behavioral problem or teachable moment? -questionaire

[Super Glue Mommy]

how do you view undesirable behavior? As a problem/set back or as a teachable moment? how do you feel it effects the way you parent and discipline?

If you view them as teachable moments, for whom are they teachable moments? Your child...yourself... everyone involved?

If you view it as a problem or a set back, who is it a problem for? yourself, your child, everyone involved?

would you say there is a difference between misbehavior and undesirable behavior? Do you think that both exist, or do you believe in one or the other?

[LynnS6]

When they happen 'undesirable' behavior is rarely a teachable moment. If my child is upset enough to hit/yell (or I am), then we're beyond teaching.

After the fact, they can be a chance for reflection/changing how we do things, but that's mostly for me. As my kids get older, they are more involved in the solutions, but they're also less likely to exhibit undesirable behavior because they have more self control.

I think it also depends on what you deem undesirable behavior. In my book, it's hitting, yelling, rudeness, not being safe. That's about it.

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

would you say there is a difference between misbehavior and undesirable behavior? Do you think that both exist, or do you believe in one or the other?

I think so - undesirable behavior is something I think my kids shouldn't do, but don't necessarily expect them to know that. For example, when dh was taking a nap, and dd started 'playing' on the piano (i.e. banging quite loudly). That was undesirable because it was going to wake dh up. But, I wouldn't expect her to know that, so I explained and asked her to stop.

Misbehavior is when she went BACK to play on the piano after I had asked her to stop, explained that daddy was sleeping and gotten her to stop the first time. My response involved less explanation and more direction. "Stop, you're going to wake daddy up. That's rude. I asked you to stop once already, and I'm angry." "But I want to play." "I know you want to play. It's hard to wait until daddy's up, but please don't wake him up." Had she continued, I would have closed the piano and escorted her from the room. She's 4 and old enough to exert some self control.

[Super Glue Mommy]

I will answer my own questions:

How do you view undesirable behavior? As a problem/set back or as a teachable moment? how do you feel it effects the way you parent and discipline?

I always view it as a teachable moment. Maybe not "in the moment" because I believe we need to connect before we correct, but I don't see "oh my child did this wrong" I see "how can I teach my child a better way for next time" Really I think its semantics for some but this way of thinking seems to change my whole attitude. I see my children as inherently good beings that I need to nourish. As blessings to guide and not control. I feel it helps me treat them with more respect, and gains more respect from them.

If you view them as teachable moments, for whom are they teachable moments? Your child...yourself... everyone involved?
Everyone involved. If my child has a tantrum they can learn how to express those feelings int he future AND I can learn about my child - what makes them tick, what unmet needs cause this reaction in them, etc. When other children are involved I can teach them how to respond to undesireable behavior from peers, as well as teach the child with the undesireable behavior how they can get their unmet needs met in the future without the undesired behavior.

would you say there is a difference between misbehavior and undesirable behavior? Do you think that both exist, or do you believe in one or the other?

I do think there is a difference, but I think that difference exists in our minds and how we look at it. I look at is as undesireable behavior (though I admit to using the terms interchangeably at times) I don't have the outlook that children are "rebellious" or "defiant" etc. There are times I feel that way, but when I reflect I am able to find the unmet need. I'm looking at the whole garden here not just a weed. When we see undesireable behavior as an unmet weed we can remove it from its root. When we see it as misbehavior we mow over it, cutting it down, but it grows back. Most importantly, in either case, we nourish the garden.

I dont think there are any right or wrong answers, I am just sharing what perspective my parenting operates from and how it effects my family dynamic. This is what works for us.

[krystyn33]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

how do you view undesirable behavior? As a problem/set back or as a teachable moment? how do you feel it effects the way you parent and discipline?

It depends on the situation, but with DS being 2 pretty much everything is a teachable moment. For me, discipline=teaching, although a great deal of that is through modeling, play and other less direct methods.

If you view them as teachable moments, for whom are they teachable moments? Your child...yourself... everyone involved?

We're all learning, all the time.

If you view it as a problem or a set back, who is it a problem for? yourself, your child, everyone involved?

This depends entirely on the situation. Pushing the cat off the table is not a problem for DS (at least until he gets scratched) but it is a problem for the cat and for me. DS has a "problem" with his behavior far less often than I or others do.

would you say there is a difference between misbehavior and undesirable behavior? Do you think that both exist, or do you believe in one or the other?

I'm not sure how I would define "misbehavior," and frankly I don't think I've seen anything yet I would classify that way. DS's "undesirable behavior" is largely developmentally appropriate--not understanding boundaries, poor impulse control, conducting social "experiments." He's yet to do anything intentionally mischievous or mean spirited. I suppose even with older children most things thought of as "misbehavior" or "problem behavior" are just the child's attempts at getting needs met--it's all opportunities to learn and connect.