What do you do when they are frustrated and want to act it out physically?

[Funny Face]

I'm very new to some of the gd concepts and trying really hard to work with my very emotional 3 year old dd.

Can someone give me some ideas or tell what is okay, not okay?

Here is the scenario:

I told dd that it was time for dinner, that I'd made broccoli and mac n cheese. ( a food she normally likes).

She tells me she doesn't want it and I tell her that this is dinner time and once it's over it's bedtime and we won't be eating at bedtime.

She tells me 'No! I don't want bedtime and I don't want dinner time!' and I tell her not to talk to mommy like that, there is a nicer way to say 'no'. She is becoming agitated and says 'Don't say those words to me. Just stop it. I don't like you talking to me.' She does this with a big scowl on her face.

I tell her it is not okay to talk to mommy this way and she starts pulling on her clothes while staring me down and repeating the words above and becoming more vehement. Every time I try to say anything to her she keeps repeating this without listening.

I ask if she wants to calm down or if she would for me to help her calm down. She starts telling me not to talk to her with those words and then starts yelling at me in gibberish.

So I tell her we are going to her room to calm down and guide her in there. She's obviously frustrated/angry so I tell her 'You look really angry. Do you feel angry?' and she yells 'NO!' at me. I try talking to her but she just yells no and tells me to stop talking to her.

Then she starts hitting the ground with her fists and sort of jumping and stomping her feet. In no way is she out of control- she's almost calm in her effort to exert her anger. I started to tell her not to hit things but something made me hold back. Then she hit her dresser, paused then hit it again and let out this really loud scream/yell. Then she just looked back at me and burst into tears.

Then she was willing to come to me and I held her and let her cry.

I just don't know what to do when everything I say she responds to with "Don't say those words to me!" and isn't listening to what I'm saying. I don't want her to hit things because I don't want her to get hurt and I don't want her to end up hitting people but I don't know what to do to help her get her anger out.

Dh is very judgmental of my new found gd so I feel I need to have some kind of plan/advice on how to handle the 'tantrum' so he doesn't stifle her feelings. Every time I'm disciplining her I think "If dh was watching this he'd be so pissed. He'd think she's walking all over me."

How would you handle this? What do you do to help them work through their anger without pulling on themselves, scratching themselves, hitting and kicking things? When I tell her not to do these things it escalates and she acts out her frustration on herself even more. Is there another way for her to let her anger out?

[doublyblessed]

my first thought is that maybe your dd was really tired and that is why she didn't even like the idea of her fave dinner thus that is what set her off when you told her it is dinner time and once its over its bedtime...that is what i would think but you know her better than i.

i don't have any other advice for you...


hugs.

[Lilasmom]

My daughter did this sometimes at 3 too and one thing we found that helped was to talk about it after she calmed down and ask her about it. She told me (usually snuggling in bed after stories, in the dark) that what she really wanted when she was so upset was a hug. And so after that, when she was about to meltdown, I would enfold her and that often calmed her down. (Not hugging in a firm way, just normal, gentle hugs.)

Sometimes this didn't work. And sometimes I just needed to ignore the rude demands that I "not talk" to her, and let her cool off. It's infuriating in the moment, but I think it confused my daughter that I told her to use her words to express her feelings, but then when she did, I told her that her words were "wrong" (not that I used that word, but that's how she interpreted it). So that let to the physical acting out.

Hang in there.

[Marsupialmom]

I think your child was to tired/hungry to learn or change anything.

I also think you handled the bad tone wrong. Next time refraise it with an example how you want to be talk to. She is 3 and doesn't get it....now at 13 it is different but 3 she is still learning.

I think you also continue to engage her escalating the sitution. Next time do a reality check on why the behavior. Then be polite "I don't like you talking that way to me. Next time you have an objection please say it this way ---------." Move on. Don't argue anymore. Leave the room.

She was trying to tell you with all her emotions how she feels. In this case sometimes walking away is ok. Who cares if she has a tantrum in a room by herself. There will be a point in the melt down that you can come in and hug her. Calmly talk to her and sooth her. But at the point she was it sounds like she was overwelmed and you were just engaging her more---making the stituation more frustrating and overwhelming.

My middle child at that age had to explode and then needed me to come back when she was ready---not when I was ready. At times I really hated that I couldn't do anything to help her but back off. We would review the behavior later....when she wasn't tired or hungry. In this case I would discuss how we both can handle and interact better. We would "play it out." If your dd breaks something don't replace it. Talk about how it is sad that it is broken and help her come up with better ways to handle anger. Then guide her to that behavior when you see that she is starting to go.

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My 3rd child---this behavior would have meant picking her up, hugging her, laying down because she was just to tired.

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My 1st I don't remember what I did for him.

[doublyblessed]

marsupialmom, that is great input. thanks! its so easy to forget these simple truths on how to respond/love our dc in a GD way...

[Funny Face]

Thanks for your input. I'm having a hard time being able to tell when to stay and help her and when to walk away. When I leave her she follows me and yells at me and seems to by trying to get my attention.

Still not sure what to do with her wanting to hit/kick things when she is mad. It happens often. I don't mind if it's a phase but I don't want her to always feel that that is the only way to deal with anger. I also don't want her kicking at me and the dog, which happens sometimes.

Are there any ways to redirect anger? So she finds more than just one way to express it?

I guess I'll figure it out in time, just new to this and trying to do the right thing.

[fiddlefern]

Ways to deal with physical aggression:

In our house it is ok to hit the couch or the bed. If either ds needs to hit, I redirect them to hitting one of these things (with an unbreakable object). Stomping and jumping and hitting the ground are allowed. I also sometimes initiate wrestling with them, or have them give me high fives as hard as they can. As for myself, there are times I get so angry that I want to spank my kids (when they try to hurt the cat it really chaps my hide). During those times, I often hit the ground myself! Way better than hitting a child. I talk to my kids about how it is not ok to hurt people even when you are really angry, and I model it too.

[hipumpkins]

I don't the remember the "why" but my Dd had a huge tantrum in the car many years ago. (She's 6 1/2 now) But she was screaming and yelling and I was doing all that labeling that I read was so helpful.
"You sound angry?"
"You seem upset, what' the matter?"
I don;t remember it all but I do remember this:
she screamed louder to everything I said so I said, "Tell me what you need I will help you"
And my Dd screamed "stop talking!"
she was not kind about it but she was truthful...my talking made it worse.
So I stopped and waited and when she was down to a whimper I gave her hug (I had pulled off the road b/c of the screaming and it was distracting to dirve )
then she was fine. she may have told the problem but I really don't remember.
the lesson for me was to listen to my daughter and not to the advice books b/c the advice did not work her.


So to redo your scenario...let her tell you to "stop saying those words" and stop saying them. Kids shouldn't have to be little angels through big emotions.
We are their mothers and we can take it...Be a soft place to land after big emotional outburst.

[BCFD]

I agree that it sounds like she could have been tired or hungry, but if it's something she is doing regularly than maybe you could try the approach of just not engaging her. You could say something like, "You sound very angry right now and if you want to talk to Mommy I am here to listen to you. I will not listen to you until your voice sounds like mine. Your screaming is hurting my ears." and then simply turn around and not give her the audience. When my kids are calm I always remind them that they can talk to me and tell me anything. When they are happy or sad or mad or whatever they are feeling. My oldest, who is 4, will sometimes say, "Mommy you made me really, really angry" and I thank her for telling me that and ask her if we can talk about it. She always tells me.

I have been doing this with my kids, but mostly it has been sibling squabbles that is driving me nuts. I get the "Mommy she did xyz" or "Mommy, she's looking at me funny" or "Mommy she hit me" or I hear them screaming and annoying each other constantly. What I am doing is a lot of "Oh, that sounds frustrating! Do you need a hug?" or if I didn't see one of them get a smack from the other, "Oh no..that must have really hurt. Do you need a hug?" and they are back playing with each other within seconds. I simply disengage and ask them to find a solution or work it out. After doing this about 10 times they are looking at me, like, "What the?" and this afternoon they were so sweet to each other it worried me.

[Funny Face]

Those suggestions really help, thank you! I guess I was afraid not to address her anger, I thought she would think I was ignoring her emotions if I didn't talk to her. When this happened last night and again today I just told her I would talk to her when she was ready and she ran to her room to yell, scream, cry.

She knows she can come out whenever she wants and I've been waiting to address the way she talks to me until she has calmed down and isn't upset any more.

I guess it's pointless to by sympathetic to someone who doesn't want you to talk to them.

Right now things just feel a little crazy and out of control. We haven't been going without the time outs and 'punishments' for long and she seems to be getting upset and trying me much more since then. I know these things take time and I have to 'undo' a lot of the problems we set up by not handling her emotions properly from the beginning.

It's so hard to silence the voice of judgment I get from everyone when they see a toddler yelling at me and me not 'doing something to her' as a punishment. I have as many things to work on as she does.