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wth should they call new husband??? - Page 2

post #21 of 35
What's wrong with Shane? Nothing disrepectful about calling someone by their name
post #22 of 35
Originally Posted by mommyto3girls View Post
I disagree with the first statement but fully agree with the second.

A step-parent, especially one that is dedicated and caring, deserves some sort of honorium. I don't know what it is, but we title so many people in our childrens lives, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends that get the title of aunts and uncles, yet a step-parent, who has more contact and loving parent/type role, with the child, gets nothing. It just makes me sad. Other than her mom and dad, I am the closest adult in dsd's life. I am the mommy at our house providing for, loving, playing with, taking care of, etc. Madison, just as I do my other two daughters. Yet I am just Julie, no different than my friends kids call me. No one bats an eye that she calls my brother and sil "aunt and uncle" or my parents "bompie and mimi" or my own aunts and uncles "aunt and uncle" no one says that she should just refer to them by their first name or as "mrs. or Mr." yet, for the step-parent, who is there in the role of parent, and for some is the only mother/father they have, a first name is just fine. It is hurtful sometimes.

As to the 2nd comment, I agree completely, a child should not be forced to use a title they are not comfortable with. But, to not even sugest other options is reall a slpa in the face to the step-parent.

OP- Could you maybe say "Daddy Shane" when you refer to him? Because obviously your 18 month old has granted him that title, and he IS the bio father of the babe that is on its way. Then your older dd can get used to the idea that he is a daddy (not her bio daddy, but new babe's) and can still call him Shane if she wants. When we have all the kids with us we refer to each other as Mommy Julie and Daddy Matt, if not when we are all out together it would be "Maia and Sage follow Matty, mommy's going potty by herself. Madison follow daddy because julie's going potty by herself" instead of just being able to say "Okay, girls, follow Daddy Matty, mommy Julie's going potty by herself!" usually Madison calls me Julie and Maia and Sage call their step-dad Matty, but they all understand why we say mommy Julie and daddy matt when we refer to each other.
Originally Posted by mommyto3girls View Post
I don't feel that it diminishes my relationship with her, I just wish that something existed that signified the relationship. If I am with the park with Madison, and she yells "hey, Julie watch me!" It hurts a bit, I want the rest of the world to know that I'm not just "Hey Julie" I want them to know that this little girl was not born from my body, but that she lives in my heart in the same way that my other girls do, I'm not just a neighbor or a babysitter, I am another parent in her life, I will lay my life down for hers, when she hurts, I hurt, when she is happy, I am happy. I just wish some title like aunt, nana, grandma, uncle, poppy, bompie, existed for those of us in the amazing role of step-parent.

I have to totally agree with these two posts. I have been wanting to respong to this thread, but could not get my head to put together my thoughts eloquently enough.

It is a sad moment for involved step-parents at times with this whole "title" issue. There are nice family names for EVERYONE in a family, but a step-parent... and it can set up an outsider feeling at times, for both the step-parent and the step child.

My DSD often wonders what to call me. She has stopped calling me her Jen ever since my DD was born because DH now refers to me as Mama a lot because that is what DD will likely call me. DSD was corrected by him in the past that I am not to be called mother or any variation thereof out of respect for her Mom, which I understand... however, that has set up DSD for feeling out of place and unsure of what I am when she is here since I am her sister's Mom and she seems to be confused and unsure what to call me now.

There SHOULD be some sort of name for step-parents. Not neccessarily Mom or Dad... but think about it... there is sister, aunt, uncle, grammy, the list goes on and on for every important person within a family... except a step-parent.... who are we?

I like the families that think outside the box and come up with a special name/title.... but I think with as many blended families in the world that we have today, society needs to get with the times and come up with a new name for us instead of creating this awkward split home sydrome from the begining.
post #23 of 35
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
There SHOULD be some sort of name for step-parents. Not neccessarily Mom or Dad... but think about it... there is sister, aunt, uncle, grammy, the list goes on and on for every important person within a family... except a step-parent.... who are we?
I've heard others suggest bonus mom or bonus dad, so a short form might be bonnie. But then that is an actual name, so it doesn't really work, does it?
post #24 of 35
Thread Starter 
Oh wow. So many varying thoughts...

I don't know if it's a sense of denial on my part, or what, that makes this such an issue. Even while I knew from early on in the marriage that it wasn't likely to last, I still never prepared myself for what would happen when I have children calling my partner who isn't their biological father something.
I'm okay with my oldest calling him "Shane", except that she does dabble with "Dad" and I do think it confuses my little one at this point. My oldest was extremely into her dad while he was around, and I'm sure there are scars that she doesn't show based on his disappearance. I felt lucky that my kids were so young when their dad and I split, and almost convinced myself that it was like Shane was their biological dad. Honestly, it just feels like he is. Their bio dad was never much of a dad, spent most of his time at work, and the rest of his time fighting with me. Our lives are so much more peaceful now.
We tried the "Papa" thing when we first decided that we were going to begin dating (it was a permanent or nothing situation for Shane), and for a brief period, my oldest called him "Papa", but as my youngest started using words and grew out of the infant stage, Dada became the word of the year, and it would be absolutely impossible to get her to stop calling him Daddy at this point. I wouldn't want to - just watching her eyes light up and hearing her squeal "Daddy!" when Shane walks in the door tells me that it's a fine match - her calling him "Daddy". I don't, more than anything, want to confuse the new baby. I know there's already an element of confusion in my daughters' lives over the absence of their dad and I can't explain that to them at this point - they're still too young to understand. But I don't want to bring our new baby into the world with this sense of uncertainty over what to call him.
Taking cues from the kids, I myself call him "Shane" to my oldest, "Daddy" to my youngest, and "Daddy" in reference to the new baby. I just want him to have one, easy name! Shane has no ex-wives or children of his own, so in my head, this situation is a simple solution - we just put Shane where their biological dad was and move on. But it's not that simple, is it?
As for the comment that the possibility of a relationship with their biological dad should always be a door that remains open, I have hesitations about that. I don't trust their father with them, for more than a few reasons. Legally, we have joint custody, but only because we had a dissolution and it was the easiest thing to file at the time, and we were both just ready to be done with being married. Now that their dad hasn't seen them in forever and has made it more than clear that he doesn't care about them (with the exception of a phone call I got from him at tax time to see if he could claim them and get money back for them - pffft!), I plan to apply for sole custody here within the next few weeks. Left alone, their dad would likely never want anything to do with them, but he's a very impressionable person and I can see him hooking up with a girl who is intrigued by this guy having kids and him trying to get some sort of custody of them. What a nightmare that would be! And they don't even remember him. So while the door for that relationship remains cracked, and there's always the opportunity that he becomes a part of their lives when they are older, the opening in that door is definitely narrowing. He'd have to prove to me that he was capable of taking care of a child before I would allow him to keep them for any period of time. After all, he can't even keep bills paid, himself clean, food in his house, a way to work, and a full-time job. So as it stands, he has a long way to go.
I appreciate all the advice, and I will definitely think it over and we'll talk more about it and see what path to take. It will probably be one of letting my oldest daughter slowly choose her own name for him. It just gets confusing when people who don't know our situation make assumptions and we have to keep explaining to people that no, Shane isn't their biological father. You'd think it would be more obvious - as my daughters are both blond-haired and blue-eyed and Shane has dark skin, black hair, and brown eyes. Another issue is that my daughters look remarkably alike (we get asked frequently if they are twins), and then to have one calling Shane "Daddy" and one calling him "Shane", I'm sure it's kind of a guessing game for onlookers! I guess we will see what happens when the baby arrives and if my oldest decides to board the "Daddy" train or continue to call him Shane.
post #25 of 35
To be honest, I think it depends a bit. Growing up, I never called any of my uncles or aunts "Uncle Tom" or "Aunt Janet", they were just "Tom" and "Janet" (that's how my parents referred to them, so that's what I picked up on). The only members of my family who had "titles" were my parents and my grandparents, and sometimes my great-uncle and great-aunt (who were "Uncle Thomas" and "Auntie Bess" half the time, and just "Thomas" and "Bess" the rest of the time). So, if your family is anything like that, then I think it would be fine for your kids to use your partner's name to refer to him (I mean, even if you guys are nothing like that, I think it would be fine too though!). Otherwise, Papa or Pop, or something like that maybe? I think it totally depends on comfort levels. If everyone's comfortable with him being called Shane, so be it.

Does Shane have any preference?
post #26 of 35
Originally Posted by seriouslyjess View Post
Maybe it's an age thing... (I was 7 when dad got married and 13 when mom did) but I never felt inclined to call my stepparents anything other then their names.
I think age plays a big part in it also, as well as the involvement of both the step-parent and the bio-parent. My dsd was 2 3/4 when we became a family, my youngest dd was 2 1/2. When we are all together, I am in the role of mommy and Matt is in the role of daddy to all the girls, no differences. However, Madison is with her mom over 60% of the time and she is a great, involved mommy; Sage & Maia are at their dad's about 50% of the time and he is a great involved daddy (now- when we were married I worked full time and still did 90% of the care of our kids) So I don't expect Mad to call me mommy, or Maia and Sage to call Matt daddy (though Sage often does), but as I said in a previous post, we (the grown ups) do use the names Mommy Julie and Daddy Matt to refer to each other when we are with all 3 kids, just easier/shorter that way.


I do have a nickname for my stepdad - my sister never used it but some of my friends have. He has one for me as well.

I vote let your kids call Shane what they want. Special nicknames are always good. You can call Shane whatever you want (within reason of course). If she wants to call him Shane that's fine - if you feel like that would confuse them get together and make it fun and maybe a little silly while playing around with nicknames.

When we all first moved in together, Maia-oldest dd, called Matt daddy a few times, and her bio-dad was really mad. So we sat down with her and told her she could call him anything she wanted, but it couldn't be dad, daddy, papa. She said "Anything? really?" and we told her anything else, except for a bad word, so she sat and thought and then yelled "Squiggles!" Now all 3 of the girls call him Squiggles at least a few times a week
post #27 of 35
Originally Posted by writteninkursive View Post
Oh (we get asked frequently if they are twins), and then to have one calling Shane "Daddy" and one calling him "Shane", I'm sure it's kind of a guessing game for onlookers! .

Madison and Sage don't look alike other than the fact that their hair is the same shade of brown (mad's is straight, Sage's curly) but they are only 9 weeks apart. Right now we are between their birthdays, so When people ask how old the kids are I can say 6, 4, and 3. But boy, oh boy, is it fun when they are the same age. Last summer especially, people asked me alot "are they all yours?" I always answer "yes" because she IS mine, I do not need to distinguish to random people that she is my step-daughter. Usually it is followed by this conversation

Random person - "Wow, how old are they?"
last summer I would say - "5, 3, and 3."
Random Person - "oh, Twins!?!"
Me - "No, they're 9 weeks apart!"

Usually this would result in people just looking confused, one particularily rude woman kept persisting.

Rude woman - "They can't both be yours if they are only 9 weeks apart."
Me- trying to ignore her, talking with my kids
Rude woman - "Well? They can't both be yours."
Me- getting angry inside thinking what if they are adopted? foster kids? and really what business is it of hers?
Maia (5 at the time) -"That's a really poopy question. Would you rather she say 'These two are mine, that one has to tag along because I married her dad' cause that would be pretty mean."
post #28 of 35
Originally Posted by writteninkursive View Post
Oh wow. So many varying thoughts...

As for the comment that the possibility of a relationship with their biological dad should always be a door that remains open, I have hesitations about that. I don't trust their father with them, for more than a few reasons.
I guess I meant psychologically. Children who are adopted and have no connection to their biological parents often are very interested in finding their parents when they get older. It seems to me that especially when there is little to no actual relationship, kids get very curious about it when they get older. My comment was just that, to me, it would be important that my children know that I acknowledge the existence of that relationship (which will always exist, regardless of whether or not he is involved in their daily life) and support their right to pursue it should they choose to. You and your ex made a decision about your adult relationship, but your children should be able to make their own choice, too. That's all I meant by "leaving the door open." If your oldest doesn't want to replace "Shane" with "Daddy" it might be her way of leaving the door open, and I think I would probably honor that.
post #29 of 35
I have been thinking about this a little bit myself. I have been with a wonderful man for over a year now and we are planning on living together/getting married at some point in the near future.

My dd has actually told him that she wanted him to be her Dad...and my oldest ds has already made the comment that my bf was "almost" like their dad.

My ex husband has not been seen or heard from in over 5 years now so the twins don't even remember him and the older two barely do. So that is not an issue.

To me it seems like my kids will not have a hard time accepting him as their dad he already does more for them/with them than their real dad ever did. I do wonder about the transition of name though. When it does happen it will be up to each child. Right now they do call him by his first name and he has said that if they continue with that it is ok with him. (But he has also mentioned that he really hopes that they will one day consider him their dad.)
He has been through this himself (his dad died while he was an infant and his mom remarried when he was 5.) So I think that is helping out here some. He has been in their shoes to a degree. I hope that it continues to help when we are all under one roof.

What matters to me most is that my kids are very obviously crazy about him and he is about them. There is a lots of love. :
post #30 of 35
Originally Posted by mommyto3girls View Post
Not just me, but the worlds perception, and I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but it does. I don't mean becuase other people call me by my first name, I just would like some sort of lovey name for a step-parent, just like aunt, uncle, grandma, etc
I actually really get this.

I have full custody of both my girls, and my ex has two weekends a month of visitation. We haven't crossed the bridge yet where he's dated someone seriously enough to introduce them to the girls, but I can see it coming soon.

If at some point in the future he were to live with someone who was involved in our girls lives, and this person was special to them - I could see that person wanting to have a more unique name than just 'Jane' or whatever.

You're right about how we bestow monikers on loved ones. All my close girlfriends are 'Auntie' to my kids, I think it's wonderful. Even distant family members are considered cousins by the girls when we're talking about them.

It's so hard, because right now the thought of anyone being involved with my girls on anything but a general makes me want to claw out my ex's eyes, I do realize that we're all adults and I'm going to have to make room in my life to accept other people. It can only benefit my kids, right? That's how I'm going to try and look at it...
post #31 of 35
my kids call their step dad by his name and he has been involved in their lives since my son was 2 years old (definitely more so than their bio dad!). it works great for us. the kids think of him as dad, he treats them like his own kids, we all know and feel it but they are all happy using a first name basis for him.
post #32 of 35
My 7 y-o son has known my DH since he was 2 (DH and I didn't strat dating 'til DS was 5), and always called him by his first name. As our relationship changed from friends to that of a family, my son started calling him "Jeffy" instead of Jeff. It's not an all the time thing, but it's something special and affectionate that DS created for this purpose.

We were both fine with my son calling DH by his name, but DS apparently wanted a little more and saw fit to develop his own nickname.
post #33 of 35
My mom divorced my father when I was 2 and remarried when I was 3. My older brother was 6. Our younger sister was born later that year. We knew our new dad was our little sister's 'real' dad and that we had a different dad. We only visited with him (our bio dad) whenever we came back to the state he lived in (we moved a lot cause my new dad was in the navy).

Eventually, our father (bio) remarried and had another little boy and little girl. When I was 8, my step dad adopted my older brother and I, legally, after our father (bio) signed over his parental rights (and still owes child support for both of us). We had always known our step dad wasn't our bio dad, but had always called him dad. When he adopted us, we were allowed to choose whether we wanted his last name or if we wanted to keep our birth name. Our step dad was the one who we saw every day he was the one taking care of us, he was the one who supported my endeavors and provided for the family. I knew he wasn't my 'real' dad, and I always wanted to know my 'real' dad [I did later, and I found out personally what was so wrong with him].

My husband's ex married her lover a month after their divorce. Their one and only child was 4 when the new man came into his life and he was 6 when his parents were divorced. He was 7 when he met me. He sees his father (my husband) regularly; his father is very much an involved parent yet. However, he calls his step dad 'daddy' (encouraged by his mother) and refers to his real dad as 'daddy john' (suggested by his mother and step dad). : My step son is now nearly 12 years old.He calls his step dad daddy and calls me, his step mother, Katreena (because his mom won't let him call me anything but my first name). At least his mother allows him to call his two sisters, sister.
post #34 of 35
Dh came into our lives when my oldest 2 were 3 and 4. They called him by their first name until I was pregnant w/my 3rd child. We simply asked them at that age if they wanted to call dh daddy and they did, and still do. Similar situation to yours, exdh not there, they maybe see him once or twice a year if that.
post #35 of 35
I really think it should be up to the children. You can offer suggestions, but I don't think it should matter. I call both my dads "dad". My biological dad and my step-dad who entered my life when I was about 4-5 years old. They have only been in the same room a few times, and I remember distinctly saying, "Dad.. etc etc" at my sister's wedding, and they both perked up and thought I was talking to them. Well, so what?
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