Any mothers of color (African-American) using GD to raise their children?

[boopie2001]

I wanted to find out if there are other AA mothers out there using GD. I am trying to learn how to parent differently than how I was raised. How do you deal with your family's perception of your parenting ability? Are you using techniques found in any particular parenting book? If so, which one?

I just wanted to find others who are doing this so I don't feel so alone. I am trying to find ways to parent without spanking. I really want to raise them without physical discipline involved. I think part of the reason I struggle with it is because I was raised with spanking being part of discipline and also there is some cultural pressure to spank you kids so they will not become "spoiled".

Anyone out there?

[Super Glue Mommy]

Any one of any culture, gender, or religion can raise their children with gentle discipline. Children do no discriminate - they all want to grow up feelings safe, loved, and respected. There is pressure to spank no matter who you are. How old are your children? That may help with book recommendations if we know what age group we are recommending for. Also this board can be a big support in how to handle behaviors that are problematic in your life.

[Ekere]

I get it

Greetings. I hope all is well. I'm right there with you!!! I have two girls, ages 3 and a half and 22 months. And I do know what you mean about perceptions of how we raise our children.

My parents were definitely NOT big on hitting. It was very very rare that they put their hands on me. But in our family and of course, our community, it was acceptable to hit as a form of discipline.

I have struggled with this, to be honest, but I am dedicated to using GD. Well, as gentle as I can be when I am sleep deprived or desperate for a moment without the constant buzzing of my babes. And books didn't inspire me to use GD (although I am an AVID reader), it was a conversation I had with a friend over a decade ago.

I do time-outs with my 3 and half year old if she is out of control. I talk to her about her behavior (in an adult way but not too wordy) when she is misbehaving. I try not to let my ego get in the way of how I treat her, which is a bigger test in public, but I do my best.

ANd yes, occasionally I do lose my temper. I have raised my voice. I have threatened her old school style. Yes, I have. I admit it. I am not perfect. But I am doing the best I can.

Blessings to you.

It feels good to talk to someone else out there who I know "gets it". Everybody didn't have a momma talking about getting her switch!

Take care.
ekere

[futurmama8]

Don't have babies yet but soon will in a few years. I have made a vow to do it different than my family. For some reason when I am around certain black families I see a lot of yelling and impatience and pointless hitting. This something that will change with me and I hope I can mentor and help other people change. I probably won't hear it from my mother because she already told me she would kill me if I touched her grandkids (how GD right LOL). I have a personality where I pretty much could care less what people think. They are your children so you will do what you feel is best right? If they want to parent then they need to go have their own babies.. This is something within the AA community that can be prevalent. We like obedience ("get out of grown folks business", "stay in a childs place", ). I try this with my godson and goddaughter and they respond greatly to this even though their mother yells, hits and can have little patience. He does try to test me to see how far he can go but I just think that is normal human behavior. I think some mamas will come in and help you. If not go to the WOC tribe and ask or maybe the multicultural forum. You can do it girl!!

OOHH i can remember having to go out in the yard to get my own switch, not fun at all and it doesn't make you feel. Another reason GD is for me.HMM that sounds like a good bumper sticker...

PS:this post is not saying this applies to all black people just what I have experienced within this community.

[Ekere]

Dr. Joy Degruy talks about discipline in the AA community in her work on post-Traumatic Slave syndrome. Her ideas are incredible and they resonate.

http://www.joydegruy.com/

Honestly, i think a lot of folk are bone tired and they just repeat what they have inherited without thinking about where it may have come from. Folks don't think about what hitting might perpetuate in their children.

Respect is so huge in our community too. I think that so many people feel disrespected by so many forces outside their homes that when they go home and face what they deem is "disrespect," Lawwwwd, it's a wrap!

Joy-Degruy would say that this type of punishment is not our culture, this is residue from slavery. And like I said, when she breaks it down the way she does, it makes perfect sense. So it is up to us to stop this in our families. It is up to LIBERATE ourselves. Once again, I am no saint and I am not professing that it is always easy. But I believe that--um--change is possible. (where have I heard that before?)

Yes, we can.

Good night.

ekere

[boopie2001]

Thanks so much for the responses. My twins are 22 months old now and I am trying to change things for my family. I was spanked with the belt or the "switch" by my parents and grandmothers. I am trying to do things differently. It is hard since I am the only one caring for them (I have no family around and my husband is currently working out of town). I am often tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I am not as patient with them when I am feeling like that.

I want to make clear to others out there that not all black families spank their children. It is just what I encountered within my own family. My husband and mother say that my kids have "trained" me. Sometimes I feel as though they have.

Anyway, I am happy to see there are others out there who understand where I am coming from. It gives me hope that I can do this if I really try.

[UnCoolMom]

I'm black and I was beaten as punishment/discipline. My husband is white. He was spanked. We disagree on this: I refuse to hit her, or allow him to. He says there's a time and a place. We'll see.

In the meantime, my parents aren't allowed to watch her alone or have custody in case anything happens to me. I can't bear the thought of my precious baby being smacked around for not getting dressed in time. Yeah, I got hit for things like that. Nothing gets you out the door quicker on a school day than being stopped in order for a much bigger person to yell at you and shove you into a wall.

[shayinme]

Yes, I am Black and do practice GD. My favorite book is Pam Leo's Connection Parenting but I have read many others as well.

I was physically disciplined and I will admit that with my oldest who is now 17, I did spank but I knew it never felt right and stopped early on. I have a 3 yo dd and resolved to not spank. I will admit its been hard at times just because it was so ingrained in me to be harsh in our discipline. Yet now at 3.5 its a habit and pretty much the only way she knows.

I do know that some of my white friends don't consider me as gentle since while I don't use physical punishment or timeouts, there are times when my tone of voice may seem less gentle. I will be honest though and say that is where I see the disconnect between my white and black friends who practice GD. Its hard to explain.

As for family, we have no family near us, closet family is 1100 miles away so haven't dealt with anyone's views on the matter though my FIL who is white seems a tad perplexed at times when he visits. Thankfully he keeps any thoughts to himself.

In the FYT section there is a WOC tribe and we have discussed this over there so you may want to check out the tribe.

Shay

[eli.]

I'm white and my husband is black, so I've been following this thread with interest. I've been wondering how much of the disconnect he & I have in our parenting styles is based on culture. He doesn't hit, but he raises his voice to a level that makes me VERY uncomfortable (it makes ME cringe because he sounds SO angry, although he'll tell me he's not, he is only using this tone to make sure our 16 month old son pays attention) while I feel that a MUCH gentler tone coupled with a physical redirection would be equally effective.

I've talked to him about this a few times, but I don't know why I can't seem to get through to him. I would understand better if for some reason he was loosing his temper and just needed to work on maintaining his cool, but if that's not it and really thinks this is what he SHOULD do, I don't know where to start.....

I don't want to derail your thread, but I'll happily be a fly on the wall while you all continue to discuss.

[tropicaldutchtulip]

DH and I are CC but our 33 month old twins are AA/CC. My DH was severely spanked on the verge of beaten with belts and such so I also understand in a way. It is very hard at times to get DH to "see" that while he does not spank our girls, his yelling in anger still does have a huge impact on them. DH comes from a very strong German culture. I just wanted to jump in since my girls are AA/CC and I also have twins! I was rarely actually spanked but I was threatened with the switch and would have go pick it off the branch myself!

[LoveOhm]

My African American mama friend said SuperNanny saved her kids from ever being spanked and that her books offer insight that works. (Note: In general by African American standards SuperNanny is GD by MDC standards it is not and the books offer more insight than the show which I cannot stand.) I think The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears is a nice mainstream intro for anyone one new to the concepts of GD. Also I might think Rev Run and his wife are good examples of Positive Disciple with older children.... and he has a book but I have not read it, just like the show.