'If you let her "get away with that now"

[ameliabedelia]

I am home for the holidays now with my parents and my parents are really great, they were rather AP and gentle with us, but one thing they keep saying is driving me crazy.

DD is 22 months old and understandly she doesn't always want to do the things I want her to do put on her jacket, or get dressed or have her diaper changed so when she doesn't want to have that done she cries.

Well, my mom keeps telling me that if I don't make her do what I originally want her to do, and let her get away with it she will learn that crying gets her what she wants, and it just will get worse and worse.

Please reassure me that my mom is wrong and it is okay to respect dd's wishes and to work with them in a more gentle way (like letting her run around undressed for a little and then getting her dressed later when she is more cooperative or taking the jacket in the car and putting it on at the destination instead of before we get in the car. I hate using brute force to dress her or put her jacket on, etc., etc. Please reassure me that I am not letting her run wild and get away with all sorts of things.

Normally my parents are really good and gentle and such, so these kinds of comments really bother me since I feel they were great parents.

[Mommiska]

I think you are doing a great job, respecting your dd's wishes and working with her, rather than forcing your will on her.

I know how you feel, though - my parents were great parents as well, and I know my mom felt the same way about how I interacted with my two girls when she was over for ds's birth in September. Mom even commented a couple of times, and that is very unlike her.

So - I felt defensive. But I'm sure working with my dd's, helping them to express their feelings appropriately, but still respecting those feelings when they are expressed not-as-appropriately is still the way to go.

It's hard, though, isn't it? We so want our parents' approval (at least I do...).

You are a great mom! And your daughter will learn to respect other people because you respect her.

[Nanner]

I kinda agree with the parents on this one...

I went through the exact same thing when my dd was about that age, maybe a little younger. I would tell my dd we were going to do something (like put her shirt on), and when she cried or threw a big fit, I might try conjoling her to do it, but I pretty much always just gave up until later.
Some may disagree with me on this, but I will tell you it *did* in fact make my dd start crying and throwing fits anytime she didn't feel like doing what I wanted. She was not totally unruly, but not real pleasant to be around sometimes. I was frustrated a lot, and so was she. It didn't happen over night, I think it took awhile for it to become ingrained in her as a natural response anytime she wasn't in the mood to do what I wanted/needed her to do.
Another problem is she didn't believe me when I said other things- like when I said something was dangerous, she didn't take it very seriously. She is 3 now and I'd say for the last year (maybe more, can't remember exactly!), I've been very conscientious about following thru with requests I make. There are sometimes exceptions to the rule, and sometimes I find myself giving in without even realizing I'm doing it! But mostly, if I say it is time to do something, she knows I am serious and complies willingly (*most* of the time!)
I would recommend that if you think you might meet resistance, you could either make a game out of it, something fun, or just ask her if she is ready to put her shirt on. Like, instead of saying "it's time to put your shirt on.", say "Are you ready to put your shirt on now, or do you want to wait until the end of Barney?"
That way she can see when she has a choice (no need for crying, in that case), or if you are saying she needs to do what Mom says, whether she wants to right now or not. Also, it teaches her a more appropriate way to say she doesn't want to do something- a "no", instead of crying or tantrums.
It takes more time, but it is really worth not making her do things that aren't a big deal- ask her if she's ready to wear her jacket, if she says no, then take it in the car (like you said)
Basically, I think it is best for everyone if you "say what you mean and mean what you say" as much as possible.
This is, I think, one of the hardest yet most crucial things in parenting.
And, I *still* have to work hard everyday and think through what I am saying to dd before I say it. It's a real bummer to have a little one screaming about not wanting to do some necessary things in life, and believe me, they only get louder and more opinionated about their desires as they get older!
Good luck, it sounds to me like you have great common sense and a good attitude about parenting your dd!
S.

[captain optimism]

I can't comment on the substance of whether you should compel a toddler to do things. (Sounds a little like herding cats to me!) I haven't been there or done that, yet.

But it does seem to be a pattern that grandparents and other observers tell us to try to set children's patterns of behavior at a young age, like birth (!!!) because if we don't, we will have to deal with bad behavior of one kind or another, forever. I want to assert the opinion that children can behave very well when their parents know what to expect of them developmentally. So if you feel that you are responding to what your daughter can do now, and will ask more of her later, then that is a good thing to say to your parents.

[LoveBeads]

I disagree with your parents.

It is a stage of psychological development to rebel against the things that your parents/caretakers want you to do (otherwise known as the "no" stage). It is a necessary and important phase of your child's development. How you deal with it will determine her ability to feel triumph or defeat in these matters which will, of course, determine many more of her future personality traits.

I too have a very difficult time justifying any kind of "force" when it comes to any person walking the earth, including a child.

However, it is possible to empower a child while eliciting their cooperation. If you offer two choices and both are acceptable to you, she will feel that she had some semblance of control over the situation and you will not feel totally frustrated.

I will give you some scenarios that I would use:

"it's time to get dressed. Are you going to wear your red shirt or your purple one?"

"it's time to get dressed. Do you want to hand me your shirt or should I get it from the closet?"

"it's time to get dressed. Do you want to run like a doggy upstairs, crawl like a bear or fly like a bird? (flying entails picking the child up and holding them so they feel like they are flying - my dd's personal favorite!).

"it's time to get dressed. Should we walk together into the room or do you want to be the leader?"

(five minutes before you want to dress her, point to the clock) "when the big hand gets to the 5 (or point to a number if she doesn't recognize numbers yet), we will get dressed. Do you want to tell me when the big hand gets to the 5 or should I tell you?"

I would not "ask" whether the child is ready to get dressed because that is sure to get a "no" response and I wouldn't offer choices that you are unwilling to accept (such as "do you want to wear your diaper on your tushey or on your head?") And speaking of diapers, my dd would love to be my assistant during diaper changes and hand me the wipes, pick out the diaper, etc.

Timing is also crucial. If the child is in the middle of something that she is enjoying, I would hold off until she is ready to transition in a better frame of mind.

I also think that your ideas of letting her run around without clothes for a few minutes or taking a jacket in the car are excellent if they work for you. Sometimes giving my dd a few extra minutes works wonders, other times it is just a way for her to stall and it's not so effective.

I think you're doing a great job. And it doesn't mean your parents didn't do a great job - they raised you and you sound like you have great instincts.

[Piglet68]

It's a common idea, this "if you let her get away with it now". I think it does children a disservice by presuming that their mission in life is to "get their way". I don't think children are motivated by that sort of thinking.

I agree with what others said. I don't think it's creating bad habits, and I think you should continue doing things as you are doing.

[scoutycat]

If I were at work, and my boss wasn't listening to me/heeding my wishes when I brought them to his attention, I would probably speak louder, then try and get their attention another way (in increasingly obnoxious ways), etc. I would stop eventually, but I wouldn't be very happy about it, and I would probably harbour resentment and bitterness towards my boss. My morale would be damaged and I would not be very motivated to help out or go the extra mile - or even to do my job to the best of my ability. I certainly wouldn't think of them as someone with my best interests at heart, or trust them as far as I could throw them. I know kids aren't adults, but it is little wonder that they feel some of the same things I described in the above scenario when faced with an inflexible and unheeding authority figure. That said, if it's time to go/get dressed/whatever, it's time. I'm willing compomise on how it's done, whether it's done right now or after we say good-bye (or whatever), etc. but not on whether it gets done or not, kwim? And if it's a particularily bad time (tired, teething, whatever) I might be even more gentle than that. But we still go (eventually!!). It's hard and sure to get worse, I guess, dd is only 14 mos, but that's my plan and I'm sticking to it!! Good luck - it sounds like deep down you know what's right, trust that! -jen

[Marsupialmom]

I found trying other techniques to get them prepared to go helpful.

I also found making time to go, time to go. Say good by to the toys it is time to go and leave.

We will leave in 5 minutes, set my watch. When it went off we left. No arguing go.

In general I find saying what I mean and meaning what I say effective parenting. Don’t get me wrong I did/do things to make these transitions easier but with my children if I said time to go and did not go it made for a worse battle.

I wonder if your parents were seeing or worried about another pattern: The inconsistent parent. The child does not do things because they do not take mommy/daddy seriously. The child that ignores calls until the 7th time because that is when mom/dad gets serious. Not being there I can only guess at your parents concerns. It seems like your mom has a legitimate concern but has poor word choice and no clue to get co-operation with out boot camp force. I agree that if you say something you should mean it. Time to go should mean time to go. Take a moment and ask yourself does my mom have a point? Can I make these transitions easier, while saying what I mean?

I did not see the exchanges in your mom’s house I am going on what I have seen else were. Think about what message you are sending if this is how your exchange with your child went. “DD time to go. Put on your jacket.” DD goes off and plays. DD see oh it is not really time to go she can play. Next time you ask, mom doesn’t mean it is time to go so I will play. IMO, if done enough it sets (can) a pattern of confusing inconsistence. Now if you approached the situation this way. “DD time to go in 5 minutes.” Then let your dd play and your mom whine that your dd didn’t jump to the door, it is your mom’s problem not yours.

I have a friend that has this issue going on in her house. Her oldest son will not listen until she stands up, because he knows she is not serious until then. She is really working on this and accepting my advice. One issue is bouncing on the couch (her son has put himself through a window once already). She/they have greatly noticed that he will stop this the first time asked because they have started saying stop bouncing and physically (but genteelly) moved him the first time. They do try to remind him and redirect him but they are making “serious” stuff “serious”. Actually, overhauling their discipline and consistency has really helped. Understanding there is a difference between a reminder/redirection and a command.

Getting your child to do what you want when you have asked does not need to be boot camp style most times. You can avoid battles, but mean what you say so they learn that you are consistent and are serious. Another poster mention “Time to get dressed to you want the red shirt or blue shirt.” She still makes the time to get dress a gentle “order” there is no option on that but there is an option to the color of shirt.

Most cases your child will not freeze or be harmed by not wearing a coat in the car. The outside walks are short enough. If they are getting cold that is were natural consequences come in. My 5 yr old did this today, did not want to zip up her jacket. She got cold and complained. I asked her how she could prevent getting cold when we come out from the store. She stopped us on the way out to zip her jacket up. So it is reasonable for you to say “DD it is time to go are you wearing your jacket?” “Ok, lets go.”

I will admit our children do not always transitions smoothly, specially when they are sugared up from grandma, but they do go and know we mean business.

You can be "Incharge" and make "commands" with out being bullies.

[Marsupialmom]

LOL, I just noticed your name.

If you have read enough of those books you should understand why your words should be clear, and to the point.

Draw the Curtains, Dust the Living room, and it is to late to remember others.

My son loves Amelia Bedelea books.

[Foobar]

I tend to agree with marsupialmom.

Goo knows we have a rule about standing on chairs (ie, we don't do that) I will ask her not to when she does it and half of the time she will sit down and the other half, she will smile. However, I rarely stop there. I will stand up and physically remove her from the chair and let her know she can sit there if she sits. Most of the time, simply standing up has the effect of "oh, mom is serious" (when i remove her, I usually give her big bear hugs so it isn't a rough removal).

I have worked hard to be consistant about it. I also have worked with giving her warning times for getting out of the bath and getting dressed and getting a jacket on. It's hard to be patient, but I think being consistant and offering choices without offering the choice of "no" is a good way to handle the situation.

I have also seen too many kids that have learned that crying means they get what they want. I think you can strike a middle ground between letting her calling the shots (what your parents think is happening) and you forcing her (what you think they want you to do)

[Piglet68]

I think Marsupial Mom hit the nail on the head with the consistency thing. I have a similar situation to Foo when it comes to the bath. I don't want DD standing in the tub (I'm afraid of her slipping or falling). When she first started doing it, I just told her that we dont' stand in the tub because it's dangerous. I'd say "sit down please" and then sit her down. At first it was a game and she'd stand right back up again. I laughed with her, made it fun, but I put her back down every time. Very soon she stopped doing it. Now, every once in a while she'll do it inadvertently (reaching for something, for example) and I only have to say "sit down please" and she sits right back down. I think the fact that I was always consistent about it was the key to our success.

I'm also constantly amazed at how a good imagination can prevent battles of will. If we are heading out the door, DD is usually good about comign and getting shoes on etc. Every now and then she's a bit slow, or busy doing something else. Just when I think I have no choice but to go grab her, I'll try "one more thing" like getting Elmo and talkign to him about putting shoes on and leaving. She comes right on over! I'm always really happy when this happens. And yeah, a bit pleased with myself for my creativity, too, lol. I'm learning that when it all seems like nothing else is going to work but "taking control", there is always something else to try. And having them "comply" willingly and of their own accord is so rewarding!