almost 4yr old very difficult to maintain within limits

[griciai]

My sweet DD is slowly turning into a bear to deal with. She has become very demanding, stubborn, agressive to her baby brother (comes up to him and hurts him with no provocation), agressive toward caregivers (kicks the babysitter) and will look me in the eye and do exactly what I'm telling her not to do.

I do not believe in controlling children for the sake of controlling them. I do not believe in physical punishment or time outs (I tried putting her in a time out once and it did not work at all). I try to be respectful to her, I explain things - she's very intelligent, and she does understand. And then she turns around and keeps at it. She does not watch TV, does not attend preschool, and does not experience agressive/hurtful/etc behaviour at home. Whenever possible, I try to give her choices. I also try to give consequences - e.g. if she cannot share a toy (not a coveted one), or if she throws a toy down the stairs after I just told her not to, I will take it away.

Some things are developmental, and yes, we have had stresses in our lives - but who doesn't? This has gotten to be a problem that everyone who visits clearly sees. There are some things (kicking people, demanding attention at all costs, hurting her little brother) that are NOT acceptable. I cannot get through to her.

We also had planned to enroll her in a summer sport or preschool in the fall, since she's shown interest in such things. She's very shy, and she wants to do things her way or no way - I'm afraid I'll get a call in the first day...

I so miss my dear, sweet little girl - where did she go?

Help?!
TIA

[Shell]

I could have written your thread, except that my daughter is almost 4.5 and does attend preschool. I am curious to see any responses, but I did want you to know that my daughter is perfectly respectful in nursery school. There are very set rules which she follows to a tee. They are not nearly as wishy washy as we are at home, and lo and behold - she is unbelievably well behaved. In some respects it gives me hope that she can be well behaved when she wants to!

I just totally freaked on my daughter about 20 minutes ago because she has been pushing her brother (who is one) ALL DAY. Nothing I say can make her stop, and I just lost my cool. DH told me to go away (for my own good!) and luckily he is playing with the kids right now so I can have some space.

I wish you luck, and hope that someone can describe for us the light at the end of the tunnel!

[fritz]

I'm in the middle of reading Playful Parenting, which is mostly about connecting with our kids through play. I'd guess that your daughter needs more attention (preferably positive) from you right now, and since she's unable to get it one way, she's seeking out negative attention instead.

Try filling up her love cup, joining her in play, or other one-on-one time, to reconnect in a positive way. She's probably feeling a little jealous of the attention her brother is getting. The more positive attention she receives, the less likely she is to be aggressive.

[funkymamajoy]

:

[griciai]

it's nice to see I'm not alone....I thought it really got to be a problem when the baby was born and she was 2 3/4yrs old - we thought it was her age + rivalry with the new baby. Now DS is almost 1, and the "terrible three's" should be getting better.... *sigh*

I do need to be better about loving her unconditionally (rather, showing her that I do, because I really do love her unconditionally) and not losing my temper.

Yuck.

[BonMaman]

My DS1 will be four in June and shares some many similarities with your DD, from the intelligence and understanding of what's acceptable to the aggressive/violent behavior. I have noticed some improvements when I stand my ground firmly but non-chalantly (as opposed to laying down the law in a thundering, angry voice). I still struggle with consequences for continued picking on DS2. Rather than enforce consequences, I try to take a preventative approach and engage DS1 in all that I can, which does help, but sometimes he just has to gig DS2. : I need to find a balance between setting DS1 up for success and enforcing the consequences that are natural and necessary.