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Smoking?? - Page 2

post #21 of 35
Thread Starter 
Most of these kids aren't even in her school because they're in different grades, lower and higher. They all live in the neighborhood and they're in the 9-16 age range. So, its not a particular crowd. Its everyone!

A different school is out of the question and not really necessary since its not kids from school. She participates in dance and is there 3 days a week. I cut her back from after school activities because she never learned how to just be a kid. Her father had her in something every single moment so she became used to her life being dictated and planned.

Her "playing outside" with friends is pretty new to her. Only within the last year has that been an option for her at all. Many nights she still doesn't have time to do it with homework and dance. I was attempting to balance her scheduled activities with free time....
post #22 of 35
it seems like she would do well with some self esteem building activities. art, yoga, sports. What can you get her involved in that would help build esteem?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post
ETA: Grounding wasn't a solution, or even the final decision. It was merely something that had to be done for yesterday so that we could talk and figure things out.

I am not entirely sure what I can do to ensure she won't do this behavior again. Honestly it seems my hands are tied. We talk, we discuss, we have open communication. But when it comes down to it, my daughter is a follower. She is easily led and swayed and doesn't have a strong enough character to stand up and say "no" to something she doesn't want to do. This scares me in ways even more important than smoking!

Short of grounding her to her room for life, there isn't much I can do.

Yes I'm telling every single parent of the children there were involved. They have a right to know what their children are doing regardless if they're going to do anything about it or not.

I honestly believe that if my daughter goes outside to play with these kids, that they'll be lighting up again this afternoon.

Where is that line drawn between, "I'm not going to let this happen!" and "I've done all I can." ?
post #23 of 35
Hugs to you, mama.

I think you are handling it very well. I would have grounded my dd, too. For not telling me, AND for smoking. In our house, we have two family members who are VERY allergic to smoke. Even the residue causes asthma attacks. Endangering family members AND smoking behind my back would have resulted in grounding. It has been made clear from day one in my house that there is no smoking, not even on the premises, not even when we have parties where there are smokers. So to smoke would be a huge thing in our house.

However, I do think the issue is complicated by the fact that you have smokers in your family. I can see in her 10 year old mind that it is difficult for her to understand why it's not okay for her to smoke, but stepdad can? If she can't understand the addiction, she's not going to understand people dying of lung cancer. All those people look ancient to 10 year olds, anyway; it's not going to make much of an impression.

Keep the communication, keep up with the boundaries, and good luck.
post #24 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by lorijds View Post

However, I do think the issue is complicated by the fact that you have smokers in your family. I can see in her 10 year old mind that it is difficult for her to understand why it's not okay for her to smoke, but stepdad can? If she can't understand the addiction, she's not going to understand people dying of lung cancer. All those people look ancient to 10 year olds, anyway; it's not going to make much of an impression.
post #25 of 35
Thread Starter 
My husband is trying to quit. Its difficult for him, compounded by a social and anxiety disorder. He really is trying, and my dd has seen him struggle with it. She knows that its been hard for him to quit, its not a secret. She also knows I used to smoke and I quit. Her own friend A is having a hard time stopping because she is addicted already. I think she laughs addiction off because its easier than talking about it.

She's been doing that about a lot of things lately. Laughing or making light of important things, or changing the subject abruptly when its something she doesn't want to talk about. And lately, its been everything she doesn't want to talk about!

She told me today that she likes hanging around this crowd of kids because even though they do bad things, when they aren't bad.. they're fun to be with. And besides, she said... the stuff they do is no big deal. Everyone does it.

That right there is what kids hear and see when parents do nothing. She sees that other kids get no consequences for anything they do. They never get caught. They never get grounded. They never lose privileges. Nothing. they simply don't care.

I let her know that I will never be that parent that doesn't care.

So I'm the only one in the entire neighborhood that cares... so be it. We'll get through this...
post #26 of 35
You are in such a tough spot. I can see you are thoughtful and caring, and I know you are doing your best.

And what more can you do? I think you are doing a great job.
post #27 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lorijds View Post
You are in such a tough spot. I can see you are thoughtful and caring, and I know you are doing your best.

And what more can you do? I think you are doing a great job.
Thank you. Really, you have no idea what that means to me.
post #28 of 35
This is a toughie I know. I started smoking at 9 and I have 2 girls that started young. We can ground them, lecture them, take away priveledges, watch them like hawks etc...but if they want to smoke they will still find a way. I don't have much advice..just offering Hugggggggggs. Barb (non smoker for 92 days!)
post #29 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by barbara73069 View Post
Barb (non smoker for 92 days!)
Congratulations Barb!
post #30 of 35
I have 2 boys, ages 14 and 13 now who have smoked since about ages 10 and 9. I tried everything under the sun to get them to stop (punishing, grounding, taking away priveleges, etc., etc)....Guess what? NOTHING WORKED ! They still smoked ! Bottom line is that if they intend to smoke as kids, they are going to do it. I ended up having to admit defeat and just hope that at some time in the future reality sets in on them. I just let them know i love them and that my stand has not changed as to being opposed to it. But there really is nothing more I can do. Basically, they won the battle and I lost...and they are still smoking.
post #31 of 35
Where would a 9 and 10 year old get the money or access to cigs? A slightly older teen (or a teen at all) I could see but 9 and 10 year olds don't usually have jobs. ETA: I am asking for the 9& 10 yos who smoked regularly, I can see how they could get a few from older friends.
post #32 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shann View Post
I have 2 boys, ages 14 and 13 now who have smoked since about ages 10 and 9. I tried everything under the sun to get them to stop (punishing, grounding, taking away priveleges, etc., etc)....Guess what? NOTHING WORKED ! They still smoked ! Bottom line is that if they intend to smoke as kids, they are going to do it. I ended up having to admit defeat and just hope that at some time in the future reality sets in on them. I just let them know i love them and that my stand has not changed as to being opposed to it. But there really is nothing more I can do. Basically, they won the battle and I lost...and they are still smoking.
Can I ask where they are getting these cigarettes? They are locked up pretty well in most stores, and they are also very, very expensive. If your kids' allowance is enough to spend on cigarettes, would you be willing to adopt me?

But in all seriousness- smoking has been declining with children because of the expense, and stores being unwilling to deal with the head ache if they are caught selling to under-age kids. Do they have an older relative or friend who is giving them ciggies? How much are they getting a week, as far as cigarettes go?
post #33 of 35
Thread Starter 
I know this wasn't directed towards me, but my guess is that either they or friends of theirs are stealing them from other people. Thats how the crowd around here gets it.

And as an update, my dd has not tried smoking again since and has no desire to from what she says. I believe her.
post #34 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post
I know this wasn't directed towards me, but my guess is that either they or friends of theirs are stealing them from other people. Thats how the crowd around here gets it.

And as an update, my dd has not tried smoking again since and has no desire to from what she says. I believe her.
What a releif! thanks for the update I have been wondering how you and your dd are doing ..
post #35 of 35
Hi all,

I've removed some UA violations from this thread, and I've also locked it because it's an old thread and the OP has posted that the issue has been resolved. If you'd like to discuss children and smoking further, please start a new thread. I am leaving this on the boards for reference, though, because a lot of posters had helpful ideas and feedback.

Thanks,

Dar
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