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Am I an old fuddy-duddy?

post #1 of 70
Thread Starter 
I need some perspective from those with kids in the jr high age bracket. I've posted before about my stepdaughter's 12 yo sister, who spends a fair amount of time with us. She has a 14 yo boyfriend that has been causing a bit of concern.

She is one of my friends on facebook, and this weekend her profile picture was of her and the boyfriend making out. : At 12, I was definitely not making out with boys, but maybe I was not the norm? Or maybe times have changed? twelve just seems so young, and making out seems so close to actually DTD.

I have no idea if her mom has talked to her about sex and birth control yet. She waited a little too long with the oldest girl in the family (two pregnancies before the age of 18).

DH is going to mention the picture to her mom. She is such an intelligent and mature girl in so many ways that it is hard to remember that she is only 12. But bottom line is that she is only 12! Is this normal 12 yo behavior these days and I am just getting old and crotchety? Or is this girl getting in over her head?
post #2 of 70
It's unfortunately more common than it should be. I don't have a preteen myself, but I'm a former 8th grade teacher and have seen/heard it all. I don't think you're crotchety, I just think today's teenagers are moving way to fast sexually based on what is going on around them (older siblings, media, etc.).
post #3 of 70
I think making out is somewhat normal for some 12 yo, but I'd be concerned about other sexual activity that may be going on.

The big concern for me would be the idea she has that kissing/sexual contact is for all to see. Any picture that is posted online is there forever, even if removed from facebook (or wherever it's posted). I teach internet safety to 4th & 5th graders & they seem shocked that the internet is forever.
post #4 of 70
I was definitely "making out" with boys at that age. (And remained a virgin until after I was out of high school). But is seems a lot more innocent than what I think they are doing now. My 15 year old and his friends are getting cell phone pics from girls at school in just bra and panties. It also disturbs me that oral sex seems to have fallen under the heading of "making out" for a lot teens these days.
post #5 of 70
I would definately have your dh talk to her about birth control and sex! Even if her mom has had the talk, a second one wouldn't hurt.
post #6 of 70
I have to disagree about having your DH talk to you niece. If my brother, or my brother-in-law spoke to my teen about sex/birth control, I would think that was HUGE overstep of his boundaries.
post #7 of 70
Making out a 12 isn't, from my experience, all that odd. Nor does it mean she will be/is having sex.

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable discussing sex with another persons child, even if that child is my niece because so many parents have a clear idea about what they want/don't want to be discussed with their child and it would be very disrespectful and over stepping the boundaries to go out and "take over" just because you don't agree. If said niece comes to you to talk, or to your Dh to talk, then talk. But initiating the conversation is going over her parents heads on the matter.
post #8 of 70
Oh well, I just reread it. I'm confused now, too. Is your DH the parent of this child? Either way, I think it's appropriate to have DH talk to the child's mom. But if DH isn't the parent, I don't think he should be talking to the kid, unless they have a very close relationship.
post #9 of 70
Okay, wait....I think I mis-read it as being your step-sister's daughter. But now I'm seeing that it's your step-daughter's sister...I'm so confused! And, I think someone else just posted about their 12yo neice being on facebook. Sorry...I think I really mixed things up here!

Either way though...If your DH is not this child's father...he has no business talking to her directly. Clearly though, if he is the father, he can say whatever he feels is appropriate!

Sorry for the mix up!
post #10 of 70
FWIW, I'm 32, and when I was 12 it seemed that making out with boys was the norm. At least that's what most of my friends claimed-- I don't have proof or anything.
post #11 of 70
I sure hope this isn't the norm and if it is I would suggest that they aren't making out with the 12 yo boys I know.

I see that you said 14 yo boy and quite frankly I find the age difference to be a problem. Two years won't be a big gap later but right now I think it is. (Just my very humble opinion)
post #12 of 70
Thread Starter 
The relationship is confusing. She is my stepdaughter's sister. DH isn't her father, but her father was absent most of her life and then passed away a few years ago. So DH is a father-figure to her, if that makes sense. She spends about 1 weekend/month with us. She celebrates father's day with us, as well as some other holidays and vacations.

I don't think that DH would feel comfortable talking with her about sex. Her mom did ask us (especially me) to talk with her about the boyfriend and try to steer her in the keep-it-casual-puppy-love direction. But I think that a sex talk would overstep things.

I am particularly concerned because I know that her mom is going out of town for over a week, leaving her in the care of her 21 yo sister, who doesn't have the best track record in the responsibility department. I'm not even sure how much the 21 yo will be home.

Luckily, DSD's sister is scheduled to spend the first weekend that her mom is gone with us, so maybe I can feel her out as to what she has planned for the week.

I think that I am going to try to convince DH that we should have this young man over for dinner. I've thought that we should for a while, but we were waiting to see if things fizzled out. Obviously they haven't, so it is probably a good idea to get to know the boy.
post #13 of 70
I don't know what I'd think about the making out (esp. as "making out" is such a vague term, and means different things to different people). It's a really bad idea to have those pics on the internet, though. (Okay - will admit I wonder sometimes if it's as bad as we - older people - think. Times will change, and maybe 15-20 years from now, when there are more adolescent mistakes available online than not, it won't be a big deal?)

As for whether it was going on when I was a kid...I'm 40. There were definitely kids in my 7th grade class who were making out, and a couple in 6th grade. I wasn't...but not because I didn't want to. I just never figured out how to get a boy's attention.
post #14 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
...Okay - will admit I wonder sometimes if it's as bad as we - older people - think. Times will change, and maybe 15-20 years from now, when there are more adolescent mistakes available online than not, it won't be a big deal?....
I have to go with it's a really bad idea. I'm in education & teachers have lost their jobs because of what is on their facebook, myspace, etc. page (including sexually explicit, drinking & drug use statements & photos). Also it's not only what's on your own page, but what others post about you. Employers are googling to see what pops up on a potential employees name & if denying employment. I've heard that even some colleges are looking at whats on the internet before extending acceptance.

Teenage judgment in general isn't great - say a girl flashes a boy, it's funny, it's done, but now he shoots a photo of this & can send it out to everyone else's phones, post it on the internet, whatever he wants. Even look at Michael Phelps using a bong - definitely wasn't something he wanted plastered all over the tabloids, but there it was.
post #15 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by bu's mama View Post
I have to go with it's a really bad idea. I'm in education & teachers have lost their jobs because of what is on their facebook, myspace, etc. page (including sexually explicit, drinking & drug use statements & photos). Also it's not only what's on your own page, but what others post about you. Employers are googling to see what pops up on a potential employees name & if denying employment. I've heard that even some colleges are looking at whats on the internet before extending acceptance.

Teenage judgment in general isn't great - say a girl flashes a boy, it's funny, it's done, but now he shoots a photo of this & can send it out to everyone else's phones, post it on the internet, whatever he wants. Even look at Michael Phelps using a bong - definitely wasn't something he wanted plastered all over the tabloids, but there it was.
I know all that, and I'd be careful, myself, and advise my kids to be careful. My point is, though - we don't know what the future will be like. Society has changed a lot, because of the net, but the changes are still in their infancy. It's entirely possible that when the current crop of teens are adults, the contents of their adolescent facebook pages, even though they're still accessible, won't be held against them the way things are now.

There was a time when a teacher could lose their job for things that nobody would bat an eyelash at now. There was a time when any divorcee was assumed to be a wild nymphomaniac. Cultural mores change, and the ones around the net change faster than anything I've ever seen. I'm not saying I think it's a great idea to let this stuff get out on the net (I've actually posted stuff - years ago - that I hope never resurfaces, but it's not this kind of thing). I'm just saying that we really don't know what the ultimate impact will actually be.
post #16 of 70
i think its the Norm i was making out with boys around that age but didnt end up having sex till well into my senior year of highschool with a long term boyfriend, i also have a younger brother who is 15 and the stuff i hear and see from him an kids younger then him is appalling it seems like someone needs to have a sex talk with her at least
post #17 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
She is one of my friends on facebook, and this weekend her profile picture was of her and the boyfriend making out. : At 12, I was definitely not making out with boys, but maybe I was not the norm? Or maybe times have changed? twelve just seems so young, and making out seems so close to actually DTD.

But bottom line is that she is only 12! Is this normal 12 yo behavior these days and I am just getting old and crotchety? Or is this girl getting in over her head?
12 years old is 7th grade. Yes, 7th graders make out. We did then and they still do now. Times have changed, but even if they hadn't - junior high kids kissing is not scandalous IMO. And it is NOWHERE near DTD; I don't understand that at all.

There is no way to know if she is in over her head without meeting the boy and getting more information from observing them together and talking to her in a casual way. So I like your idea of having him over for dinner.
post #18 of 70
My 9yo has a boyfriend she kisses, so I would certainly find a 12yo doing the same to be very normal. I would also find the age difference to be fairly normal, as girls generally mature faster than boys. I agree with 'making out' being an extremely vague term. I've heard it used to mean anything from kissing to oral sex. Assuming the 'making out' is just kissing and maybe necking, I would doubt that the girl is in over her head, and I also doubt that pictures of kissing posted online are going to be a problem. If I had a facebook page, I'd probably post some pictures of myself kissing my partners, lol. I can't believe anyone would consider that to be scandalous.

But someone should definitely talk to this girl about sex! The amount of misconceptions about sex in that age group are truly mind-boggling. You definitely don't want her learning about it from her misinformed peers!
post #19 of 70
as long as thats it, i dont see a huge problem..posting it could be an issue, especially if there are other adults who can see that think thats a neglect issue.

i did a lot of kissing of a bf i was with at 12/13. didnt do anything more with him, but a LOT of kissing
post #20 of 70
Yikes. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say this is not normal.

Wow. My son is 15. My dd is 13 and my youngest son will be 12 in July.

This isn't normal. I have lunch with a group of close friends every week and none of their kids are acting out like this.

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.
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