"I just don't enjoy my children anymore"

[gbailey]

I was in the park tonight and met another mom. She was with her two adorable boys and I guess she felt comfortable right away with me because she spilled all of her personal issues. She told me she no longer enjoys her children (15 months and 3 years old) and that she is still suffering from post partum depression and just can't do it all anymore.

I really didn't know what to say to her except to please speak to someone because post partum is treatable and to remember she can't do it all. She has a lot of support from her mother so I thought this was good but it made me feel really sad for her. She kept repeating, "I just don't enjoy them anymore." It's tough to dole out advice to someone you don't know. I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

As stressed out as I get, I have never not enjoyed DD so I really felt bad for this woman.

[heatherdeg]

I read the title of the thread and instantly thought "depression cry for help". She was undoubtedly just so far gone that she's reaching out to anyone.

I hope she listened to you and got help. Truly there wasn't much else you could do without knowing who she was--ya know?

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

I read the title of the thread and instantly thought "depression cry for help". She was undoubtedly just so far gone that she's reaching out to anyone.

I hope she listened to you and got help. Truly there wasn't much else you could do without knowing who she was--ya know?

I really wanted to give her a hug and I should have. Just putting her two kids in the stroller she had seemed to stress her out. Poor thing. I hope I run into her again when she is feeling better.

[momma_unlimited]

Chances are she really doesn't enjoy *herself* and that is why she can't enjoy her kids, you know? It can be so hard to come to terms with your own role changes as a person when you become a mother. I remember hearing a woman speak at a conference and she said "There is a difference between loving your children and loving mothering"! It really rang true for me and I realized, people tend to enjoy and be good at what they love, so I really need to fall in love with the role of mothering if I want to be a good and happy mother.

[RunAround]

Just being able to be honest probably helped that mom a bit.

I have 2 kids close in age. At that point, well, this is how I felt, too. My oldest has special challenges and my youngest ain't exactly Mr. Laid Back America, either. In fact, at those ages, I started therapy because I really needed the opportunity to discuss how much mothering SUCKED at the moment.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that the biggest reason mothers have a hard time getting help is that the other mothers are always feeling bad for us because, gee, golly, they can't imagine being to the point of not enjoying their kids. We're supposed to fall in love with mothering and those who don't are considered "less than" when it doesn't happen. Parenthood is not unlike having an arranged marriage and being told repeatedly by other wives that it will eventually work out and they grew to love ol' what's-his-face. Well...what if it doesn't?

I hope that mom does get some help. And, I'm glad she saw something in you that gave her a safe moment to share.

[Norasmomma]

I've said this before, actually a few weeks ago. Truth be told-I wasn't enjoying DD at that moment at all. We were constatly in a state of turmoil and I was in my first tri so I was weak, tired and seriously just needed help. It took DH taking a couple "metal health" days for me to sleep.

Maybe this woman beyond the PPD also has zero support, she porbably needs a break. Being with children 24/7 can make anyone not really enjoy them. Plus with those ages I can totally see how it taxing it could be for her. My DD was HORRID at 15 months, I wore her in a Ergo for nearly 4 months because of her flippin eye teeth taking forever to come in. It just wasn't that fun, plus throw in a 3 y/o too, I can see why she may be suffering. Plus the sleep deprivation makes life just suck at times. Losing yourself somewhere in it too, that can be a major loss, like a part of who you are has died. She could be grieving at tthe loss of her own identity.

It sound like she needs some help, but maybe not just from a professional point, but that of a break. She probably needs a refresher moment to rekindle that passion for being a mom.

[OkiMom]

I feel like this at times. I love my girls but I'm exhausted with no help. My husband works really long hours and has to leave for weeks at a time. Its hard to be on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week with the only end in sight being a year and a half from now (we go back to the states then and have family near both the places we might be stationed). Dh can't take leave because of the command his in, he can only take leave one month a year (December) and since its holidays its kind of useless for him to take leave then. There are days I just want to shut the door and crawl in bed (wait, there are days that I do do that.. kids are with me though, I wouldn't' leave them alone).
I know I have PPD but the counselor won't see you over here unless you agree to meds and depression meds cause issues for me. Its hard. I feel really bad for that poor woman because I know where shes coming from. I hope she can get the help she needs.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by OkiMom

I feel like this at times. I love my girls but I'm exhausted with no help. My husband works really long hours and has to leave for weeks at a time. Its hard to be on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week with the only end in sight being a year and a half from now (we go back to the states then and have family near both the places we might be stationed). Dh can't take leave because of the command his in, he can only take leave one month a year (December) and since its holidays its kind of useless for him to take leave then. There are days I just want to shut the door and crawl in bed (wait, there are days that I do do that.. kids are with me though, I wouldn't' leave them alone).
I know I have PPD but the counselor won't see you over here unless you agree to meds and depression meds cause issues for me. Its hard. I feel really bad for that poor woman because I know where shes coming from. I hope she can get the help she needs.

I hope you can find someone to talk to who is okay without you taking meds. If you were in NY, I'd be happy to come over and help with the kids so you can take a nap or just relax.

[*Erin*]

maybe she felt overwhelmed and burnt out like alot of us feel sometimes and she was really just bluntly honest in the moment? i have said stuff like that before when i felt like i was with someone who could empathize. her kids are awfully little, and close together in age, and probably a heck of handful, especially if she doesnt have a whole lot of help. or maybe there are sleep issues with one or both of the LO's. maybe she is POOPED. i don't think she is neccessarily clinically depressed for expressing that i think you must be a good listener! i hope she got some relief speaking how she was feeling out loud, and that today was a better day for her.

[Maggirayne]

I'm glad she felt safe enough to talk to you. It is hard to find someone you feel safe with. I know when I've been in a place like that--so tired/broken/depressed feeling, that I desperately needed someone to crawl in with me. I hope you can reconnect with her and encourage her. I'd love to have you for a friend.

And it is hard to ask for help. I know I rationalize why it's too inconvienent for this person to help, and I'm not comfortable with this person helping me and on and on, and sometimes I really do need help.

[zinemama]

You don't have to have PPD, regular old depression or any kind of mental issues at all to feel this way as a parent. Every mother I know has said this at one point or another. Parenthood can be a long, hard slog.

It's good you were there to listen.

[Lilasmom]

I love my kids, but there are definately moments when I've thought this way. I haven't ever felt brave enough to admit it though, except very recently to my closest friend -- when I told her how guilty I feel that I don't enjoy parenthood more. I think there is an expectation out there that something is wrong with you if you go through periods of disappointment or have difficulty adjusting. Parenthood is a real challenge for me. I used to be quoted in the Economist, and now I can barely string together a coherent sentence. My brain has turned to mush. My identity has completely changed (I'm a SAHM now) and my children are incredible, but also incredibly challenging. I have lowered my standards in a lot of ways, which is a disappointment but also a relief. I had clear expectations about what I would do as a parent, and how I would parent, and I've just had to learn to mellow out and go with the flow a lot more. Parenthood has often brought me to my knees in feelings of defeat. And these feelings are one of the reasons I participate in these discussions -- to get ideas on how to handle difficult situations, and to help with the isolation of staying home with two little ones.

Just another mom's perspective on that conversation at the park.

[Lisa1970]

 I feel bad for her. I am glad you were kind to her in your response. I hope she can get better, feel better. What a sad place to be in.

[3xMama]

I totally feel for this woman. Suffering through PPD can be hell. I hope she gets some help and takes a break. She definately deserves it! I'm definately glad she was able to reach out to someone and that that someone was compassionate, nonjudgemental and supportive! :)

Here's hoping you run into her again in a couple months to find her refreshed and feeling good again!

[Stacey12]

That's sad to hear.  I hope she is OK.  There's obviously some sort of issue going on with her psychologically.

Maybe the oxytocin wore off... should still feel uncondtional love towards your child.

[tireesix]

I gotta sick husband, 3 kids, one of whom is sick, we are working out getting my step son to live with us and on top of that I am sick. We are fighting to get back my disability payments and ni the mean time, I have to every thing because no one else can but it leaves me drained and sore and fed up, the kids have a 60% attendance rate at school because I simply can't get them there all the time and I don't get any help with transport and you know what, I am am tired and don't enjoy my kids anymore. Its not that I don't love them, its simply that I am too tired. I get up, take them to school, come back, go to bed, get up, make dinner, go to bed, get up, take them to school, come home, go to bed. Except for adding in a it of house work, that is essentially it for me. Things could be radically different if I actually had my disability payment s coming in because I could taxi them to school and save some energy etc.

I dunno, she didn't say she didn't love them, she said she didn't enjoy them and I can totally understand that, I expect my kids don't enjoy me, doesn't mean they don't love me, I am simply not as fun as when I was more able.

If I get a few days off school with the girls, its a different matter, I can do a bit more with them because I am not having to get up at 6am and walk them to school. We don't have any family who can help out and the friends I have are disabled as well (lolol).

I love my kids, I am proud of them (DD1 wants to be a computer game designer, she is 6 and DD2 who is 5 wants to be a volcanologist, DD3 is only 2 so hasn't decided what she wants to be, I am just happy to have 2 kids whos instant response isn't 'I want to be a famous singer' lolol or 'I want to be a WAG'), I want the best for them, I love to hold them and talk to them but every day is a major drag, every day involves stupid amounts of pain and fatigue and its not so much me not enjoying the kids, its just that I do not enjoy life, my kids make my life better but I am sure their lives would be better if I weren't in it, all I do is drag them down. I want to be able to have fun times with the girls but I am too tired, I make the most of it when I am having a bit of a reprieve from the fibro which is rare, we go out to the cinema, walks, go shopping etc, unfortunately the reprieves from fibro are getting rarer and rarer and I sometimes hear my kids saying that Daddy is more than me, which is true, but then daddy doesn't do anything ever because I have to do it all because he can't, so he will have a few clear, kinda ok hours in a day in order to do things and now I am rambling.

I understand the lady, its not that she doesn't love her kids, but she doesn't feel loved, she doesn't ffel appreciated, she is tired, she has the same thing to do every day and she is probably low on self esteem and energy and everything else. She loves her kids, thats why she is still here with them.......

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by *Erin* 

maybe she felt overwhelmed and burnt out like alot of us feel sometimes and she was really just bluntly honest in the moment? i have said stuff like that before when i felt like i was with someone who could empathize. her kids are awfully little, and close together in age, and probably a heck of handful, especially if she doesnt have a whole lot of help. or maybe there are sleep issues with one or both of the LO's. maybe she is POOPED. i don't think she is neccessarily clinically depressed for expressing that i think you must be a good listener! i hope she got some relief speaking how she was feeling out loud, and that today was a better day for her.

I agree with this.  There are many draining parts of being a mom and there are stages that I just would never risk repeating by having another child.  There are also many wonderful parts of being a mom.  You seem to draw the burnt out moms to you, maybe you are just a really great listener and they sense that off the bat or maybe you are the first adult they have talked to in a long time.  I know that when I was stuck at home all the time I sometimes over shared when I was around other adults because I was so isolated and it was so nice to talk to someone who didn't whine for something, require constant supervision, or pick their nose and eat their buggers while you were talking.

[kawa kamuri]

I always figured that most moms with more than one child feel this way from time to time and/or for stretches of time 

Edited by kawa kamuri - 12/19/10 at 4:26pm

[Smokering]

You don't have to have PPD, regular old depression or any kind of mental issues at all to feel this way as a parent. Every mother I know has said this at one point or another. Parenthood can be a long, hard slog.

Indeed.

I am depressed at the moment, and while I wouldn't say I never enjoy DD, I only enjoy her in short bursts. A lot of the time she's just... there... and a fair bit of the time she's actively annoying me and/or making me feel overwhelmed, resentful, guilty, irritable or a combination of them all. But even when I was less depressed - I'm not sure I've been officially not depressed since she was born - there were plenty of times I didn't enjoy her. That's just life. I don't see how one should be expected to "enjoy" carrying around a wailing infant, being woken up for the umpteenth time in the night, choosing between a shower and a non-screaming toddler, dealing with tantrums in the supermarket, making yet another sandwich... and sometimes, it feels like that's all there is.

[MamieCole]

Originally Posted by Lilasmom 

I love my kids, but there are definately moments when I've thought this way. I haven't ever felt brave enough to admit it though, except very recently to my closest friend -- when I told her how guilty I feel that I don't enjoy parenthood more. I think there is an expectation out there that something is wrong with you if you go through periods of disappointment or have difficulty adjusting. Parenthood is a real challenge for me. I used to be quoted in the Economist, and now I can barely string together a coherent sentence. My brain has turned to mush. My identity has completely changed (I'm a SAHM now) and my children are incredible, but also incredibly challenging. I have lowered my standards in a lot of ways, which is a disappointment but also a relief. I had clear expectations about what I would do as a parent, and how I would parent, and I've just had to learn to mellow out and go with the flow a lot more. Parenthood has often brought me to my knees in feelings of defeat. And these feelings are one of the reasons I participate in these discussions -- to get ideas on how to handle difficult situations, and to help with the isolation of staying home with two little ones.

Just another mom's perspective on that conversation at the park.

You mean I'm not the only mom who feels like I've turned into the Scarecrow from WoO? (If I only had a brain!)    I have memories of being intelligent. I can recall being able to communicate in actual words rather than with gestures and grunts. I'm really hoping that my brain actually WORKS again some day.

Parenting is hard work. Some days are great. Some days suck eggs. Some days (most days) I can look at my kids and appreciate the wonderfulness of them. Some days I wish I had a receipt and could return them for a nice new refrigerator or something. (I know I'd change my mind before completing the transaction, so no tomatoes please. Unless the fridge was stainless and had ice and water in the door and was one of those freezer on the bottom/double doors on the top models, then I'd have to think about it.) 

I honestly think anyone who is a parent and says they have NEVER felt this way is...well, not being honest. 

It sounds like the lady at the park might have a clinical case of PPD, which is an entirely different and more serious issue. I really hope she can get help. Hopefully just talking to the OP was a great release and comfort for her.