Quote:
Personally I think your son has its right.
If you want it cleaned up - YOU clean it up.
Its all well and good for us who can simply ask our children to help with the tidy up or whos children accept more fun ways to tidy up - but what about the child who simply does not want to do it? What can one do without resorting to rewards/punishments?
Children, even at an older age can still learn by our modeling the behaviour.
Lets do some self talk...
You ask your child to do something for you: Clean up/tidy up
Your child does not want to: But it needs doing. If it doesnt get done who is going to do it? Who really wants this done? Is the world coming to an end without it getting done? Is it important for my child to learn how to be tidy? Do they have to help me? What if they don't want to? How can we work on this together? Am I being realistic? Are my standards too high? But if I don't make him clean up is he taking advantage of me? But if he doesn't help me then I will be the only one cleaning all day long... etc etc...
Now let all of that go and get real: I want it cleaned up. I clean it up.
Try it for a month. Next time you want something cleaned up. Do it. Don't procrastinate. Don't try and rope someone else in to do what you want done. Just do it. I personally think we give our children some very funny messages when everytime we want something done, we do it. If we are asking for their help, and they don't want to help - its their right, their choice. We asked (we didn't demand/tell/reward/punish). You don't want to clean up all day - don't! Will your son never clean up because of this and will he always take advantage of you because you do everything for him - no (and mostly because you are not doing everything for him - you want it done so you are doing it!) - But I am pretty sure that over time, your son will learn to respect you more (because you are respecting who he is and his wishes - and because you do what you set out to do!) and will eventually appreciate the process and time you put in to do what you do (in this case, tidy up) and will empathise with you and because he loves you uncondtionally - will eventually help you too. And then one day, you might be able to respectfully say 'Can you help me tidy these toys away - it will sure go much quicker with two sets of hands instead of one! ' - he he will jump right in to help you!...and before you know it, youll have a teenager whom you don't have to ask for help - they just do it because they want it done because if they have learned anything from you, its motivation and uncondtional love.
I mean, what you are really asking is 'How can I get my son to do what he really doesn't want to do that I what done'... We have to ask ourselves the right questions otherwise we are just going to make this whole 'parenting' thing harder than it really needs to be.
So you see...it really is that simple lol
If you want something cleaned up - do it! (and I have the tidiest 3.5 year old to prove that this works )
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Goodness, ann_of_loxley! I've got to tell you - I'm not even a mom (yet), and I'm having a really, REALLY difficult time with this. Maybe I'm just misperceiving what you're trying to get across.
See, to me it's exactly like being in a partnership - with a spouse, say - and then arguing that nobody should advocate for appropriate distribution of responsibilities amongst
members of partnership. I've actually read some nasty books (written by women, by the way) that say if a woman wants a conflict resolved, for example, that she should expect to make the compromise EVERY TIME. The book argues that "badgering" your spouse to be more involved will inevitably result in more upset than it's worth. I say phooey! What about negotiation? H-ll, what about the COMMON GOAL? I would get very upset if I was on a team with someone who wanted ME to do all the running. That's not how families work, and I dislike the feeling that contributions are still being made to that genre of thinking.
I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that the OP's question is not really about wanting the house to be clean. It's wanting her son not to protest so strongly against sharing in the community. To help her, I think it's important for me to point out that it's okay for her to want him to participate in the community, but maybe the problem is that he hasn't yet understood what the community
is. In this case, I would suggest that she just make "community" a running theme in her household.
As beautiful and wonderful and important as AP and its surrounding ideals all are, they sometimes get stuck in this mushy glob along with presenting this place of superiority for the child, and inferiority for the parent. This simple hierarchy table-turn, in my opinion, often implies that equality is not the answer - and I think it is.
A family is a community, and a community has common goals. The most prominent, albeit vague, common goal of a family is for the long-term welfare of its members. Mess and clutter have a way of growing, which (depending upon tolerance levels and lifestyle choices) certainly
can negatively affect this all-important community goal in a number of ways, not the least of which is to overstress Mamas, who, as I'm sure you've noticed, have a way of being neck-deep in tasks that they didn't necessarily delegate to themselves as it is. Over stressed Mamas just aren't fueled for the tasks at hand the way relaxed Mamas are. As a generality, they aren't as well-slept, They aren't as well-groomed, and they aren't as well-fed. Over stressed Mamas are, well, over stressed. What is with the unfortunate
acceptance of this trend? A SuperMama is not always the
best Mama.
As children get older, they begin to empathize with the other members community/communities they belong to. They are able to handle a greater number of age-appropriate tasks as they grow. Most importantly, they become more capable of understanding the common goal and negotiating towards a consensus on ways to achieve it.
Children are smart, empathetic human beings! Unless you're straight out of the Victorian Era, I'm guessing you'd wouldn't expect your (hypothetical) hubby to tear the house apart and then sit on his bottom all day, every day while you bring him drinks. You wouldn't expect to put him to bed, sing him a lullabye, and then trot over to the living room that you all share and
clean his mess, would you? Hopefully, no. Hopefully, you'd whip out those "I-Statements" and negotiate towards a better, more even-keeled solution, so that you could sing those lullabyes more soothingly. Is this because you don't love him? No. Is this because you expect too much of him? No. This is because you are
equal to him, and you share a common goal.
Of course, children have emotional needs that are different from a grown man's. There are also, evidently, some differences in physical abilities and stamina that need to be taken into account. And, of course, children should not be
punished into participating in the community. They should not be
coaxed,
bribed, or
blackmailed into participating in the community. They should be loved and treated fairly within a community-oriented environment so as to come to understand what the community is, who it consists of, what it offers them, and how to make a positive contribution to it. This will only come with teaching. In my opinion, cleaning up a child's mess won't necessarily teach them anything, though it might give them an inaccurate lesson in the evaporation of hard solids... or faeries. Take heart, Mama. Don't feel guilty. This is not about what YOU WANT. It's about what the COMMUNITY NEEDS. The community needs a relatively safe, clean home, open space and a HAPPIER MOTHER /father/care provider.
For the OP and other interested readers, The only thing I can say in terms of a practical solution is this: TALK to your children! Be honest with them. Talk about why teamwork is so important. Talk to them about why mommy can't do everything. Tell them that the family needs a clean house to play in. That a clean house keeps everyone healthy and allergy free. That it is inviting to visitors. Not everything always need to get done right now, but everything does always need to get done by someone sometime, and it doesn't always have to be the Mama. Let them watch you clean, and ask them if they want to push the mop, too. If you act like cleaning is a yucky chore, they'll agree. Tell them why you do it. If you have a partner, let the children see co (him/her) complete a number of tasks as equal to your number as possible. Make it a big "wash the floors" day or "dust bunny busters" day and get the family involved (perhaps with music and the whole shebang). Talk out loud, especially when a child's participation is not required, about working towards the community goal.
A number one favorite "holiday" of mine was the Annual Spring Cleaning. We all talked about it the day before and planned what we were going to do. We took it very seriously because my parents got us really excited about how great the house would look afterward. We had so much fun! We danced and swept and mopped TOGETHER. On a smaller scale, this kind of mentality could be done every weekend, or even every night.
Do not apply pressure. Do not tempt them with the proverbial carrot. Blind help can be worse than no help at all. But you
can make them see why they want to participate.
Ever notice that, unless something is very wrong with the hitter, when a child begins to understand that hitting someone really does, um, hurt, they tend to stop doing it so much?
*steps quietly down from the soapbox.*
) is only having an amount of toys I am willing to clean completely by myself at the end of a bad day. There are no games in the kids' rooms. They each have two dolls, two changes of doll clothes, two trucks/cars, ONE basket of blocks to share, and a small bin of dollhouse things to share. That's it. I decided a nice mother was more important than a variety of toys.
What works for us is everything has a place and over time my 4 y.o. and 3 y.o. totally have figured this out. What helps me keep my sanity is that I know everything belongs *IN* something, so if I have to whip through there and help, it helps to know that everything can be thrown into a certain bin or basket.
My 4 year old hardly ever needs to be reminded. She picks up her stuff and returns it to its place about 90% of the time. Honestly, it kinda blows my mind a little bit. My 3 year old isn't quite there yet. I also have a 2 year old that I refer to as "the destroyer of nations" because she can tear the entire house apart in about 5 minutes flat. 
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' - he he will jump right in to help you!...and before you know it, youll have a teenager whom you don't have to ask for help - they just do it because they want it done because if they have learned anything from you, its motivation and uncondtional love.
)
