This has been bothering me for days. He was struggling during a diaper change, which has been a major power struggle recently. He's 18 months old. I tried all my "regular" approaches, distrations, songs, etc...and he would NOT stop struggling, and he was getting shit all over my father's couch, and I just LOST IT and smacked his leg.
What made it worse was the look of utter shock on his face that not only was I not comforting him, but he suddenly realized that I was the one who inflicted the pain. And he stopped struggling, just layed there and cried while I finished (quickly and efficiently). I felt absolutely awful. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
When he was in a clean diaper, I spent about 5 minutes hugging him and comforting him, and apologized to him for using my hand to hit. He seemd fine, in terms of moving past the incident, and he only cried for a minute or so, but I still am carrying a load of guilt.
He has had a huge amount of change, transition, and disruption in his life recently (which is where the power struggle comes in, which I recognize), and now he has one more thing in his little world to wonder about - whether Mama is going to hurt him if he doesnt listen.
I cant even express how crappy I feel. I hope I never am in this place again. I have NEVER intentionally hurt him, not even in my most extreme moments of frustration. Once, when he was about 12 months old, he kept messing with the cords plugged into the wall at someone else's house, and I kind of poked him with the plug, which startled him more than anything else. And once when he was about 6 weeks old, my then-husband (we're divorcing now) walked into the room at about 4 am when I'd been up all night with ds, and asked me if I couldnt keep the damn door shut because the baby crying woke him up. I was so furious with him that I snatched ds up off the changing table abruptly and scared the bejesum out of ds. I told myself then that NEVER again would I handle my baby in anger, no matter what the reason. Until this incident the other day, I have kept true to my conviction.
And now my conviction is renewed. I remember how guilty I felt when ds was 6 wks old and I scared him by handling him roughly, and I feel the same way now. Just needed to unload. Thanks.
What made it worse was the look of utter shock on his face that not only was I not comforting him, but he suddenly realized that I was the one who inflicted the pain. And he stopped struggling, just layed there and cried while I finished (quickly and efficiently). I felt absolutely awful. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
When he was in a clean diaper, I spent about 5 minutes hugging him and comforting him, and apologized to him for using my hand to hit. He seemd fine, in terms of moving past the incident, and he only cried for a minute or so, but I still am carrying a load of guilt.
He has had a huge amount of change, transition, and disruption in his life recently (which is where the power struggle comes in, which I recognize), and now he has one more thing in his little world to wonder about - whether Mama is going to hurt him if he doesnt listen.
I cant even express how crappy I feel. I hope I never am in this place again. I have NEVER intentionally hurt him, not even in my most extreme moments of frustration. Once, when he was about 12 months old, he kept messing with the cords plugged into the wall at someone else's house, and I kind of poked him with the plug, which startled him more than anything else. And once when he was about 6 weeks old, my then-husband (we're divorcing now) walked into the room at about 4 am when I'd been up all night with ds, and asked me if I couldnt keep the damn door shut because the baby crying woke him up. I was so furious with him that I snatched ds up off the changing table abruptly and scared the bejesum out of ds. I told myself then that NEVER again would I handle my baby in anger, no matter what the reason. Until this incident the other day, I have kept true to my conviction.
And now my conviction is renewed. I remember how guilty I felt when ds was 6 wks old and I scared him by handling him roughly, and I feel the same way now. Just needed to unload. Thanks.
I believe most of us have been there. We are human and we make mistakes. We just need to learn from them and move on. Parenting is hard work, reading between the lines its sounds like youve had some hard times in the past year. Maybe you need to take a break and do something nice for yourself. Its hard to be at our best when theres no break in sight.
Its been a rough few weeks (for both of us), and I have tried my hardest to be ds's consistent parent that he can ALWAYS feel comforted and nurtured by, and I feel like I really compromised that trust. He is very attached to me, and has always been very in tune with my moods, or when I am very serious about something that can hurt him (hot stove, climbing stairs, etc). He actually requires very little "discipine" per se, so I'm sure my behavior was not only shocking, but makes him wonder what else Mama is capable of.
Take care mama, it happens to everyone. One of my friends had good insight on this. If we do this at our WORST, what happens with parents who START with hitting or screaming? It's scary to think about.
:.
. I like that analogy.
. It sucks, but otherwise, the boy would be buns-to-the-wind 90% of the time. Right now we are staying with family (and we arent exactly welcome, either), so I cant run the risk of nice little puddles on the floor. And the couch is the only place to change. The floors are unfinished, and consist of splintery plywood. He does the "alligator-death-roll" wherever though, it doesnt matter where we do the change. The smack on the leg happened last Sunday, and nothing has changed appreciably since then. Except my own patience level has notched up a bit 
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