Originally Posted by dhinderliter
... dating my BF (ugh that is not the word to describe him) whom I would follow like a puppy of which me and him are polyamorous (and he's married) of which HIS wife is having a hard time and I really have large doubts that I will ever get a commitment from him that would satisfy my feelings.
Well..... ahem..... if you have (large!) doubts that you'll ever get any commitment from him that would satisfy you, and you are in such a tenuous place right now emotionally, in a not-quite-done marriage, and you are unhappy and predicting more pain.... why not jump off this train, let that BF you are crazy about know that when he's ready for what you're ready for, you'll be there, and take a few breaths on your own. And decide if you really ARE poly. I mean, you haven't been out there dating since high school so perhaps you really don't know exactly what types of romantic relationships you are best designed for...? I think of polyamory as being kind of a varsity level relationships-management/human-relationships-juggling activity. Sure, people can live that way and be happy, but it seems fraught with landmines and best navigated by those who are dead certain about it, preferrably dead certain and established with a primary partner, and ready to calmly handle each sticky situation and complication one at a time (with that primary, sturdy partner I just mentioned, preferrably).... No offense, and I don't know you, but the way you describe where your head is at nowadays, it doesn't sound like you are feeling very settled and clear about ....romance in general, and what kind of relationship you want and with whom. Maybe just start with Junior Varsity dating activities (two single people getting to know each other) and move up to Varsity when you are feeling confident and ready to explore that side of yourself, with someone whom you feel is really on board/on the same page with you about it.
I don't really know what I'm talking about so take what I say with a grain of salt. BUT, you have admitted you are hurt, nervous, scared, angry, and lonely and perhaps you are right--you won't attract the right kind of guy this very minute in that mindset. Try to get to a calmer, happier place within yourself and then think about what you really want and whether current BF can give that to you at all. Good luck! Keep us posted!