UGH!! MIL rant! Update post #79

[heamae]

So dh and me have not discussed Circ in a while. He wants it, I dont. Found out insurance wont cover it unless its done at the hospital. We are having a home birth so we would have to pay out of pocket for it. DH's hours have been cut really bad so I know we cant afford it and figured the issue would just die away and pretty much has. Until today!! DH stopped to see his mom this morning and she asked about Circ. he told her that I wont even talk about it with him any more. He told her we cant afford to pay out of pocket for it so she told him to find out how much its going to be and of course she will pay for it!!! "Its something that just has to be done" I am so insulted!!! I knew thats what she would say. I dint discuss it any further. DH knows where I stand. She babysits a lot, its not possible for her to find a doc and get this done behind my back, is it??

[Ann-Marita]

I don't think any law-abiding doctor would circ a baby if the grandparent tried to arrange it. That sounds like grounds for a Big Time lawsuit.

But if your MIL is going to be babysitting your son, you need to make SURE she won't retract!

[Fellow Traveler]

Originally Posted by heamae

So dh and me have not discussed Circ in a while. He wants it, I dont. Found out insurance wont cover it unless its done at the hospital. We are having a home birth so we would have to pay out of pocket for it. DH's hours have been cut really bad so I know we cant afford it and figured the issue would just die away and pretty much has. Until today!! DH stopped to see his mom this morning and she asked about Circ. he told her that I wont even talk about it with him any more. He told her we cant afford to pay out of pocket for it so she told him to find out how much its going to be and of course she will pay for it!!! "Its something that just has to be done" I am so insulted!!! I knew thats what she would say. I dint discuss it any further. DH knows where I stand. She babysits a lot, its not possible for her to find a doc and get this done behind my back, is it??

It might be possible but would be really stupid on her part. It would also be a significant liability for her and the Dr you might need to make it clear the repercussions such a move would create.

[kriket]

does she know your stance on this?

I would be uber irked. To the point of 'we need to have a talk' and pulling her aside to tell her to butt out.

I'm angry for you.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Unfortunatly yes it is possible for her to have it done without your concent. All she has to do it make the appt. and take him in it is as simple as that. She can give any story about you she wishes and since your dh isnt on board with not circing he might even go with her.

If you have no other choice but to let her babysit you need to sit down with her and explain it in a way you know she will understand that if she where to do something like that she would never see her grandchild again and any other "facts" that might befall her should she even consider it.

In all honesty I would be terrified to leave my ds with her. What if she decides to retract him so that it causes damage so he will "have" to be circed. Even if she backs off on the circ issue.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this but please mama talk to your MIL dont let their be any doubt in her mind where you stand on circ.

We had a poster here years ago who's MIL made the appt and the father was in on it with her. They where going to take the baby to give mom a break and take him to have it done. Lucky for the mom the MIL gave the dad's address as contact and they sent a letter to sign for concent and the mom got it or her little boy would have been circed.

[bezark]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

We had a poster here years ago who's MIL made the appt and the father was in on it with her. They where going to take the baby to give mom a break and take him to have it done. Lucky for the mom the MIL gave the dad's address as contact and they sent a letter to sign for concent and the mom got it or her little boy would have been circed.

Wow. That kind of deception would be grounds for divorce for me.

[LadyMage]

Originally Posted by bezark

Wow. That kind of deception would be grounds for divorce for me.

Here, here!

My DH and I only have a 12mo DD, but we've fought over the circumcision 'decision' off and on since I discovered more about it AFTER DD was born. Thank GOD I didn't have a boy first, or he may be cut right now! DH wants to circ if we have boys- he is, and wants his sons to be, too. We went through the rounds of 'oh, it's cleaner' and 'insert other circ myth here' but I finally just wore him down to he 'just thinks it looks better'. I, of course, hadn't bridged the gap to speak to MIL about it, and if I ever were pregnant with a boy, should she give me any advice on the subject, I would most certainly bite her head off. Anyway, yeah, if DH went behind my back and had our future son/s mutilated because he has hangups about his own penis, I wouldn't need a divorce- I'd need a wooden box and shovel.

~LM

[perspective]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

We had a poster here years ago who's MIL made the appt and the father was in on it with her. They where going to take the baby to give mom a break and take him to have it done. Lucky for the mom the MIL gave the dad's address as contact and they sent a letter to sign for concent and the mom got it or her little boy would have been circed.

Wow, what happened with that woman. Did she divorce that guy?



To the OP- I think thats a more unusual case, but you do need to sit down with your MIL and let her know that you and her son are the parents. Tell her, you understand she is just trying to help, but as parents, this is an issue you and your husband will figure out, and ask her to butt out until AFTER a decision is made.

[heamae]

Well I went to her house today just to hang out and I wasnt there 2 min. before she brought it up. She was at physical therapy today and brought it up to her therapist, who has two boys. I stopped her there. Just told her I refuse to talk about it. Thats that. I think before we even knew we were having a boy she asked if we would do it and I said no and we got into about it, so she knows where I stand. I am just too hormonal right now to discuss anything with out breaking out crying. There was no way I was going to talk about it. DH wants it done but I dont think he would go behind my back like that and do it.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

To the best of my memory she is still with her dh. They did get into a big fight about it though but she decided since he backed down after her finding out he would just let it go.

That is the only story like that I have came across here that extreme thank goodness.

She never thought that her dh would do something like that either but he surprised her

[heamae]

Well dh and me just got into a huge argument about it agian! I dont know what to do any more!! He left for work and I am left crying. Argument put on hold until another day!

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Just let it go mama it isnt good for you or the baby. If you are having a hospital birth dont let the baby out of your site and anyone that enters the room gets the "he is not to be circed" lecture.

I hope your dh comes around but putting your foot down and saying it isnt happening might be the way it has to be. I didnt like doing it but oh well ds is intact and dh is still not anti circ. But all that matters is ds is whole.

[Papai]

Originally Posted by heamae

Well dh and me just got into a huge argument about it agian! I dont know what to do any more!! He left for work and I am left crying. Argument put on hold until another day!

What are his reasons for wanting it done?

[WC_hapamama]

What kind of insurance do you have? If you're going to have a regular pediatrician, make it quite clear to him/her that under no circumstances do you consent to your son being circumsized, and that if one is performed on your child anyway (with father's consent), you will take any necessary legal action.

Also make it quite clear to your MIL and DH that if they try to do it behind your back, there will be hell to pay. Period.

Honestly, most doctors won't even see a child for the first time without a parent or legal guardian present, let alone perform a procedure like a circ on them without parental consent.

[needhelpplease]

I know this sounds extreme, but you might consider sending letters to paediatricians in your area notifying them not to perform the procedure without your consent. Just in case.

Good luck. I hope you can convince him, or if not, just have it at the point where he can't/won't do anything.

[serenekitten]

s

I was told by my DPs that boyfriend's mother says it (circ) WILL be done. I couldn't form a coherent response at the time -- that this is not her baby to decide what "will" be done and what won't.

Hang in there. I hope things work out positively.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I would tell my MIL that it can't be done without mother's permission and presence and if it was in any way attempted that you would call the police, file charges, and sue. Not to mention divorce her son in a heartbeat and then she will *never* get visitation.

That is pretty extreme. If it were me, I would just look her straight in the face and tell her that your son's penis is none of her business and it is unhealthy and making you uncomfortable that she is taking such an interest in it.

[hakunangovi]

Well, you have recieved some good advice about preventing the deed from taking place, and I would not take that lightly. Definitely talk to your Dr. However, I feel that , if possible, you need to somehow educate your DH and your MIL to get them off your back. Maybe print our the article on circumcision that was published in "Men's Health" some years ago. That should have credibility enough for your DH. For MIL, how about the article published by Dr Christianne Northrup (very well respected female Dr) entitled " How circumcision may have ruined your sex life" - or something like that.
Good luck - and don't give up. We are all here for you!

[Cheshire]

Maybe your MIL feels so strongly about it because she doesn't want to admit that she did it to her son unnecessarily?

Just tell her you know she made the best decision for her son with the information she had at the time. Now that the medical community knows that circ is not medically necessary you will make the best decision for your son that you can. Tell her you expect her to respect your decision and you would appreciate if she'd quit meddling in your marriage by discussing it with your husband - this is a decision between yourself and your husband, not her. She really needs to drop it. Tell her you know she doesn't want to cause harm to her son's marriage.

Also, ask her if she will have a problem following your care instructions for your son's intact penis. This opens the door to explaining that she should never retract, wipe it just like a finger, etc. Her answer and reaction will tell you if you'll be able to trust her with the care of your son.

By explaining it to her that you are making the most informed decision you remove her from the debate. She can't argue if you won't argue with her. Also, by talking to her about it point blank and showing that you aren't going to argue or be swayed by her it should send a strong message that this is not a battle she will win and she is also possibly harming your marriage.

As far as DH is concerned - I'm sorry he is still not in agreement with you. Have you tried to agree to disagree and let your son make the decision when he is old enough to consent to plastic surgery? What are his arguments for having it done?

Hugs to you. You'll get through this, have a beautiful baby boy and it will all blow over as he grows up.

[oliversmum2000]

i am afraid that if my mil made this offer knowing how i feel i would not allow her to be alone with my child, as her lack of respect for me would not be something that i would be happy for my child to be exposed to.