Please help me w/ my almost 5yr. old emotions/behavior!

[sarahmae1]

My middle DS will be 5 in April, and to be honest, he's pretty out of control. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I need major help.

Multiple times per day he completely melts down. He also has several anger outburts every day. Every day he wants his older brother to play with him. If he says No, or won't play with him constantly, he gets extremely upset. If he is told no by myself or his father, he also gets very upset. He can be a very sweet and loving boy, but he just completely LOSES it! He gets visibly angry, clenches his fists, and completely wails on his older brother or smacks his little brother. Normally, he's a very good big brother to the baby but if the baby turns off the computer while he is playing or something like that he gets very angry. He screams, yells, hits, kicks, etc. He has complete breakdowns where he is crying uncontrollably and to me, it really seems like he can't stop. He tells me he can't stop. The only things that sometimes helps him to calm down are really tight hugs and a drink of water.


However, at school he is quiet, follows directions, gets along, listens to the teacher, etc. I just don't get it. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm failing as a mother, and dh and I don't really agree w/ how to handle this. Something is going on w/ him and I want to help him, but I don't know how.

[almama]

First, take a deep breath. You are a great mom because you are looking for ways to help your son. Everyone has struggles and some are just tougher than others.

It could be a million things going on with your son. What does your gut tell you?

Here's a quick run down of things we have or do currently try:

1. Keeping ourselves calm and balanced. It is hard with kids that rage, but very important. If you and your DH are on different pages, seek counseling so that you work as a team. These kids really need consistency.

2. Look at nutrition.

3. Look into sensory overloading.

4. Look into gifted/ overexcitabilities.

5. Teaching our child how to act appropriately in a positive way, and building up his self-esteem. We also have a great in public kid, and it baffled us for a long time. We just need to keep going back to square one when needed. I found some great books that use Cognitive Behaviorial techniques (http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-...8122556&sr=8-1). Your son may be a little young, but it might be good for you to read them.

6. Read the Explosive Child.

7. Keep giving outlets for connections and one on one times - without discussing "issues."

I hope these ideas help get you started looking in a new direction. They may not fit your circumstance, but you may find something in them that helps.

[LynnS6]

I wonder if it's the age? In other words, that the 'thing' that's going on is developmental? (I've got a post in "Parenting" about our dd, who will be 5 in May.)

But remove the younger sibling and the hitting (though she does that, but not frequently), and you could be describing dd.

Today we had the Great Hotdog Bun meltdown at lunchtime. Dd asked for a hot dog for lunch. We had one bun left and so dh fixed one for her. Alas, her bun was 'broken' in that the 2 halves came apart. She completely lost it. Melted down entirely. Screamed. Raged. Demanded a new bun. Insisted that she could NOT eat her hot dog with that bun. Threw things. (Got taken upstairs for a few minutes after throwing things.) After she came down, I offered a hug. She sobbed for a few more minutes, whimpered for a few more, and announced again that she couldn't eat her hot dog. I explained that she didn't have to eat her hot dog like a 'V', she could hold it like a sandwich and eat it that way. "Really?" She agreed to try, and life was good again.

We have 2-3 meltdowns like this a day some days. It's really draining.

I'm still looking for the 'magic' bullet to fix this. Things that do help (sometimes, but not all the time):

One on one time with mom where she directs the play. (Dad's nice, but he doesn't fill that need.)

Enough exercise, especially large motor and weight bearing exercise (swimming is great).

Making sure she's fed - she doesn't have great internal cues to tell her when she's hungry, so she can go from not hungry to needing to eat NOW really fast. She needs food with protein especially.

Reducing sensory stimulation (both my kids are pretty sensitive to overstimulation)

Playful Parenting kinds of things - though that's more for whining than anger.

We do time outs for hitting. My philosophy is that if you're out of control enough that you're hitting, you need to be by yourself for a few minutes so you're not a danger to anyone. So, anyone who hits in our house is immediately sent to their room. We connect afterward, but that cooling off period is crucial (mostly for me so I can see straight).

[Lilasmom]

Oh my, maybe this could be a little support group for almost 5 year olds who completely lose it every day. My daughter (also 5 in May) has this kind of tantrum/meltdown (also for broken hotdog bun type reasons -- ie completely irrational to me), and sometimes numerous times a day. It is the most exhausting thing and I'm trying to narrow down the hows and whys, but it has been happening so much for so long that sometimes I just don't want to be around her, which breaks my heart.

The only thing I've noticed that helps is when she gets much more one-on-one time with me -- then she seems to be calmer and more composed. But then, if something goes wrong when we're back with her sibs, she'll erupt. It's so unpredictable, which just makes it hard not to throw up my hands in despair. When my daughter loses it, she walks around the house knocking things over and slamming doors repeatedly. She refuses to stay in her room as a cooling off period, and the times I've held her door closed she'll throw things against it. Reading my own post, I feel like I'm making her sound like a monster, and she's really delightful most of the time -- incredibly bright and curious, imaginative, usually kind to her younger brother, has good friends she loves to play with. It's these meltdowns... Only 30-60 min a day, but boy are they a downer.

She, too, exhibits exemplary behavior at school. I think sometimes that she works so hard to be really good at school that it should be OK that she knows it's safe to let loose a little at home. Just wish it was easier on the rest of us.

[ramama]

Originally Posted by sarahmae1

My middle DS will be 5 in April, and to be honest, he's pretty out of control. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I need major help.

Multiple times per day he completely melts down. He also has several anger outburts every day. Every day he wants his older brother to play with him. If he says No, or won't play with him constantly, he gets extremely upset. If he is told no by myself or his father, he also gets very upset. He can be a very sweet and loving boy, but he just completely LOSES it! He gets visibly angry, clenches his fists, and completely wails on his older brother or smacks his little brother. Normally, he's a very good big brother to the baby but if the baby turns off the computer while he is playing or something like that he gets very angry. He screams, yells, hits, kicks, etc. He has complete breakdowns where he is crying uncontrollably and to me, it really seems like he can't stop. He tells me he can't stop. The only things that sometimes helps him to calm down are really tight hugs and a drink of water.


However, at school he is quiet, follows directions, gets along, listens to the teacher, etc. I just don't get it. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm failing as a mother, and dh and I don't really agree w/ how to handle this. Something is going on w/ him and I want to help him, but I don't know how.

I could have written this post about my DD1! I mean, exactly. I am also at a loss. Not trying to hijack the thread, so I'm going to be watching closely what advice you get!

[Lilasmom]

P.S. LynnS6, could you tell us the title of your post in "parenting" so we can read the thread there? Thanks.

[fritz]

I'd recommend reading Playful Parenting, which I'm in the middle of myself. It's mostly about really connecting/communicating with your kids through play--joining them in their world. There's also some really interesting power dynamics going on during play that can help kids work through various issues they're facing in the real world.

It's very common for kids who hold it together perfectly at school/away from home to totally lose it once their back in their safe zone at home w/ Mom and Dad. They know you'll still love them no matter what they do, and they have so much emotional backlog stored up from their day that they just have to purge somehow. It's not really the trigger that's the big deal, it's just an excuse to get all that excess emotion out.

You could try playing more games with your son that require him to exert more self control so he can practice stopping himself. Simon Says or Red Light, Green Light come to mind. Be sure to also let him be in charge if he wants to, so you have to do what he says.

Good luck!

[sarahmae1]

Update

Thank you for your responses. I've tried to reply to this three times now, but the kids keep interrupting. Anyway, I had a conference w/ my DS' teacher and speech therapist last week and was able to get some ideas to help. I really think that he has sensory issues and they were able to confirm this for me.

So we are working on acting out appropriate ways to handle his anger, and give him the sensory stimulation that he needs. They said to play Little People with him and act out a situation that would make him angry IRL and then show him w/ the LP how to handle it. Then work up to having him act that out w/ another person at a time when he's not upset. They also said to be sure and have a spot that is his where he can go to 'cool off' and 'take a break'. Then, to give him picture options of what he can do to get his anger out such as: Squeeze a stress ball or play dough, jump on his mini-trampoline, scribble a picture, scream into or hit a pillow, etc. This seems to be working, along with providing him plenty of gentle but firm pressure (like a back rub and tight hugs) throughout the day.