Is it rude to ask the student midwife to not be there?

[DahliaRW]

I'm seriously considering this with one of my mws. I met the student mw for the first time last week and she just rubbed me the wrong way. I know I have more appointments and more chances to get to know her before I make up my mind, but I just don't see myself being comfortable with this person.

I'm working with a team of two mws, both of whome I love btw, so I may not even get the mw with the student mw I don't like.

Not really sure how to handle it if it remains an issue.

[wbg]

Mama..it is your birth and you need to surround yourself with people who will support you and empower you. If this woman can not do so you have every right to politely request she not be there. It is not necessarily a personal reflection on her. Sometimes even the nicest of two people will not connect well together.

[super mamabug]

Nope not rude at all, normal and expected request. They won't even blink at that.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by super mamabug

Nope not rude at all, normal and expected request. They won't even blink at that.

Exactly. I've always refused students, last time I knew knew her well personally but I just didn't want another person in my birth space.

[Christine4kiddos]

As a student myself as well as a home-birther... I say be honest about how you feel. No one would take offense to a mother not wanting an extra person at her birth... after all, it's part of why home birth is so awesome... you get to have it your way!!!!

[annekh23]

Definitely not a problem in saying no. My last birth was essentially done by a student midwife, I don't know whether it really made a difference, but I felt that though the supervising midwife was in the room all the time that she didn't quite have a handle on things and I felt watched with no one actually really being there for me - it could have been like that anyway, but this time I'd have no hesitation in saying no students, whether I was at home or at hospital.

[Jilian]

I agree with the others; it is not offensive at all to ask for her not to attend. It is your birth and you should not invite people that you don't mesh well with.

[Lisa1970]

She may be upset by it, but I think it should be good training for her to learn not to take this stuff personally. All through her career she will meet people who don't hire her or who disagree with her.

I ask for no students to be present for anything on anything done for me or my family. I do this because their learning experience has gotten in the way of my child's medical treatment before and took my entire day of time. Ever since then, I go through every consent form and make sure I cross out the part where it says that interns, residents, students, etc, can work with my child or me.

[MamaMonica]

I agree with the others...it's OK. I had student midwives present at my births, but my midwife asked me I was comfortable with them and gave me the option to refuse.

[cathicog]

I don't think it is rude, even from a student mw's perspective. It is your birth, and if she rubs you the wrong way, say something to the mw. My preceptor had some clients who didn't want me there, so I didn't go to those births. But I went to others. And there were some clients that she told them, that i was the only person to help available at the time, but that I would stay out of the way. And I did. There will be other births for the student to go to...

[Maggi315]

We always tell our clients that it's up to them who will be at their birth. so they need to let me know if they don't want a particular person. Of course, they need to understand that although we always try to get the midwife there they want, we can't guarantee it. but for students, yes, we can guarantee that.

But the reason I work with other midwives is to have that coverage in case I can't be there. having said that, I hate to miss a birth! But in some cases, i would have to. For example, my daughter just had her appendix out and I would not have gone to a birth for those few days when she was in the hospital and just home (thankfully I had none).

I teach RN students and it is not uncommon for someone to tell us they don't want a student, or to decide throughout the morning they don't want one (for many reasons, could be personality, could be they are exhausted, too many other people coming and going, bad past experience, whatever). So we simply reassign and not make a big deal of it, the students know that it's part of the deal of being a RN student. Same goes for midwifery students.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

I had something similar happen. It was the back up midwife and I thought I could deal with her and during my birthing time I really disliked her, even more than when I had first met her. She was the total opposite of my midwife. It borderline ruined my experience. If she is not meshing well with you, say something now.

[inaweofmommyhood]

Speak now if you have the chance - you can read my birth story if you wish - I was lied to and bombarded - felt like a homework assignment at a midwifery slumber party....This time around my midwife (NOT using the same one) knows that the max is 2 mws and I have approved the assistant and an alternate (just in case). Seriously - speak up now......

[AVeryGoodYear]

It's totally not rude! You need to be as comfortable as possible and feel that everyone around you is totally supportive and trustworthy. Talk to the student's mentor now. You can always change your mind and invite the student to the birth once you're actually in labour, but letting the midwife know at this point that you're uncomfortable is a responsible thing to do. Remember, the midwife is mentoring this student, and medical knowledge is only one part of what they do -- the mental and emotional support are even more important, and the student needs to learn how to connect with her mothers on all levels!

[blissful_maia]

It's absolutely not rude, and this is coming from a student midwife. It's the same as if you met a midwife you didn't like or "mesh" with, it's totally within your rights to decide who is at your birth. No one can read your mind, you have to communicate your wishes clearly! If you can narrow down what it was about her that rubbed you the wrong way, you might wish to mention that to her preceptor midwife when you decline her involvement, because perhaps it's something she could improve in the future.

[groovynaturemama]

i'm a student midwife and would not be offended if i was not wanted at a birth. it's not my birth, it's not my choice. i also know that my midwife asks any mama if they are ok with me being there, and we ALWAYS get their permission before i do anything (palpate the baby, take a blood pressure, draw blood, etc.). this includes anything at the birth too. we generally will discuss it beforehand with the mama, like if she's ok with my hands being with the midwife's hands as the baby comes out. this is such a sacred event, and i can't imagine just being so up close and personal without discussing it first. i always am sure to tell the mama that i won't be offended at all if they say no to any of the things i would be doing.

[TzippityDoulah]

not rude at all!

when I was "mentoring" doulas I would always ask the parent(s) first how they felt about havign the extra doula there. often they liked it b/c they got two for the price of one... but sometimes they said they didn't feel comfortable with it. and i more than respected it. and if I could tell they were saying "yes" b/c they were too worried about hruting my or the other doulas feelings, I would also take that as a no and just kinda... forget to invite the other doula so they didn't feel put off.

If you and the student didn't click, no biggie. just mention you'd prefer her not to be there and you feel it's too many people or whatever. if anything weird came of it, I'd be very surprised!