|"TCS is everyone getting what they want"
"TCS is no one deferring to or giving in to anyone."
I'll take a stab. I spent some time awhile back studying up on TCS. I think the idea is, you can decide to want something that you didn't want before, because the other person / people want it. I know it can get sticky because nothing is 100% all the time, right? But I think people will take into account the fact that you also want your family members to be happy. Otherwise you're just assuming that everyone is naturally greedy or doesn't care about other people's feelings.
So during the negotiations, you can change your priorities and decide this time you want what the other person wants, too. Just my take on things, and I'm definitely not a TCS'er
Although I can see the good points in all of these approaches.
One thing I struggle with is: which is the right approach for making it more likely that the child will internalize the moral/lesson? My DH would say, the more often you make them do it, the more consistent you are with your authority and your example, the more likely they will internalize the habits/morals/values you want them to have. Others would say, if you have to "make them" do something, you cannot also "make them" feel something (eg in the case of forcing an apology). and that by having required something of them, they attribute the reason they acted in a certain way to having been made to do it, and not an internal reason. So they will be less likely to make that choice on their own in the future, possibly when mom or dad aren't there to make it for them. Which is where I have a problem.
I definitely feel that unless they also have the choice *not* to do or feel something, they do not really have the choice *to* do or feel the "right thing". If it's not their choice. I want my kids to pick up their toys once a day or when I ask them, whatever, but if I make them and they do it without wanting to, then they also can't have made the decision to do the right thing by helping take care of the house and cooperating with the family... they only did it because they had to.
Sigh. I don't know where I stand exactly on it. I know there is some stuff about internal/external motivation in Unconditional Parenting, it just confuses me sometimes.