|there are always consensual solutions. If you don't use them at the time though, then all you have are solutions for the future , that is true, but that does not mean at the time there were no consensual solutions.
This is true for your
life. Not mine. Not Jane Doe's. Not anyone else's but your
life. You cannot say what is true or not true for my life, why do you continue to do that? CL keeps insisting that what is true for some is true for all – based on what? Assumption - Because it is true for you it therefore must be true for others? Or is it faith - You hope it is always true, and when it isn't it is because you didn't look hard enough?
You say that those of us who had no consensual solutions actually did, but we “didn't use them at the time”. You were not there. How do you know that we had consensual solutions we overlooked? When my son keeps going for the road, these are my options:
sit in the car instead of wait outside the restaurant;
let him go onto the road;
take him for a walk;
Do a Macgyver and fashion a sling out of my own pants or weave magic with blade of grass, piece of gum and a hairclip;
Stand there acting the clown and hope to keep his attention for the longer-than-banked-on time for the food to cook;
Sell him to the nearest bidder;
keep pulling him back from the road in a fun and toddler friendly fashion.
Yes. Deceiving isn't it? Such a long list, how could I say I have no options? Here's why:sit in the car instead of wait outside the restaurant
: I went to the car when he first got too heavy to hold, and he kept shaking at the door handle in between tears of complaint. That lasted a few minutes before I resigned myself to the fact that it was not consensual
(he wasn't happy).let him go onto the road
: sometimes I did. But for obvious reasons, I couldn't let him stay on the road for long. It wasn't a busy road, but it also wasn't a quiet one. Not consensual
because he didn't like me deciding when he couldn't go on it, he didn't like me thwarting his self determination
.take him for a walk
: the design of the area is such that roads are everywhere. Although I tried this, I was in the same situation, only in motion. Not consensual
Do a Macgyver and fashion a sling out of my own pants or weave magic with blade of grass, piece of gum and a hairclip
: I didn't have a piece of gum, and the pants I was wearing were capri – too short to wrap around me. Although I have
done this. The other problem is, he has started kicking to get out of the sling, so this is no longer the cure all it used to be.Stand there acting the clown and hope to keep his attention for the longer-than-banked-on time for the food to cook
: I did that most of the time. I always try to keep him engaged or content (which isn't always fair to my daughter) but when he wants something, he isn't interested. I get him to pat stray dogs (that owners say are safe) we inspect new and interesting objects, even an interesting wall. Sometimes this works. This wasn't one of those times.Sell him to the nearest bidder
: there were no bidders.keep pulling him back from the road in a fun and toddler friendly fashion
: this turned out to be the only solution we could stick with and it was not consensual
. As I mentioned in the problem post itself.
In future, and in the past, it has not been an issue, either because his mood was different or because I had more preparation. The variable – his mood – is the biggest obstacle in finding consensual solutions, but not the only obstacle.
I'm sure that for you, your kid would have been happily zoomed away from the road, and as Pat often uses that suggestion, it must be a cure all for most people. I'm sure your kid, or the average CL kid would have been distracted. Maybe you would have brought your sling. Maybe the average CL parent doesn't even get take out cos they are cooking up a healthy storm in the kitchen 7 nights a week. Maybe a CL mother would trust her child so fiercely they let them go on the road and
the baby only goes on it when it is safe. Whatever makes this situation have endless consensual solutions for you
, that's great. But for me, there were none. Same situations, different results. We allow different limits (eg, I won't allow my son to go on the road, some might), we have different resources, different kids... that all factors into it.
It's not about a label, it's about false advertising. And just in this one scenario (and there are SO many others) there are "must nots" (must not go on the road when a car is coming) there are no consensual solutions, some didn't get what they wanted, there is thwarted self determination due to no other options that keep him safe, and there are a bunch of other laws "broken". I'm sure to satisfy yourself you will say that you're sure there were options I just overlooked, TONS of them, INFINITE options that in that moment would have kept all three of us happy and getting all we want.
I see people get completely invalidated by CL. Some of them are even in the CL group's pdf of examples. Yet they are totally invalidated and no one picked up on it! One is the example of the woman in the car park who's child has the car keys and won't give them back and it is 100 degrees out and the car is cooking. She tries things but she needs them NOW, it is too hot and she is getting fuzzy. So she has to take them from the child. The CL suggestions were all these things to do in future
(park in the shade, take a second set of keys... ) there was ONE option suggested for the actual
situation and it was to walk to the shade until the child relinquished the keys of their own volition. She explained that it was a ten minute walk to the nearest shade across a hot carpark! That was the end of the suggestions, and the example. And that's supposed to be a prime example of a consensual solution??
That's what makes no sense with all this. People end up shaking their head and moving on with a "whatev" in their mind and all us CLers think we've had another stroke of brilliance. I'm saying we're just invalidating people and fooling ourselves as these people are screaming they have no consensual options at that moment and CL keeps insisting they do, even though they can't find them either, and turn their back on her questions when the going gets too tough.