Originally Posted by Theia
Glad I found this thread. Looks like it needs a little revival. I skimmed through this, and see many different reasons for the PTSD in our lives. Mine is due to sexual assault many years ago, which then lead me down the road of worthlessness as I chose partners who weren't good for me. Finally, I hit the jackpot by choosing a man who did a complete about face and went from loving me to threatening my life, literally in a matter of days. Lots of verbal, emotional abuse and the physical was starting to get serious. The abuse started because I was pregnant and wouldn't terminate.
I trigger easily now. I can't stand violent movies, hearing ppl yelling and screaming either adults or adults threatening children. People talking of guns, bar fights, abusive relationships, are all triggers. I like to hide out in my house all day rather than risk a trigger. I don't trust ppl as a general rule. My own DD triggers me when she hits or kicks me. My problem is that like most people who have that piece that says "take a deep breath, count to 10" or whatever after something like that..... I don't have that anymore. I respond and hit back. I'm deeply ashamed of it, and it's even harder to admit here on MDC, the gentle discipling ppl that we are. I get easily angered beyond what is appropriate to the situation. I feel like a complete mess. I am in counseling and have been honest with my counselor about all of this. I'm also on meds now for it too. I'm not hurting my daughter to the point that it was be officially abuse, but to me it's the worst thing in the world.
So hoping to join in the support so we can all heal from this.
Thank you so much for sharing, welcome. I am glad your revived this thread.
I just came here tonight by chance (thinking the thread was "dead"), and I have to admit to thinking many times, over these past few years, that PTSD is something one carries around for the rest of their lives; a burden, a weight on your shoulders. In the immediate aftermath of the trauma, I - like everyone, I suppose - was unaware of my behavior, reactions to situations, and a friend who have lived through similar traumas but years before me pointed out what it looked like, PTSD with its ugly face. He also pointed out there was light at the end of the PTSD tunnel, and life after PTSD. "Not for me," I thought, thinking my feelings would never fade away, and that there was no cure. In fact, many times, I thought I should just stop dwelling on it, accept that this was now a part of me, and carry it with dignity and honor, not like a sissy.
Well tonight, after a few months of life changing events, in a positive sense, I was lying in bed next to my sleeping, beautiful children, the baby with his face on my chest, the older one subtly smiling in her sleep. And I thought to myself that yes, there is life after PTSD; yes, things are getting better. The flashbacks are still there, the anger is still there. But not as much as before, and by looking deeply into myself and acknowledging that what happened was abnormal, that I had every "right" to be traumatized by what happened to me, I think I have started to heal. Yes, I can acknowledge even the events that were responsible for my PTSD that I directly participated in, directly caused, even those.
I am sure there will be plenty more bad days, plenty more setbacks, but at least tonight I feel like there is light at the other side of the PTSD tunnel, and I can begin to move on.
Theia, I too can relate to violent reactions to small triggers, to angry outbursts, and I am not proud of this part of what I became. This is what made me realize I needed Help, first and foremost. I need to be a good mom. I need to not pass this demon on to my children. I need them to look back at their childhood and realize I might have had these struggles, but I Wanted Out and sought help. I need that for me, as much as for them.