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WWYD- smoking at moms house and telling DSS to lie * Update - Page 2

post #21 of 33
Thread Starter 
[
As for the issue about him wanting to pretend to smoke and wanting to smoke when he is bigger when DSS talks about wanting to smoke or pretend to smoke I tell him that smoking is yucky it hurts his lungs and his body and he should not do it and if he says that his mom etc... smoke we tell him that smoking is also addictive and that his mom, big brother etc do not want to smoke because it hurts there bodies and makes them feel yucky but because it is addictive it is really hard for them to stop. This way we can be against smoking and not against his family.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for this, this seems like a very good way to approach the subject. I worry about making him think "smoking is bad so mommy is bad because she smokes".

And i do agree that the relationship with his mom is important and Dh does not want to discontinue it, of of course neither do i. That being the reason why dh initiates visits despite concerns.
post #22 of 33
I am going to leave the thread unlocked, as long as the tenor of the thread can remain kind. I appreciate that the majority of the posters have remained calm and gentle with one another, which has been the behavior in our Blended and Step Family Parenting forum for quite some time now. However, if posts continue in a less than kind manner, I will have to continue to pull posts and issue alerts, and at that point the thread will be locked. Thanks for your cooperation, Ladies.

Warmly,
Courtenay_e, Moderator of Blended and Step Family Parenting
post #23 of 33

i think smoke is nasty and with 3 grandparents who died from lung cancer and with a mom who currently has lung cancer, i would feel so sick to my stomach about this situation.

however, your dss deserves a relationship with his mom (which sounds like you and your dh support), and he shouldn't have to worry about the smoking issue in anyway, he has no control over it and nor do you and your hubby. i wouldn't even mention it to your dss when he gets home, i would just wash your dss' clothes and give him a bath.

now in regards to his pretend smoking, then i think it's appropriate to talk about smoking, but not in reference to his mom.
post #24 of 33
Thread Starter 
i am sorry that offended some of you. It was not my intention and i did not mean it as a insult at all. I personally would not find it offense if i were called biomom and honestly did not realize that it wold offend others. If someone could inform me on how to edit my title i would be more than happy to change it.
post #25 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandib50 View Post

however, your dss deserves a relationship with his mom (which sounds like you and your dh support), and he shouldn't have to worry about the smoking issue in anyway, he has no control over it and nor do you and your hubby. i wouldn't even mention it to your dss when he gets home, i would just wash your dss' clothes and give him a bath.

now in regards to his pretend smoking, then i think it's appropriate to talk about smoking, but not in reference to his mom.
: Exactly.
It's obvious that you care, but I wouldnt spin my wheels needlessly on this one. It would be different if she saw him more often, luckily thats not the case.
post #26 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by julesdsm View Post
i am sorry that offended some of you. It was not my intention and i did not mean it as a insult at all. I personally would not find it offense if i were called biomom and honestly did not realize that it wold offend others. If someone could inform me on how to edit my title i would be more than happy to change it.
Thank you.
post #27 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandib50 View Post

i think smoke is nasty and with 3 grandparents who died from lung cancer and with a mom who currently has lung cancer, i would feel so sick to my stomach about this situation.

however, your dss deserves a relationship with his mom (which sounds like you and your dh support), and he shouldn't have to worry about the smoking issue in anyway, he has no control over it and nor do you and your hubby. i wouldn't even mention it to your dss when he gets home, i would just wash your dss' clothes and give him a bath.

now in regards to his pretend smoking, then i think it's appropriate to talk about smoking, but not in reference to his mom.
i agree with this but when someones close family member smokes --mom, brother etc... i found it was hard to talk about smoking being yucky without feeling like i was talking about dss's mom and without him bringing his mom as smoker up so i felt like it was good to have a response that talked about smoking being bad while allowing me to point out that the people we love in our life who smoke are not bad. I never brought up smoking in reference to his mom but still needed a way to address his mom
post #28 of 33
That's true. If we bring up certain subjects (smoking being one of them) we all know who we are talking about. The one smokers we know!
post #29 of 33
i dont which state you are in but in our final custody order the judge specified "father is not to smoke ciggarettes around the children" so sometimes it can be done
post #30 of 33
Thread Starter 

Update

Just wanted to update. Dh dropped off Dss at his moms three days ago and talked to his mom again about the smoking, for the first she didn't try to fight about it. I picked him up yesterday afternoon and he did NOT smell like smoke for the first in nearly two years! I don't know if it is that Dh spoke to her, or just because she says she is getting over pneumonia, but either way I was very happy and we're crossing our fingers that it sticks!
post #31 of 33
Thats awesome!! Lets hope it stays that way. Maybe you could encourage her behavior having your DH tell her how incredibly well he is doing now that he is back.....that he isn't having problems this time......etc
post #32 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor View Post
We've been there too. DSs's mother says she only smokes outside, (thought later that was inside, too, after he goes to bed) but the house is just saturated as another person put it. The smell is just there and filled ds's clothes, hair, backpack,e tc. I swear that when I opened his backpack it seemed like a puff of smoke came out (just the smell, of course!). I was embarrassed by it, and concerned about dss's health. We never got anywhere with it as an "issue" though, since she claimed it didn't happen in the house. I can see you putting it in the custody agreement (we have no alcohol and illegal drugs in ours), but it seems hard to enforce. The good thing is that when the child gets older, if he's like mine, he'll get some anti-drug, anti-cigarette lessons at school and will probably torment her with the facts and guilt.

I don't care if you call her biomom. Dss's mom is in jail right now for child endangerment and drug possession, so excuse me if I'm not all in to showing mommies respect right now. It isn't always earned.

Mmmm - I hear you. My kid's biomom (and that is what I have to call her...I am so sorry if it offends anyone but honestly...) hasn't seen them or almost two years now, and hasn't spoken to them since October of '07. They are 7 and 6 right now, and she's been in and out of jail; on the run; not paying any child support; basically refusing to work the entire time.

Honestly, as the woman who cleans up the sick (with no worries), rocks them to sleep, comforts them when they're sick, teaches them, looks into their eyes and loves them unconditionally, I think I can say that I'm pretty peed off with my children's biomom's behavior. I really don't care if she gave birth to them - I've had a child too, and she didn't live. She has two living children and doesn't give a d*mn about them, or if she does, she's way too wrapped up in whatever to worry about whether they're even alive or not.

So honestly, as a parent, you gotta get up off your butt and take your children and care for them. It's not just a "feeling" thing - it's a "doing" thing. I'd be completely mad if anyone smoked around my kids - they have breathing difficulties as it is, from years of my DP's ex GF's ENTIRE FAMILY smoking around them, so uh uh, no way...nobody will smoke within twenty feet outdoors of them in a high wind nowadays.

It's all very well and good being diplomatic for the "sake of" whatever here, but what are we being diplomatic about? Is it good enough to say "I was diplomatically allowing you to be around your smoking mother and that's why you have asthma..."? Why on earth should any of us have to make allowances for anyone not treating our children right? Why should we, as straight up, loving parents be required to put up with someone else treating our kids like garbage just because they are biological parents?

Would any of you guys be happy with the other parent dangling your kid over long sharp spikes by their underpants all weekend and bringing them home traumatized but saying "well, yes, I dangled them but I didn't drop them - look - they're physically unharmed!"

Bah. It just gets to me, all of this injustice when the children themselves have no say. Jules, I'd do what we did - just don't make contact. Sure, my girl used to ask about her mom sometimes, but then the waiting on the sofa with bags packed, when her biomom wouldn't bother showing up or calling (multiple times) soon made us realize that trying to preserve a relationship where the biological parent simply didn't care was just having a really negative emotional impact on her.

Anyway, didn't mean to rant on then. It's just that a few days ago, I found out that the biomom of my kids is currently hiding out in her mother's apartment block, thirty miles from our house, from the police on several warrants. I guess she's been there for a while, but is so terribly concerned about saving her own skin that she hasn't called, still. Irony is that their paternal grandma has had the same telephone number since 1972, so getting in touch would be so easy, if she gave half a hoot...

Okay, okay, rant over. Thanks for letting me vent al over your post

*HUGE hugs* - hope it gets all sorted out really soon XXX
post #33 of 33
Because you gave half genetic the make up it doesn't mean you are a mother or father.

When there is two same gender parent clarifying by the term bio helps clarify the situation.

My son has a bio-dad. Then he has a dad, my husband. The same goes for moms.

I am my children's biomom and mom. Children can have two moms!!
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