what do you say when they yell at you?

[snoopy5386]

So my almost 3 year old has started yelling at us, when she is mad, when she wants us to do something, when she doesn't want to do something, etc. I am at a loss for how to respond besides saying "don't yell at me", "it isn't nice to yell", "we don't yell at people", "yelling hurts my feelings", etc. DH grabs her and yells back at her which I keep telling him won't help. What else to say or do? We are reading unconditional parenting right now so I'd love to know how to handle it that vein. We do occasionally yell at her (what parent doesn't?) but not frequently by any means, a few times a month or so. I am working on stopping but it is hard. She has taken to yelling at us several times a day.An example - The latest was a few minutes ago, she was yelling at me saying we don't have time for you to brush my hair (We are going to the store after I finish this post).
Advice??

[ChaoticMum]

I tell them that its not nice to yell, and I will listen when they speak to me calmly. The quieter I say this and the lower I get physically seems to work better. I then turn around and continue with what I'm doing. They may still yet, but when they don't get a response, they do learn that they GET a response by speaking calmly. They need daily reminders tho...but it helps ME to stay calm and not yell back.

[SharonAnne]

I read Connection Parenting by Pam Leo and got a great phrase that we all use in my family. "Please talk to me like I'm someone you love." I told DD1 to say that to me when I yelled at her to remind me that I'm not acting lovingly towards her. It works the other way, as well. DH and I have even said it to each other when one of us is starting to get a little "testy" with the other.

[ann_of_loxley]

"I can hear/see you are very upset..."

If you know what it is - talk about it. Dont 'tell' her, ask her (at this age, it engages them in conversation rather than you just assuming - they need to talk about it at this age rather than you telling them how they feel or why they feel that way). "Are you feeling a bit angry that.../Are you feeling a bit sad that/Are you upset because..." etc. Maybe your child is old enough and has vocabulary enough to simply say 'Would you like to talk about it/I will listen to you/ I am here for you'.

If you don't know - just sit and listen. Even if you do know, if your child still responds and clearly does not want to 'talk' about it, perhaps that is just because they only want you to listen and be there or them until the storm passes (and then perhaps you can talk about it but don't dwell or make bigger a deal that it was to them!)

Unconditional = She needs to know you will listen to her and hear her and still be there for her (etc) no matter what - even during the worst of times. Don't tell her what to do/and/or ignore her unless she speaks/behaves otherwise because that is being conditional. It says 'hey you are a ghost to me until you say the magic words/until you please me/until you behave in a certain way/etc'

Its annoying. It also personally hurts me when someone yells at me because of my own childhood. Thats my inner issue to deal with and has nothing to do with my son.

Sometimes my son is just impatient and being demanding because of that. 'I can see you are trying hard to wait...' etc (I find in this situation it helps to let my son know exactly what I am doing and how when I am finished then I can do what he has asked such as 'I am just the toilet and after I wash my hands then I can make you some toast - I am washing my hands now, I can make your toast soon, I am not making your toast...or something like that)

I think sometimes we worry that if we dont actually tell/speak aloud - that what our children is doing is wrong/bad/whatever...that it will never stop and that they will not know oterwise. I have found that this is not true. If I just respond to my child as if he did not yell at me. If I listen. If I show I love him unconditionally (by doing all these things and not making the situation conditional) - no matter what. Love him and respond to him and just accept who he is. He soon learns that I will never change, even if he does - that he does not have to yell at me (that he himself does not have to change) to let me know how he is feeling/what he wants. etc.

It passes - trust me!

[ChaoticMum]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

"I can hear/see you are very upset..."

If you know what it is - talk about it. Dont 'tell' her, ask her (at this age, it engages them in conversation rather than you just assuming - they need to talk about it at this age rather than you telling them how they feel or why they feel that way). "Are you feeling a bit angry that.../Are you feeling a bit sad that/Are you upset because..." etc. Maybe your child is old enough and has vocabulary enough to simply say 'Would you like to talk about it/I will listen to you/ I am here for you'.

If you don't know - just sit and listen. Even if you do know, if your child still responds and clearly does not want to 'talk' about it, perhaps that is just because they only want you to listen and be there or them until the storm passes (and then perhaps you can talk about it but don't dwell or make bigger a deal that it was to them!)

Unconditional = She needs to know you will listen to her and hear her and still be there for her (etc) no matter what - even during the worst of times. Don't tell her what to do/and/or ignore her unless she speaks/behaves otherwise because that is being conditional. It says 'hey you are a ghost to me until you say the magic words/until you please me/until you behave in a certain way/etc'

Its annoying. It also personally hurts me when someone yells at me because of my own childhood. Thats my inner issue to deal with and has nothing to do with my son.

Sometimes my son is just impatient and being demanding because of that. 'I can see you are trying hard to wait...' etc (I find in this situation it helps to let my son know exactly what I am doing and how when I am finished then I can do what he has asked such as 'I am just the toilet and after I wash my hands then I can make you some toast - I am washing my hands now, I can make your toast soon, I am not making your toast...or something like that)

I think sometimes we worry that if we dont actually tell/speak aloud - that what our children is doing is wrong/bad/whatever...that it will never stop and that they will not know oterwise. I have found that this is not true. If I just respond to my child as if he did not yell at me. If I listen. If I show I love him unconditionally (by doing all these things and not making the situation conditional) - no matter what. Love him and respond to him and just accept who he is. He soon learns that I will never change, even if he does - that he does not have to yell at me (that he himself does not have to change) to let me know how he is feeling/what he wants. etc.

It passes - trust me!

Yah, That! LOL That is sooooo much more and totally what I wanted to say, but was having a major brain fart!

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by SharonAnne

I read Connection Parenting by Pam Leo and got a great phrase that we all use in my family. "Please talk to me like I'm someone you love." I told DD1 to say that to me when I yelled at her to remind me that I'm not acting lovingly towards her. It works the other way, as well. DH and I have even said it to each other when one of us is starting to get a little "testy" with the other.

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

"I can hear/see you are very upset..."

If you know what it is - talk about it. Dont 'tell' her, ask her (at this age, it engages them in conversation rather than you just assuming - they need to talk about it at this age rather than you telling them how they feel or why they feel that way). "Are you feeling a bit angry that.../Are you feeling a bit sad that/Are you upset because..." etc. Maybe your child is old enough and has vocabulary enough to simply say 'Would you like to talk about it/I will listen to you/ I am here for you'.

If you don't know - just sit and listen. Even if you do know, if your child still responds and clearly does not want to 'talk' about it, perhaps that is just because they only want you to listen and be there or them until the storm passes (and then perhaps you can talk about it but don't dwell or make bigger a deal that it was to them!)

Unconditional = She needs to know you will listen to her and hear her and still be there for her (etc) no matter what - even during the worst of times. Don't tell her what to do/and/or ignore her unless she speaks/behaves otherwise because that is being conditional. It says 'hey you are a ghost to me until you say the magic words/until you please me/until you behave in a certain way/etc'

Its annoying. It also personally hurts me when someone yells at me because of my own childhood. Thats my inner issue to deal with and has nothing to do with my son.

Sometimes my son is just impatient and being demanding because of that. 'I can see you are trying hard to wait...' etc (I find in this situation it helps to let my son know exactly what I am doing and how when I am finished then I can do what he has asked such as 'I am just the toilet and after I wash my hands then I can make you some toast - I am washing my hands now, I can make your toast soon, I am not making your toast...or something like that)

I think sometimes we worry that if we dont actually tell/speak aloud - that what our children is doing is wrong/bad/whatever...that it will never stop and that they will not know oterwise. I have found that this is not true. If I just respond to my child as if he did not yell at me. If I listen. If I show I love him unconditionally (by doing all these things and not making the situation conditional) - no matter what. Love him and respond to him and just accept who he is. He soon learns that I will never change, even if he does - that he does not have to yell at me (that he himself does not have to change) to let me know how he is feeling/what he wants. etc.

It passes - trust me!

[doublyblessed]

wow, if you and dh are only yelling a few times a month that is great!!! it will be much easier for you guys to nip that in the bud... the more you keep yelling, the more your dd will too... so really, you can't blame her for doing so or expect her to do anything but. although even if you both never yell at her she is still 3 and that is just what most of them do to communicate when frustrated/hungry/tired, etc. hmmm what to do when they yell is a good question...i would just say ouch, that hurts my ears so much. maybe we should go outside and have a race or go scream like banshees into our pillow or...__________________(insert activity here)??? oh i just though of another thing you could do...be playful all of a sudden. maybe crank some tunes and dance real silly and put something funny on your head or do what you can to make her smile/laugh...you know what might work. sometimes even that doesn't work...lol so ya gotta get creative. maybe tone it down and read a book with her...or finger paint or take a walk and look for funny birds...that might make her curious as to what you mean...which is just bein' creative and playful, right? yeah...the sky is the limit!

i agree w/ ann of loxley...say stuff like 'you look like you might be feeling angry...would you like to talk about it...' or 'gosh that sounds like how i feel when i feel______' 'is that how YOU are feeling?' they might run away and yell again and refuse to talk. then i'm sure she will come back and want to be together and snuggle or do something fun... i also love what sharonanne said about 'please talk to me like someone you love'. i love connection parenting...that is a great book too!!!

that is great that you are reading (and the BOTH of you...wooohooo!) UP! i could not get my ex to read that. all he wanted to read was joel osteen's book about having your best life now...pfff. he's sooo self absorbed and self righteous...anyway enough of him. ick.

keep us posted on how its goin'! and good for you to start living in a UP way when your dd is still so young...i wish i'd kept it up all this time but i've fallen back on CP and all i can say is its hurt my dd's AND my hearts...no more of that, that is for sure.

how does your dd respond to UP so far?

kudos, mama!

[ssh]

I don't use as many words as 'ann of loxley', but my DD, age 3, is very busy and wouldn't listen to alot of words. I basically say, "Wow, you sound angry. What's wrong." . Sometimes if she is extremely upset I just ask her if she's ok or ask if she need milkies and snuggles. We don't really yell unless injured or badly startled, so I feel she knows it's not acceptable. If I yell at her I apologize and explain why (I'm so sorry I yelled, but mommy wasn't frightened, that was very dangerous). I know when she yells it's because she can't deal with her emotions. Since it's a loss of control for her I'm supportive instead of disapproving.

[GuildJenn]

I kind of do a combo approach. My son is okay with handling two things at once. So usually it goes like this:

Son: AHSDFSD

Me: (stern but calm): I DO NOT like it when you yell at me. (less stern) You must be very angry/frustrated.

[Slabobbin]

I have no problem with my child "feeling like a ghost" until she can talk to me in a respectful way. But I would also have no problem with her telling ME that she doesn't like to be yelled at...so it works both ways with me. I'm not about to just crank up some music or some such when someone is being disrespectful to me.

I LOVE the "please talk to me like I am someone you love" phrase! I am going to start using that and would have no problem with my children using it with me. I am betting that it would probably stop me in my tracks if I were getting impatient or testy with them.

[BonMaman]

Originally Posted by Slabobbin

I LOVE the "please talk to me like I am someone you love" phrase! I am going to start using that and would have no problem with my children using it with me. I am betting that it would probably stop me in my tracks if I were getting impatient or testy with them.

ditto

[SharonAnne]

I LOVE the "please talk to me like I am someone you love" phrase! I am going to start using that and would have no problem with my children using it with me. I am betting that it would probably stop me in my tracks if I were getting impatient or testy with them.

Seriously, the first time she said it to me, I nearly cried. But it did exactly what it's supposed to do; reminded me that I love this little monkey, and she's not feeling very loved right now. We took a deep breath, rewound, and replayed whatever it was that had gotten me so upset. I don't even remember what it was now.

And, like I said, it works for her too. When she's screaming at me, I can say that, and she will often, now, say "BUT I AM SO ANGRY!!!" and then we direct her anger at something else.

I mean, you know, sometimes, we just have to yell. We're a loud family. So there have been lots of times when DD1 and I have gone in the backyard together and just YELLED : The key is to not yell AT each other. We generally end up giggling our tails off once that angry energy is all spent.