How about a PTSD support thread?

[MittensKittens]

Are there any other folks with PTSD over here? How are you coping? Do you have professional help to help you heal? I have been struggling with this by myself for years now. I finally arrived at a point where I want to look my trauma in the eye and try to heal/ find peace with myself and what happened. But now I have no money for therapy. If there are others, perhaps we can share and support each other?

[mom0810]

Yes, I had PTSD after the birth of my first child. I did have therapy but it took me two years to find a therapist who knew what I had. I also had medication, which I think really helped.

I still have anxiety which I think is left over from the PTSD. But it gets better. You are doing the thing you have to do which is look at what happened to you. You can also write things down. If you have fears about things now as a result, you can write down what your fear is, what you can do about it, what you CAN'T do about it, and what you would do if it happened. It can help you see on paper that you DO know how to deal with things and that you really can handle anything that happens. The real situation is never as scary as we make it in our minds.

Keep a journal. That really helps. If you can see your thoughts on paper, they become much less scary.

I really hope this helps and that you can get yourself back to living without fear.

[MittensKittens]

Great that you managed to get over PTSD and are doing well! I like some of your suggestions, and think that being aware that anxiety is often triggered by past trauma and acknowledging this is irrational will probably help some. Keeping a journal would definitely help, I think. What was your therapy like and what steps did they take? I am normally very DIY in every aspect of life, and the realization that, actually, I am unable to deal with this on my own, makes me feel like a failure. I do think an outsider's perspective - a trained and educated outsider - could make all the difference. Thank you so much for your input.

[Attila the Honey]

I have ptsd from birth trauma. I am doing much better now, since doing EMDR, but it still affects me. I am also in therapy, I go 2-3x a month.

[mom0810]

Yes, this is something you cannot really do on your own. I was the same way. I was lucky enough to come across a big researcher of PPD/PTSD in my area and that made a lot of difference.

The thing with PTSD is usually that you have stared something in the face that could have killed you. Whether it's war, birth, surgery, emergency C-section and baby in the NICU (my story), rape, robbery, car accident, or any other situation, you were brought close to the realization that something could kill you.

Now, what the BRAIN does with this is translates it to OTHER things in your life. Harmless, benign things that you never used to think about. For example, my therapist told me about a patient who had a very severe car accident and was hospitalized. The trash cans at the hosp were a certain color blue. Every time he saw that color, even after the accident was LONG over, he felt the same fear and anxiety. Now that is a pretty literal and easy to understand example, but it does illustrate how the brain works. Fear from one situation easily can get projected on to other situations.

This is a big reason why medication can help. You have to settle your mind enough to be able to work through the therapy.

IF you find a therapist, make sure it's one who will give you homework, not just sit and talk to you. You have to be working some kind of program.

Hope this helps.

[doublewhammy]

Hi. I also believe I have PTSD, though it's never been formally diagnosed. For me, there were multiple childhood traumas--my mom died, my father emotionally abandoned me, and I was sexually abused. Later in life, I gave birth to twins, preterm, and I also went through the whole NICU thing. There are two kinds of PTSD--I'm not sure what the first is called, but the second is complex--and I'd say that I have complex. The first type is caused by one discreet incident--say, a car accident. Complex is caused by multiple events over time. A lot of the symptoms and treatments are the same. I've been in therapy, but I'm not, now. I don't have the money. I'm doing a lot of natural stuff: taking St. John's wort, running, yoga, and some Buddhist/mindfulness things. But there are definitely days when I feel like I'm trying to stop a train from running over me by holding it back with my pinkie. There's a lot of information on PTSD on the internet, as I'm sure you know. I think a really great therapist would be a wonderful thing. Personally, I'm trying to avoid drugs (though St John's wort probably should be considered one).

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by doublewhammy

Hi. I also believe I have PTSD, though it's never been formally diagnosed. For me, there were multiple childhood traumas--my mom died, my father emotionally abandoned me, and I was sexually abused. Later in life, I gave birth to twins, preterm, and I also went through the whole NICU thing. There are two kinds of PTSD--I'm not sure what the first is called, but the second is complex--and I'd say that I have complex. The first type is caused by one discreet incident--say, a car accident. Complex is caused by multiple events over time. A lot of the symptoms and treatments are the same. I've been in therapy, but I'm not, now. I don't have the money. I'm doing a lot of natural stuff: taking St. John's wort, running, yoga, and some Buddhist/mindfulness things. But there are definitely days when I feel like I'm trying to stop a train from running over me by holding it back with my pinkie. There's a lot of information on PTSD on the internet, as I'm sure you know. I think a really great therapist would be a wonderful thing. Personally, I'm trying to avoid drugs (though St John's wort probably should be considered one).

Hi

It seems we are kind of in the same boat. I am anxious sharing my story, since - while MDC does feel like a safe place to me - the internet is oh so public. But you are brave enough, and I will be, too. My father died, I was then sexually abused by my mother's new "partner" was accused of lying about that by my mom, who still denies it. After that, I have crossed half the globe, partly to "run away from it all", thinking that removing myself physically would be a solution. Then I experienced a series of traumatic events while being an investigative journalist in a volatile part of the world. I find the PTSD resources online don't do much for me, other than confirm my symptoms. Some of the resources for military personnel have been useful. If you have any sites that helped you, please share. I am also actively exploring my spirituality and meditating, which helps me when I catch myself in time. Please tell me more about St John's wort - how is it helping you?

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by mom0810

Yes, this is something you cannot really do on your own. I was the same way. I was lucky enough to come across a big researcher of PPD/PTSD in my area and that made a lot of difference.

The thing with PTSD is usually that you have stared something in the face that could have killed you. Whether it's war, birth, surgery, emergency C-section and baby in the NICU (my story), rape, robbery, car accident, or any other situation, you were brought close to the realization that something could kill you.

Now, what the BRAIN does with this is translates it to OTHER things in your life. Harmless, benign things that you never used to think about. For example, my therapist told me about a patient who had a very severe car accident and was hospitalized. The trash cans at the hosp were a certain color blue. Every time he saw that color, even after the accident was LONG over, he felt the same fear and anxiety. Now that is a pretty literal and easy to understand example, but it does illustrate how the brain works. Fear from one situation easily can get projected on to other situations.

This is a big reason why medication can help. You have to settle your mind enough to be able to work through the therapy.

IF you find a therapist, make sure it's one who will give you homework, not just sit and talk to you. You have to be working some kind of program.

Hope this helps.

Glad you are doing better now. Therapy must have been tough. Thank you for the tips about finding a good therapist. As soon as finances improve, therapy is very much a priority for me.

[doublewhammy]

I, too, am somewhat jittery about posting about my past on the internet.

I take St. John's wort for depression, which is what my PTSD has sort of morphed into over this long and difficult winter. I started around New Year's, and the results are mixed. I don't feel happy all of a sudden, but I do have moments of pleasure, and I feel more empathetic than I did. Also, I'm getting more done. I'm writing again (I'm also a writer, though I write fiction). Sometimes, the SJW seems to make my anxiety worse--not a good thing. But I feel clearer and more focused most of the time.

I have HUGE issues with anger. St. John's wort hasn't helped much with that.

I guess most of what I've gathered on the internet is information about symptoms. There are also several threads about Borderline Personality Disorder here--there's a lot of overlap between complex PTSD and BPD.

I've also learned some stuff about treatment options on the internet. Besides antidepressants and talk therapy, there are also a couple of very focused therapies used--dialectical behavioral therapy for BPD, and EMDR for PTSD are a couple that come to mind. I haven't tried either. My last therapist was going to try EMDR, but she didn't feel that I was in a safe enough place yet.

Thanks for starting this thread.

[MittensKittens]

Anger - once again, me too! A friend of mine who is a veteran from Iraq says that he sometimes feels the urge to take a rifle and just sit on his balcony with it, emptying the ammo. I don't do weapons but recognize that feeling all too well. I can cope. When I feel it is about to get out of hand, I take myself to a special place in the house, until the feeling is gone. My children have done so much to help me control anger, yet, I don't always succeed. I feel PTSD is something I am pretty much on my own with. I have at times wondered whether - like you mention - I am now struggling with depression. I do have feelings of depression, but they come and go and I don't feel that that is the problem. I try and fill me time up constantly. Right now, I am not working (I got laid off two months back) and that is not doing me any god at all. When I have done everything I can think of to do around the house, etc, etc, I am just left with myself, my anger, fears and feelings of utter helplessness. I know it isn't healthy, and I need to regain control over my life and my destiny. I don't want my children to suffer any bad effects from my traumas. Hands on therapies that take you back there frighten me though - at least now, I can block those events out most of the time. Which yeah, I realize is actually the very problem because they come with me wherever I go.

I am glad that St John's wort is doing something to help you. I don't know whether I should go there, since I am a nursing mom, and you say that it is not taking away the issues I struggle most with. I will do more research about this on the web though. Thank you so much for sharing - your comments are a wave of recognition to me.

[doublewhammy]

St. John's wort is not recommended if you're nursing. I AM nursing, in fact, I'm nursing two. But they don't nurse a lot these days. I had to make a choice: SJW, the Zoloft the clinic in town was pushing on me, or do nothing and live with "thoughts of harming myself." I decided that SJW seemed like the mildest option of the 3. My behavior seemed to me at least as dangerous as whatever small amount of SJW might come through in breast milk. And there's no evidence that it's harmful--it's an unknown. Since I don't even take aspirin while nursing, it was an extremely tough call. Of course I could have weaned, but then I'd lose my surefire way of getting the twins to sleep.

I think therapy is the best option, if you can afford it, and IF you can find a good therapist. I've had two therapists. The first one helped me to acknowledge the fact that I'd been abused. Before that, I was sort of in denial. I knew what had happened, but I just kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad. Because if I admitted how bad it was, I'd have to feel the pain that surrounded the whole issue, if that makes sense. So she helped me get honest with myself--but I was left unsure how to deal with the whole mess.

My second therapist acted like I couldn't really open that can of worms without putting myself at risk. My marriage is in trouble, and she didn't think I could deal with my past and the present at the same time. She left suddenly (she worked at the cheap clinic in town, 10 bucks a visit, which was just about right). I didn't "click" with her replacement, who seemed smug to me. A smug therapist is just what I don't need.

Lately I've been trying to work on "Pause Practice." It's a Buddhist way of calming yourself--you just take three conscious breaths before you react to the situation at hand. It's harder than you might think, if you're as impulsive and hair-triggerish as I am.

[holyhelianthus]

Lurking for the most part.

PTSD from my third birth. to you all

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by doublewhammy

St. John's wort is not recommended if you're nursing. I AM nursing, in fact, I'm nursing two. But they don't nurse a lot these days. I had to make a choice: SJW, the Zoloft the clinic in town was pushing on me, or do nothing and live with "thoughts of harming myself." I decided that SJW seemed like the mildest option of the 3. My behavior seemed to me at least as dangerous as whatever small amount of SJW might come through in breast milk. And there's no evidence that it's harmful--it's an unknown. Since I don't even take aspirin while nursing, it was an extremely tough call. Of course I could have weaned, but then I'd lose my surefire way of getting the twins to sleep.

I think therapy is the best option, if you can afford it, and IF you can find a good therapist. I've had two therapists. The first one helped me to acknowledge the fact that I'd been abused. Before that, I was sort of in denial. I knew what had happened, but I just kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad. Because if I admitted how bad it was, I'd have to feel the pain that surrounded the whole issue, if that makes sense. So she helped me get honest with myself--but I was left unsure how to deal with the whole mess.

My second therapist acted like I couldn't really open that can of worms without putting myself at risk. My marriage is in trouble, and she didn't think I could deal with my past and the present at the same time. She left suddenly (she worked at the cheap clinic in town, 10 bucks a visit, which was just about right). I didn't "click" with her replacement, who seemed smug to me. A smug therapist is just what I don't need.

Lately I've been trying to work on "Pause Practice." It's a Buddhist way of calming yourself--you just take three conscious breaths before you react to the situation at hand. It's harder than you might think, if you're as impulsive and hair-triggerish as I am.

I understand your considerations, and would probably do the same. I am sorry your marriage is in trouble, that must be tough to be dealing with. Your therapist probably had a good point, about not being able to deal with the past and present at the same time. However, I often feel that present problems are a direct or indirect result of the past in my case - do you fee like that? I would also appreciate hearing how other moms with PTSD think the way in which they parent is affected by PTSD. Personally, I feel the situation is getting out of hand now and I have to act now to combat PTSD, for the sake of all of us. Being laid off and having time on my hands to get stuck thinking about things is the biggest factor, I think. I had a busy job working from home (writing for a website) which kept me healthy. Now, the can of worms is opening itself as it were, and I am having trouble coping.

Magstphil, welcome

[doublewhammy]

I think PTSD affects all of my relationships. But parenting is the area that concerns me the most. My children didn't ask to have a mom who's in some ways incapacitated. I tried to warn my husband, but when we were newly in love I felt really good, and a lot of the problems I usually have were gone.

There's a good thread on this forum, something like Emergency Parenting 101. There's some good advice there, and a lot of comforting words.

I value gentleness above almost anything, and it horrifies me to see how ungentle I am, much of the time. I don't believe in corporal punishment, and I don't use it. But my thoughts and words are often so far removed from what I want them to be (in saner moments) that it's staggering.

I get overstimulated so easily. And two three year olds at one time (not to mention my six year old "spirited" daughter)--well, it's pretty stimulating. While I've been trying to type this, they've gotten a hold of a knife, unrolled the paper towels, demanded an apple, and had a meltdown. I'm typing one-handed now while I tote one of them around. This is how my day will be.

I was wondering, MittensKittens, how you felt losing your job had affected you. I haven't worked outside the home in a decade (the public stuff got to be too much for me even before I had kids). But I feel better when I'm doing SOMETHING a little more tangible than pairing up socks, if you know what I mean. I'm trying to work a little bit on a second book, and my husband and I are trying to build a house, which I sometimes get to work on. I love good old-fashioned labor, something that makes me fall into bed at night exhausted. A day spent in the woods with a chain saw is a good day for me. Needless to say, I don't get to do much of that sort of thing these days.

[MittensKittens]

I have got a bunch of fevery and sick kids in the house today - and I am sick myself as well. So we're all on the couch with a blanket today. I had been doing an at home job for a year and a half - this was the job I lost just recently. I wanted to be home for the kids. The job I was doing was not particularly difficult - it was for a travel website, writing reviews of cities and towns all over the world. It was just right for me - it gave me the pressure of deadlines that I really need, and I felt I was doing something meaningful (well, putting bread on the shelf if nothing else!). I also ended up with a fear of airports, although not a fear of airplanes, and this has kept me where I am for a while now. I'm in Eastern Europe and I haven't left the country for more than three years now. Now, the feeling of keeping myself busy and doing something useful with my life is totally gone. Having no cash doesn't do much good either, as I am a comfort spender. I try to be as gentle as possible with my DD, who is a very sensitive little girl, but can also be very destructive! When I have an episode of generally not being with it, of course my relationship with her suffers. This is my main reason for wanting to take action now. When I get angry, I practice time outs on myself and this has been working for me. I go to a set place in the house until the anger is mainly gone. I also find the Orthodox Christian incense helps to calm me down, so I light that sometimes .

When I found out I was having a boy, I freaked out for weeks - I thought it was going to be a huge issue. I am so glad and relieved that I feel nothing but love for him, and he was a really tiny thing when he was born. He was a much more needy and fragile baby compared to DD, and I feel extremely protective of him. I still wonder whether he felt any of those things, and I feel so guilty. Do you recognize any of that?

OK, incoherent ramble over now. I have a fever and am just writing at random...

[claddaghmom]

-I can hardly bear to be alone and will start to become paranoid if alone in a house/building, thinking someone is "there" or someone is hiding in a closet

-I'm scared of the dark

-I'm scared while running the vacuum

-I have hypnocampic sleep disturbances

-I used to have night terrors, but they have gone away since having the baby (hormones??)


Here's the thing: I feel that I have definitely healed from the trauma and moved past it. But the symptoms remain.

To make matters worse, I had a horrific experience on campus and it heightened all the symptoms again. That was a year ago and I've just now gotten to the point where I can be alone at home w/ the baby or basically hold back the drive to freak out.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

I understand your considerations, and would probably do the same. I am sorry your marriage is in trouble, that must be tough to be dealing with. Your therapist probably had a good point, about not being able to deal with the past and present at the same time. However, I often feel that present problems are a direct or indirect result of the past in my case - do you fee like that? I would also appreciate hearing how other moms with PTSD think the way in which they parent is affected by PTSD. Personally, I feel the situation is getting out of hand now and I have to act now to combat PTSD, for the sake of all of us. Being laid off and having time on my hands to get stuck thinking about things is the biggest factor, I think. I had a busy job working from home (writing for a website) which kept me healthy. Now, the can of worms is opening itself as it were, and I am having trouble coping.

Magstphil, welcome

Well, my DD is only almost 5 months, so I don't know how exactly or if it will affect my relationship with her. The extent it has affected my parenting seems small or irrelevant. For example, I will be terrified of going home when it is dark at night and DH is at work, so I will stay at a friends house or hang out w/ my siblings. DD has always gone to bed late though so this wasn't a problem.

I think I have a good support community so the effects aren't apparent. When I was pregnant, for about 3 months, DH worked overnights. It was very hard.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

-I can hardly bear to be alone and will start to become paranoid if alone in a house/building, thinking someone is "there" or someone is hiding in a closet

-I'm scared of the dark

-I'm scared while running the vacuum

-I have hypnocampic sleep disturbances

-I used to have night terrors, but they have gone away since having the baby (hormones??)


Here's the thing: I feel that I have definitely healed from the trauma and moved past it. But the symptoms remain.

To make matters worse, I had a horrific experience on campus and it heightened all the symptoms again. That was a year ago and I've just now gotten to the point where I can be alone at home w/ the baby or basically hold back the drive to freak out.

I am so sorry you are still having symptoms! That must be tough to deal with. I also feel I am a more whole, and healthy person, because of my kids and I do get you on the night terrors going away because of hormones - nature's way of protecting you, perhaps? Oh, and I can't believe your babe is five months already - I remember you from the UC board and it seems like yesterday that you gave birth! Time just passes too quickly!

[3-StarSystem]

I have PTSD and after years of FIGHTING to get some legitimate help I'm finally being recognized. (Before I was apparently "exaggerating", now because I have an "acceptable" trauma I'm grudgingly getting the help I need and still having to jump through hoops to get it. )

I have PTSD regarding some life-threatening medical issues in my older child, and my trauma/trigger was repeated with my youngest child with the exception that I essentially had to live in a "warzone" of trauma (With all of my previous triggers still intact.) for nearly a year, most of it by myself with not so much as a break to pee most of the time let alone a mental break.

The most acute part is finally over, but the post-traumatic issues have eaten me whole and I am virtually unrecognizable to myself. Unfortunately acute situations just keep on arising with all of the same triggers (And some lovely new ones!) so I've found any chances of healing just about impossible.

(EX. I experience physically crippling panic attacks when I'm too close to/audibly in range of helicopters- then I have to go on yet another medi-flight and have no choice but go through it all all over again, we end up in the same ICU room where my ODS almost died etc.)

I'm really, really hoping that I'm able to achieve some healing now that I'm FINALLY being recognized by the mental health professionals here.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by 3-StarSystem

I have PTSD and after years of FIGHTING to get some legitimate help I'm finally being recognized. (Before I was apparently "exaggerating", now because I have an "acceptable" trauma I'm grudgingly getting the help I need and still having to jump through hoops to get it. )

I have PTSD regarding some life-threatening medical issues in my older child, and my trauma/trigger was repeated with my youngest child with the exception that I essentially had to live in a "warzone" of trauma (With all of my previous triggers still intact.) for nearly a year, most of it by myself with not so much as a break to pee most of the time let alone a mental break.

The most acute part is finally over, but the post-traumatic issues have eaten me whole and I am virtually unrecognizable to myself. Unfortunately acute situations just keep on arising with all of the same triggers (And some lovely new ones!) so I've found any chances of healing just about impossible.

(EX. I experience physically crippling panic attacks when I'm too close to/audibly in range of helicopters- then I have to go on yet another medi-flight and have no choice but go through it all all over again, we end up in the same ICU room where my ODS almost died etc.)

I'm really, really hoping that I'm able to achieve some healing now that I'm FINALLY being recognized by the mental health professionals here.

I am so sorry that your trauma was not recognized for such a long time. How is your child now? I can't imagine going through something like that, and I can't imagine anyone denying such a situation being traumatic! I know what panic attacks feel like, though I haven't had any for years now, thank God. Do you know what kind of therapy you will be working through yet?