Baby Showers

[henriksmom]

I have two really good friends who are pregnant now. Personally I hate baby showers. I think that they are just another way to get others to buy you gifts. If I like someone enough then I will still buy them something even if they do not have a shower.

I feel like I should be participating in organizing their showers. But I do not want to. I do not even feel like attending right now. Even though they are my good friends it is difficult to be happy for them.

My son is almost eight months now so the wounds are still raw. He was born at 29w 6d and spent 58 days in three hospitals. It was the most difficult time in my life. It is hard to celebrate "happy and healthy" pregnancies when I went to the emergency room five times during my last pregnancy. I do not want to even hear anything after they are 30 weeks gestation. I know that I am being bitchy and that it is not their fault that my membranes ruptured a little over 28 weeks gestation.

Secretly I was hoping that they would not get pregnant so soon. I was just starting to heal. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom?

[SaraLe6]

No advice or words of wisdom, but I think I know somwhat how you feel. I was admitted to the hospital at 29.5 due to preterm labor. We learned my DS had an intestinal blockage that was causing massive amounts of amniotic fluid to build in my uterus due to his inability to swallow and digest the fluid as normal fetuses do. At 29 weeks my uterus was at full term size. They were able to "stop" labor (wasn't really stopped, but cervix was no longer dilating) but said I had 2 weeks, max, before my uterus would become so large that they wouldn't be able to stop labor anymore and I would definitely be giving birth early. In the meantime, I had to stay in the hospital. I was there for 2 weeks, 3 days before my precious LO was born at only 32 weeks, 1 day. My uterus was about the size it would have been for a full term twin pregnancy when they were finally unable to stop the progession of labor. He had to have surgery just 12 short hours after his birth to remove the blockage, and spent just shy of a month in the NICU. It is hard for me to see healthy, close to term pregnancies. A friend of mine had a baby shower recently and she was TINY compared to what my awful, swollen abdomen looked like. My precious LO is only 7 weeks, 5 days old, so not even to his due date yet (2 more days!), so yeah the pain is definitely VERY raw for me. But I feel the sharp stab of jealousy when I see parents with brand new babies in the stores. For the first month of my child's life I was rarely ever able to hold him, he was given things I did NOT consent to (a vaccine and sugar water ) and even now that he's home I can't take him out anywhere with me because of his compromised immune system and the fact that it's still RSV season, so he has to stay home with daddy whenever I need to go somewhere for any reason. And yet here are all these mothers with tiny newborn babies in their bucket seats instead of in arms, screaming and crying for a little bit of love that could SO easily be given but is withheld because mommy and daddy are too busy browsing the shelfs for impulse buys. It's so not right.

[liberal_chick]

I know how you feel. I remember feeling that way so acutely. When my ds1 was born @ 30 weeks, I had a cousin that was due 2 weeks after me. So when ds1 came home from the NICU, the first thing I pulled out of my mailbox the next day was an invite to her baby shower. I went and it was so hard. I quit going after that, especially to showers for babies due in the summer (as that is when ds was due and my jealously just couldn't handle it).

It took a good 2 years or so for me to be able to participate in showers w/o feeling jealous (which made me feel guilty).

[sunflowers]

I understand your feelings s

I think if they really are close friends, they'll understand your hurt at the thought of helping plan a shower right now. Hopefully, your feelings will lessen and eventually dissapate over time, but now you are feeling those things and they should be able to respect that.

I hope you may be able to attend the events since they are your close friends and they probably really want to share their joy with you. But when the time comes, if you still can't do it- you can use the "baby is sick" card to get out gracefully . You can still send a gift or bring a gift when you meet those babies.

[waldenmommy]

If I were you, and I'm not, I would grab my closest friend and run to the mall for a girls night out and b!tch fest, complete with the drink (adult or not! :P) of your choice and drooling over cute kids' clothes. Then buy something insanely adorable (or get a card and gift card) and send it with your regrets.

But you know me- always up for an excuse for a latte!

Seriously, Georgie's godmother is hoping to get pg with number three soon and I hop0e she will too, because she is a wonderful mother. Yet she's planning a HB (and I'm planning on taking her kids during said homebirth) and I struggle with that. Alot. I'd love a HB but it is no longer safe for my babies and would not have been safe with Georgie. I remind myself that it isn't about me or my choice- a HB is safe and fine for HER. And that's okay.

I tell myself this ALOT.

[sparklett]

It's totally okay to feel like that. Believe me, in a few years you'll feel lots better- I know I do. But I still get those little pangs of anger/jealousy/sadness/regret/etc. when I hear about how great someone's pregnancy/labor went. Send a nice gift and don't go to the shower.

[henriksmom]

Thanks for the support. Maybe I will be honest with them and let them know that it would be very difficult to plan a shower. If they happen before 30 weeks it may be easier for me too. I am starting to heal but do not want to undo the process by going somewhere that will be very difficult. Waldenmommy, that may be a good idea to spend some time together to show I care but maybe not attend the actual shower. I have to see how I will feel by then. Thanks all!

[sbrinton]

I recently went to two of my best friend's baby showers. Both women had normal, healthy pregnancies and were further along than I was when Zephan was born at their showers. I didn't realize before the showers that it would be hard. But at the showers, I felt numb. I couldn't really talk to anyone. I wanted to be happy for my friends - and in so many ways I am - but it was hard. I think for me, the pain is because I cannot get pregnant again. It's also sad because I had such a miserable pregnancy, I was never able to experience what these women were experiencing.

But it was good to be there. I love both of those women. Both of their babies, who were born last week, are precious (and nearly as big as my 5 month old Zephan!). It was fun to buy them gifts and now to cook them food and do whatever else I can to help. I believe that at the end of the day, it's sometimes important to set our feelings aside and to love our friends. It is hard, but I know both of those women were there for me during my difficult pregnancy. They brought me coffee and chocolate in the hospital. They babysat my kids and sat on my couch with me when I was on bed rest. They listened and prayed and cried. So I want to be there for them. Even if it's hard.