car seat struggles

[snoopy5386]

Sigh, we went though this once before, I don't really remember anything that worked except time to get through it. DD is going through a phase where she refuses to sit in her seat and get buckled. She gets into her seat, but won't sit down, she stands up, turns around, plays around, etc. Luckily the few times that she has done it so far we have had nowhere to go so I have been able to wait her out. Yesterday I told her I was going to sit in the front seat until she was ready to be buckled. I sat and ignored her and she played around for a while and then told me she was ready to get buckled. I buckled her and we went home no problems. Today I did the same thing - she told me she was ready, I got into the back to buckle her, she told me she wasn't ready yet and to go back up front. : Uhhhh.....no Mommy isn't playing this game. I sat next to her and ignored her, she gave up after a while and I was able to buckle her in. I have explained we can't go anywhere until she is buckled because it isn't safe, etc.
I don't always have 10-15 mins for her to play around in the car before we have to go. I don't really want to use physical force to get her in her seat - I had to do lots of that last time we went through this, I am reading unconditional parenting and trying to find a way to deal with this situation that fits in with those ideas. The weather is neither hot nor cold so that isn't helping her to get in faster. She tends to do it when we are on our way home from somewhere so I can't use not going somewhere as a natural consequence.
Any ideas???

[kriket]

Originally Posted by snoopy5386

. She tends to do it when we are on our way home from somewhere so I can't use not going somewhere as a natural consequence.
Any ideas???

I don't know what your definitions are of bribing, or how you feel about this.

I would mention on the way to the car that there is something super cool to do or see at home and how I can't wait to get there. Then when she won't sit, bring up said super cool thing again and how you're bummed that you haven't seen/done it yet.

Like I said, maybe bribing, but not you do A I'll give you B. Its motivating her to put the pieces together that if she sits, we can move on with our day, ie go home.

[phathui5]

With my kids, I'll just say something like, "It's time to go now. You can buckle yourself or I can buckle you, but you do have to buckle now."

[Super Glue Mommy]

I am not sure ignoring it is a great approach, and it's probably going to be harder for you this time around since you used force in the past (just my personal experience, may not be true for you and your child though)

I feel that kids get into power struggles when there is an unmet need and they see this as a place they have some kind of power to try to get that need met. (if there is a power struggle, your child is using power too)

I would give as many choices as possible. "Should we buckle you in now, or in 5 minutes" "will you buckle yourself in, or will I buckle you in?" I would also be honest about why you need her buckled in and that not buckling in isn't an option.

I personally wouldn't see it as a bribe to tell her what you want to get home for - it can be something she wants to do, but if its not something you were going to do anyway then it would be a bribe. But if you were planning on going home to color before you made dinner for example, you could say "I want to go home now so we can color for a little while before dinner. If we leave now, we will be able to color for 20 minutes."

My son has been doing awesome with reminders too. The bedtime transition was becoming a problem and I started saying "do you want to go to bed now, or in 10 minutes" (I said this 10 minutes before bedtime) then I would say (on the nights he chose 10 minutes) 5 minutes left. 2 minutes left. Sometimes he would just go to bed when there were 2 minutes left but he doesn't protest bedtime now. (when he did I just empathized with him until he was ready for bed - bedtime is important here because DH works from home, so he doesn't have to go to sleep but its still "bedtime") so he's back to his happy self about bedtime. Sometimes "rituals" help too. It's not conditional if you use these rituals either way. There may be some things you can do before/during getting in the carseat that would be fun things that are "part" of getting buckled in. My kids also respond well when I do something to their stuffed animal. So I might say, should we buckle in your bear first? and then we buckle in the bear. Then I will unbuckle and say "this carseat is to keep (childs name) safe! time for (child's name) to get buckled in"

the thing with all this is, its going to take come creative thinking to find what will work with your child, but you will figure it out if you just keep at it!

we recently just went through a potty regression because I made the mistake of using rewards for potty training. So last night I said to my son "you don't have to use the potty to get chocolate. (i give chocolate chips) you can have 5 chocolate chips each day no matter what. You should use the potty because you want your pants to stay dry" and that was the end of his "accidents" (that he was having on purpose) and he has stopped asking me for "treats" every time he goes to the potty.

[ssh]

Just telling my DD that we couldn't go until she was buckled in and then waiting her out worked really well for us. The phase didn't last very long at all. I always have a drink and snack for the ride back home. Usually that was enough incentive to get in and buckle up, but when it wasn't I just waited. If she didn't get in her car seat and let me buckle her in and we were going somewhere, we just didn't go. We went back in the house. My DD is 3 now and we don't have any problems getting in the car seat. She does like to push the parts that go over her chest together. She also seems a lot more comfortable in her nautilus than she did the old car seat.

[Meems]

howabout a timer? that works great with DD when she's remotely uncooperative about something. i went through this phase w/ DD recently and found that it was coming home from a friends house nearly every day @5pm. that seems to be her tipping point. for a while (3 weeks or so) we stopped visiting w/ them in the late afternoon at their house. we would meet at the park or wherever to hang out. now if we are there, i give reminders of time to leave and do the timer if she is engrossed in something.

[BCFD]

I'm going through this right now. DD3 freaks out if she doesn't get to sit in the very back of the mini van (we have 4 car seats installed - 3 in the back, 1 behind the driver seat). Sometimes if it's just her and I, it's easier to put her in the seat behind me so when we are running errands we can do it quickly. Sometimes she gets her way, but when she doesn't and does "the starfish" or the "red faced hip thrust sometimes with a scream sometimes without" I simply say to her, "It's easier for Mommy to get you out of this seat" and wait for her to calm down (I've perfected the Mommy stare with a raised eyebrow) : or just distract her with a graham cracker or favorite toy all the while talking to her and buckling like a mad woman! DD2 also learned how to unbuckle herself while we were driving and after a couple of freak outs, trying to turn the buckle in so she couldn't press the button (darn Britax won't let you do this! Grrr...), putting the hard part of velcro on the button, and even trying to devise some sort of crazy contraption so she couldn't press the button (McGyver style!) I finally explained to her that if the police saw her out of her seat while we were driving, Mommy would be pulled over and given a ticket. Then I explained that if Mommy had to use her money to pay for a ticket that we may not be able to buy other things that we want (read toys). This went on for about 2 months and luckily my oldest would tell on her sister every time (I don't like the tattling, but it is acceptable if somebody is in danger). I'd pull over, fix the seat and explain it again. Luckily, that didn't last long.

Good luck!! I know it's frustrating, but my advice is just to use distraction and move quickly!

ETA: I re-read your post and was thinking that a lot of the times, I simply pick dd up and "fly" her into the car. She's too busy laughing to notice. Or as we are approaching the car I start to use heavy "oh my, look at that BIRD!" or "Look at that blue car!" or "Oh, say the magic word to open the door" (we have auto sliding doors on our mini van). Again, the distraction works and if I move fast can usually just pick her up, plop her in the seat, get her the food or toy, and we're good.

[snoopy5386]

thanks for the ideas everyone - sometimes you just need a fresh perspective. I will try distraction and snacks, I like the flying into the carseat game. It works best when I just pick her up and put her in, I can have her buckled before she knows what is going on. But sometimes she wants to climb into her seat or sometimes I have to load the trunk and it is just easier to throw her in the car and buckle her later - only lately it hasn't been. I thought we were done with this phase!

The "fun" thing at home doesn't seem to work - yesterday she was really thirsty and I didn't have her sippy, it was at home - I told her several times that if she let me buckle her we could go home and get her sippy faster, the longer she waited the longer until she got her drink, she could care less.

The ignoring thing was all I could think of to avoid yelling at her or forcing her into her seat to be buckled, since we didn't HAVE to be anywhere right then I really wanted to avoid that.

I don't want to do the now or 5 mins thing with this issue because well, there are many times when I don't have 5 mins to wait, we just need to get buckled now! But I will try to leave extra time for the struggle while we are going through this phase.

[DahliaRW]

I always had better luck getting my kids in their seats when they could "help" buckle or buckle themselves. Maybe offering to help her to learn to buckle herself (and then once she can letting her do it) might be interesting enough to help.

[snoopy5386]

Originally Posted by DahliaRW

I always had better luck getting my kids in their seats when they could "help" buckle or buckle themselves. Maybe offering to help her to learn to buckle herself (and then once she can letting her do it) might be interesting enough to help.

She can do the top buckle, not the bottom one yet, but either way I have tried this and she doesn't care.

[mbhf]

Originally Posted by phathui5

With my kids, I'll just say something like, "It's time to go now. You can buckle yourself or I can buckle you, but you do have to buckle now."

Me too. For us, the car is not a place to play. I think you are making it harder for both of you by letting her sit and play for 10-15 minutes unless you are willing to do it every single time you get in the car.

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by mbhf

Me too. For us, the car is not a place to play. I think you are making it harder for both of you by letting her sit and play for 10-15 minutes unless you are willing to do it every single time you get in the car.

This is great advice! I never really looked at it from this perspective. Maybe just a "we do not play in the car" and help her to sit down while repeating it might help? I can see where letting her play in the car and waiting for her might send the wrong signal.

[Climbergirl]

I have no ideas but I am definitely getting some great ideas. Sometimes my son does this and it drives me batty!

[mumkimum]

We often "need to" bring one of dd's purses or "babies" with us when we go out. This means that when she's getting buckled in we have the whole: "Ok, now you need to put your purse next to you . . ok, you can hold it, I need you to switch hands to put one arm in the buckle. . . now switch hands again. . . there we go, now we buckle . . . etc". While it sometimes takes time to get her doing it - it does mean that she has something to do while I am buckling her in, and that can help the whole demeanor of being in the car seat in the first place. Dunno if working anything like that in might help you out?

[Daphneduck]

Originally Posted by mumkimum

We often "need to" bring one of dd's purses or "babies" with us when we go out. This means that when she's getting buckled in we have the whole: "Ok, now you need to put your purse next to you . . ok, you can hold it, I need you to switch hands to put one arm in the buckle. . . now switch hands again. . . there we go, now we buckle . . . etc". While it sometimes takes time to get her doing it - it does mean that she has something to do while I am buckling her in, and that can help the whole demeanor of being in the car seat in the first place. Dunno if working anything like that in might help you out?

This helps us, too. We also keep "special" books in the car that DD can only look at once she is strapped into her carseat.

[Eman'smom]

Originally Posted by phathui5

With my kids, I'll just say something like, "It's time to go now. You can buckle yourself or I can buckle you, but you do have to buckle now."

This is exactly what we do too They have a choice (who buckles in) but the buckling in is happening.

[super mamabug]

We have things we call "safety rules". Safety rules are those that cannot be argued, played with out delayed. They include holding hands in the street, being buckled in when riding in a cart, and seatbelts.
I just say, "on your bottom"
"sit please"
"ok it's time to go, I'm going to count to 3 and then either I'm going to put your seatbelt on or you are."
Then I follow through.
I use count to three to give them time to decide, but remind them that there is a limit.
Safety rules are not the place to exercise independence. I provide plenty of opportunity for that, but some things are not negotiable.

[Shannie77]

Originally Posted by super mamabug

We have things we call "safety rules". Safety rules are those that cannot be argued, played with out delayed. They include holding hands in the street, being buckled in when riding in a cart, and seatbelts.
I just say, "on your bottom"
"sit please"
"ok it's time to go, I'm going to count to 3 and then either I'm going to put your seatbelt on or you are."
Then I follow through.
I use count to three to give them time to decide, but remind them that there is a limit.
Safety rules are not the place to exercise independence. I provide plenty of opportunity for that, but some things are not negotiable.

This is exactly what I do... in fact I say pretty must those exact words.

I always follow through after counting to 3 and after 2 or 3 times now she will pretty much always sit by count 1 or 2, and most of the time I don't need to count - sometimes I just have to offer her a doll or toy. It has made getting into the car so much easier and pleasurable for both of us I think.