April Dating thread - Page 3

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by Holland73

:

(Great book, too!)

Neediness and desperation are typically signs of someone who is NOT happy and content in their own life. They are looking for someone -- quite desperately -- to 'complete' them and bring meaning/happiness to their lives. That is a very dangerous and unhealthy mix to get involved in.

Listen to your instincts, heed their warning and be VERY clear and honest with this man.

I agree with this, thanks mamas. I dunno if Im looking at this wrong though. I also pick up on that he is genuine and maybe just "giddy" about meeting someone that seems to be a good fit. I dont think he has bad intentions or bad habits... Im not just getting a neg vibe but a good one too. Im trying to filter my emotions and just look at the facts you know? He told me that he feels a "connection" with me already and talking to him makes him "feel something". I kind of get what he means, I think he is trying to say that he enjoys our conversations and that we seem to be hitting it off but his wording is a bit odd... maybe he just isnt good with words...idk

[sugarmoon]

organicpapaya -- sounds like it could be either overly clingy or just not shy about letting you know he really likes you -- so far. I'd say go for a low key first meeting (say coffee) where you've said ahead of time that you'll have to leave for sure after an hour or so (say, have him meet you during your lunch hour or something) so you can get a read on him in person, but not be "stuck".

Butterfly, the age difference with Jester is very similar to yours -- 17 years, I'm 31, he's 48. We'll see. I'm pretty curious to see if he'll come by.....

I'm feeling pretty down about Complications today. I'd sort of made my peace with it, but then realized how sad I was when I checked my email this morning and hadn't heard from him. I used to get at least an email every day from him, just sort of checking in on how I was doing, and it sure was nice to feel like someone cared about me, in that little day to day way. The other weird thing is that I found a job I REALLY want. The problem is it is in Complication's town (also a very tiny rural community), spitting distance from his house, and the job involves organizing a lot of events at the town's community center. If I get it, it would drop me smack dab in the middle of Complication's friends, neighbors and social life.

What do you guys think? It is a *great* job for me in every way, I have other friends in that town, and in general it is a really nice community to be in. But, it is *his* town. Part of me feels like, well, whatever, he shouldn't matter, he had his chance to matter in my life, you know?. But then I think I'm just setting myself up for pain if I do it.

Help??

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama

I agree with this, thanks mamas. I dunno if Im looking at this wrong though. I also pick up on that he is genuine and maybe just "giddy" about meeting someone that seems to be a good fit. I dont think he has bad intentions or bad habits... Im not just getting a neg vibe but a good one too. Im trying to filter my emotions and just look at the facts you know? He told me that he feels a "connection" with me already and talking to him makes him "feel something". I kind of get what he means, I think he is trying to say that he enjoys our conversations and that we seem to be hitting it off but his wording is a bit odd... maybe he just isnt good with words...idk

I don't know. I was super giddy with my bf when we *initially* met online, but it wasn't the center of my life (sure it was on my mind 24/7)and I definitely wasn't setting my alarm at 4am to be the first to txt him in the am nor was I txting him all day long AFTER he told me he would be busy... ykwim?

It doesn't matter how he feels. It is too early for it to matter about what he feels... how do YOU feel? At this stage, for you, it should be 100% about how you feel. If you are not feeling it, you have two options: cut your loses and try again OR be very clear andhonest about how you feel about his premature entrallment with you and continue to gauge the situation.

Personally, I would go for the former. If my instincts are telling me something doesn't feel right, I refuse to waste my time on it. You never know who you might be missing if you are wasting time with someone that has your antennae tweaking (negatively) at the VERY beginning.

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by Holland73

I don't know. I was super giddy with my bf when we *initially* met online, but it wasn't the center of my life (sure it was on my mind 24/7)and I definitely wasn't setting my alarm at 4am to be the first to txt him in the am nor was I txting him all day long AFTER he told me he would be busy... ykwim?

It doesn't matter how he feels. It is too early for it to matter about what he feels... how do YOU feel? At this stage, for you, it should be 100% about how you feel. If you are not feeling it, you have two options: cut your loses and try again OR be very clear andhonest about how you feel about his premature entrallment with you and continue to gauge the situation.

Personally, I would go for the former. If my instincts are telling me something doesn't feel right, I refuse to waste my time on it. You never know who you might be missing if you are wasting time with someone that has your antennae tweaking (negatively) at the VERY beginning.

some very good points.... honestly I dont know how I feel, its only been 24 hours kwim? I have mixed feelings and im not 100% of anything... i think its much too early to know anything really for sure. I am going to be honest and up front about it if it continues. the plus side is that he has not contacted me since the text this morning and he is off today so I know he could have had a million opportunities by now to do so... I think Im gonna see what happens with this. He is a very good listener so lets see if he can apply what my likes and needs are.... and again I wanted to clarify that its not so much that it doesnt feel "right" it just feels rushed I think. ill let you mamas know what happens.

[guestmama9915]

sugarmoon-- I would think about basing your decision on, if Complications wasn't in the picture, would you go for the job? That would really suck to pass on something you really want because of him.

Sounds like y'all are all having a lot of fun.

I don't really want to get into the details of what my boy and I have been dealing with. It's just been a lot of emotional things and misunderstandings and in the end just me not listening to my instincts. I'm crazy about him and it feels right for him to be in my life, and I just needed to remind myself that this is *my* life and nobody can tell me what is right for it except for *me*. In any case, yesterday was our 3 month "anniversary"-- he came over and had dinner with me and the girls and it was really lovely. The girls are just crazy about him, too, and it's now gotten to the point where they're getting used to him being around and don't go crazy excited. I'm surprised he can handle the 3 of them and the chaos!! He's already met my parents and I'll be meeting his probably next weekend which I'm very excited about.

[Bad Mama Jama]

dating? hmmmm... not really. i can't find a soul that holds my attention. the last one i tried to date was a bit too clingy, so i let him go, so i'm back to the beginning again.

[lah7]

So I'll give my update.

A bit over a month ago, I went on that first post-divorce date, which I totally intended to be a one-night stand, if it worked out.

I admit, I failed miserably at the one-night stand. I've seen him most days since then, and spent a LOT of time together. My house is falling apart because I spend my nights without the kids at his place. And yet...it's good! Very, very good. It kind of sucks because I've got to fit time with him in around the kids, as I'm not ready for them to know about me dating.

I've been in denial that I'm in a relationship. Total denial. Because I didn't want one, I wasn't interested in ever having another relationship and I felt disgusted about the entire concept. I was just....regularly dating someone who wasn't dating anyone else, either.

Well, I'm about ready to admit that I do have a relationship. This is greatly exacerbated by the fact that I've been invited to Easter dinner with his family (OMG, I want to die, I'm so nervous.) And then the fact that he introduced me to someone as his girlfriend and I've been to his place of employment and met coworkers and...yeah. All that's left now is to change Facebook statuses. That's how you know it's serious, right??

I'm terrified that if/when this ends, it will be emotionally devastating and I won't have the reserves to deal with that on top of juggling the day to day life as a single mom. I only have so much strength to go around and I can't let myself get derailed by some man, right? But I guess I've decided to take that risk and I really, really hope that I don't regret the decision. Or that if things implode, it won't happen during exam week or something.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Seie

Gentleman sounds interesting. However I would get clearified pretty soon what he is after.

Well.... he and I exchanged texts throughout the day and then he called me a few hours ago during the evening and I asked him straight out what sort of a relationship he was looking for. Really interrogated him on what his intentions were. He said all the right things about hoping for something solid and lasting and monogomous, but not feeling obsessed about trying to find that/make that happen since it's ineffective to will it to happen, anyways. He's just open and still kinda hoping to find a lasting partner, but also ok with this stage of his life as a single dad and entrepreneur (and sailor, hunter, traveller, dancer, motorcycle-rider, etc etc etc). I didn't ask if he wants more kids someday, but he knows that I definitely might still want kids in the coming decade. He seems excited to meet my kids whenever he thinks it's the right time, because he thinks that the kids *must* be amazing, since they are mine. Nice approach to that one. And if he's gung ho on being around my small children at some point, he can't be totally anti-child, can he? Eh, forget the obsessing, I'll just ask him point blank next time I see him (next week) if he's open to more children or not.
I normally would balk at the 18 year age difference (29 and 47??!) but..... I've just never seen a man over 35 that looks that sexy. Never seen a guy over 40 who looks so virile. Such thick wavy strawberry blonde hair (not receeding in the slightest) and 30-something-year-old-looking-face. And 6'4", broad shouldered, muscular body. The Gentleman really doesn't seem that much older than Smoothie, although Smoothie is 32, 15 years younger.

So, sugarmoon, Jester is also gettin' up there and pushin' 50! Glad to hear I'm not the only one with an older gent. Forget about Complications and take the job, if that's what feels right. You'll be over Complications down the line, be with someone worthy, and it wont' matter that he's nearby.

lah7 I totally understand what you mean about feeling pained at the thought of dealing with a heartbreak on top of life as a single mom and how it's not ideal. But....sounds like you are in for a penny in for a pound already with this guy. Better just ride it out and follow your heart and know that you are making the best choices you can with the information you have and if pain and heartbreak come along with this, eventually, that's just life and you will be strong enough to recover.

organicpapayamama, just see what happens and keep us posted.
I agree about the brief coffee date.

Bad Mama Jama, just hang in there and someone you feel is worth your time will eventually come along when you least expect it.

[organicpapayamama]

ok met him for coffee today for an hour.... it was a fiasco.... oh well. no surprise there I guess, moving along....

[sugarmoon]

papaya, give us the details!! Sorry it was a fiasco, but at least you found out sooner than later, ya know?

lah7, sounds great! Take it one day at a time, be true to yourself, and the rest will work out.

butterfly...the Gentleman def. sounds like a contender..

I'm going to go ahead and apply for the job. If it wasn't for Complications, I'd have no reservations about wanting the job, so whatever. If I get it, he can act like a grown up and deal with me being there, or he can just stop going to community events in his town

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama

ok met him for coffee today for an hour.... it was a fiasco.... oh well. no surprise there I guess, moving along....

Um...I second sugarmom's request for details! Fiasco coffee dates are what fabulous girtalk stories are made of.

So New Nerd and I have morphed into the friends-zone, seemingly without a hitch. I told him weeks ago I just wanted to be friends, and he is cool with that, and we hung out in his living room last night watching a movie and drinking, and then went out to a gay club (only place in town that was crowded and 'happening' last night) for dancing. He ended up finding a cute little gal to dance with and escape to some corner to make out with, and I found an intelligent lady my age to spend the rest of the night dancing and talking with. He had a blast and loves having me as a 'wing man' to go out with, and we have fun. So no devastating heartbreak on his end from my having experimented with and used him a bit for awhile when I was only-lukewarm-interested in him, and then cutting off the romantic aspect. (*whew* morality concerns can perhaps be put to rest in terms of how I use men as disposable kleenex) Anyway, about this woman I met last night. We exchanged information and she really wants to spend more time with me soon. She just got out of a 7 year engagement and me out of a 6 year marital relationship and so on, and we didn't discuss the homosexual backdrop of our meeting or ask if one was interested in the other..... : It seemed and felt very platonic, so it probably felt that way on her end too. I suppose I'll find out next time I see her. I'm not totally straight myself, I enjoy having female FWB as well as male ones...but I've never and would never be interested in dating a woman. At least I haven't yet met a woman in my life that I thought of as romantic potential. I'll be sure to tread cautiously with her so as not to lead her on if she's thinking we might start dating (if she's even looking to partner with a woman herself).

: Anyway, gonna go buy some wax and come home & use it, and try not to recreate that horrible Valentine's Day scenario with waxing that left me bruised and horrible looking. : (God, that was so bad.... almost as bad as the Valentine's date who ate my food and soaked up my hospitality and then announced he just wasn't that into me, to my face) Yes, yes, I'm a sexually empowered single mom and I'm waxing just in case Smoothie is cool and shows serious intent and feelings for me tonight, and I feel like he deserves to see me naked. It may be his last solid shot at turning my head squarely in his direction before this sexy older Gentleman lures me away to play on his yacht. After all, next week (Thursday he said his day is nearly empty and would like to make some plans for us to spend time together) I see the Gentleman again and I must admit I'm seriously excited about that and have a feeling that this might have potential...

[organicpapayamama]

ok ok Ill put the details.....so I knew already looking at his pic online that he wasnt really my "type" but he was kinda nerdy cute and so I thought maybe a spark could happen. We met at a starbucks and he drove pretty far to meet me so I thought that was thoughtful. He was sitting down outside and when he got up the first thing I noticed was that he was short. Like just a tad shorter than me. I am 5 ft 8 in so Im not a short girl... and the height thing just kinda turned me off and felt really weird to have to be looking sort of down to talk to him. I thought, Im not gonna be superficial and give this guy a chance and lets talk in person and see how it goes. oh and the first thing he tells me when he sees me is "just as advertised"...

so I am the type of girl to want to pay for herself, even if it is just a coffee.... I dont want the guy thinking that I owe him anything, esp on the first date. So i already had it in my mind to pay but thought that he might offer, actually I expected him to offer, did he? NO. as a matter of fact I got the impression he wanted me to pay for him! (did I mention we were supposed to do a sushi dinner before these coffee plans were made and he cancelled on me at the last min saying he wasnt hungry...ya... and I was starving cuz I work a 6-3 shift so the last time I ate was at lunch which was 10 am and he knew this!!)

So then we go and sit outside to chat. All I could notice was that there were a TON of moles all over his face and neck.. not the huge enrique iglesias moles but the flat kinds... still kinda gross... its like connect the dots. and he shapes his eyebrows, I could totally tell... while I appreciate a man taking care of his appearance and doing some "man-scaping" The shaping of the eyebrows was a little much for me. While were were talking I felt he didnt really make an effort to start any communication. I had to be the one to fill the time and ask the questions. all he would do is answer the questions. Oh and can I add this was really weird for me to begin with, my first date in 6 yrs, my first time meeting someone online and it was way out of my comfort zone and in the middle of talking my earring falls off.. wtf? ha ha it was kinda funny... I was like...ok guess I wont be wearing those and took them off and put them in my purse.... ya anywho.... we werent even there an hour yet, maybe 50min and I had not finished my coffee and he wasnt even 1/2 way finished with his drink and out of no where he says "Do you have to go?" I was like what? although it wasnt the best date I wasnt giving off the get me out of here look or anything.... I was thrown off by him asking that... so I thought maybe he wasnt into me so I took it as he wasnts to go already. So I said ya actually you know my mom has been watching my son all day and I should really get home to give her a break. and he agreed. so we hugged and went our own ways. Before I made it back home he texted me saying "thank you for your time, you are very pretty." I took it as he wasnt interested, you know, the thank you for your time part, but to make it less insulting he added a compliment. Fine by me. I texted him back "thank you" and I thought that was the end of that. about an hour later he texted me again and said I think you needed a longer hug..... I never replied. very weird....

Im going to message him today sometime telling him out front how I feel so that I dont lead him on if he is interested.... sheesh. I attract all the weirdos....

[organicpapayamama]

ok spoke too soon, he just texted me "good morning".... im gonna let him know right now

[JohnnysGirl]

Thanks for the details! As painful as they were to read........

Ok, so it's 9pm on saturday night. And I'm still home and haven't heard a peep from Smoothie all day. I knew he was gonna be lost in rennovations land in his kitchen all day with his dad and he said he'd be in touch wtih me today about what time we would meet in the evening. And he didn't. And I have spent the last few hours prepping and primping and finally at 8pm texted him saying, "What time?" and one hour has just gone by with no answer. : I could have gone out on a girls night instead but I changed plans to spend it with Smoothie on our FINALLY-after-all-this-time first proper date. Now I'm sitting at home with hair and makeup done (but still bathrobe, haven't selected clothes) and just sitting here. : Should I just call him up and say, "Um, yooohooo, your date is down the street waiting.....?"

This reeks of non-effort so far.

[JohnnysGirl]

I called him. He said he was just about to call me. He's on his way to an emergency clinic to have his eye looked at. Sudden infection from all the dust during rennovations today. He'll call me later.
Ugh. Saturday night fiasco. I'll call my girlfriends to see where they are.... maybe I can still join. Damn I'm starving, too, I thought we were going out to dinner and there's nothing here in my kitchen to eat. :

Ok, just wanted to edit to add that I think he's telling the truth and I'm really sorry about his eye and everything but I'm just irritated because I spent 4 hours primping from head to toe and he could have worn goggles while rennovating or noticed the problem and attended it in time to still see me tonight and not ruin our first proper date night. Am I being a total witch? Should I be 100% only sympathetic to him and his poor eye? I'm just gonna go out and join some girlfriends...... if Smoothie calls later I'll meet up with him, and if not, my night wasn't a total wash (hopefully).

[Holland73]

Personally, I would be a bit peeved and a little concerned.

Why didn't he call you earlier in the day (or even yesterday)-- to plan the evening? Why wait until AFTER 9pm?

Now, had he communicated earlier in the day and was late coming to pick you up because he had to run to the emergency clinic for his eye, then I would be very sympathetic and understanding.

I just figure, if it was an important date for him, he would make darn sure to have you "booked" early enough for the night... kwim? He just doesn't seem very respectful of your time and he appears to just plan on you waiting around -- until the last minute -- for him. Gak!

[Seie]

Organicpapayamom: Definately sounds like a pretty akward date I hope he understands the no-go and lets it rest. Dont give up though - keep looking and writing - and if you dont feel that spark in the writing - then maybe save yourself the bother of meeting?

Butterfly: I say ditch Smoothie. Sounds like you kind of like his arrogance? I used to be annoyingly attracted to arrogant, selfsufficient men and it only brought me heartbreak. To be honest he doesnt sound all that considerate of your feelings, or like he respects your time all that much? Ofcourse only you can really tell - just my immediate reaction to his lack of contact on a night when he had actually invited you out. IMO a bad eye doesnt justify not calling you or texting you at all.. And for the relationship talk, it sounds like he told you everything he thought you wanted to hear, but he didnt make any kind of promises or tell you anything that you could pin on him later? Sounds like he really is "smooth"? Just thoughts.
I say go have fun with Mr. Older gentleman - but watch your heart. I get suspicious when rich old guys look for young attractive lady-friends.. Maybe ask a bit about his past girlfriends, how long they were together, their ages etc to see if you can spot a pattern?

Looking forward to your next (up)date.

Here BF is sleeping upstairs. Been doing a lot of family meeting stuff this weekend/easter, and will be meeting up with my parents together with the kids tomorrow. I really hope they like him - I wanna shout from the rooftops how awesome he is - Oh its not the first time they meet him - but first time they see him with the kids.
And ex met him today too.. well ex was dropping off kids and there was a very brief exchange of hellos and nods - no handshaking or anything else. It was pretty akward..


Apart from all that I can hardly keep up - very active thread lately

[ursusarctos]

Hey butterflymom! I was just stalking you to see how your long-awaited date went, and dang! it didn't go at all! So sorry! I have to agree with pps that it's kind of weird that he didn't contact you at all earlier in the day, even if he did have to cancel later because of his eye.
Were you in dtm? That woman sounds ambiguous... Is she hot?
Ok, enough thread crashing, sorry everyone else!

[JohnnysGirl]

Yes, ursusarctos, the woman is hot. Quite much so. She's def. elligible to be my new female FWB. She sent facebook messages today about getting a helmet my size and taking me out on her motorcycle soon. She'll be at my next party, at my place, two weeks from today. You must come too. And your boy. And any friends you wanna bring! My place can fit loads, so just tell everyone you know.

I went out BY MYSELF tonight (I am so brave) and even though I intended to meet up with my cool police officer female friend and her buddies, we never ended up crossing paths. But I found girls I knew, and made friends with new ladies, and got phone numbers and the list of ladies coming to my house party in two weeks keeps lengthening. Surrounding myself with girlfriends is super. (I need to figure out how to get guys to come to my party too so the ladies aren't bored with no men to talk to). As for scoping out men tonight, I didn't see a single guy over 30, tall enough, and cute. : It's ok. The Gentleman sent me a text to let me know that I'm on his mind and Smoothie texted at 11pm to say he *just* returned home with his eyes in bandages, dr.'s orders to go straight to bed and sleep/rest. Geez. Hard to be peeved with him when he's going to sleep wtih his eyes in bandages. But he should have been in contact with me during the day, pre-eye-problems, like he said he would. I am starting to think he really is too smooth and arrogant, Seie! So many mixed signals. Bad sign. .......next!

The Gentleman has answered my questions about his past girlfriends since his divorce ten years ago. He has lived with two long term girlfriends, and had a few shorter relationships.... I didn't feel bold enough to actually ask what their ages were. I'll gauge things with him as I get to know him better, and try to keep my heart in check. But if he makes elaborate plans for our time together on Thursday as hinted he will be, and then actually makes a big effort to impress me I think I will pass out, I'll just be so touched I'll faint. I can't remember the last time a guy went to any trouble/effort to plan anything elaborate and special for me. I'll be toast if he really, actually does that. I already think that last Thursday's fancy lunch was above-and-beyond what he needed to do in terms of a first meeting, and it softened my opinion of him considerably.
Anyway, going to sleep. Seie, have a great time with your parents, kids,a nd your BF. Things are coming along so great with him.

[JohnnysGirl]

Sunday morning update: he texts me and apologizes for changing plans last minute on me, and asks if we can try again tonight. 8:00ish. I said ok. I'm a pushover.