Supporting a Friend w/Premie

[kbond]

I'm not 100% sure that this is the best forum for this post, but I couldn't find/think of a better one. So feel free to move this if needed.

That being said, I have a friend who just recently delivered her son at 28 weeks. I do not know a lot about premature births and am trying to (a) learn as much as I can so that I don't have to ask her and (b) be as supportive as possible.

For those of you who've had premature babies, what did you find the most supportive? Her and her husband's family are in the area so I feel like they are getting a lot of support there with taking care of the house and food. My husband is her co-worker (they're both 8th grade math teachers), and he's helping out her sub, doing her grading, and doing her lesson planning. Which is a big help, I know....but I feel like there should be more that we can do.

We just went over for a first visit today, and the baby was born on the 17th. On the one hand, I worry that this shows that we don't really care. On the other hand, they have to be feeling overwhelmed, and we don't want to force ourselves on them. Is our first inclination to not go over/call too much the right one? Should we be giving them space while letting them know that they can call us if they need? Or, should we check-in every 2 weeks or so?

Also, should we try and not bring our daughter over when we visit? She's almost 7 months old so she still needs me a lot of the time, but I worry that seeing a healthy, young baby when yours is not, especially so close to the experience, could be hurtful.

Any advice or stories would be welcome....I just feel so lost in trying to figure out what we should be doing from the outside here.

[Lousli]

There is a preemie/NICU forum here (I believe it is under the heading ages and stages). There is an awesome sticky about what was helpful to all of us when we had babies in the NICU, with stories about things people did/didn't do and said/didn't say that really helped.

If you want any more thoughts or ideas about helping, post on the preemie forum, you'll find a ton of helpful people there!

[kbond]

Aha....thanks! I knew that there probably was something, and I just wasn't seeing it.

[snowmom5]

Assuming the baby is still in the NICU, most nicu's do not allow children under a certain age, like 12, to enter. Or at least that was the case when my twins were in the nicu. So, no, I would not bring your 7 month old anywhere near those babies just yet and then for a good while longer after they're home from the hospital (definitely ask the parents before deciding to visit them at home while bringing your baby - premies can be very susceptible to germs, etc. - RSV season starts in October in some locations)

I would not necessarily assume they're good for food, etc. Definitely find out. It was awesome to come home after a long day at the nicu to find someone had dropped off a casserole that I just needed to scoop onto a plate and pop into the microwave. I had no energy whatsoever, so it would have been frozen food or takeout otherwise. And a 28-weeker might have quite a while to go in the NICU, while help from friends and family might peter out over the coming weeks - so even if they don't need food now, maybe they could use it in a few weeks.

[kbond]

We visited them at home today, and honestly, I hadn't even thought that we'd visit them at the NICU. I thought that that would be a family only space.

Thanks for telling me about illness dangers though....we were very laidback about exposing our daughter to things and still are. It would not necessarily have occurred to me that they need to be extra vigilant about that.

On the food front, this is going to sound slightly ridiculous, but do you think we should just drop a casserole dish off on their front porch?

[rosie29]

Originally Posted by kbond

On the food front, this is going to sound slightly ridiculous, but do you think we should just drop a casserole dish off on their front porch?

I'm just lurking, and not a preemie mama, but my hunch on this would be to avoid using any dishes they'd need to return to you. Either tell them they can keep it, if that's okay with you, or use one of those foil pans you can buy, which they can either recycle or reuse. They have enough on their minds without trying to return dishes to people.

Personally, I think I'd tell them, "we're going to drop off a (lasagne, or whatever) tomorrow, is that okay?" and that lets them bow out if it doesn't work for whatever reason, but doesn't force them to make decisions or ask for your help -- two things which may be difficult for them to do in this stressful time.

Again, JMHO and not based on personal experience.

[snowmom5]

I agree that it might help to call (suppose, as you had been thinking, they already had a backlog of food, for example). I'd call (the DH if possible, since the mom is more exhausted from the ordeal with pumping, etc.), and say something like, I'd like to drop off a casserole on day x, or which day would work for you, etc. Then you can share logistics about when to drop off, when someone might be home to put it in the frig.

On the germ front, yeah, I think it matters, or at least the parents should get to decide if it matters to them - you can always ask I guess. I am so not a germophobe (living in the land of germs and crumbs over here, seriously gross, my 10 month old is always looking for scraps on the floor like a dog) and when my premies came home my dd had just turned 2 so it was tricky. Much later on, one of my premies ended up in the hospital on oxygen with RSV (I should have added that in some locations, the season runs through May, so we're still in RSV season now. A regular person, baby even, might just have a little cold and not know that it's RSV - it's very contagious).

If the baby was just born on March 17th, how'd they get home so quickly? (the baby, I mean?) or is the baby still in the nicu? I had very few friends - three, to be exact - visit during the 18 days of nicu, and it was a nice treat each time, though I would not have wanted a visitor every day or anything like that. It helped to know beforehand to expect them so I could be with the baby when they showed up (as opposed to being off pumping or eating lunch or whatever). One of my favorite things to do was to visit a friend who was on hospital bedrest with her triplets upstairs from the nicu, during the nurses change of shift when everyone gets kicked out for a little while. Maybe your friend would be interested in meeting you for lunch in the hospital cafeteria one day or something - just an idea. I always ate alone and fast, but a friendly face would have been nice.

[kbond]

The baby isn't home at all and won't be for a while....that could have been clearer in the initial post.

[Equuskia]

Moving to NICU. Hope you find the help you need there, kbond!

[kbond]

Thanks!

[tbavrbab]

Things can change so often in the NICU...minute by minute even, but calling that often is likely to frustrate ANYBODY.

So I'd suggest calling a couple of times a week to check in. Call to offer food, but tell them what you were planning on making and see when is best to drop off.

IF you go visit her at the hospital try to bring her lunch or take her to lunch. Even bringing her a lunch you made for her would be better than hospital cafeteria food. Though maybe check with her ahead on time on what day and time. I generally did lunch after the noon feeding, and I was back in my daughter's room before the 3pm feeding. We weren't required to leave at any time in the NICU we were at, but there were two times we were a little less welcome. Some NICUs are different, maybe find out the rules to see when she would benefit from a visit the most.

You could also find out her son's size and get a little outfit for him from preemiesrus they even carry the hard to find NIC-Ts and gowns that are made for going around all the tubing and wires.

Another idea is to put together a gift basket of snacks/easily cooked lunches for her to take to the hospital...there are even some in the organics section. I tend to do this for many moms that have little ones in the NICU, I've sent gift baskets I've made to three different moms this year (I don't always use a basket, sometimes I just use a box when I'm shipping to other states), and I just bought two NIC-Ts for a friend who just had a 26wk little boy.

Being a NICU mom has made me appreciate the pain these other moms are going through. While I was BLESSED beyond all my beliefs with how well my son and my daughter did, I have a place in my heart that makes me want to ease the burdens of moms currently "down in the trenches" in some small way.

OH if you knit or crochet there are a TON of wonderful projects you can work on. A blanket, preemie hats, socks, etc. all could be done in bamboo, wool, or organic fibers, if that was your inclination.

There are so MANY things you can do for a friend who has just had a preemie...the very least of which is calling to talk a couple of time a week. I hope my suggestions have helped a little bit. Good luck!