Do you prefer a family Hierarchy or Consensuality? Updated! - Page 2

[mamazee]

I guess I'd say mostly consensual. I like the idea of consensual living, but there are times where we can't find a consensual agreed way to do things and I've decided I'm really OK with that. I don't consider us to be "highly structured" though. That's more a personality thing than a parenting thing maybe. But there really isn't much in the way of hierarchy here. All of our needs are equally considered. The "combo" thing didn't sound far off the mark either. I'm probably somewhere between those two - "mostly" and "combo".

[Norasmomma]

There really isn't an answer for my view. There are times when a child is fully capable of input and there are times when it's completely inappropriate to let them make the decisions based on what is safe for them at the time.

I believe there have to some rules and structure, but am I a hard structure parent-definitely not. There are times, however when there is just one way of things being done(usually for safety reasons).

Plus my DD needs some structured rules otherwise she is just running all over the place and her decision making is still in normal 2.5 y/o development, so she needs to be directed at times.

[Ofwait]

I think that this a kind of a hard thing to compartmentalize like this. Does everyone really follow a single line of parenting the entire time? I don't, it has changed as both my children and my self have grown.
DH and I have vastly different parenting styles in many respects, but at the same time we make them work together.

We are a Benevolent Dictatorship/Oligarchy for the most part here.

[onlyzombiecat]

I didn't set out to follow a particular family structure nor have I read books about it.

I think we naturally settled into a combination. I think children need rules and structure but in our family dd has a say within those limits.
It is age appropriate input.

I know some people who could not understand that we would give our child a pretty equal vote on where to go for our family vacation for example. Dh and I would have the final decision- actually I would because dh goes on a solo trip every year so this is more for dd and myself.

[MittensKittens]

My answer has to be "other". First of all, my job is to protect my children and to keep them safe. That comes before anyone's wants and needs. Many aspects of consensual living appeal to me. I do try to reach consensus whenever possible, but I think that this really applies to older kids more and more. At times when consensus can't be reached, I - the parent - decide.

[Dr.Worm]

I voted for hierarchy with guidelines but after I voted I saw that Combo might be the one I meant. I also am having trouble with the whole consensual thing. For the most part DD, 9, is a very sweet child but lately she has really been disrespectful of her nana and me. It is like she thinks she is in charge, so much so that she has actually argued with me when I said I am actually in charge. And the thing is, I really really try hard to let her get her way most of the time unless it is a safety issue or something but the lack of respect is very hard to take. I do believe in respecting children but it works both ways you know? I am not her slave I am her mother so I hear ya OP!

[Super Glue Mommy]

can anyone give an example of when there is only one way of something being done safely? haven't encountered that yet.

[rightkindofme]

I'm on the benevolent dictator end of things. That said, I try not to have too many demands/opinions because my life is more stressful when I do. In general it seems to me that it's best to give children lots of choices in areas where it won't cause problems and to simply present what is going to happen in areas where there might be problems.

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

can anyone give an example of when there is only one way of something being done safely? haven't encountered that yet.

The only safe/legal way for a child to ride in a car is to be in a car seat. It's pretty non-negotiable. The only other alternative would be to not go in the car, but that's not alway an option.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

can anyone give an example of when there is only one way of something being done safely? haven't encountered that yet.

I have one walking on the road-it is required for DD to hold my hand when we encounter a car-and she hates it, but it has to be done this way. We live on a country road and when there are no cars, she can run ahead. Not touching the pellet stove period. There are a bunch more examples that I can think of-all having to do with cars, hot things and general safety.

[Super Glue Mommy]

but there are still other options involved in that.

Riding in a car seat properly strapped in WITHOUT anything "fun" in addition
or
Riding in a car seat properly strapped in WITH something fun.

There are different ways you can buckle them in safely:
while singing a song or being quiet. You push the buckle in, or they push the buckle in.

I could probably think of hundreds of different ways to safely ride in a car seat. I am open to an example there there is only ONE way to do something safely, but I haven't encountered that yet. There are usually more then one way to do something safely.

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

but there are still other options involved in that.

Riding in a car seat properly strapped in WITHOUT anything "fun" in addition
or
Riding in a car seat properly strapped in WITH something fun.

There are different ways you can buckle them in safely:
while singing a song or being quiet. You push the buckle in, or they push the buckle in.

I could probably think of hundreds of different ways to safely ride in a car seat. I am open to an example there there is only ONE way to do something safely, but I haven't encountered that yet. There are usually more then one way to do something safely.

But there is still only one way to actually ride in the car regardless of how many ways there are to be strapped in.

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

I have one walking on the road-it is required for DD to hold my hand when we encounter a car-and she hates it, but it has to be done this way. We live on a country road and when there are no cars, she can run ahead. Not touching the pellet stove period. There are a bunch more examples that I can think of-all having to do with cars, hot things and general safety.

There is more then one way to not touch the pellet stove though right? There is more then one way to hold your hand? There is more then one way for her to stay safe when a car comes by? No matter what is 'required'/necessary I find there is always multiple ways to carry out that necessity

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by riverscout

But there is still only one way to actually ride in the car regardless of how many ways there are to be strapped in.

no there is not. you can listen to music while you drive. or hold onto a special toy. sing a song, or if the child is of reading age they can read a book. They can look for certain colors or objects or letters out the window. There is not only ONE way to ride in a car while being safe. Yes, there is only one way for the buckles to buckle - but that is not the same as there being only one way to ride in the car safely - that only refers to there being only one way for the buckles to stay buckled. there are many ways to do the buckling though (child does it, parent does it, princess sleeping beauty does it, we get it done as fast as we can, we buckle it really slow), many things you can do while safely buckled in (count things, sing, look at colors, play games), and many ways to stay safely buckled in (stay buckled until mommy unbuckles you, until daddy unbuckles you, you can unbuckle yourself when we are parked in front of the house, stay buckled in while pretending you are a cat, stay buckled in until 1 hour has passed and we'll pull over to stetch, or stay bucked for half an hour before we take a pit stop to use the bathrooms).

[aprons_and_acorns]

I voted the combination choice. I'm not really into CL as my "ideal" however we seem to lean that way quite a bit on account of having a small family. With just one easygoing child it's simple most of the time to just go about things in that way. But my philosophy about our family is that my husband and I are in a leadership position.

[mamazee]

Our family was much more consensual when my dd was younger, actually. And we'd probably be more consensual if she wasn't in school. But school is where most of the "push comes to shove" issues come up. The bus comes at a certain time. Homework has to be done. And there are just different issues for a 7-year-old than a 2-year-old. You can't get a 7-year-old's attention taken away from an issue by getting a fancier toothbrush or a toy in the same way.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

There is more then one way to not touch the pellet stove though right? There is more then one way to hold your hand? There is more then one way for her to stay safe when a car comes by? No matter what is 'required'/necessary I find there is always multiple ways to carry out that necessity

Well I guess for me I just don't see it that way. Don't touch the stove-end of story. Obviously we don't see things the same, and that's fine you can parent with multiple choice and I can parent with options of times where multiple choice is appropriate and times where there is only one option. It doesn't really matter, for us this works. Whatever works for you that's fine.

[Super Glue Mommy]

I agree, having a child of school age does make things harder! (this was my son's first year in school!) but still haven't experienced the "only one way" situation yet. Yes, more sophisticated children need more sophisticated approaches. I don't look it as taking their attention away from their concerns - its about everyone addressing a concern and finding a solution that works for everyone - parent included!

Homework has to be done. It can be done in silence, or with soft music. It can be done before dinner, or after dinner. I can hang out with you while you do it, or you can do it alone in your room. You can write with this pencil or this pencil.

the bus comes at a certain time - we can go to the bus stop at 7:15 or 7:20. We can walk to the bus stop slow or fast. We can ride a bike to the bus stop. we can skip. we can play hand games while we wait (I loved hand games at the bus stop when I was that age! probably well through elementary school we did this) Yes, things have to be done, but we can find a consensual approach to doing them. Mind you, I'm not totalyl consensual, as a consensual person may say "then homeschool" for example - which is yet another option. I just don't feel so limited that there is ever only one way to get something done.

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

no there is not. you can listen to music while you drive. or hold onto a special toy. sing a song, or if the child is of reading age they can read a book. They can look for certain colors or objects or letters out the window. There is not only ONE way to ride in a car while being safe. Yes, there is only one way for the buckles to buckle - but that is not the same as there being only one way to ride in the car safely - that only refers to there being only one way for the buckles to stay buckled. there are many ways to do the buckling though, and many ways to stay safely buckled in.

There is a difference between ways to ride happily and ways to ride safely. The only way to ride safely or legally is for the child to be strapped into a car seat. Period.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

Homework has to be done. It can be done in silence, or with soft music. It can be done before dinner, or after dinner. I can hang out with you while you do it, or you can do it alone in your room. You can write with this pencil or this pencil.

LOL. See my daughter won't be distracted from the real issue - homework vs. no homework. LOL. I wonder if that'll work for your child for much longer. If so, yay for you!