Please help me make a plan

[mamatoady]

I am so overwhelmed and frustrated right now. 6 years ago, dh made $125,000 a year working for a local trucking company and leasing his truck to someone else at night. 3 years ago his truck blew it's engine and we couldn't afford to have it fixed, so he went to work over the road and has been doing it ever since. We knew it would be a huge paycut, but were relatively prepared. We moved, we don't spend as much etc. Every year for the last year he has made less and less money. This last year he made gross $48,000. We rent an inexpensive house and we live very close to everything so we don't have to spend a lot for gas, but his living expenses on the road and his truck payments are killing us. We are behind in rent and every other bill, My son needs dental surgery next month, the midwife payments, my doctor bills--it's all piling up and he's making next to nothing (I've been getting checks from him for around $300/week.)

I tried to apply for aid for food stamps, help with utilities etc., but our gross is still too much and they denied us. A church organization stepped in to prevent our heat and electric from getting shut off.

There is literally NOTHING where I live for work. There are maybe 12-15 jobs listed in the paper and I don't qualify for any of them. The ones I do qualify for pay $8/hr. I have 2 kids I'd have to pay for daycare for plus one on the way.

I don't know what to do! I can't get aid, but I can't afford to work! The best case scenerio I can come up with is to have a daycare in my home that we are renting. It's ok with the landlord, but we are having plumbing issues and I don't think right now the house will pass the safety rules--if/when it does, I have to pay all kinds of fees for start up (i.e. CPR certification, finger printing, buying/installing fire extinguishers/carbon monoxide readers etc.etc.). The licensing people keep telling me that it takes most people at least 3 months to get licensed. For some it takes up to a year.

I don't know how to get things moving in the direction I'd like them to go. I have no one to ask for a start up loan, I'm afraid of losing our rental house because we're behind in rent....I feel lost and angry at myself for not having figured this out a year ago.

Any suggestions? advice?
Sarah

[lolar2]

Brainstorming, so some of these are mutually exclusive: do you have any family you could move in with? Any state assistance with paying for daycare? Can you avoid licensing by taking in just one child to babysit and using that income to get the plumbing fixed, so that you can then get licensed? Is there anything else your DH can do to cut down on his on-the-road living expenses? Can he trade in for a cheaper truck? Can the church organization help you out more? Can you reapply for aid in case they've made some changes?

[mamatoady]

no family we can move in with...we don't qualify for ANY aid and that was determined as of 3 weeks ago, I've been looking for someone to babysit, but it's illegal for me to advertise and I haven't found anyone word of mouth. The plumbing is my landlords responsibility and she's been sitting on it since the fall for whatever reason. Dh won't budge on his living allowance--no trade on the truck--we've been so inconsistent with the payments and it's got issues...I've thought about asking the church for help, but it's not MY church, so I'm a little leary/embarrassed to ask them. If I could just get the house and me licensed, I could advertise right away.

Sarah

[Thystle]

Ok what is dh's living allowance? How much and what all does he use it for?



Is he TRULY aware that he is leaving his pg wife and kids at home with utilities being shut off and in fear of getting evicted?



Is he depressed or just "shutting it all off"?



Honestly it looks like it is in his ballpark to do something different! It sounds like you have done all you can.



If he won't budge/care/help/etc... (not sure if you guys are having issues or not)... you would qualify for all that help if you were single. Just saying.

[Staceyy]

I am also married to a trucker. Go to Google and type in "trucker's forums" or "truck drivers forums". Many have ladies sections. You can ask them for tips on how your husband can lower expenses on the road.

[mamatoady]

dh's living expenses are $250 a week. This includes all his meals, cigarettes (I know...don't go there), meds (which are around $50-$60 month) and tolls/scales/truck washouts. I can't work with him on his allowance--sometimes I do get some of "his money" if we have a really low week and need more for gas or food.

And, yes, he's depressed, but that's a med he takes....He gets very upset if I try to explain our situation and will throw a huge toddler fit about "I'm doing everything I can do!" It's a very stressful situation for everyone.

Maybe there just isn't a good answer. I'm not going to divorce him just because of financial difficulties--not sure why everyone and their brother tries to throw that as an option.

Sarah

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by mamatoady

Maybe there just isn't a good answer. I'm not going to divorce him just because of financial difficulties--not sure why everyone and their brother tries to throw that as an option.

Sarah

I'm not one of the ones who threw it out, but I think everyone is just brainstorming. Plus if it gets to the point where you either (1) divorce, or (2) starve, or (3) become homeless, or (4) get your kids taken away for neglect because you have no utilities-- for many people, divorce would be less horrible than options 2-4.

[KnittingKara]

Originally Posted by mamatoady

I am so overwhelmed and frustrated right now...

I don't know how to get things moving in the direction I'd like them to go. I have no one to ask for a start up loan, I'm afraid of losing our rental house because we're behind in rent....I feel lost and angry at myself for not having figured this out a year ago.

Any suggestions? advice?
Sarah

First of all

Don't beat yourself up over not having figured things out a year ago ... that won't help you now. Let that go, okay? Focus on today and what you DO know and what you CAN figure out. This is a scary time, I'm sure and you don't need to be angry at yourself on top of that, okay? You are a mama and you've got to take care of yourself and your little ones and be in a good mental place - be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up isn't going to change anything now, so no more of that, okay?

I don't know if you ever listen to Dave Ramsey or not, but I listen to his radio show for free on iTunes and he talks about his priorities for when things are desparate:

1. FOOD is first! feed your family - "beans and rice, rice and beans" is what Dave says :
2. lights & water - keep the lights on and the water flowing. Some electric companies offer budget plans. I don't know if this would help you but it might be something you could check into?
3. house - pay your rent (if your rent is too high for what your income is right now, could you look into moving? maybe your landlord has other properties even and might work with you for something cheaper? just a thought)
4. pay your car payment & insurance (I don't know if you have one or not, just going in Dave's order here)
5. clothing - just the basics, as cheaply as you can
6. credit cards and other debts "we'll get to them as fast we can" but right now you are struggling and have to keep your head above the water

Keep in communication w/ your landlord. I'm sure it sucks, but if I were a landlord I'd be a lot more likely to cut some slack if I could to a renter that kept me informed of their situation, even if I didn't like what I was hearing, ywim?

I'm sure you've already been doing this, but are there things you can cut? cable? cell phone? internet?

What about some little changes? (they add up!) I'm not sure what your grocery bill/budget is ... but some ideas, if you aren't already doing this - could you switch to all generics at the grocery store? Dried beans over canned? Frozen fruit & veggies when they go on sale for $1/bag over fresh?

Warmer weather is coming - can you grow some salad greens and easy veggies in a container garden? (or a real garden - but I know that for myself a big garden w/ a new baby and little kiddos isn't an option)

Are you drying your clothes? Can you hang them to dry instead to save electricity? Make your own laundry soap (it is easy, I promise) The old "if it is yellow, let it mellow, if it is brown, flush it down" trick to save money in the bathroom on the water bill? (okay, not an option for everyone LOL) What is your washer cycle on? Is it set on "max fill" - could you lower that and use less water?

Are there things you could sell? Could you get by w/o a car if you have one? Sell it to get a "beater" just to get by for now?

Not as an official business, but could you just take in a few children to watch? What legally makes an official "daycare" ? Could you just take in one or two kids w/o having to be licensed for some extra cash - call it "babysitting" ?

Pet sitting? Dog walking? What about newspaper delivery? I know that is early mornings, but I have a friend who does that to help pay the bills (she isn't pregnant, though so I'm not sure if that is feasable for you right now) It wouldn't be fun, but you could probably do it w/ your kiddos in the car and it could be good family bonding/sing silly songs on the radio time - and adventure!

Have you and your husband each sat down and written out exactly what you spend your money on? He might find a few things he could cut down on or cut back on (I'd suggest smoking, but I'm sure you've had that talk ) It sounds like things are pretty tight, but even if you each just found a few bucks here and there you could save it sounds like every dollar really counts right now. I know when I started keeping track of where every dollar went for us I was surprised by a few things.

It isn't an easy subject to talk about for some people. My husband and I are on the same page now about money, but we used to really have horrible arguements about it ... his parents were horrible w/ money and he NEVER wanted to talk about it which made me feel like the burden (and the blame) was all on me. It took a lot of gentle talks, commitment to hear each other out, and really just me putting the actual numbers of what we spend vs. what we make on paper on day and showing him. Numbers don't lie and they don't take it personal, you know? Love each other, promise not to fight about it (or at least try not to) and commit to working through this together. One day at at time ...

Have you looked into Angel Food Ministries food programs? They are not income dependant (they don't even ask) and we've been doing this for two months now and are pretty pleased with what we're getting in our boxes. It is $30 for the regular box.

Hang in there!

[jjawm]

What about working at a childcare, where you might get free/reduced rate for your kids?

[PaytonPlace]

Since your DH is on the road anyway, can you & the kids relocate to an area that has more/better job opportunities for you & your DH or move to where you have family that you could stay with for awhile??

[dancebaraka]

Would DH consider getting a different job. I don't see the trucking industry doing well for a while... If he is only bringing in around $300 some weeks, maybe something else would be better.

[mamatoady]

we have thought about moving to a different city, actually. We live in an uber touristy town and unless you're a doctor or business professional of sorts, you are out of luck. It's a scary thought to start over in a new town...especially with a baby on the way soon. Dh will be home tomorrow so we'll have to have this talk.

dh really can't get another job--truck driving is literally the only thing he knows how to do. He's been doing it for 14 years.

I tried to find a job at a childcare setting last fall, got one interview out of 4 applications I put out and they didn't hire me. My guess is that my schedule didn't mesh with theirs because that was all they seemed to care about in the interview...it was a waste of time.

I wonder how secretively I can get word out to people I don't know that I can take in 1-2 daycare kids. The problem is that in Michigan if you "babysit" with any regularity, unless it's family, it's illegal unless you are licensed.

That's really the best option here. I did it for a friend for 3 months last summer and it worked out well....

thanks for the thoughts, ladies, keep them coming!
ps--we have cut everything down. I use the neighbors internet feed, we have no phones, no cable tv.

agh.
Sarah

[pollyanna]

How about instead of doing a regular babysitting job advertise as an occastional sitter. something like "watching your children when you have a girls night out" or "a babysitter when you and your husband want a date night"
sometimes you can make more per hr when it is an occational night than when it is everyday.

Pollyanna

[1growingsprout]

I have family in the UP of MI. Lots of things are done 'under the table'. Babysitting is one of them. Cash, no contract, off the books. As long as both parties are in agreement, there is no problem. The parents understand they are using an unlicensed childcare and are not able to take the tax deduction. You are getting paid in cash, untaxable funds.

As for your landlord not fixing the plumbing, I would be on the phone(or my neighbors phone) so fast to the landlord, the housing dept and every other agency that LL wouldnt know what hit her.

CPR certification can be done for free at most hospitals. Fingerprint clearance cards are about $50. Sometimes you can get donated fire extinguishers etc from the fire dept. Also google, daycare grants etc, there is $$ out there, you just gotta go get it!!

Also if you live in a touristy town how about offering 'babysitting' while you are a tourist type thing.

Check craigslist for jobs. Check the WAHM forums... you need to find more income....

I dont know much about long haul but possibly can DH pack a couple days food when he leaves to cut down on food expenses?

[StormySar]

If your DH's allowence is $250 a week, does that include eating out/fast food?

My husband used to drive over the road. His allowence each week, including cigarettes and pop, was $50/week. He's take out more if he knew he had to drive tolls, and his company reimbursed him for truck washes, tolls, and other related expenses.

I makde him meals from scratch that held in the fridge well, or he'd stop at a truck stop and microwave them. he had a cooler on the truck and a heating bag that heated up canned goods. He'd stop once a week or so to buy canned convienence food from Sav A Lot and his lunches were always sandwiches.

Expenses were minimal on both our ends, because every penny he made had to go towards our bills and whatnot.

My husband also makes his own cigarettes. I dont knwo if that's an option for you, but some cigarette tube thingies, tobacco and some sort of a machine to make them will cut costs drastically. You can get all of that in a smoke shop. He had to start doing this when we coudl no longer afford packs or cartons of cigs... i'd rather he quit all together, but this way I cant complain too much about how much he's spending.

[shakashoe]

Does your dh still have the truck that needed a new engine? If he made $125,000 and now makes $48,000 wouldn't it be more cost effective to have the engine work done? Maybe you could take out a loan for the repair? I hope things go better for you.

[Selesai]

Originally Posted by mamatoady

dh really can't get another job--truck driving is literally the only thing he knows how to do. He's been doing it for 14 years.

I understand this, as this was my DH's situation before marriage.
Has he thought about selling the truck and going to work for UPS, FedEx, or the Postal Service? My DH worked for UPS for 13 years. Great great benefits, and average salary nowadays is at least $70k. They also have feeders which I think would be the big trucks that your DH drives. I would really look into it.

[chinaKat]

One expense you might be able to cut out, if you have decent health insurance, is to forgo the midwife and have your baby in the hospital. I didn't pay a dime out of pocket to have either of my kids.

[mamatoady]

thanks everyone. Dh is gone 2 months at a time, so packing for him is not an option--he keeps a little food, like bread and penut butter in the truck, but other than that he has to pay for fast food/restaurant/truck stop food.

Either way, with hospital birth or homebirth, my payment would be about the same--it cost more in the hospital, but our copayment would still be about $2500, which is what the midwife did. Honestly, I think I'd go UC before I did hospital again. Dd was in the hospital and it was aweful.

Dh is home today, so hopefully after the kids go to bed we can sit and pound out some real plans and search the bigger cities for jobs--My parents live near bigger towns with more job opps, so if we had to move to one of them, it wouldn't be the end of the world and we'd probably have a little help with the move.

I'd take an under the table day care kid in a heartbeat--I just can't find one!

Sarah

ps--we don't have that truck--it died when we had no money to repair it and that was 3 years ago--the people we leased it from took it back and he's been a company driver ever since.

[kalisis]

Can he do any kind of work in the oilfield? My parents hire many drivers from out of state and that is one place the economy isn't so horrid - hemight consider a move to UT, CO or WY to work in the oilfield? Even slick truck drivers make a pretty decent living.