We're coming out. Maybe. - Page 3

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

If lack of deception is the goal - then I find saying "he is really good at reading" as deceiving as "he is really bright".

Yes, he is bright (partial picture) - but the truth is he is gifted (full picture)

Yes he is good at reading (partial picture) but what is left unsaid is that the reason he reads so easily and at such a young age is giftedness (full picture)

Personally, I do not have any issues with saying bright or "good at xyz" but complete honestly is not my goal. Avoiding a scene sometimes is, lol.

Sometimes, a partial picture is definately enough. For example: When asked why I want to take a nap in the middle of the day I could say "I'm not feeling well." I don't think that it's necessarily more honest to say, "I've got my period and the cramps and headache are wiping me out, not to mention the fact that I want to strangle everyone who seems to be in a good mood." I don't think it's less honest even to say, "I've got my period," though the answer would seem inappropriate-- it doesn't necessarily follow from "I have my period" that I'd want to take a nap in the middle of the day, does it? I mean it *could*, it's a logical response, but it's far from the most appropriate.

So: The librarian says, "That book is probably too hard for you," and the child says, "I've read lots of books in this series," or "It looks interesting, I'd like to try it," or "I really like reading." None of those answers are incorrect, nor are they dishonest. Saying, "Well, I'm highly gifted" is not a more honest answer-- after all, lots of highly gifted three year olds don't read at all. It doesn't give the most appropriate or necessary information, and is therefore a *less* honest answer than "I really like reading" or a parent's interjection of, "I think that she'll be able to read that book without difficulty."

I guess that's part of the problem here, too. "I'm gifted" doesn't really answer a lot of questions. It doesn't mean that classes are always easy and it doesn't mean that books are always appropriate (even if the kid can read them). Outside of the context of educational placement, it probably doesn't mean all that much, and a meaningless answer is as dishonest as an outright lie in my opinion.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by no5no5

Perhaps if someone asks her what she is learning in school, and is surprised at her response, she might choose to say that she is taking gifted classes, or that she has started college early because she is gifted. If someone says something to her like, "You are too young to read that book," or "That class is too advanced for you," I would like her to be able to respond appropriately, perhaps revealing that she is gifted as part of her response. I would like her to feel comfortable discussing it with both her gifted and non-gifted friends if she so desires. Of course, it is probable that nothing I can do will make her feel completely comfortable.

I don't that comfort comes from the "g" word.

One thing I think you can do is to not assume there will be conflict or that people will be jealous, frustrated or not understanding. Our experience has been if we are low key and allow other people to draw their own conclusions it generally works out well. The big ooo ahh attention part of it is a blip that tends to be less of an issue as kids get older. If you are comfortable with her being the person she is it'll be just fine.

And, for what it is worth as a parent of a kid who is in early college, I would find it to be very odd for him to say to people "I'm in early college because I'm gifted." To me that seems like a kid taking a class in how to knit mittens and explaining to everyone in the class "I am making two because I have two hands." I would not suggest they conceal that information, but rather it is pretty obvious to all involved they've got two hands so no need to gas on about it.

The other thing I'd consider is if you want her to define all of her accomplishments (reading a book, being interested in architecture, going to college, etc.) as explained by being gifted. I would prefer my child focus more on the parts (working hard, being willing to make mistakes, being willing to ask questions, etc.) that are within his control. If he turns out not to like that library book or to not be able handle it - he doesn't have to think "I must not really be gifted" because that book was not tied to giftedness.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by no5no5

Wow. There are so many insightful responses I feel a bit overwhelmed.

One thing that strikes me is how much baggage seems to be attached to the word "gifted" even within the GT community. I guess I was not aware that many GT families had issues using the word "gifted" when talking to their own kids.

I wonder why this is. I can certainly see how some labels are destructive. But "gifted" has never struck me as one of those labels. I guess it depends on how one defines it.

Anyway, thanks for all the great responses. I am still processing.

My parents labelled me gifted and "explained" me as gifted throughout my younger childhood.

I felt like a performing monkey at that point quite often, like my NEXT thing I was going to do had better be gifted. Also, I had the erroneous assumption (like many people in our culture did and still do) that gifted meant "things will come easily to me" as certain things had and do, and so I started to hide when things were not easy, or not participate in them, because everyone would then learn the truth; that I wasn't "gifted."

I don't actually find gifted a hugely truthful label. "Gifted at X" might be, but there's so much fuzziness and misunderstanding about the term that I think it's actually a word that obscures the truth about a complex human child. I don't find it useful except within schools.

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

If lack of deception is the goal - then I find saying "he is really good at reading" as deceiving as "he is really bright".

Yes, he is bright (partial picture) - but the truth is he is gifted (full picture)

No, I disagree with the latter statement. "Gifted" is not the full picture, not by any stretch. It's not a single entity, there's no blood test for it, even kids with exactly the same IQ profiles can be as different as night and day. The "full picture" is my child ... her personality, temperament, home environment, interests, affinities, birth order, the work she's done, opportunities she's had, her learning style -- AND, of course, her IQ profile. Full honest disclosure would have to include all of this, and that's pretty onerous. In discussing our kids with other parents we tend share only a very small part of what our children are.

I have this 36-pound kid who plays Vivaldi violin concertos. She's 6, but the size of a 4-year-old. She's a real head-turner. If people are curious about her abilities, which part of all the above do I share? Do I point out that she's been steeped in violin learning since before birth, that she's attended her siblings' lessons and practicing since birth, that she comes from a long line of professional musicians, that she's got an unusual combination of tenacity and resilience, that she's got strong auditory-sequential learning strengths, that she's passionate and hard-working when it comes to her music, sometimes spending up to 2 hours a day at it -- or do I say "well, yes, she's very gifted"? I don't think the latter is nearly as big a part of her musical ability as the other stuff so I probably wouldn't share it.

Typically I say "yes, she's certainly a very unusual child -- and she does love her music!"

It doesn't seem dishonest to me. It's not the full picture, but "she's gifted" isn't even close to the full picture either.

Miranda

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by Roar

One thing I think you can do is to not assume there will be conflict or that people will be jealous, frustrated or not understanding.

That is my goal. I guess I am thinking that saying it, when it feels appropriate, will be a way for me to reinforce to myself that I am not assuming the worst.

Originally Posted by Roar

To me that seems like a kid taking a class in how to knit mittens and explaining to everyone in the class "I am making two because I have two hands." I would not suggest they conceal that information, but rather it is pretty obvious to all involved they've got two hands so no need to gas on about it.

I love your analogy. If someone asks why that kid is making two mittens, I think it would be appropriate for the kid to say, "Well, I've got two hands." That makes more sense than saying, "Well, I really like the number two." I am in no way advocating that DD stand up & announce to people that she is gifted. I'm just saying that she should feel that she has the option to say it in conversation when it is appropriate.

Originally Posted by Roar

The other thing I'd consider is if you want her to define all of her accomplishments (reading a book, being interested in architecture, going to college, etc.) as explained by being gifted. I would prefer my child focus more on the parts (working hard, being willing to make mistakes, being willing to ask questions, etc.) that are within his control. If he turns out not to like that library book or to not be able handle it - he doesn't have to think "I must not really be gifted" because that book was not tied to giftedness.

That's a good point. We have not yet explained giftedness to her, but we will be careful about it when we do. I think it will help that I have moved well past my old fear of failure/fear of success issues and am now perfectly willing to fail at things.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

My parents labelled me gifted and "explained" me as gifted throughout my younger childhood.

I felt like a performing monkey at that point quite often, like my NEXT thing I was going to do had better be gifted. Also, I had the erroneous assumption (like many people in our culture did and still do) that gifted meant "things will come easily to me" as certain things had and do, and so I started to hide when things were not easy, or not participate in them, because everyone would then learn the truth; that I wasn't "gifted."

Hm. Well, I didn't find out that I was "gifted" until late middle school. (I was in gifted ed in grade school, but I didn't think it made me gifted because there was no testing and, as the only HG kid in the program, I didn't think the other kids seemed "gifted.") But oddly, I experienced many of the same issues you did, despite the fact that nobody used that word to describe me.

Originally Posted by moominmamma

It doesn't seem dishonest to me. It's not the full picture, but "she's gifted" isn't even close to the full picture either.

That's definitely true. The reason it feels dishonest to me is that it is on the tip of my tongue--I am thinking it, almost saying it--and then I remember that I'm not supposed to because people may be offended. It just doesn't feel right to me.

[SmoothieMom]

Originally Posted by no5no5

I feel like I need to be able to not care about what people think or about how they are going to react.

Can I ask, and I really don't mean to sound rude or anything, but why do you think people (strangers) care about your DD or what level she reads at? I wouldnt think twice if I saw a little one reading, especiallly at a library, I certainly wouldn't even think to say anything, it doesn't make any difference to me in my life.

I can understand family members or friends.. just not the random strangers part.

I guess what I am saying is it seems very important to you what others think about your DD and they might be oblivious to her wonderful gift.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

If lack of deception is the goal - then I find saying "he is really good at reading" as deceiving as "he is really bright".

Yes, he is bright (partial picture) - but the truth is he is gifted (full picture)

Yes he is good at reading (partial picture) but what is left unsaid is that the reason he reads so easily and at such a young age is giftedness (full picture)

Personally, I do not have any issues with saying bright or "good at xyz" but complete honestly is not my goal. Avoiding a scene sometimes is, lol.

Originally Posted by eilonwy

Sometimes, a partial picture is definately enough.

I don't disagree with you.

My above post was meant specifically for nono5. She has concerns with disclosure and honesty. Example:

"I recognize that I have different standards for honesty than others (perhaps due to the incredible amount of deception I engaged in as a teenager)."

I was pointing out that "he is good at reading" is no more honest than "he is bright". Both are not full picture.

As per myself, I have no issues with partial picture (although it will be nice when we can call a spade a spade (or a gifted person a gifted person) without repercusions, but that day is not today).

kathy

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom

Can I ask, and I really don't mean to sound rude or anything, but why do you think people (strangers) care about your DD or what level she reads at? I wouldnt think twice if I saw a little one reading, especiallly at a library, I certainly wouldn't even think to say anything, it doesn't make any difference to me in my life.

I can understand family members or friends.. just not the random strangers part.

I guess what I am saying is it seems very important to you what others think about your DD and they might be oblivious to her wonderful gift.

This is sort of a fine point, but I will try to make it anyway. What I care about is my own reluctance to talk about DD's gifts. And my reluctance doesn't come from a concern about what others think about DD. It comes partially from a concern about what others think about me (i.e., I don't want them to think I am full of myself) and partially from a concern about what others may think about their own kids (because I know how parents can compare their kids to other kids). And I guess partially it just comes from the fact that IRL I have not used that word to anyone other than DH.

We have definitely experienced the stares, and I am not imagining that. You wouldn't do that? Great. But people do. And it doesn't matter to me whether people stare. It's just that the fact that it is happening more and more has made me realize that concealing or avoiding mention of the ways in which DD is different is no longer an option.

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by no5no5

That's definitely true. The reason it feels dishonest to me is that it is on the tip of my tongue--I am thinking it, almost saying it--and then I remember that I'm not supposed to because people may be offended. It just doesn't feel right to me.

Ahh, I see. I do know what it feels like as a parent to be mentally consumed by the realization that your child is intellectually on a very different plane from her agemates, and to be simultaneously working through some of your own baggage surrounding giftedness. I was there 12 years ago. But for a lot of years now, thanks primarily to our homeschooling and our rural Canadian location, "gifted" hasn't been on my mental radar much. It's never on the tip of my tongue, so it would never feel contrived for me to say something else.

Originally Posted by no5no5;

What I care about is my own reluctance to talk about DD's gifts.

I agree, I think it's mostly about your own feelings, inclinations and baggage than it is about honestly vs. dishonesty. To you right now your dd's giftedness sometimes feels like the elephant in the room -- the thing that's huge and obvious that everyone is avoiding mentioning. I think what helped me to get past my focus on the elephant was to realize that for the most part elephants weren't as big or important to others as they seemed to me. Many people weren't anxious or hyper-aware around elephants; to them elephants were just part of the wallpaper. They'd notice "hmm, an elephant" and that would be that. They didn't expect me to say "there's an elephant here."

I think it'll get easier in time. I wouldn't beat yourself up over dishonesty;; I don't think that's the real issue. Eventually elephants start to feel normal to you, and then you don't feel the need to explain them to people all the time. And they do get smaller and less noticeable as our kids get older.

Miranda

[Romana]

I'm coming late to this, but I can share something from the perspective of a kid who grew up knowing she was "gifted" - though we never called it that.

I don't know if our kids will be above average or not, but I really don't think it's a big deal. I know kids who were positively brilliant at age 10 who are totally average now (as in, they lead very average lives and while they might have an above average IQ, it really isn't anything all that special). My own life is pretty average, too. I have an advanced degree and I'm always seeking mental stimulation, but that's why I married someone who could more than keep up with me in that regard. We keep each other challenged and interested.

Anyway, if my 3 year old were reading at a first or second grade level (which she isn't!), I would never feel the need to announce anything to anyone. ALL kids are different, and there's nothing secret or clandestine or dishonest about not announcing that your 3 year old is way ahead of the average in terms of reading ability. I just don't see it as a big deal. It's a nice thing, like the fact that I've run in 6 marathons since 2005 and decreased my time by more than an hour. Yes, I've done something most people haven't and won't, but that doesn't mean it's disingenuous for me not to mention it when I meet people or start interacting with them - even if we're going jogging together (ok, that's not true, it's just an example I don't run marathons).

If people expressed curiosity, I would just say, "She loves to read." Someone might respond, "Isn't she really young to be reading?" and I'd say, "She took an early interest" or even just "Maybe." I want my kid to feel like what's normal for her is normal for her. She'll notice she's different from other kids. That's okay. If she has questions about it, she'll ask me, and I can answer appropriately.

It seems like this situation feels very strange and foreign and unbalancing to you. You sound very uncertain. To me, it just sounds very normal. On the range of normal, for her age your daughter is very advanced at reading. She may continue to be really advanced, or she may end up closer to her peers in a few years. There's no way to know for certain. I think the most important thing is for you to be comfortable with her just the way she is, because she needs that security in order to feel comfortable with herself.

I hope that helps a little. Your daughter sounds like so much fun.

[alexsam]

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom

Can I ask, and I really don't mean to sound rude or anything, but why do you think people (strangers) care about your DD or what level she reads at? I wouldnt think twice if I saw a little one reading, especiallly at a library, I certainly wouldn't even think to say anything, it doesn't make any difference to me in my life.

I can understand family members or friends.. just not the random strangers part.

I guess what I am saying is it seems very important to you what others think about your DD and they might be oblivious to her wonderful gift.

But strangers DO stare and ask. They absolutely do. They may not ask a "level", but they do absolutely become interested. And you *might* be curious to see a toddler read (at least other people are)... People really paid attention to when my son was barely 3 and riding a 2 wheel bike or was identifying trees from his stroller or counting backwards in the sandbox.

No offense to YOU, but do you have a highly/exceptionally/profoundly gifted kid? If so, I'd be surprised that they NEVER got attention like this...

[EXOLAX]

Originally Posted by Roar

It seems many of us here have responded with either a "yes" or "she's really interested in..." type of comment during the toddler and preschooler years I'm wondering if anyone here with kids over preschool age has observed that these sorts of parental comments have lead to children feeling self loathing or embarrassment about their giftedness?

For our just turned 8 year old 2nd grader it has not. It is what we've modeled and how she will respond herself; "Yeah, I like science, but what I'm really into is chemistry". Personally I would not want her to say "It's because I'm gifted".

Like I said earlier, the comments now are more about what she's into and she will engage in the conversation herself. We don't get much in the way of negative responses any more. One was when she was seen reading "The Graveyard Book". She was almost done with it and it was right after he won the Newbery for it so people were more familiar with it (or with some twinge of controversy about it). Someone asked me in front of DD if it was an appropriate book for such a young child. I said it might not be for all kids, but it was for our DD. They continued to press and DD piped up saying it wasn't really that violent and that she really wanted to read it because she really liked Gaiman after reading "Coraline" and that she was proud of his win. I think her speaking for herself reminds adults that the child is present and engaged, and they tend to clam up after she responds.

The only other negative I can think of was when DD was in 1st grade and we went to her science teacher with her so she could ask if they could do experiments in class (chemistry really). The teacher responded to me in front of DD "Not with kids this age, they are too young". I responded to DD and said "We'll just continue to do them at home" and asked the teacher when they started doing them. DD and I talked about it on the way home.

At dinner one night a couple of our adult (geeky) friends caught her reciting the Fibonacci sequence, but they just turned it into a game. I believe one said he thought it was cool that she knew it. They had a conversation amongst themselves about cool patterns in math. This is probably the prime example I can think of. As kids age some adults tend to see them more as 'real people' and seek out opportunities to interact with them if the situation calls for it. Most of the adults we know would be bored silly having to listen to kids chat about polly pockets, webkinz or whatnot. As soon as our kids start discussing something adults are actually interested they seem to be more engaged and less awe-full.

The only other time it's been an issue since she was older was when she was questioning everyone (adults and kids) about their religious beliefs. But like I said, she learned a valuable lesson from that. It was probably the most negativity she's ever had to deal with (including the comments when she was 3/4).

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by alexsam

But strangers DO stare and ask. They absolutely do. They may not ask a "level", but they do absolutely become interested.

Interested, yes. But in my experience parental attitude counts for a lot. If you're low-key and cheerful, acknowledge whatever it is that's stoked their interest and move on like it's no big deal, other people do too. Their interest doesn't become oppressive or inquisitional or awkward if your own matter-of-factness prevails. I think it can be acted out, too, even if you're not feeling comfortable and low-key. "Yes he's a pretty unusual kid, isn't he? Hey, how's your mom doing these days?"

Miranda

[alexsam]

I don't know that people will be offended (I mean, they are staring for a reason and everyone in the situation knows they are looking at an anomoly), but since there is so much associated with the word "gifted" it is just often easier not to get into it unless someone is really interested.

Really, I think you should try saying it. I had to for a while, to kind of allow it to sink in and to find others... and it will do that. But it also will bring out other things and it will bring to the forefront peoples misconceptions and baggage and your child will be exposed to that when you haul out the "g word". In the gifted world, there are specific definitions, tests, the awareness that the experience is not all sugar and roses, tha there are levels, degrees, a variety of needs. But others will say things like "all children are gifted", "I don't believe in labels", "you should slow her down", "my child is gifted too! she can...", "if she's gifted, then why can't she...", "did you use flashcards? hothousing is not healthy", etc. So if nothing else, you find yourself in these akward conversations that are very rarely even about true giftedness and are more about people's own (mis)perceptions. And it is tiring and akward to educate the world on giftedness.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by Romana9+2

It seems like this situation feels very strange and foreign and unbalancing to you. You sound very uncertain.

Oh, I hope I did not give the impression that I am uncomfortable with DD's precocity. That is absolutely not the case. I grew up PG with a MG sister, and DH is also gifted (2E), so I was not the least bit surprised when DD started showing signs of being gifted. DD fits right in with our family and she is just herself. We don't compare her to other kids or feel uncomfortable with what she can do. Not at all. I am uncertain of how to deal with the attention we are starting to get from others, but we are pretty well balanced as a family.

That said, I will admit that I am sometimes a bit taken aback when she starts reading over my shoulder as I type. And I am a bit concerned that she is being exposed to ideas that she is not emotionally mature enough for because the books she reads are written for older kids. But that's a topic for another thread, I guess.

[alexsam]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

Interested, yes. But in my experience parental attitude counts for a lot. If you're low-key and cheerful, acknowledge whatever it is that's stoked their interest and move on like it's no big deal, other people do too. Their interest doesn't become oppressive or inquisitional or awkward if your own matter-of-factness prevails. I think it can be acted out, too, even if you're not feeling comfortable and low-key. "Yes he's a pretty unusual kid, isn't he? Hey, how's your mom doing these days?"

Miranda

I totally agree with you. I'm just saying that sometimes, the unusual will get attention, even if you are low key. A kid who does unusual things will attract a certain amount of curiosity, even if the parent does not feed into it.

My ds rode in the Tour de Fat at 3 yrs old. It is a bike "marathon" in which people dress and devise outrageous costumes for the ride. People were topless, riding 10 feet in the air, etc. My son had a crowd around him ("Look at the baby riding the bike!"). We smiled, that was it. Yet the attention went on and on. Sometimes it just happens, even if you are expert at not feeding into it and making it not a big deal. Its the curiosity about it.

Shoot- wasn't there a kid recently on Howard Stern because he could name all the presidents in order and all that? People are facinated.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by no5no5

I love your analogy. If someone asks why that kid is making two mittens, I think it would be appropriate for the kid to say, "Well, I've got two hands." That makes more sense than saying, "Well, I really like the number two." I am in no way advocating that DD stand up & announce to people that she is gifted. I'm just saying that she should feel that she has the option to say it in conversation when it is appropriate.

The point is that people don't ask "why two mittens?" and they don't really wonder if the kid in early college is gifted. It is just so obvious it warrants no discussion. For what it is worth I can't recall a single time when anyone asked our child why he was in early college. If they did I would assume the answer he'd give would relate to interests and the appropriateness of courses for learning more about those interests. The fact that he's able to do so, because he's gifted is part obvious enough that people get without explanation.

Originally Posted by no5no5

That's a good point. We have not yet explained giftedness to her, but we will be careful about it when we do. I think it will help that I have moved well past my old fear of failure/fear of success issues and am now perfectly willing to fail at things.

You know what she's ready for and that's something to consider if you decide to say gifted about her in front of her - she will hear it. I know for sure our child would not have been ready for that conversation of an overreaching label in preschool. I preferred to discuss it when he was old enough to really understand and put it into perspective. When he was a preschooler and folks were oooing and aahing over his reading and his vocabulary, we explained that people learn things at different ages and in different ways. Some adults may be surprised when they see a kid who has learned something on the early end. In our family the most important thing is not when he learns something but that he enjoys it. I very strongly wanted to avoid the idea that it is a race and he deserves attention if he got there first because that's just not a long term positive way for a person to define themselves.

[tiffani]

Originally Posted by no5no5

One thing that strikes me is how much baggage seems to be attached to the word "gifted" even within the GT community.

I think the main issue is with a kid defining themselves as gifted, as it can so easily lead to pressure, expectations, fear of failure, etc, which *I think* is one reason why so many "gifted" individuals actually end up on the lower-achieving end of the spectrum. It's a hard label to live up to, and honestly, I think it really only serves a purpose if your child has a lot of difficulty in another area (especially socially, as that is the area everyone sees) as a way of explaining a bit about who they are, where they struggle and where they succeed.

Originally Posted by EXOLAX

The only other time it's been an issue since she was older was when she was questioning everyone (adults and kids) about their religious beliefs. But like I said, she learned a valuable lesson from that. It was probably the most negativity she's ever had to deal with (including the comments when she was 3/4).

My 7 year old is currently obsessed with religion, and as we're new to the community, it's a little awkward when he wants to tell everyone that he is the only christian in our family (the kids really look at him strangely with that one) or initiates an intense conversation with our 8 year old catholic neighbor about gay rights... I don't know how to get him to stop talking religion (he doesn't seem to care that it's awkward, or maybe he likes it ) with his friends. At least he doesn't bring it up with adults we don't know really well, and I guess it's probably good that he's decided he is Christian, rather than atheist like the rest of the family -- THAT would be really awkward at the homeschooler's gatherings!

anyway, did you encourage your child to stop talking about religion with people or did s/he "get it" on his/her own?

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

No, I disagree with the latter statement. "Gifted" is not the full picture, not by any stretch. Miranda

hmmm...that statement was written within the context of "I don't think saying "John is good at xyz" is inherantly more honest than "John is bright". Both are partial truths. The full truth of why John reads at 3 is because he is gifted. It is not because he is good at reading - if his IQ were average he would not be reading at 3. If he were bright (but not gifted) it is unlikely he would be reading at 3.

It was an arguement specific sentence.

In the grand schmeme of things I do not think being gifted is the "full picture" at all. There is temperment, likes, dislikes, values, ect. Being gifted is only a small part of the peron.

Sorry I was not clear earlier.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by tiffani

I think the main issue is with a kid defining themselves as gifted, as it can so easily lead to pressure, expectations, fear of failure, etc, which *I think* is one reason why so many "gifted" individuals actually end up on the lower-achieving end of the spectrum.

Speaking for myself, I do not think this is entirely true.

I think there are many reasons people do not become "high achieving". Many people do not want to be high achievers - and it is not due to fear of failure.

I work part time as a Librarian. It is not a very high powered job, lol. Yet I am quite happy. Do I have the IQ to be a doctor, lawyer, scientist? Yes - I do - but I do not want to be those things. I was not drawn towards those topic in University, and sure as heck did not want to spend years studying them. I wanted a part time community based job and I wanted a job that allowed me lots of time with my family - and that is what I ultimately chose and got.

I think it comes down to how you define success. I do not define success as academic papers or credentials, or income level. I define it as happiness and engagement level. I think there are many gifted people, whom, to outsiders, look like they could have "achieved more" - but are perfectly content.