Also posted in Preteens - Previously well behaved 12.y.o....

[Ramona Pussycat]

Hi, Everyone.
As a brief introduction I am a Mum of two boys (12 and 9), I live in the Midlands of England. Both myself and my Husband work full time and have never really had any issues when it comes it parenting before. The boys, G and S, are exceptional kids. Sunny, polite, well behaved, bright, thoughtful (as they can be) and have always made their Father and I very proud. In return they get a life of praise and priviledge, plenty of treats and days out, holidays, modern technology, all that we always make it clear that you are getting *this* because you have done *that*.

Today, after DH and I had popped out into town I got a message on my mobile from DS1's school. It appears yesterday he got it into his head that it's ok to chase a teacher down a corridor and spit balls of tissue through a straw in the teachers face. (Even typing it seems incredibly alien). The school has decided to put him on a two-day "cool off" from tomorrow where he is basically not wanted at school. I am absolutely flabbergasted, disturbed, shamed, puzzled and furious all at the same time. Now, I called the school back and the deputy head of his house has asked me to continue his punishment at home, which I am more than willing to do and has said that G has admitted what he's done and has unreservedly apologised and written a statement to that effect. (Sorry if this isnt making too much sense, my mind is all over the place). I can't believe my boy would do this. I just can't. My first reaction is to lose it at him and I've told my husband so. My Husband has agreed that a scare, Mum losing her temper may be what I need to do to make sure this never happens again. (DH had to go to work at lunchtime but will be calling when DS gets back) My children have never been smacked, are rarely scolded (because they are never "naughty") and I have never had to do the thing my father did to me at that age which was to basically sit me down and give me the hairdryer treatment until I couldnt breathe for sobbing.

I don't know f I really want any advice, I just want to know that it's ok for me to grow a pair and give him both barrels that this is entirely unacceptable behaviour and will never, ever be tolerated in this house.

I intend to take away his iPod and internet access, Xbox and he will no longer be allowed a planned day off school to a theme park that I had cleared for him while his Dad is away in France next month.

Is this too much? Can anyone help?

[Violet2]

I am not an expert but I have several much younger brothers and my experience has been that puberty sparks some weird behavior. Poor impulse control. Inability to extrapolate ramifications of behavior. Really stupid and dangerous things sound like good ideas etc... There's a good reason why MTV's Jacka** show was popular with teens.

I am not completely sure how you should handle it BUT remember this is ONE incident in a long line of acceptable behavior. You are doing something right so take a step back and really think about what you want to achieve here and how you can do it.

'Losing it' might work and I agree with taking away some treasured privileges, but I would explore other solutions that help your kids identify and predict outcomes of their behavior so they have a stronger internal check.

Don't act out of anger and outrage, act out of the sincere desire to teach your son as I think that will give you the most bang for your buck.

Good luck momma. And keep in mind, in ten years all of you will be chuckling and shaking your heads at the follies of youth.

We didn't laugh back when my brother destroyed grandpa's radiator with a BB gun, but now we do.

V

[mama_mojo]

I do not have kids this age; my oldest is only nine.

So, with that disclaimer, here's what I think. I think he needs immediate forgiveness. I think I would wait for at least 24 hours to implement any more consequences beyond being housebound. Maybe, eliminating the media during that time to encourage more talking and interaction (kind of like a time in), which would also mean eliminating your media time so your attention was also extremely available. However, I would try very hard to explain that he wasn't losing the media, that you just wanted the house to be extra peaceful while you reflect on the best course of action and that you want to be available to him during this time.

That's it. I have no idea what will happen in 24 hours, but I think everyone could probably use a cooling off period.

[Ramona Pussycat]

Thanks.

He's due home in about 20 minutes. I'm still lost for words. I'm also worried for his little brother, who absolutely idolises him. Part of me thinks if S sees that G is being punished for what is entirely unacceptable behaviour it will scare him into thinking twice when he gets to that age, but we all know that parenting isnt that easy (and puberty isnt that easy).

In a way I'm kind of thinking it serves me right for being so smug about them. I've never had any worries taking them anywhere and now I've lost trust and faith in him and that's very, very sad.

I called my sister who has a daughter the same age and she was equally horrified that he would do such a thing. I cant bring myself to tell his grandparents and great-grandparents who also think he is the best thing since sliced bread.

Mamas, I'm in unchartered territory here. Wish me luck.

[mysticmomma]

I wouldn't tell the rest of the family about this.

[Ramona Pussycat]

I'm going to have to. Both DH and I are working on Monday and although DS is ok for very short periods alone I couldnt leave him all day. He will need to go to his great-grandparents to be looked after.

[mysticmomma]

This is going to lead to embarassment and resentment. One isolated incident does not mean he cannot be trusted. Even if he is going to go to his great-grandparents they don't need to know the details of this incident. They can just simply have a visit.

[mysticmomma]

And you still haven't heard HIS version!

[weliveintheforest]

It sounds like he already knows tha twhat he did was wrong. He apologized and even wrote a statement.
I would let him know I didn't like what he did, but there is no reason to lose it on him. He will need support to work through it all, and to take it seriously.

I agree with taking away his Xbox etc while he is off school, but I really don't think this is the worst thing a kid could do. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of what caused the incident and it doesn't happen again.

[Momily]

Originally Posted by Ramona Pussycat

Thanks.

He's due home in about 20 minutes. I'm still lost for words. I'm also worried for his little brother, who absolutely idolises him. Part of me thinks if S sees that G is being punished for what is entirely unacceptable behaviour it will scare him into thinking twice when he gets to that age, but we all know that parenting isnt that easy (and puberty isnt that easy). .

I already replied on the other post, but I just wanted to say that as a parent, I have learned that it's really OK (and frankly good modeling) to say.

Son, I am at a loss for words right now. Your behavior was so surprising to me that I need some time to think. Please go to your room and we'll talk about this after dinner.

Good luck!

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

And you still haven't heard HIS version!

Could there really be a good reason for chasing a teacher down the hall while shooting spitballs at her face?

OP I thing Momily gave you some good advice, tell him you are at a loss for words and that you will discuss it with him later after you have had a chance to clear your head a bit.

[Climbergirl]

I have an 18 month old, so I can only go from my experience as a child.

My parents never listened to my side. They never asked what was going on or why I did something.

I would ask what happened and why he did that. Maybe it was a dare? Maybe it was something he saw on tv? If you punish for the action without asking what really happened, you lose an opportunity to really get to the heart of the issue and be able to deal with that.

Then I would ask what he thought an appropriate response from you should be. Then you can discuss from there what actions need to be taken. This would be almost a negotiation. I think that would teach him so much more than just revoking things. And be in a good place when you talk. My mother has said some awful things to me that even in my 30s, I can remember to this day.

I would love to hear how this turned out!

[mysticmomma]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton

Could there really be a good reason for chasing a teacher down the hall while shooting spitballs at her face?

OP I thing Momily gave you some good advice, tell him you are at a loss for words and that you will discuss it with him later after you have had a chance to clear your head a bit.

No, but perhaps they were playing a game of tag, or she insulted him, or something else happened that triggered his inappropriate behavior. At least then you would have a jumping off point for how to deal with similar situations. Clearly his response was unacceptable, but we don't know a LOT about this situation.

[mysticmomma]

Climbergirl said it MUCH better than I could!

[heartmama]

I also have a 12 year old boy.

I realize that you are upset and I understand. If your children never did anything that upset you that wouldn't be normal. They are human and will make mistakes.

The first thing to realize is that he already knows this was a mistake. He apologized and must feel a lot of guilt right now. If he has always behaved well he must have a good sense of self control and self discipline. A boy like that will feel very badly after such an incident, even if he won't easily admit it.

However, it is *EXTREMELY* important that your first response is to calm down before you talk to him. Above all, you need to listen to him. He must know that although you are upset over what happened, your relationship with him is not at risk. You must invite him to talk to you about what happened. I promise you--the more honest he feels he can be, the more he can feel safe admitting his mistake to you, the more genuine his feelings of grief will be--and it is the expression of genuine regret that truly helps us change future behavior.

You can never make a person feel worse than they can make themselves feel over their own mistakes. If you explode and dump your emotions onto him he will only feel ashamed and resentful and insecure. It will become an issue between the two of *you*, and that is *not* what needs to happen.

You need to listen to him calmly as he tells you what happened today. Surely something unusual occurred--nothing like this *ever* happens in a vacuum. There were other factors--find out what they were so you can help him make better choices in the future. Perhaps another boy dared him, or perhaps he saw this on tv, or perhaps the teacher was joking around with the class and he got carried away with the silly spirit of the day.

Whatever it was, you need to help him figure it out. Then he needs help considering better ways to respond in the future.

The school has already punished him, and he will be housebound for two days. If he were my son I wouldn't invent another punishment--I would ask him to tell me what should be done to make things right. You might be surprised by what he says. I know an apology to the teacher would be in order--but that has already been done in this case.

I think it is a big mistake to advertise his error to friends or family. How would that make you feel, if you were reprimanded at work, and your husband told everyone in the family? You would be ashamed and angry and resentful. Continue to treat your son with respect. If he wants to discuss this with the family it is his decision.

[Ramona Pussycat]

You know, when it came to it that was exactly what I did. It seemed the only right thing to do. Turns out that he, his friends and the teacher were messing about and he took it too far when being egged on by some of the "tougher" boys. He knows he took it too far.

He is absolutely beside himself. My poor boy. He's been told it will go on his permanent record, he has made written apologies and understood when I told him his internet and other stuff was being taken away for the duration of his punishment from school. He said he would make it up to me, do chores around the house, help me out but I told him that wasnt necessary and if I need him to do things for me I will ask, same as I do already. His biggest fear is what the grandparents will think. We are part of an incredibly close 4 generation family. Care of the families children is shared between all of us, Aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents (I'm very lucky that I still have both sets of grandparents even though I am in my mid-thirties) as we all live within 5 miles of each other. I have called and told them (while he was out of earshot in his room - I sent him there to rest as he was so upset) and they have all had the same response. Shock, disappointment and confusion.

He is very, very sorry for what he's done and understands he will now have to face the consequences, including the fact that his teachers have now got his number and they will be keeping a very close eye on him.

[ssh]

It sounds like you're handling the situation very well. Since he is so upset and sorry, I think it's important for him to feel supported and loved by his family. A "I know this was awful, but it isn't like you and I know it won't happen again" response by his extended family would help him work through the shame and guilt it sounds like he is already feeling. A strong negative reaction by his grandparents could make things work and cause more behavior problems. Preteens and young teens are fragile emotionally. YOu want to help him work through this mistake not let it change who he thinks he is as a person.

I have a 3 year old and a 23 year old. My older DD had depression issues from age 10 till 18. I had no idea how to deal effectively with it then. I just know how important self image is and how fragile they are.

[Ramona Pussycat]

Originally Posted by ssh

It sounds like you're handling the situation very well. Since he is so upset and sorry, I think it's important for him to feel supported and loved by his family. A "I know this was awful, but it isn't like you and I know it won't happen again" response by his extended family would help him work through the shame and guilt it sounds like he is already feeling. A strong negative reaction by his grandparents could make things work and cause more behavior problems. Preteens and young teens are fragile emotionally.

The extended family have been told that it will be myself and his father that will be dealing with the punishment and they are in agreement. Doesnt stop them being baffled by his actions, of course but it's not their place to decide what the consequences are..

[heartmama]

Turns out that he, his friends and the teacher were messing about and he took it too far when being egged on by some of the "tougher" boys. He knows he took it too far.

Considering the teaching was riling up a group of 12 year old boys I hardly think it's 'shocking' that a 12 year old would run after the teaching shooting spitballs.

And for what it's worth considering all you said about your son being well behaved, I had a very strong suspicion the teacher involved had unwittingly encouraged your son to think he could be silly and act up.

I am honestly confused by the "shock and disappointment" you say the family feels. Well, I understand a little bit--your son carried something to far and was suspended, which is naturally upsetting.

But I also have a well behaved 12 year old boy and while I would talk to him privately about the need to behave like an adult even when adults aren't behaving--I would be quite irritated that a teacher took the liberty to joke and carry on with a group of kids and then pulled rank and cried foul when a boy responded like, well, a 12 year old kid! I am giving a lot of weight to what you say about your son--he has never once done anything like this. Somehow I could not picture him chasing down a prim and proper little old grey haired teacher who never cracked so much as a smile, let alone a joke, with her students. I did suspect right away the teacher was involved.

[Ramona Pussycat]

It's definitely not some prim and proper grey haired old teacher. Turns out the teacher is a trainee teacher, who helps out in their English classes.

My Husband and I are in agreement that the punishment from the school is harsh, maybe too harsh, but we, as adults and parents have to be shown to accept the punishment and support it. I'm not intending on making any sort of complaint or causing a fuss. We are going to sit this one out, put it behind us and learn from it. And when I say "we" I mean not only my son but also myself as a mother of a teen.