Just read this book and WOW!

[BCFD]

I was reading some of the GD threads and saw a book recommendation "Mom, Jason's breathing on me" and at first I was a little put off (especially the part where the author says it's ok to ignore it when your kids are pounding on each other! YIKES!), but I was so in love with this book that I read the entire thing last night.

I was just wondering if anybody has read this book and a) what do you think and b) does it work?

My 3 and 4 y.o.'s were bickering this am, tattling, screaming, etc. I simply ignored it and when they asked me to intervene, I simply said, "Oh no! That sounds awful!" or "Oh, that must have been unpleasant for you!" They sat and looked like, "Wait. What's going on here?" They have been PERFECT little angels all day and playing and laughing their heads off with each other because I am not being emotionally sucked in. Their bickering drives me bonkers, but when I give all the power back to them it felt so GOOD!!! WOW!

Lets talk about this one!

[doublyblessed]

that is great! i find that when i respond in this way to various issues i also get this magical response/behavior from then on...interesting! i haven't read that book nor heard of it but i will check it out since i now have 2 little ones...

Originally Posted by BCFD

I was reading some of the GD threads and saw a book recommendation "Mom, Jason's breathing on me" and at first I was a little put off (especially the part where the author says it's ok to ignore it when your kids are pounding on each other! YIKES!), but I was so in love with this book that I read the entire thing last night.

I was just wondering if anybody has read this book and a) what do you think and b) does it work?

My 3 and 4 y.o.'s were bickering this am, tattling, screaming, etc. I simply ignored it and when they asked me to intervene, I simply said, "Oh no! That sounds awful!" or "Oh, that must have been unpleasant for you!" They sat and looked like, "Wait. What's going on here?" They have been PERFECT little angels all day and playing and laughing their heads off with each other because I am not being emotionally sucked in. Their bickering drives me bonkers, but when I give all the power back to them it felt so GOOD!!! WOW!

Lets talk about this one!

[~PurityLake~]

There have certainly been times when this has worked for me. I can sense when they're just fighting with each other to get my attention. I try to acknowledge the situation without 'taking sides' and then in a few minutes give them each some attention that has nothing to do with their quarreling.

[The4OfUs]

I love this one, I have it myself. I have finally started doing this non-engaging with the kids, unless they're hurting each other (I just can't let that go, but I separate and tell them BOTH to knock it off instead of focusing on one or the other; if I feel there was a one-sided thing, I talk to them separately in private after the incident, like later in the day). But when we're home and it's just us, I've largely started telling them to work it out together or something like, "Hmm, that sounds hard" instead of trying to fix everything, now that they're both getting older and the youngest is more able to talk and express herself so that big bro can actually understand her. She's had a pretty big language explosion just in the past couple weeks so I feel like I'm able to start transitioning them from me being so involved.

I love Wolfe's writing, his explanations, and 'scripts' as guidelines.

[schoolmom07]

I have a book called "Positive Parenting with a Plan"

This book is geared towards K-12 written by a psychologist who is also a social worker. He seems to be a Christian parent and the foreward is written by a M.D. I love the book and even tried it out but I failed simply because I am so inconsistant. It worked for the time that I did use it and I would love to become more consistant in my parenting. Any suggestions?

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by BCFD

I was reading some of the GD threads and saw a book recommendation "Mom, Jason's breathing on me" and at first I was a little put off (especially the part where the author says it's ok to ignore it when your kids are pounding on each other! YIKES!), but I was so in love with this book that I read the entire thing last night.

did it really say that it was OK to ignore it when your kids hit each other? I've read it (and liked it), and I could swear he said that when there's physical violence (hitting), you separate the kids without naming a culprit. That's what we do, anyway.

I've also 'amended' his approach to include separation when the words become 'violent'. I think that hurtful words can be as damaging as hitting. So, I separate the kids for that too.

I liked it because it really reinforced the idea that a lot of sibling bickering can be dealt with by not putting yourself in the middle. If the bickering is a bid for attention this will help. I think it also empowers the kids by validating their feelings but still letting them work out the situation.

I do think that you need to spend some time investing in helping your kids learn the skills for working things out verbally. I also think it's unrealistic for this approach to work much before kids are about 4 (so a 2 year old and a 5 year old can't work things out for themselves).

But it really does help me get over trying to place 'blame' on someone and having my kids feel misunderstood. I'm listening to their side.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

did it really say that it was OK to ignore it when your kids hit each other? I've read it (and liked it), and I could swear he said that when there's physical violence (hitting), you separate the kids without naming a culprit. That's what we do, anyway.

I think that's his general message too, though I remember recently reading a passage about someone listening to some older kids (young teens) kind of scuffling on the basketball court and the parent listening for it to escalate too much, but staying out of it while it was just them working out the dynamic and doing a bit of shoving. I think that's a little different than not addressing younger kids. We do the same thing you do, separate them when they're tussling. Also, to me, tussling is different than when I see one kid as the sole aggressor. I handle that differently than when I see them both going at each other.