Had my MW appt today... and she couldn't find the heartbeat. I thought he'd felt less active today, but I've been contracting a lot, in pain, exhausted and distracted and it's been hard to tell.
The hospital visit confirmed what I just somehow knew and had dreaded... he was gone. The ironic news was I was 6-7 cm and 85% effaced... those ctx really had done something.
He was born at 10:14 pm on April Fool's Day...some joke... a tiny 5lb 4oz - tiny like his sister was. Tiny and perfect. There was no sign of... anything. No knot in the cord, placenta was normal, he was normal, no infection, no fever, nothing in the bloodwork. No explanation.
At first I couldn't believe the universe would do this. My dad in February... and we named him after both grandpas. We were going to surprise my mom with his name. And now this? Really? Could anything be more cruel?
Two days ago I was talking about how unimaginable this sort of loss must be... and today, I'm experiencing it. I think I'm still in shock.
The birth was thankfully fast - they gave me a tiny bit of pit, but I pushed him out pretty quickly. Although I've never had a more painful birth, in more ways than one. It was like my body didn't want to do it... it was all me. I had to make the conscious choice to birth him, and part of me just wanted to hold on...
The kids were there... not for the birth, we had a friend in the waiting room with them, but after... and we did get to hold him... the staff took pictures, and were very kind. I will post them tomorrow if I can bear to get on the computer again. Things are so different now than back in the days when they whisked the baby away and you never saw them...
The only thing I keep thinking is, "Why?" And there's just no answer and probably never will be.
I thought I would feel awful coming here, but I strangely don't. I still feel thrilled that you're having your babies, and they're healthy and nursing and doing well. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow... but I truly hope for the best for every one of you and yours.
The hospital visit confirmed what I just somehow knew and had dreaded... he was gone. The ironic news was I was 6-7 cm and 85% effaced... those ctx really had done something.
He was born at 10:14 pm on April Fool's Day...some joke... a tiny 5lb 4oz - tiny like his sister was. Tiny and perfect. There was no sign of... anything. No knot in the cord, placenta was normal, he was normal, no infection, no fever, nothing in the bloodwork. No explanation.
At first I couldn't believe the universe would do this. My dad in February... and we named him after both grandpas. We were going to surprise my mom with his name. And now this? Really? Could anything be more cruel?
Two days ago I was talking about how unimaginable this sort of loss must be... and today, I'm experiencing it. I think I'm still in shock.
The birth was thankfully fast - they gave me a tiny bit of pit, but I pushed him out pretty quickly. Although I've never had a more painful birth, in more ways than one. It was like my body didn't want to do it... it was all me. I had to make the conscious choice to birth him, and part of me just wanted to hold on...
The kids were there... not for the birth, we had a friend in the waiting room with them, but after... and we did get to hold him... the staff took pictures, and were very kind. I will post them tomorrow if I can bear to get on the computer again. Things are so different now than back in the days when they whisked the baby away and you never saw them...
The only thing I keep thinking is, "Why?" And there's just no answer and probably never will be.
I thought I would feel awful coming here, but I strangely don't. I still feel thrilled that you're having your babies, and they're healthy and nursing and doing well. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow... but I truly hope for the best for every one of you and yours.
. So sorry mama.
William George 
