hitting/pinching/biting 15 month old

[newmama8824]

My 15 month old DS hits, bites and pinches. If he is frustrated with something he will come hit me or pinch my face. If he wants down somewhere that isn't safe for him to be roaming around, I will try to hold his hand and most of the time he allows, but if he wants to walk he will flop down and bite my hand. How should I address this behavior? I am kind of at a loss of what to do since this is my first child and he has never acted this until he was about a 12 months. He also bites/hits/pinches or pulls other childrens hair. He makes an angry sound and looks at me and will hit them. Sometimes he doesn't do it out of angry or frustration, but other times it's obvious he is doing it and knows he is doing it. I am not happy to admit that I tried slapping his hand once because people just kept telling me to do it, so I did, and that didn't work or help the situation. I can redirect all day long, and sometimes I just wonder if it will ever work! I also have tried saying "We don't hit." and holding him, then he just gets upset with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I would like to discipline him in a gentle manner, but I am not sure how to go about it.

[fritz]

You're right that he's frustrated. He's still so young, he doesn't have the skills to communicate what he wants. So start teaching him what he can do instead. Try teaching him a few signs/gestures (up/down, help, play?) or words to say that would help you better understand what he wants (let go).

"Gentle touches," is a phrase we said a lot, along with demonstrating what a gentle touch feels like. You'll get sick of saying it and practicing it, but it does eventually pay off. Right now your baby doesn't realize his own strength, so he isn't necessarily trying to hurt others. He just needs help practicing how to get attention in a more gentle manner.

Start practicing in a safe environmnet, so that when he hits/pinches/bites you can immediately put him down. Remind him you like gentle touches, or say, "No biting!" You have a right to keep yourself from getting hurt. After a few seconds, if he wants to be picked back up, go ahead and try again. But if he hurts you again, put him right back down with another brief reminder.

If he wants down and it just isn't safe (parking lot, near a busy street, lots of broken glass, etc), acknowledge that he wants to get down so that he feels heard/understood, but tell him simply it's not safe right now, but that you'll put him down as soon as it is safe. Then get to a safe place as soon as possible and put him down so he can practice walking. And empathize that it's hard to wait. Actually, starting to practice labelling emotions (identifying facial expressions/tone of voice) is a good habit to get into, and will eventually allow him to label his own emotions when he's older. It's really hard to say, "I'm mad!" if you don't really know what being mad looks/sounds/feels like.

If you don't want to limit his exposure to other children, but you're pretty sure he'll be hurting them, you'll have to spend some time as a "helicopter mom" by staying right next to him. Block his arm or gently grab his hand when he reaches out to pull the other kids' hair or pinch them. You can also facilitate trading toys if that seems to be part of the problem. Kids don't really start to understand sharing until about 4 years old (although taking turns seems to be a little easier for them to get). When he does eventually hurt another child, remind him to use gentle touches, and ask the other kid if they're okay, and apologize to the other child/parent.

And of course, making sure he's well-rested and well-fed goes a long way towards minimizing meltdowns. For both of you. I know I'm super cranky when I'm tired or hungry =).

For more ideas on how to use gentle discipline, read lots of threads in this forum, and check out some of the books up in the sticky thread at the top of the forum page from your local library.

[Shami]

Fritz gave a lot of good tips. I am going through this with dd. I noticed that I was talking about it WAY TOO MUCH. I was talking to many people in person and on the phone and I think she did it more. I didn't realize she knew so much. I tried putting her down, walking away, pretend crying, saying the same thing, gentle touches, on and on. I even pinched her back once. That was terrible and I feel ashamed for trying it. Here's what is working for me.

1. I told her to squeeze my thumbs. As soon as I saw her little jaw clench (precursor to pinching), I said, squeeze my thumbs. She squeezes with all her might, gritting her teeth. The reason I used my thumbs is because I couldn't always have the same object for her to squeeze at my disposal, but my thumbs are always available.
2. Do lots of heavy lifting, pushing and pulling during the day. Activities on their hands and knees like bear walking. An Occupational therapist told me this. Buy some toys that they have to pull and put together like big leggos or those big plastic beads that snap together. Put things in a laundry basket and let them pull/push.
3. Be close and ready to intercede when around other children and model how to apologize and make sure the other kid is ok.
4. When they are tired, head home. I don't push it anymore.
5. Stop talking about it in front of them. THEY KNOW! Even if you try to spell the word, THEY KNOW.
6. I stop making a big deal of it. I was really dramatic in the beginning. Now I just move my arm away and say Uh uh uh. Then she tells me, NO! (actually she is telling herself no) It's kind of funny.
7. Gentle hands reminder over and over.
8. The giving their feeling words really works! For ex. She began to cry and fight me over leaving the slide. Then I started to say, Oh, you like the slide. You want to keep sliding. You don't want to leave the slide. By this time she stopped crying and just kept nodding in agreement with me as I was putting her in her car seat. That was that...it was over. I was shocked that it worked so well.
9. This stage will pass. I can already tell with dd that she is moving on. Hope some of this helps.