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Am I an old fuddy-duddy? - Page 2

post #21 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwinsTwicePlusTwo View Post
My 9yo has a boyfriend she kisses, so I would certainly find a 12yo doing the same to be very normal. I would also find the age difference to be fairly normal, as girls generally mature faster than boys. I agree with 'making out' being an extremely vague term. I've heard it used to mean anything from kissing to oral sex. Assuming the 'making out' is just kissing and maybe necking, I would doubt that the girl is in over her head, and I also doubt that pictures of kissing posted online are going to be a problem. If I had a facebook page, I'd probably post some pictures of myself kissing my partners, lol. I can't believe anyone would consider that to be scandalous.

But someone should definitely talk to this girl about sex! The amount of misconceptions about sex in that age group are truly mind-boggling. You definitely don't want her learning about it from her misinformed peers!
as i was going to ask when you say your 9 year old kisses her boyfriend is it a peck on the cheek or the lips or what? i found myself interrupting my own question with wait what a NINE year old with a boyfriend? come again?

no offense to you at all, mama, i'm just astonished at kids right now. i was a kid once too and not even that long ago but my goodness things have changed. so much. i think we're doing our children a huge disservice by allowing boyfriends and girlfriends at such tender ages. my ds is stilla baby, yes, and i have no experience with these situations yet and i honestly do not know how i will handle the first girlfriend. but i do know he will not have one until he is at least a teen, and hopefully a mid-teen, like 15 or 16 hopefully.

sheesh. back to the op. no you are not a fuddy duddy. that picture would blow my mind and i would have to hold back saying something to her about it. you should by all means make sure something is said by someone asap because even if you take the making out picture out of the situation, she's still posting her pictures online and thats a huge nono. it's dangerous and will only lead to other things she could do online and trouble she could get herself into and wrong people she could attract.
post #22 of 70
When I was 12, the only girls in my class who were regularly making out were girls who hardly had any supervision (it was a SMALL class, so we knew everyone's business). I don't know if a 12 year old has the logic or skills to know where to draw the line. What IS different now is that, as somone else has said, oral sex seems to be part of making out, and it's only a one way street, if you know what I mean. And posting the pictures really gives me the creeps.

I don't know that there's anything you could do about it, but if I found pictures of my twelve year old "making out" with her boyfriend, she would not be getting alone time with her boyfriend anymore.
post #23 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by lab View Post
Yikes. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say this is not normal.

Wow. My son is 15. My dd is 13 and my youngest son will be 12 in July.

This isn't normal. I have lunch with a group of close friends every week and none of their kids are acting out like this.

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.
Yep.
post #24 of 70
I have to tell you that making out at 12 tells me one thing . . . the kid isn't being well supervised. Please, do this mother a favor and let her know what is going on with her daughter. It takes a villiage, right? Since we can't all be there all the time, we have to watch out for eachother's kiddos.

And I would for sure offer to take dsd's sister while mom went out of town so that she isn't left at home with her 21 yo sister. What a terrible idea!
post #25 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by montlake View Post
I was definitely "making out" with boys at that age. (And remained a virgin until after I was out of high school). But is seems a lot more innocent than what I think they are doing now.
I agree. When I was 12 just finding a place to meet up in the hallway at school and exchange a kiss was a big deal for me. I didn't even think about sex or letting a boy touch me until I was 15. So old. lol. Ofcourse though, I did know of people (or heard through others at the time) that they were doing more touching and heavy kissing when I was in middle school. I just chose not to do that type of thing. So I'm sure a lot of it depends on the child too.
post #26 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by alllyssa View Post
I have to tell you that making out at 12 tells me one thing . . . the kid isn't being well supervised. Please, do this mother a favor and let her know what is going on with her daughter. It takes a villiage, right? Since we can't all be there all the time, we have to watch out for eachother's kiddos.
I agree. My child hangs out with a preacher's child that I know of and they are opposite sex (ages 12 and 14) and they tend to hang out in the other child's bedroom a lot when we go to the church for activities (it's next door to their home). I trusted the kids up until I read this thread. My child is homeschooled and I wouldn't think they'd do anything wrong but you just never know do you.
post #27 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by alllyssa View Post
I have to tell you that making out at 12 tells me one thing . . . the kid isn't being well supervised.
Kids used to make out at recess when I was in 7th grade. In order to prevent making out through supervision, kids would have to be fully supervised literally 24/7, which is almost impossible for that age group, ime. At a few years older (15), I'd go out with my sister and friend, split from them, meet the guy I was seeing, spend some time with him, then hook back up with my sister and friend, find out what they'd been doing during our bus ride home, and pretend I'd been with them all along. That was easy, even then - would be a piece of cake with cellphones and such.
post #28 of 70
To the OP, I would let your dsd know that this is a bad idea, and I wouldn't bother to say 'in my opinion'. Just gently tell her that posting pictures of her making out with her boyfriend on the net is a bad idea.

Depending on her personality, she may or may not blow you off and think that you are an old fuddy duddy. She may, however, appreciate that you care enough to object, that you're more interested in her safety, and that you don't care whether she thinks you are a stick in the mud. IMO she can have both feelings about you at the same time.

I know my 14 y.o. certainly thinks the same thing of me. She thinks I'm old fashioned and don't know what's up anymore, but she knows I also care very much for her and her integrity.

I love the idea of inviting the boy over. I would have the dsd over as much as you can, as well. Leaving her for a week with a 21 y.o. who doesn't have a great reputation for responsibility sounds like a lousy idea.
post #29 of 70
I think it is more common for 12 year old girls than 12 year old boys. I also think that is why your neice is dating at 14 year old. He might be older but they are on the same maturity level.

I think you should say something to her about the photoes, because they are permant. Maybe some links to people that have been burnt by internet and cell phone photoes.

She might appriciate it more later.
post #30 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by lab View Post
Yikes. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say this is not normal.

Wow. My son is 15. My dd is 13 and my youngest son will be 12 in July.

This isn't normal. I have lunch with a group of close friends every week and none of their kids are acting out like this.

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.
:

You're no fuddy-duddy. I have a 17yo, 13yo, 9yo and 5yo. I'm around a lot of teens and preteens and have never seen what you're describing. Maybe it's 'cause we homeschool, I dunno, but most 12yo's I know are still acting like kids.
post #31 of 70
I'm going to thread crash for a second, sorry!

I just wanted to say that I was definitely making out with boys at 12. Actually, my first kiss was at 12.

We didn't have internet, but even if we had I wouldn't have posted it online. I was too scared of my parents finding out! I do know some younger kids on myspace and facebook, though, and at least for them it does seem to be the norm.

And in my case I don't think it was really lack of supervision. My making out at 12 was done at the local skating rink, we just kinda snuck behind a pole and made out. But the skating rink was certainly not "unsupervised." I wasn't even allowed to stay the whole time, I seem to recall my grandpa picking me up at 9 pm. And the owners knew my parents.

What I'm saying is that although supervision certainly plays a part in some situations, I don't think that you can automatically say that the kids aren't being supervised enough just because they find time to make out.

And for the record, I was in college when I lost my virginity
post #32 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by lab View Post

You know - kids at 12 still need to be supervised. Why is this girl unsupervised to the point where a boyfriend can hang out, make out and then take pictures.

Yikes.
I agree with you and yet I think most parents don't. My DH works with middle school and high school teens. Sex is on their minds, and though kissing may seem harmless it just leads to more and more...and because of what kid's are taught about sex through the media they don't see anything wrong with what they are doing. kids are also really naive about the internet - today they are posting photos of them kissing their boyfriend, tomorrow naked pictures of themselves. I think multiple discussions about appropriate physical intimacy and internet use are definitely needed - for this girl and ALL pre-teens.
post #33 of 70
Thread Starter 
Does she need to be supervised more? I would say yes. Is her mom willing to do it? Nope.

On the weeks that my DSD is with us, her mom spends a lot of time on her social life, so she is hardly around. Even on the weeks that she has my (6 yo) DSD, she isn't around all that much. It has been an issue of contention between DSD's mom and DH.

DSD's sister spent the weekend with us, and I dropped her off on Sunday evening to an empty house. Her mom is on vacation for a week and in another state. DH feels that he did his part by asking (casually) what DSD's mom planned to do about the supervision of DSD's sister. She knows about the boyfriend and about the Facebook pics. DSD's mom has this theory that once kids reach a certain age, there is really nothing that you can do to parent them. Which probably contributed to the oldest one dropping out of school, running away several times, and getting pregnant twice. DH said that once the oldest hit 12 or 13, DSD's mom threw up her hands and said, "What can I do? Nothing."

We asked DSD's sister what her plans were for the week, and luckily she has dress rehearsals for her skating performance several times this week, so hopefully that will eat up most of her time. The fact that she has several activities (skating, orchestra, running club) is good - a least a good portion of her free time is scheduled and supervised by someone.
post #34 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigeresse View Post
:

You're no fuddy-duddy. I have a 17yo, 13yo, 9yo and 5yo. I'm around a lot of teens and preteens and have never seen what you're describing. Maybe it's 'cause we homeschool, I dunno, but most 12yo's I know are still acting like kids.
My mom saw a bit of kissing and snuggling when we were teens, and I'm sure she guessed that it went at least a little farther than that for some. OTOH, I had a very good friend whose mother never saw anything. We all knew she was very rigid about that stuff, so we were all on good behaviour around her. She was convinced that her dd was pure little angel...and completely unaware that her dd was spending her lunch hours, and occasionally spares and even class time, getting it on with her bf. We're still friends, and she's a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac.

What parents see and what is actually happening can be quite congruent...or light years apart.
post #35 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhiyaya View Post
I'm going to thread crash for a second, sorry!

I just wanted to say that I was definitely making out with boys at 12. Actually, my first kiss was at 12.

We didn't have internet, but even if we had I wouldn't have posted it online. I was too scared of my parents finding out! I do know some younger kids on myspace and facebook, though, and at least for them it does seem to be the norm.

And in my case I don't think it was really lack of supervision. My making out at 12 was done at the local skating rink, we just kinda snuck behind a pole and made out. But the skating rink was certainly not "unsupervised." I wasn't even allowed to stay the whole time, I seem to recall my grandpa picking me up at 9 pm. And the owners knew my parents.

What I'm saying is that although supervision certainly plays a part in some situations, I don't think that you can automatically say that the kids aren't being supervised enough just because they find time to make out.

And for the record, I was in college when I lost my virginity
I had a 12 year old girl friend once. Her parents were very big on supervision. I promise you that did not stop us from finding a way to make out or do other things.
post #36 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
What parents see and what is actually happening can be quite congruent...or light years apart.
so true. that's what scares me most about having children myself. I remember what "I" did beginning at a young age and my parents had no earthly idea it was going on.
post #37 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
so true. that's what scares me most about having children myself. I remember what "I" did beginning at a young age and my parents had no earthly idea it was going on.
For a variety of reasons, I suspect I'm at least within one "base" of being correct about how far ds1 has gone. But, I'm not putting money on it. I do know he hasn't been up an eighth of what I had been at his age...but I was a juvenile delinquent, and he's just a really great kid with occasional adolescent lapses in judgment. For example, I won't swear that he's never smoked a joint or had a drink...but he's not doing it all the time, like I was at his age.
post #38 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
12 years old is 7th grade. Yes, 7th graders make out. We did then and they still do now. Times have changed, but even if they hadn't - junior high kids kissing is not scandalous IMO. And it is NOWHERE near DTD; I don't understand that at all.

There is no way to know if she is in over her head without meeting the boy and getting more information from observing them together and talking to her in a casual way. So I like your idea of having him over for dinner.
I had overalls and braids and skipped rope in seventh grade (I'm 28 now FWIW) and while there may have been a couple of girls who were kissing, the biggest thrill for us was holding hands.

ETA - I do not live in an Amish community either!
post #39 of 70
Children are sexual beings and it's perfectly normal for them to have those urges.

Whether it's a good idea to engage in make-out sessions at age 12 is something altogether different.

Normal and sensible are not the same things.

That being said, I was definitely kissing and necking with boys when I was 12-13, and I'm 38.

As for the teens who are receiving pics of scantily clad girls they know, be aware that teens have been prosecuted for child pornography because of this. They're calling it "sexting." I just did a report on it for a class of mine. There have been 17yo boys who are now listed as sex offenders because they have pictures of their 16yo girlfriend's naked boobs on their phones.
post #40 of 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
For a variety of reasons, I suspect I'm at least within one "base" of being correct about how far ds1 has gone. But, I'm not putting money on it. I do know he hasn't been up an eighth of what I had been at his age...but I was a juvenile delinquent, and he's just a really great kid with occasional adolescent lapses in judgment. For example, I won't swear that he's never smoked a joint or had a drink...but he's not doing it all the time, like I was at his age.
that's the kind of stuff I think about too. I was much wilder than my now 14 yr old son by his age. I was skipping school by the age of 12 and that was ongoing up until I finally quit school in high school. I also tried drugs, snuck out of the house at night and stayed gone all night long roaming the streets, hitch-hiked from the mall after my mom dropped me off and thought I was perfectly safe there, etc. My son never spends a night away from home except for when he spends the night with grandparents at this point and he's homeschooled. He really has no chance to do anything like I used to do but it still doesn't mean he wouldn't try it or hasn't done something already by this point when I wasn't around.
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