I realized today I've had a GD breakthrough. As many of you know, I've been working super hard on it with my (very strong willed) children. It felt like the more I punished, the harder I pushed, the more Authoritarian I was, the worse their behavior got. I knew I needed to make a change so I posted here for help. I followed a lot of your suggestions.
I stopped doing time outs.
I stopped forcing naps (which does make for some miserable evenings, but it's better than me losing it trying to get them to sleep).
I stopped thinking about what *I* wanted my children to do and more about what *they* needed from *me*. I think this is the biggest key.
Like if they are fighting a lot, or screaming a lot. Are they bored? Do they need attention? Food? Sometimes they are just acting up for no darn reason at all, but generally when I started really thinking about it, I realized that there usually is a reason, even if it's hard to figure out at first.
Or when my 4 year old was having multiple accidents a day just to exert control over something (refusing to use the potty made her feel powerful). I stopped getting upset with her over it (despite it being a very frustrating situation), and started up her potty chart again. As soon as I started in with more positive reinforcement (and giving her extra special attention), she immediately started using the potty again.
The biggest key in all of this though, is that I HAVE TO STAY CALM. Everyone is right, once your child has you going, all bets are off and any attempt at parenting is going to fail at that point. The situation can only escalate. Of course I still lose it sometimes and yell, but I'm improving.
I discovered that my 4 year old responds remarkably well to simple reasoning. All she needs is a calm talking to with simple requests. Like, "It hurts your sister when you hit her. Do you like it when she hits you? (she always answers this with "no"). "Ok then. She doesn't like it when you hit her." I swear this is actually working. This works for screaming, random tantrums, ect.
And when all else fails, I try to accept that my kids are just going to freak out sometimes and I bust out the headphones
I'm just shocked that this stuff is actually starting to work, and it's only been a few weeks that I've been working on it intensively. And even when it doesn't work, at least I know I'm not damaging my relationship with my kids in the meantime.
I stopped doing time outs.
I stopped forcing naps (which does make for some miserable evenings, but it's better than me losing it trying to get them to sleep).
I stopped thinking about what *I* wanted my children to do and more about what *they* needed from *me*. I think this is the biggest key.
Like if they are fighting a lot, or screaming a lot. Are they bored? Do they need attention? Food? Sometimes they are just acting up for no darn reason at all, but generally when I started really thinking about it, I realized that there usually is a reason, even if it's hard to figure out at first.
Or when my 4 year old was having multiple accidents a day just to exert control over something (refusing to use the potty made her feel powerful). I stopped getting upset with her over it (despite it being a very frustrating situation), and started up her potty chart again. As soon as I started in with more positive reinforcement (and giving her extra special attention), she immediately started using the potty again.
The biggest key in all of this though, is that I HAVE TO STAY CALM. Everyone is right, once your child has you going, all bets are off and any attempt at parenting is going to fail at that point. The situation can only escalate. Of course I still lose it sometimes and yell, but I'm improving.
I discovered that my 4 year old responds remarkably well to simple reasoning. All she needs is a calm talking to with simple requests. Like, "It hurts your sister when you hit her. Do you like it when she hits you? (she always answers this with "no"). "Ok then. She doesn't like it when you hit her." I swear this is actually working. This works for screaming, random tantrums, ect.
And when all else fails, I try to accept that my kids are just going to freak out sometimes and I bust out the headphones
I'm just shocked that this stuff is actually starting to work, and it's only been a few weeks that I've been working on it intensively. And even when it doesn't work, at least I know I'm not damaging my relationship with my kids in the meantime.
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