruised from shoulders to hips after I got slammed up against a wall. He's only been in my house for one other thing since then (other than drop-offs/pick-ups) and that was to get his pool table a couple of months ago (he's been gone almost six years and still has stuff here...). Our youngest was here and he brought some guys to help him move it, and my sweetheart called about five times to check on me, so of course he was on his best behaviour. Like I said, now just the idea of him being in my house other than for drop-offs/pick-ups creeps me out.

As for my sweetheart, his ex is not welcome in his home either. Their son is older and drives now, so it's not an issue.

So here's a double whammy for you though - my daughter is going to the prom with my sweetheart's son, so we will probably end up with both of the exes here (at least in the backyard) taking pictures. Ay Yi YI!
post #33 of 73
Both ex's have been in our home but not often. Basically his ex came a couple of times when we first bought the house because her children wanted to show it to her. I totally understood and we made the best of it, but it wasn't comfortable for anyone. We're always pleasant and civil, but she doesn't want to be in our house. But again, to us it's about the kids, so if they were to ask her to come in and see something, we'd gladly invite her in.

Likewise, I rarely go into my ex's house. It was our house and he kept it, and I really try to respect the fact that he has probably worked hard to make it *his* place and excise me from it (lots of painting, new furniture, etc). So the few times I've gone in have been when our two girls have really wanted me to come in and see something. I've always made sure he ok'd it first.
post #34 of 73
Wow. I'm surprised by the responses too.

I don't trust or like my xh, but he's in my home 6 days a week dropping off dd; he picks her up from daycare and sees her daily for an hour or two, plus one overnight a week. The visitation schedule is what it is because otherwise she'd have longer periods unsupervised with a guy who often had trouble holding himself together for more than a few hours at a shot. So this is the lesser evil.

I'd be happy never to see him again, and it's unpleasant, yes. It's been that way for the last 3 years and I expect it'll go on for several more. Usually he's civil; sometimes he makes a scene and I have to enforce boundaries, but it doesn't happen often. Normally the most annoying thing he does is refuse to say hello or goodbye to me, and treat me with this exaggerated wariness like I might -- attack him? (I'm a no-spank 115 lb woman; he's somewhere over 200 lbs.) Take him to court? (He divorced me and then played 'I want custody/no I don't' through the whole divorce.) I have no idea. If he ever became physically violent again I'd have to keep him out of the house, but so far he hasn't. I put up with it because he's dd's father and she loves him, and this is her house too.

If she wants to invite him in to show him something, I say yes, and if she wants to share food we've made, again, I say yes. Xh's dad drops her off on day 7, and I really think this man is lower'n a dog's belly. But again, I'm polite because he's her grandpa and she loves him, and if she wants to invite him in, she may.

Since we split, I've been in his house twice, I think. He couldn't drop her off, so I went to pick her up, and she was over the moon -- she'd been wanting to show me her room there for a year. Xh let her show me her room, but pretty much made sure I didn't get past the front of the house (not that I was especially interested; I used to live with him and have no need to see the porn stash, the condiments fridge, or the bathroom-floor body-hair carpet again). I don't know what he thought I might have done or seen. But, you know, clearly, I'm dangerous. I figured he was just rude. I didn't figure it was a regular thing for xhs with second wives.
post #35 of 73
Ugh. I'm actually hosting a dinner party to celebrate my daughters First Communion in April and I've reluctantly agreed to have my xh and his new, pregnant wife come for drinks. I can't actually manage to get to the point where I have them stay for the dinner/dessert portion of the evening (it's my parents, my sis, and 4 close friends and their families) but they will be here for a good hour or so. I live in the marital home but have made it MINE - financially and asthetically. It makes my skin crawl to think about them in my space. Then again, we've only been divorced for a year and two months.
post #36 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leta View Post
The more I hang out in this forum, the more I become convinced that DH and I have a sunshine and roses relationship with DSS's mom and stepdad. For which I am so greatful.

Of course they are welcome in my home. I consider them like I do my cousins or aunts and uncles, but more important because we share a child.

That said, they are VERY reasonable people, not crazy or toxic. They don't b!tch, they are not insulting, and, of course, have never threatened to physically harm us.

Cripe, we go to DSS's mom's parents on some holidays, and they come to my grandma's or to DH's parents. We do joint birthdays whenever we can.

But DH and DSS's mom didn't have a high drama breakup. They are both good people who just weren't good together. I think it's easier to be nice under these circumstances, given that there was no infidelity or abuse or anything.
You're describing a very similar relationship to what my parents retained after their divorce. I'm not judging anyone else's choices, because I am sure a split between partners who have children is very traumatic in many ways. However, I was very surprised to read a lot of the responses too.

My own parents divorced during my mother's pregnancy with me and they remained not only civil but friendly. My dad would drop us off on Sunday evenings and sometimes stay and watch a game on TV with my step-dad or have a beer with him, etc. If my mom were making cookies or brownies or something right before the weekend she would make an extra batch and send them along with us. Sure they had their disagreements but we children never felt it and for that I am grateful. And when my mom had to leave my step-father when I was a young teen it was my dad who helped her organize and get us moved out and settled into a new place. I realize now how fortunate we were to have had them keep such a good relationship intact. I know that is not always possible.
post #37 of 73
We don't live in the same city anymore, but when we did, I would have loved it if she ever would have come in. We invited her enough times, because dsd wanted to show mommy her bedroom, and we figured it would help a civil relationship, but she wouldn't.

She wouldn't let dh cross her property line either. He was to wait at the end of the driveway, and she'd tell him in front of the kids that if he ever brought them to the door she'd have him arrested for trespassing. Ugh. I'm glad we moved.

Personally I would far rather have had the kind of relationship where you go in and out of each others houses when picking up and dropping off kids.
post #38 of 73
My mother wouldn't allow my dad's wife in the house for the first several years after they married. I understand and sympathize with her reasons, but I think that it made the situation worse all around. My step kids are grown now, but their mom was in our house often and still is occasionally. We are welcome in hers. There were times when we would rather have not seen one another, but we sucked it up for the kids. I am grateful that I am in a divorce/second marriage situation where that kind of trusting relationship between the first and second families is possible. I know that it isn't always possible.
post #39 of 73
We live across the country now, but I would have had no problem with her coming to our house. Until a year ago, we lived 3 hours apart and would meet for lunch halfway in the middle to pick up/drop off my stepson. We chat on the phone and email frequently even now that my dss is 20. We have become good friends over the years. I have been to her home on numerous occasions, my children (with dh) love her to pieces and I get along with her entire family.

I never thought when dh and I gotmarried 15 years ago that his exwife would be a good friend but it has made life so much easier and my stepson has commented on how happy he is about it many times throughout the years
post #40 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by kay4 View Post
We live across the country now, but I would have had no problem with her coming to our house. Until a year ago, we lived 3 hours apart and would meet for lunch halfway in the middle to pick up/drop off my stepson. We chat on the phone and email frequently even now that my dss is 20. We have become good friends over the years. I have been to her home on numerous occasions, my children (with dh) love her to pieces and I get along with her entire family.

I never thought when dh and I gotmarried 15 years ago that his exwife would be a good friend but it has made life so much easier and my stepson has commented on how happy he is about it many times throughout the years
My kids are only 9 and 12 but they laugh when their fathers fiance (i am looking forward to saying his wife, their step mom) calls and we end up chatting, or my step son laughs when his mother calls and I end up on the phone with her for hours and he finally butts in and says "it is MY turn to talk to my mommy". At least they know we can chat. The kids are all happy about that it seems.
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