or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house? - Page 3

post #41 of 73
Yep - my ex comes in my house and I go in his. I would have no problem with his new partner coming in, and he feels likewise about me.

We have two LOs and we use that time to catch up on the time apart, or to speak in code so the two girls don't know what we're saying.

Like others have said - we had a less than harmonious separation, and we definitely don't always see eye to eye on parenting or other issues... but we want the kids to know that their houses (both of them) are safe and neutral territory.

For ex. - holidays are fraught with tension, but my ex is coming to spend the night Christmas eve here in order to wake up with us on Christmas morning. I'm not sure how many years we'll do this, but we really try to make an effort to be flexible and work together.
post #42 of 73
Yes, becuase I go in and out of his house all the time And his current partner is allowed here as well.
I dont understand why she shouldnt be allowed here and why shouldnt I be allowed there. I mean I have to pick up my daughter from his house, etc.
post #43 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
This. I'm also bit surprised with the responses. Especially with this being a community of peaceful and natural minded folk.

Barring some sort of abuse (and I know a few here who do deal with that from ex's), I can't imagine it is great for the children to know that their parents are not welcome into their home for even a few minutes to drop off/pick up.
I think it is the quality of the interaction that matters, not the location. People need to choose a location where they can act in a way that is peaceful and friendly (or at least civil). For some, that isn't inside their house, for whatever reason. I wouldn't expect a community of peaceful and like-minded folk to all do things a certain way, I would expect them to do it with a certain attitude and reflecting certain positive and child-centered values. To me, that is ultimately what is important to the kids.
post #44 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilya'smum View Post
Yes, becuase I go in and out of his house all the time And his current partner is allowed here as well.
I dont understand why she shouldnt be allowed here and why shouldnt I be allowed there. I mean I have to pick up my daughter from his house, etc.
Just like sometimes the parent's getting a divorce is the best thing for the children, as opposed to watching the parents fight and live unhappily together their entire childhood, sometimes it's for the best to keep certain boundaries regarding personal space and personal lives. My house is also my stepdaughter's home. It is NOT my stepdaughter's home, nor will it ever be. My Hubby and I go bend over backwards to be nice to my stepdaughter's Mother in front of my stepdaughter. The whole "kill her with kindness" deal. Her Mother? She's gone out of her way to completely cut me and my son out of my stepdaughter's lfe. If my stepdaugter's Mother was a more agreeable person, maybe I'd have a different opinion, but no way, no how would I let ANYONE, friend, family, stranger, in my home where they are willing to verbally attack me and my son, where they are willing to physically get in between me and my stepdaughter, so that I'm not "allowed" to talk to her or even give her a hug goodbye, where they are willing to stand there critisizing me to my stpedaughter in front of my stepdaughter, where my stepdaughter will get "punished" for showing any affection or even acknowledgement of me, then, no, that person is not welcome or even allowed in my only "safe place" from her. It's not who she is, it's what she chooses to be. I wouldn't let my own Mother, or the president or the Pope in my home under those circumstances, either. She's toxic. She's toxic enough that my 8 year old stepdaughter is starting to "get it" and that's really sad.
post #45 of 73
I would prefer xh not come into my house but since I supervise his visits with ods and it's not always convenient to meet him outside my home because of yds, we sometimes meet here (if he bothers to visit at all, which is rarely). Ods knows to stay in the livingroom or basement with him. The upstairs where the bedrooms are is off limits.
I have been inside his new apartment once to pick up some of ods things when xh moved, but I have no reason to go there.
post #46 of 73

Wow, what a typo!

Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
My house is also my stepdaughter's home. It is NOT my stepdaughter's home, nor will it ever be.
My second sentence should read "It is NOT my stepdaughter's MOTHER'S home, nor will it ever be."
post #47 of 73
We're not trying to have an adversarial relationship with M's mom, so no, we don't leave her standing on the doorstep when she comes to pick her up, and she gives us the same courtesy. There are lots of people who come in to the house when need be, not just members of our immediate family, so I don't think it implies anything boundary-crossing wrt our relationship to have her in or vice versa.

I'm sure this would be different if we already had a hostile relationship, but gladly we do not.
post #48 of 73
with #1, everytime she came over it was always an incident w/ cops or almost calling cops claiming that dsd-18 stole some shirt or skirt or something stupid like that, or trying to hit dsd. no more in our house.

#2 is welcome at any time, wish she lived closer

#3 weve tried to work with, but is manipulative and abusive so if she were ever in our vicinity, it would be meeting in neutral territory.

am not surprised by responses. there are usually good reasons for divorce. some people get worse with splitting up. sorry that it is that way. wish they were all like #2.
post #49 of 73
Very interesting, and varying responses. in our case she doesnt even know where we live we drop kids off and pick up at a public place. thats close enough for me. yuck
post #50 of 73
Speaking as a child of divorce my father often came in to have a coffee when he was picking up or dropping us off or just dropping of the child support check. My parents still have a very good relationship (okay they are weird...their 2nd spouses have both predeceased them so now they vacation together and go to movies and dinner often...but they are not a couple --trust me my mother is very indiscreet LMAO so if they were a couple I would know it...they also bring each other to dr. appts and such.)

My mother rarely went into my father's house when his 2nd wife was alive because his wife hated my mother...huge difference in atmosphere (which was highly ironic because IMO my mother had more right to hate her than vice versa since she was the woman my father had an affair with and left my mother for....but I digress). I think my mother would have been cordial if Ria had reciprocated but it was a no go (she was cordial with the first wife of her second husband).

If at all possible it is really nice when parents can be civil even if there are real reasons why you dislike the other parent.

Steph
post #51 of 73
dx comes into my house,he's dating someone new and I haven't met her yet, if she's at his house I won't go in. I don't plan on meeting her for a couple of months at least.
post #52 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by pomplemoose View Post
Very interesting, and varying responses. in our case she doesnt even know where we live we drop kids off and pick up at a public place. thats close enough for me. yuck
Wow. And she is okay with that? I have to say, I'd feel a little weird not knowing where my kids' other house was, if I was in that situation. But, obviously, I don't know all of the backstory here.
post #53 of 73
my ex (oldest dd's bio) and/or his wife absolutely would not be allowed in our home because of who they are (drug addicts, child abusers, zero contact)..

If they were different people, we had shared custody and we were able to be friendly then I would have no problem.. In fact, I even let them have the opportunity to 'babysit' my daughter when she was two -in my home- but, unfortunetely, I came back to a home reaking of pot, a crying toddler and a drunk ex. They haven't seen my daughter since.

so, I think there are situations that would call for personal space (or restaining orders..) but I also believe that it would be best for the children if the parents are able to be nice and visit each other's homes. If that's not possible, I would find a more neutral meeting place so there isn't any weirdness about it..

GL!
post #54 of 73
My husband once tried to talk to his x about holiday plans --he was, as usual, not invited in the door, and she screamed at him so loud I could hear her in the car, and then later she emailed him about how selfish he was for making her have her door open in minus 20 weather!
post #55 of 73
I would....If I knew were my ex was.

If my ex wanted to pop up and visit my house -- would be the first place. My ex has been MIA for a long time.

I would keep it as peiceful as possible.

Not all people can or should allow this. But I do think people should be civil enough to "step" inside. Celebrate a b-day/holiday or funeral in each others home.
post #56 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by vegemamato View Post
but I also believe that it would be best for the children if the parents are able to be nice and visit each other's homes.
Yes, that would be the best for every situation. I would have given almost anything to have that kind of relationship with my stepdaughter's Mother. It would have been so much easier on my stepdaughter, as well as my own son, and all three adults involved, even my stepdaughter's Mother, though I'm sure she'd disagree on that one for sure.
post #57 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leta View Post
The more I hang out in this forum, the more I become convinced that DH and I have a sunshine and roses relationship with DSS's mom and stepdad. For which I am so greatful.

Of course they are welcome in my home. I consider them like I do my cousins or aunts and uncles, but more important because we share a child.

That said, they are VERY reasonable people, not crazy or toxic. They don't b!tch, they are not insulting, and, of course, have never threatened to physically harm us.

***snipped***
This. Every word. XH and I didn't have the greatest of marriages (we were only 20 years old when we married and got married for the wrong reasons), but we did have an easy divorce just 2 yrs later without any serious drama. The drama that we did have has been discussed since and everything is a-ok now.

We live in different states now, but we're all actually good friends. He married his 2nd wife just one month (to the day, actually) before I married my 2nd husband. They now have two boys together (which DD absolutely adore). I feel so very fortunate that we all get along wonderfully. His wife and I talk on the phone a lot.. heck, we've had 2 hr conversations before. She's a wonderful woman and she's the best step-mother I could possibly imagine for my DD. They absolutely adore each other. DH and XH talk football and even give each other hell about it through texting. I seriously couldn't ask for a better situation.

If we did live in the same area, we all feel that we could easily see us hanging out together. In fact, they keep begging us to move there lol.

I'm so sorry that so many of you all have had rough divorces and relationships with the exes that have left such harsh feelings. Not that I blame you at all. Life isn't always all sunshine and roses. I realize now how lucky I am in that regard.
post #58 of 73
Yes. For a couple of years, my dh's ex and her husband were in a weird, tense place with us where we didn't go to each others' houses. We actually found out they had moved through dsd. We have since reconnected and get along very well now, with respect for boundaries but a willingness to reach out to each other when appropriate. I'm glad we've gotten there.

My exh and his wife live in another state, but they would be welcome in my house if they lived closer. We divorced because of marrying young and growing out of each other. He's definitely not "my type" anymore, but he's a decent guy.
post #59 of 73
I haven't seen my ex in many years. He's not a nice person, and I have my own issues with him. We also have alerted the local law enforcement that if he is seen, we should be infomed, and everyone under the sun knows dd is not to leave alone with him. Now, none of this has been an issue so far, but as he's not always made great decisions (and most of this came about following his being involved on the fringes of a fatal shooting with some drunk buddies a couple years ago- it was all put in place.

All of the above said, if he decided to come visit dd, he would absolutely be welcome in my home. Heck, he's welcome to a pullout couch if he wants it. He can't have unsuperisd access to dd, but I feel that SHE should be able to choose to have her dad vist her home, and I'd better be adult enough to set my issues aside for her. However, we have a no weapons/do alcohol/no yelling/ no cruelty set of standards in our home, and if those were violated, we would ask him to leave, or call the police.
post #60 of 73

the ex

My husband's XW is way too volatile of a person to ever be invited into our home.I agree with others about not wanting that negative energy in my home, my sanctuary. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a problem with her coming in quickly to get the kids, see the kids rooms, etc. if her attitude was not so nasty. My ex has come in before to see something my son wanted to show him, but overall, respects boundaries and would ask first. Occasionally, my husband's XW will just open the door and walk in and so I have made sure if she is due to pick up kids, that the door is locked. I find that very violating-this is our home and there are certain boundaries that need to be respected.
Fortunately, my husband agrees and has made that clear. It's so interesting how different all these blended families are- great question! I really enjoyed hearing about everyone else's experiences in that realm.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Do you "allow" the ex wife to come into your house?