My toddler hits her daddy!

[suzismama]

My daughter is 21 months old, and is usually so sweet. What bothers me is that she keeps slapping my husband (hard!). We have never demonstrated this behavior at all, so I am not sure why she does it. As far as what is triggering the behavior, I see what it is but I'm not sure how to fix it.

Yesterday we went to pick her up from the church nursery but she didn't want to leave. We gave her a minute or two and then my husband picked her up, at which time she slapped him in anger. Then last night we took her to bed (we are still cosleeping when she wants to, and are slowly transitioning to her toddler bed). She sleeps on his side where there's a rail. She wasn't upset, but just wasn't going to sleep yet, so we did what normally works--we lie down like we are going to sleep and after a few minutes she will get bored and go to sleep too. As her dad was lying there with his eyes shut, she sat up and slapped him on the head again. This time she wasn't angry; it was more like she was playing and thought it was a joke. She occasionally does this to other people in play as well, but normally doesn't hit them very hard. When I scolded her about it last night, she smiled and laughed. I then made her go get in her toddler bed. A few minutes later when she tried to come back to ours I said no, tucked her into her bed and told her I loved her. She slept there all night. I think she may have understood at that point that she'd done something wrong, but I'm not sure if I handled it the right way or not.

So she usually does this when she doesn't get her way and is angry about it, or when she wants to play and her dad doesn't (like at bedtime). We already try to give her fair warning before taking her away from her activities--like when we're at the park, we say, "okay, you can swing for five more minutes" or "you can go down the slide one more time." Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. We can't always give her what she wants, so anger happens.

My brother (who doesn't even have kids) keeps giving me pearls of wisdom such as "hit her back and show her how it feels!" : I don't plan on ever hitting my children, because how can I tell them that violence is an unacceptable way to vent anger if I engage in it myself?

Did any of you go through this with your child? Did yours grow out of it? What would you do to send her the message that hitting is wrong even in play, and especially when she is angry? What books would you recommend?

[fritz]

Completely normal. Most toddlers go through this lovely hitting phase. Mostly it's tied to lack of communication skills and frustration.

Hitting almost always gets a reaction, but hitting in the face guarantees a big reaction. Toddlers love big reactions (positive or negative). So they keep doing it...it makes them feel very powerful to cause such a big reaction.

I'd try to work more on expanding her communications skills. Using sign language or teaching her new words/phrases to say. Start by being proactive/preventative. Instead of telling her flat out, we're leaving in two minutes, then picking her up to bodily remove her as soon as the time is up (assuming you don't have a pressing engagement elsewhere right away), give her a time limit, but count down each minute (some kids really need to be reminded that they don't have a lot of time left since their grasp of time is so shaky). Then when the time is up, get down on her level and wait for eye contact, or gently touch her on the arm/shoulder so she'll look at you. Then tell her it's time to go. Ask her if she wants to be carried or if she wants to hop like a bunny (or vroom like a car, or xyz). If she chooses one or the other, great! If not, ask if she needs another minute to do x one more time. Then tell her, after xing one more time, you'll be leaving. Then let her do x. From her perspective, she's having fun, and is right in the middle of her fun when you pull her away from it. Just try to be mindful of that. And if you do have to leave while she's in the middle of an activity, at least empathize with her first (It looks like you're having lots of fun doing xyz. You don't want to stop right now. But it's time to go...we have to abc now. You can xyz tomorrow/next week/whenever.).

Another transition tip that worked for my DS was to say bye bye to the place/toys he was engaged with.

With the hitting, with my DS, it lasted a long time. He really started getting into it around 24 mos, and kept it up rather frequently until around 36 mos. You probably won't see instant results with anything, but my goal was to try to keep our positive, caring relationship intact during this challenging phase. He never hit me in the face, but he still sometimes hits DH in his face. Consistency is key. My DH was never consistent, but I'll tell you what I did every.single.time.

If I was holding DS and he tried to hit me, I'd put him down right away and say, "Mommy likes gentle touches," and after he'd heard that a bunch, I shortened it to, "Gentle touches!" Also tried the "no hitting" phrase, but it's generally better to focus on what they can do instead. DS didn't want to be redirected to hit the pillow or bang on pots and pans, or hit the bop bag b/c what he really wanted was human interaction. Inevitably, he'd want to be picked up again. I'd wait a few seconds, remind him to be gentle with me, then pick him back up. Sometimes he'd just snuggle. Other times he'd try to hit me again. Every time he tried to hit me, I'd put him back down.

If I wasn't holding him when he tried to hit me, then I'd just get out of striking distance. He'd follow me, I'd keep avoiding him, and I'd eventually be able to turn it into a game of chase. Then he'd be giggling instead of crying. But even that didn't always work. Sometimes he'd be locked into hitting mode. Despite my best efforts, if he kept hitting me, I would get mad (yes, I've got issues w/ being hit, even when it doesn't hurt). At my worst, I'd have to lock myself in the bathroom so I wouldn't hurt him. But only for a few minutes. And usually DH was on the other side of the door holding DS. I could tell when DS's cries turned from frustration at not being able to hit me to upset at missing me. It usually gave me enough time to calm down so I could come out and hold him...he'd snuggle and be fine after that. Sometimes he just seemed to need to purge his emotions, and he used that to accomplish it.

You need to brainstorm some ideas for how you do want her to deal w/ her anger. Practice deep breathing or create a cozy corner where she can go sit/draw/color/pet a lovey to calm down.

Right now I'm reading Playful Parenting, and it's explaining a lot about the power dynamics of play (I was tickle tortured as a kid, so I hate to be tickled now) and how what we should be doing is helping our kids feel empowered in their play rather than helpless or dominated.

HTH!

[transylvania_mom]

she's 21 m/o. She likes the reaction (you mention she laughed). It's just a phase and with a lot of guidance and behaviour-modeling, it will pass. My ds never hit anyone except me (don't know why). It took a couple of months of reiterating in very clear terms that I do not like and will not allow him to hit me, but it finally paid off. If she's hitting for attention or for fun, maybe her daddy can show her other ways to get attention, like patting his cheek or, I don't know, pulling his nose...

[OkiMom]

We have issues like this with DD1 as well. Most of the time its that she wants to play or wants DD2 to play with her. DD2 is 4 months old so her idea of playing is sitting on my lap and laughing. DD1 will get mad (at me luckily- I guess in her mind the only reason DD2 doesn't play is because I'm there) and she will hit me.. or bite me... or kick me.. or well, you get the drift.
If/when I find a way to stop it then Ill share the gem with you. Right about now Im in avoidance mode and thanking god that she doesn't hit/bite/kick etc her sister (well, very often. shes done it a couple of times but doesn't like it when the baby cries).