I want to pop in with an alternative to the grab and swoop maneuver for a child running into the road. I feel that it is more effective and more consensual for me to intercept. I run several feet ahead of the child, turn and face, crouch down with arms open for an embrace. Now I am providing him with a new choice instead of stopping him outright. If the road is clear I may even go into the road to allow him to experience "road" if that is his goal, as you say, Calm. He can keep running straight into my arms. He can stop and engage in conversation if verbal. He can turn and run the opposite direction if he wants to run away from me. Lots of choices that don't end up with him running loose in the road with oncoming cars. Plus I think "grab and swoop" becomes a game where they run towards the road more frequently. I can always do that as a last resort, if he tries to do an end run around me.
You could still look at it as me imposing my will, I guess. But I look at it as engaging a toddler in a form of finding consensus. My intent is to say with my actions, "Whoa, I'm not comfortable with this, here are a lot of other options," in a concise, physical way that a toddler understands. After all, most of our communication is not verbal even as adults. Taking the ability to use speech as the primary form of gaining consensus out of the equation really can be a helpful teacher in learning to be very clear and honest in your communication with your facial expressions and body language and aura, if you believe in that sort of thing. I realize that all this is a slippery slope with regard to intent and inferring consent where it may not be authentic, especially with people (children) who seem to be born with a higher need for approval and acceptance. I just say I do the best I can. I don't find that this conflicts with the ideal that "There are always consensual solutions."
I would say that is true, but that it is impossible to find a consensual solution every time for a variety of reasons. No one is totally honest with themselves or others about their needs and wants. We often have conflicting wants or needs within ourselves. No one can be aware of all the options available to them all the time. Full informed consent or true consensus would require that we all know everything and never feel conflicted within ourselves. I don't think that's a necessary or desirable step. I like what we have. And I need/want something to call it. Consensual living is as close as I can get.
Also Calm, I believe the toddler running into the road was your dilemma, and you said you didn't get any responses for what you could have done on the spot. I would suspect that is because preventing it in the future would be considered a more practical route, because next time it will be a totally different situation you have to deal with, with totally different circumstances, and any suggestions I give you might not be applicable. In fact, I'll give you a whole list of what I might've tried, but I wasn't there, so there might have been reasons why they wouldn't have worked, or why they weren't acceptable to you or your son. Likewise I might have seen other solutions if I were in the moment. Either way it isn't helpful to say, "you missed this or that," or "you could have been more creative/playful/flexible/whatever." I don't want to say or imply that you somehow did it wrong; I don't even know that I would have found these answers in the heat of the moment. In retrospect, I think I would have:
But you might have a lot of reasons why those things wouldn't have worked for you in your situation.
Your ongoing sling problem is something I faced as well when ds was too big and active to comfortably ride, but not quite mature enough to keep himself safe. I tied mine around my waist and made it a game to have him run circles around me and wind me up in it. Then he would tug and I would spin madly to unwind. It kept him close during a very difficult time period when he might have otherwise been prone to running off.
You could still look at it as me imposing my will, I guess. But I look at it as engaging a toddler in a form of finding consensus. My intent is to say with my actions, "Whoa, I'm not comfortable with this, here are a lot of other options," in a concise, physical way that a toddler understands. After all, most of our communication is not verbal even as adults. Taking the ability to use speech as the primary form of gaining consensus out of the equation really can be a helpful teacher in learning to be very clear and honest in your communication with your facial expressions and body language and aura, if you believe in that sort of thing. I realize that all this is a slippery slope with regard to intent and inferring consent where it may not be authentic, especially with people (children) who seem to be born with a higher need for approval and acceptance. I just say I do the best I can. I don't find that this conflicts with the ideal that "There are always consensual solutions."
I would say that is true, but that it is impossible to find a consensual solution every time for a variety of reasons. No one is totally honest with themselves or others about their needs and wants. We often have conflicting wants or needs within ourselves. No one can be aware of all the options available to them all the time. Full informed consent or true consensus would require that we all know everything and never feel conflicted within ourselves. I don't think that's a necessary or desirable step. I like what we have. And I need/want something to call it. Consensual living is as close as I can get.
Also Calm, I believe the toddler running into the road was your dilemma, and you said you didn't get any responses for what you could have done on the spot. I would suspect that is because preventing it in the future would be considered a more practical route, because next time it will be a totally different situation you have to deal with, with totally different circumstances, and any suggestions I give you might not be applicable. In fact, I'll give you a whole list of what I might've tried, but I wasn't there, so there might have been reasons why they wouldn't have worked, or why they weren't acceptable to you or your son. Likewise I might have seen other solutions if I were in the moment. Either way it isn't helpful to say, "you missed this or that," or "you could have been more creative/playful/flexible/whatever." I don't want to say or imply that you somehow did it wrong; I don't even know that I would have found these answers in the heat of the moment. In retrospect, I think I would have:
- gotten in the back seat of the car and let my son sit in the front and pretend to drive
- gone somewhere else to kill time, either on foot or in the car
- gone into the restaurant and play cave/house/peekaboo under the table
- gotten dessert first, since dinner was delayed - ice cream anyone?
- turned around and gone back home to pick up my sling
- gone back to the house and come back without the kids or sent someone else to pick up the food
- canceled the order and gotten food elsewhere with an easier environment
But you might have a lot of reasons why those things wouldn't have worked for you in your situation.
Your ongoing sling problem is something I faced as well when ds was too big and active to comfortably ride, but not quite mature enough to keep himself safe. I tied mine around my waist and made it a game to have him run circles around me and wind me up in it. Then he would tug and I would spin madly to unwind. It kept him close during a very difficult time period when he might have otherwise been prone to running off.
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