PPD and dealing with a toddler?

[Drewsmom]

Hi, I have an almost 3 year old that is going through the adjustments of a new brother, less time with Mommy and the "independent 2" stage. It's been gradually building up since 18 mo.s and has become especially apparent in my last month of pregnancy and after ds#2 was born.

It really has been so challenging to be going through ppd and feeling the guilt that everything in your life is a failure most especially your first child who has so many tantrums a day you can't count them and rarely listens. It makes me wonder if we'll ever get past this stage. He has so many needs right now and I just don't feel like I can meet them. My temper flares much easier and then of course he mimics it at later times compounding my guilt. My dh takes a lot of parenting cues from me and when I act irresponsibly then he thinks that's the way to parent and does it later. So basically once again I feel like a major failure in every area of my life especially this one which makes me wonder how #2 will turn out.

Has anyone gone through this and have any tips on how to deal with an extremely energetic toddler and deal with ppd while trying to meet everyone's needs?

[applejuice]

I had problems adjusting to my #2 baby when #1 was just 27 months old. It was very difficult. I truly felt like a failure, and my DH also took the wrong cues from me.

I suggest that you look at what is stressing you out in addition to the new baby. Just do what you have to do. Get some help in the house or with the babes. Join a mommies' group and get some comraderie. Just suggestions.

I looked at my life and saw that there were other stresses that I simply could not change. There they were, and I just could not change them. I had to let go.

I saw the things that I could change and I changed them.

I needed alittle help to tell the difference, so I asked DH's advice. It was indispensible. It was wisdom.

It took me four years to sort it all out, but you can do it sooner.

[EllasMama]

My DD is also almost 3, and I'm really getting worried that people who've told me "3 was much worse than 2" are right. My daughter is downright nasty at times. I can't figure out if she's reacting to me, or I'm reacting to her, but we're BOTH reduced to tantrums many times a day. She doesn't listen to much that I say without screaming "NO!" at me. I'm at my wit's end by 10 a.m. many days.

My therapist and other mom friends recommended a sticker-incentive chart for at least getting through the main things you gotta do each day. We just started last night...so far DD is excited about the stickers so hopefully it'll help. If she meets her goal for the week she'll get a special treat (like a lollipop) on top of the stickers. Things on our chart are: Getting dressed, setting table, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and going to bed. Each has to be done willingly or no sticker. Getting ready in the morning and going to bed at night are hell, so I pray it'll work.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously is sending DD to preschool. Sounds un-AP to some, but trust me, she's just not a stay-at-home child. She's stimulated and learns and uses up good energy at school, which makes our days go much smoother. Also, having a babysitter come so I can get a break, and taking breaks when DH is around, has been very helpful. I always feel a lot more loving when I have had a moment's peace to refresh. Can you have your DH take the older child out for 3 hours each weekend so you can rest with the baby? Any time you can work in will help. Don't be surprised if the more free time you get, the more you want. Your spirit and body are depleted, and it's not easy to feel better overnight. You are WORTH the extra care and time off. It'll help you be a better mommy, plus model for your kids that they should take good care of themselves when they're parents.

One other thing, I keep recommending this book because it was so great for me. I recently read "The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family and Be Perfectly Satisfied." It is AWESOME. The guilt you feel about how you're modelling bad parenting, creating behaviors for your child to mimic, etc., I am sooooo with you on those. Reading "The Good Enough Child" has been an important part of my journey toward accepting that my child isn't going to be perfect, and neither am I, but the sooner I let go of the perfection I wanted, the happier I'll be with the way things are. The beauty of accepting things how they are is that you actually DO A BETTER JOB once you're not fretting over what a rotten job you're doing. The added psychological burden of feeling like a failure really does weight down on you and take precious energy away.

I'm not "there" yet, but I am at least trying. I want so much to feel like *I'm* "good enough," even though I may have times when I'm imperfect. Sounds like you'd like to feel better, too. You can, but it may take some time. Try not to beat yourself up till then.

BTW, do you have a good therapist? I highly, highly recommend that. You can likely find one who'll let you bring the baby (mine will) so you don't have to leave him.

Make it a priority to take care of yourself...and you'll be better able to take care of your kids. Take a long soak in the tub and cry if you want. Let the tears mix with the bath water and think about them cleansing pain from inside, and nourishing you on the outside. You don't feel like a great mom right now, but YOU ARE. If you weren't, you wouldn't give a fig about how anything affected your kids. The fact that you care so deeply tells me a lot more about you than the fact that you get cross with them sometimes. We ALL get that way. Being passionate means I yell at my daughter more than other people, but I am convinced it also means I can love that much more strongly, too.

Warmly,
Carol

[cwaddick]

Ditto.

My 2-year old DD1 *used* to be reasonable and negotiable. Now, she screams for what she wants. "Mommy, turn off the light." "Bobby, want peach." The thing is that she no longer accepts "no" or "instead this" for an answer... moreover, she is often not appeased when she does get what she wants: I turn off the light, but she is still screaming "Mommy, turn off the light."

To be honest, I am dreaming of toddler-sized straight jackets and child-dosed valium. At least so that I could get up in the middle of the night and used the bathroom in peace and quiet.

My DD2 is angelic most of the time, and fussy/gassy at my breast some of the time.

Unfortunately, they seem to cry at the same time at least once a day.

I need a vacation away from all of them, including DH, who claims he is sick, but isn't taking care of himself. I am mad at him for being sick now.

-- Caitlin

[Drewsmom]

Thank you so much for the posts & ideas. Ellasmama I cried reading your post ( I really, really needed it today) and cwaddick I don't know if you mean it this way or not but I really laughed at your post, which again is so helpful today.

I have signed ds up for preschool. I had a homeschool preschool group set up for next year but I realize that I don't think it'll be possible emotionally for me.

I'm at my wits end again. I can't make dh realize what's going on wiht me. Today I went every other minute thinking about ways I could end it all (for just me). I feel like I'm literally going crazy and noone around me is paying any attention.

I came up with two solutions that might work for now. i pumped and am trying to get the baby used to the bottle. Dh will take night shifts or get a divorce. I need at least 5 consecutive hours of sleep for the next few days to get myself out of this. I will also offer to pay my neighbor who my son loves to play at their house (b/c they have a son his age) to watch ds#1 a couple of days a week. If my dh still continues to work these crazy hours while I'm telling him taht I feel suicidal and crazy then it's time to take a leave of absence.

Thanks for the responses.