am i too hard on dd?

[jannan]

first off, i am making an effort not to spank or in anyway hurt with my body her body. about 2 months ago, dd started sticking her tounge out at me. it really bugged me, so i slapped her face. not hard , but with intent to let her know that sticking her tounge out at me is not accectable.........ever! well, she never let me live it down. we'll be going to bed some nights and she 'll say"it really hurt my feelings that you slapped my face " and cry and i say" i'm very sorry about that and it will not happen again" it hasnot happened again, but the tounge being stuck out has not ceased. she'll do when she can't get her way with somethig. or complain about something. last night we were walking home from her school and she starts whining that she wanted chips. when i said "no, i have no money for chips right now" she stuck her tounge out. so, we get home ok and my father calls her on the phone. last night she had asked my dad to buy her some bob the builder toothpaste, as this kid really , really enjoys brushing her teeth. I then took the phone from her and said"dd has had a hard time today with not being nice to her mama, so she may not have bob the builder toothpaste" so of course she started crying and saying " I'm so sorry i stuck my tounge out. will a hug help you?" so i tell her that i love her but she may not have the toothpaste because she is not behaving.........well, this topic about toothpaste went on all night. she woke up today and said "ive been behaving. can i have the tooth paste?" i said no. but i'm thinking maybe i've been too hard.



what do you guys think?


should i make a sticker chart and 5 stickers equals the toothpaste?

[dotcommama]

First I'm not sure how old your dd is, but here is my opinion. . .

My oldest ds went through a sticking out his tongue phase around 4-5 yrs old. It really pissed me off b/c it strikes me as extremely disrespectful. What made him stop was ignoring it. I just paid no attention when he did it, just continued on whatever I was doing and acted like he wasn't doing it. After a week or so of ignoring it - it stopped.

As for the toothpaste I don't see how that relates to sticking her tongue out - unless ahead of time you told her if she stuck her tongue out she couldn't have the toothpaste, but if it's something you decided later that seems unfair to me. I don't think taking away an unrelated privilage is going to stop the behavior. I think this will just make your dd more angry and more likely to be sticking her tongue out KWIM?

should i make a sticker chart and 5 stickers equals the toothpaste?

What would earn a sticker? - Not sticking her tongue out? If she is doing it out of anger and/or frustruation can you teach her a way you would be more comfortable with her expressing these emotions?

[Dar]

I think you need to find a system of discipline tools that you feel comfortable with, and stick with them. It feels like you don't know what to do when your dughter does somehting you don't like, so you lash out in one way or another - hit her, take away toothpaste that she didn't even know she was in danger of losing. If you want to set up a system of rewards or punishments, you need to let her know ahead of time how it works. Rewards tend to work better than punishments...

If you wanted to be rewards-based, you would decide which behaviors you were targeting and each time she did them she would get a sticker, and X number of stickers meant a reward - toothpaste, a trip to the park, a half hour of hot cocoa and you reading to her - whatever she chose . So, your target might be "Tongue stays in the mouth", since for whatever reason this seems to really bug you, and she could earn 3 stickers a day, for morning, afternoon, and evening, and every 7 means a reward.

Coupled with this, you would need to figure out why she's sticking out her tongue (preferable sometime when she's not upset) and give her other tools to use. She seems to do this when she's mad about something you said or did, and it works well because it gets you upset too. So, perhaps she could say, "I don't likke that!" or "I'm mad at you, Mommy!". And if she did these things instead, you would need to make an effort to acknowledge those feelings, and sympathize, and at some point acknowledge that she expressed them in a nicer way.

It might also help for you to figure out ways to talk with her about her disappointments, so she might not get so mad at you. If she wants chips, acknowledge that - "Yes, chips sound really good right now. I wish we had lots of money and we could buy a big bag of chips, don't you? " and let her respond, and talk about chips, and then maybe say something like, "You know, corn tortillas are .59 for a big package, maybe we could get some of those and cut them up and put some spices on and bake them, and make our very own chips!" Or spend .13 on a potato and try that... IME, experiments like that always charmed Rain, even when they didn't work out so well. The important things are acknowledging and reflecting her feelings, and then trying to find a workable alternative.

It sounds like being hit was very traumatic for her. One way children often work out trauma is to talk abut it, over and over. They want to tell the same story and get the same response - Mommy hit me, I felt very bad and sad, Mommy said she was sorry, Mommy won't hit any more. It's really not a personal thing, I don't think she's trying to rub it in, just to make sense of it and feel safe in the future.

I think a rewards system might help you get over this hurdle, although I'm not in favor if stuff like that in the long term. I would also read some books - Faber and Mazlish, Barabra Coloroso - just to try to get a sense of another way to do things, other tools you can use. It will probably also help if you can try not to take things personally, and separate your child from her actions. She's not out to get you, really, she's just doing the best she can to handle her own feelings, and she needs to learn other ways.

dar

[mamaduck]

I agree that not allowing her to have the toothpaste is far too arbitrary to be helpful.

You have valid reasons for not wanting her to stick her tounge out. It would be best if she stopped for *real* reasons, and not because of a reward or punishment.

As far as the time you slapped her -- of course I believe that was wrong and counter-productive. But letting her drag it back up again everyday and use it as a means to manipulate you is not doing either of you any favors. I personally would not apologize again. One heartfelt apology was plenty. Instead, I would respond by saying something like, "I hear that you are hurt and angry. I would be hurt an angry about being slapped too. In fact -- I feel hurt an angry when people are even just rude to me. I feel hurt and angry when people stick their tounges out at me. I feel so angry that it is hard for me not to slap them, even though I know slapping is wrong."

At a separate time, I would talk to her about what she feels when she sticks out her tounge. I would ask, "What are you feeling when you do that? What are you trying to say to me when you stick your tounge out at me? What words could you use instead?" I also think it is important to evaluate your relationship with her, and make sure that she feels free to tell you about her negative feelings using her words. It won't do any good to say, "Use your words," if she is fearful of being honest with you. It doesn't mean you have to give in to what she wants when she feels angry with you. It just means you have to hear her, and be sympathetic. KWIM?

[Piglet68]

Hmmmm....I don't think I can add anything to what Dar and Mamaduck have already said.

Oh, except maybe you need to look inside yourself, too. Try to figure out what it is about this particular behaviour that is causing such a deep response in you. I find that usually, when DD is doing something that bothers me, it's something that was made a big deal out of when I was a child.

[jannan]

i really appreciate all the advice. the pediatrician said the same thing about her bringing the slapping incident up repeatedly.... that i need to say" yes, i know i hurt you and i promise not to do it again"please keep the advice coming.

[jannan]

and i want to add that tomorro were going to target to buy the toothpaste. i told her just now "You've been doing very well by not sticking your tounge out. you can have the toothpaste. this is more out of guilt.: