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Coming out to my "queer unfriendly" husband

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
I don't even know where to begin with this, guess I'll start at the very beginning:


I came out as bisexual around age 15. I'm thankful to be able to say that my mother not only was accepting, but told me she "already knew" lol. I had a couple of girlfriends after that. Nothing too serious, but definitely meaningful to me. I eventually started to question whether I liked boys/men at all. I realized that I didn't, but for years and years I tried to fool myself. I mean, how could I be gay? How is that even possible? I pushed it to the back of my head and dealt with the weird feelings I got being in relationships with guys...not really that "lovey dovey" feeling I had with the girlfriends.
Long story short I eventually dated a guy and found out I was pregnant. We got married a little over a year later, then had our second child. Our relationship has been very off and on from the beginning. Each time we separated, mostly because of him not treating me right...no real respect for me, I began having that feeling of...peace. I would start talking to some ex-girlfriends of mine and also would start reading over some GLBT sites and finally feeling "right". But then he would beg me back or I would feel bad for leaving and would go back. The most recent time this happened he actually took my son while we were separated (which he could legally do...sadly) and I didn't see him for two months.

After the second or third time that we separated I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm gay. In fact, I'm honestly pretty happy about it (Gay about being gay? How funny!). Mostly because I'm finally being true to myself and I am finally not confused about my sexuality. The issue now is...
...I'm still married!

I would absolutely love to get up the 'man bits' to come out to him but there is one.HUGE.problem (actually two...)
He's a super conservative Christian who is very gay UNfriendly. It's surprising to me since one of his cousins is gay, but then again everyone I meet these days has a gay cousin right? He wouldn't even let his cousin's partner come to our wedding. Anyways so I just can't figure out a way to come out without absolutely feeling like wetting myself. He's a very scary guy, and is quite emotionally/psychologically abusive. He has also choked me, put his hand over my mouth, pushed me, and slapped me in the back and once in the face (the day before Christmas this past year!). He won't admit to half of it, obviously, but I can tell it's getting progressively worse even if I try to tell my friends that it has gotten better :-/.

So here I am. Nice little queer mom of two, naturally very laid back and sweet. But around him I'm stressed out and feel I'm walking on eggshells. I am terrified of how he would react to my coming out. When I've left in the past, without giving notice...just leaving, he has cried like crazy. And man, I'm a sucker for crying...

I guess at this point I'm just rambling. I just really need advice, I feel stuck.
post #2 of 10
I'm sure others will have better advice for you, but here's my $0.02.

Get out of there now. The fact that you're gay and are ready to embrace that may be the reason you want to end your relationship with this man, but the fact that he is abusive is the reason you NEED to. Get yourself and your kids somewhere safe. He likely will only become more abusive, and even if he never lays a finger on his kids, they will know that he's hurting their mom, and that's seriously damaging. His crying when you leave does not make up for the physical and emotional abuse he has put you through. Most abusers cycle through abuse and apology. He may say he wants you back and that he'll never hurt you again, but he will. Find a strong friend or family member who can help you stay strong.

You may or may not want to come out to him before the divorce and custody is settled. I'm sure there are folks who've gone through this type of thing who can speak to that. But if you feel you need to tell him, do it in a public place with a friend at your side and your kids no where near.

I wish you all the strength in the world to live your life and raise you kids in a healthy, happy, gay way.
post #3 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stolecoevoli View Post
Anyways so I just can't figure out a way to come out without absolutely feeling like wetting myself. He's a very scary guy, and is quite emotionally/psychologically abusive. He has also choked me, put his hand over my mouth, pushed me, and slapped me in the back and once in the face (the day before Christmas this past year!). He won't admit to half of it, obviously, but I can tell it's getting progressively worse even if I try to tell my friends that it has gotten better :-/.

So here I am. Nice little queer mom of two, naturally very laid back and sweet. But around him I'm stressed out and feel I'm walking on eggshells. I am terrified of how he would react to my coming out. When I've left in the past, without giving notice...just leaving, he has cried like crazy. And man, I'm a sucker for crying...

I guess at this point I'm just rambling. I just really need advice, I feel stuck.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I'm really worried about the possibility of him physically abusing you when you tell him. How could you reduce the chances of that happening? My thoughts are: have someone with you when you tell him (it would have to be someone close, and someone who could physically help protect you), tell him over the phone or via letter, or tell him in a public place (or a therapists office?). That's just off the top of my head, hopefully you can come up with something you're comfortable with. Please, please be careful.

I hope you find the strength and support to come through this relatively unscathed :
post #4 of 10
Hi Stolecoevoli,

I would advise you to get out of your marriage first without any added drama of you being gay - especially because your husband is not gay friendly and I would be afraid his scary self could appear and put you and your children in danger.

I think you need to ask yourself WHY you want to tell him. What are you going to get out of it? You said you are terrified of his reaction so why even put yourself in that situation? It seems you'd be setting yourself up to be suckered in by his upset which gets you nowhere in terms of getting out of your marriage.

You need to be strong - for you and your kids. And you all need to be in a safe environment.
post #5 of 10
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the kind words and suggestions!

I think that it's absolutely right that he doesn't need to know this right now. When things are as bad as they are, coming out is probably going to be just proding the fire. I guess I wanted to come out so that maybe I could hope he'd be understanding - but if he can't even understand simple things like why he shouldn't touch me...I don't think he'll be understanding about this at all.

Just a question, if he did find out - could that be used against me in court? The reason I ask is mostly because in NC there is a law about not living with a member of the opposite sex for one year once you've separated. If he found out I was gay and was staying with a friend that was a girl - could he try to say that it was the equivalent of living with a man? Not sure if you'd know about the legalities of it all, but figured I would ask.
post #6 of 10
I would not say one thing about your sexual preferences to him. If anyone asks, tell him what is the past in the past and you are straight now, and leave him because he's abusing you. Please, please leave him. The next time he hurts you, call the police. Document everything he's ever done. File for divorce ASAP, and custody. An abusive husband too often becomes an abusive father. Get help from domestic violence shelters and hotlines.
post #7 of 10
I agree, you need to get out of there. From what you're saying, I don't think he'll ever understand. I also think that if he does find out that he will use it against you.

If you've ever documented (with photos, or filing police reports) the abuse, I would use that to try to get full custody. Do you think a restraining order would be necessary? It sounds like things with him can escalate very quickly.

My initial gut feelings while reading your post were this:

Grab the kids

Get the heck out of dodge

Tell him nothing

Seek a GLBT friendly lawyer (In New England, we have this organization http://www.glad.org/ -- maybe they could help you find one in NC.)

Find out what your options are

Are there friends and family that would stand up and support your claims of abuse?

I suspect you will be advised against telling your husband depending on the laws in your state. My feeling is that you should never tell him and you should try to seal this up so that you keep you and your kids safe. (Honestly my inital reaction would be to find a way to keep him from the kids altogether, he sounds dangerous.)

We're all here for you!
post #8 of 10
i agree with all the PPs that you should leave him on grounds that he is abusive. Get the divorce and custody settled. Don't mention a word until well after everything else is taken care of. He sounds like a man who would 1: hurt you when you told him (talk about a bruised ego) and 2: use it against you with respect to your kids - esp. since you said he kept you form your son for 2 months in the past.

good luck. stay strong!
post #9 of 10
I don't know if this can be much help but I knew that I had to come out also, and when I did it was for me, I didn't want to hide it anymore and I didn't care what people thought, I couldn't live my life a lie anymore I had to be me! I'm not sure what the laws are where youlive but I know where I'm at my sexual intrest couldn't play a part. You need to just get out of there. Take your kids and go, be strong, do give in!!! You'll be happier in the long run. You only have one life, live it to the fullest, no regrests. By Gay and Be Happy!
post #10 of 10
I went through something sort of like this this past year. Thankfully my husband was not abusive to me, but would hurt himself in front of me instead. I would really advise getting you and your babies out of there before even thinking about breathing a word to him about being gay... It is a scary scary world where I live & the honest truth was that my husband had a better chance of getting full custody by saying I was gay than I had by saying he was emotionally abusive to me as well as physically abusive to himself. I hope that where you are is not the same, but sadly it very well may be.

I think what finally got me to cut & run wasn't just that I was ready to live my life more openly, it was more that while I could personally deal with his abuse, I did not want my son growing up thinking that that was how he should behave.

I know it is hard, trust me, I do... but you have to do what you can for your babies....

& If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me
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