Help with my 2 yr old

[Grace and Granola]

I'll start by saying that my first ds is 3.5 and was a very "compliant" child up until age 3. He almost always just did what I asked, and if he didn't, I could use something creative to help him along and it would work. But, now I have this 2 yr old ds, who is just so opposite. I'm out of ideas, and constantly losing my cool with him, and I just don't feel as close with him as a result, because I feel like he is always pushing my buttons instead of going along so we can do fun things together. He is really bright and very verbal for a new 2 yr old. I really need some suggestions. I'm just too exhausted to conjure up my gd techniques right now! Here are some examples:

Me: N, come here for a diaper change! (in a very pleasant tone)
N: No (very calmly)
Me: If you get your diaper changed, then we can go outside and play
N: (Silence, while continuing his play)
Eventually, I might demand him to come in an unpleasant tone, or just go and pick him up and carry him while he screams. (this is not just for diaper changes!)

*****
Boys are playing with sea shells, and N starts throwing them in the air.
Me: N, please be gentle with the shells or they could break
N: says nothing, but two minutes later starts tossing the shells again
Me: N, we do not throw shells, that could hurt someone
N: Ok....then throws shells again
Me: N, come here please. He comes over, and I say very calmly...N, please be gentle with the shells, no more throwing
N: ok...then throws shells again. Then of course I have to take the shells away. The part that bothers me the most is that he says, ok, and then immediately throws them again. He doesn't protest my direction, just goes against it!

Even when we're doing things like reading a book, with my first ds, I could go through a book and say A is for apple, B is for Bear, and point to each picture and he would sit and read the book with me. But with ds2, it's A is for---MOMMY CAT, ok then C is for Ca----MOMMY APPLE, Yes, A is for app---MOMMY LET ME RIP THE BOOK OUT OF YOUR HANDS AND THROW IT ACROSS THE ROOM!!!!!!

I try to make our home an environment where he can have as many choices as possible. But, it is like every simple request I make he goes in the opposite direction. And I feel like I am constantly being negative towards him. I know there are some logical gd principles I should be using, but I'm all tapped out. :

[KBinSATX]

I don't have good ideas for correcting bad behavior but what I noticed is this:
If I correct behavior and focus on the 'abd' stuff I seem to get a whole lto of bad stuff. I am mad, the kid is angry/sad/upset.
But if I make an effort to notice when something that's usually a trouble spot turns out well and focus on that it sort of breeds more good behavior.
Like in the store when he actually listens I'll let him know how much I appreciate him listening, etc. rather than just call on him when he doesn't.
Or I'll tell DH (in front od DS) something DS did really well that day behavior-wise that might have been a challenge before.

[Romana]

Sounds a lot like my first child (my second, so far, is much more easygoing).

Most important thing is to have a sense of humor.

Next, create a "yes" environment. Evaluate and accept your son's limits. i.e., the shells should not be available for play. If he is throwing things and not "getting" your direction to stop, provide him only with materials that are ok for throwing. As he gets older, he'll learn the "no throwing" lesson, but at the moment, he's not getting it. So don't give him anything that would hurt someone or break if he threw it (we had about a 6-12 month period of soft toys only, including some foam blocks we found at Toys R Us). He will EVENTUALLY get the idea, but not by punishing him repeatedly for throwing. Try not to give him opportunities to screw up, because the fact is that while he can hear you, and perhaps understand, once he returns to his activity he really could care less what you said. These kids often have a big "WHY?" thing going on. Your explanation of "You could hurt someone and you could break the shells" is immaterial and irrelevant until someone does get hurt or the shells do get broken. And even then, when it comes up again, he'll still need to try again because he's pretty sure that this time he can throw the shells without breaking them or hurting anyone.

I know it's frustrating to deal with a kid like this. Apply your great sense of humor, try to keep things fun, and create that "yes" environment. It will be a different "yes" environment than the one your more compliant child needed.

And, finally, yes, he will require far more patience and effort that the more compliant child. We still spend 90-95% of our time and energy on Spirited Child in comparison to Compliant Child. You can do it.

If you have more specific instances wondering what you could do or what we might have done, just let me know - I'd be happy to share.

[Romana]

Just wanted to add that the book thing is so familiar. My first child only wanted to eat, tear or throw the books. My second child loves just sitting in my lap and turning the pages. My first child STILL cannot make it all the way through a book. She gets about halfway and then SHE wants to read it to me. Ok, I am all about that independence.

I try to recognize her strengths and praise them. Like independence, strength, courage. She has all of those in spades. And we work slowly on things like patience, obedience (ha! hahahahahahaha), and respect for others.

[Romana]

One more thing . . . don't let it exasperate you. Expect a lot of resistence. Expect to be questioned and disobeyed. The child is trying things, experimenting. Doesn't take no for an answer. These are good traits and part of his personality that you don't want to train out (if you could, which is debatable). So expect that kind of resistance and work around it, and accept it as part of who he is. He will probably always be doing this, on some level.

[Romana]

I put some of my thoughts in more detail in this thread, if it helps at all:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1053828

[Grace and Granola]

Thank you for all of the great reminders! I do recognize that alot of these traits will be beneficial to him when he gets older, it is just SO hard to appreciate them right now!

As far as creating a YES environment, I do the best I can. But it is very hard when there is an older child. My boys are only 17 months apart, so I cannot very well tell my 3 yr old that he cannot play with his shells because of little brother. I can't keep my 3 yr old from painting, playdough, and rock collecting just because his little brother is not mature enough. I did alot of restricting on my older son when my younger son was 1 and getting into everything. Now they're at the age where they want to do everything together, it's hard to separate them and say that this activity is only for him and not for you.

I am just hoping that as he gets older I will be able to communicate with him more effectively and vice versa.

Thanks again!