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Need help telling my prego with complications friend

post #1 of 18
4/6/09 at 1:15pm
Thread Starter 
Ladies I need your help. I am due in November and have not told anyone but DH, mom, and sis. Well in the next couple of weeks I am hoping to tell a few close friends. I have a big dilema though. My BF is pregnant due in June with her first. At her 20 week ultrsound she found out that her son has major complications and may not make it after birth and if he does he will be very disabled and need several surgeries. I have been her rock and talk about every day. It has been really hard not to tell but I have no idea whn to . She lives about 4 hours a way so I know I could "get away with it". Until she sees me next but I will probably see her in late May before the birth and will be showing since this is my 3rd. I just have no idea how to deal with this with her. I know that it was hard for my to hear the news from friends after my M/C so I can only imagine what this will feel like to her, but I feel like she would be upset since we talk about everything and she told me like the dayit happened. Any advice would be great. Thanks Ladies
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post #2 of 18
4/6/09 at 1:24pm
oh...I understand honey. I found out I was prego with this little one the SAME DAY my very best friend had a d&c following a miscarriage. It sucked. Her first pregnancy was difficult, but resulted in a healthy little boy...and I wanted so much for her to have a stress-free pregnancy and then at 8 weeks she went in for some bleeding and there was no heartbeat (after seeing the heartbeat the week before
I waited about two weeks and then gently broke our "news" to her. She was SO gracious and sweet the day I told her. Then, the next day she called me back all giddy & excited, yelling "you're pregnant!". She said she wanted to "give me her best" and hadn't been able to at first (even though I thought she handled it wonderfully). I think your friend will surprise you. And if it was me, I'd be more hurt if such a close friend kept happy news from me because they didn't know if I would be able to handle it.
I'm sure you'll find a sensitive way to tell her, but I would do it sooner rather than later.
post #3 of 18
4/6/09 at 1:59pm
I think it's best to tell her right away...if you drag it out it will only seem as though you were avoiding telling her. I'm so sad that she has to go through that...

I'm sure she will be happy for you no matter what.
post #4 of 18
4/6/09 at 3:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
I think it's best to tell her right away...if you drag it out it will only seem as though you were avoiding telling her. I'm so sad that she has to go through that...

I'm sure she will be happy for you no matter what.
Ditto.
post #5 of 18
4/6/09 at 3:20pm
I am in a close situation. We are just now telling the world about expecting our babe and I have to tell a friend of mine (not a BEST friend, but definately a GOOD friend). She lost her little girl to major congenital defects in November. I am going to email her (as we rarely talk on the phone anyway so its not unusual) and just tell her the truth. I'm also going to let HER best friend know (who is also a good mutual friend) so that she can be there for her.

post #6 of 18
4/6/09 at 9:22pm
Just curious, what kinds of complications does he have?
post #7 of 18
4/6/09 at 10:57pm
Thread Starter 
I cannot remember the medical name but he has no diaphram and his intestines are in where his left side of his lungs should be. also he has one small disfigured arm.
I think I am going to tell her this week, and I know she will be very "good" about it but, I am still worried.
post #8 of 18
4/6/09 at 11:57pm
Not the same but I found out I was pregnant at my sisters house, 3 days after she m/ced. And I cried because I was not happy about being pg at first (not planned, bad timing, very high maintenance 22 mo). I apologize profusely to her (for crying) and let her know I was still there for her and she could talk to me as much or as little as she felt okay with.
In your situation, I would just tell her ASAP...you don't want her to be hurt that you withheld it. Just be honest with her and let her know you are still there for her to talk to. GL. Hope her son is ok.
post #9 of 18
4/7/09 at 5:07am
If you are at concerend about her reaction, email her. Tell her you are very concerned about her feelings and wanted to give her some time "alone" with it but by all means, call you as soon as she wants to talk.
post #10 of 18
4/7/09 at 10:57am
If she is your bf, I think she would be very hurt if you didn't tell her, in your usual way of conversing over the phone. I had a similar, well kind of similar situation with this pregnancy. My bf's son passed away from cancer last Sept. She was still the first person I told about this pregnancy. I know she is happy for me, but I also know it hurts her, as she has no other children and will have to go in for fertility treatment to conceive another child. But I know she would have been even more hurt if I would have kept it from her. And I could have kept it from her for a long time as we live 8 hrs away now.
Be honest, about everything. How you are concerned about her feelings, ect ect.
It is hard.
post #11 of 18
4/7/09 at 11:51am
Thread Starter 

She lost the baby

My friend just called and the baby died. She went in for a normal appoinment and no heartbeat. Was only able to talk for a minute. Not sure what they will have to do now as she was due june 1. Now I am just worried about her and so sad for her and her DH.
post #12 of 18
4/7/09 at 12:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruemomma View Post
My friend just called and the baby died. She went in for a normal appoinment and no heartbeat. Was only able to talk for a minute. Not sure what they will have to do now as she was due june 1. Now I am just worried about her and so sad for her and her DH.
OMG that's heartbreaking. I cannot even imagine the amount of grief she must feel. That is horrible.
post #13 of 18
4/7/09 at 1:05pm
Oh I'm sorry, thats so awful for her. Just be there for her as much as you can and on the same note, try not to let it freak you out. I had a friend who scheduled an early c-section (originally planning a birthing center birth) because her good friend had a stillbirth with the cord around the neck. My friend had a healthy baby girl but she was a nervous wreck after her friends stillbirth. I hope that makes sense.
post #14 of 18
4/7/09 at 2:14pm
I just saw this thread this morning...
I've lost several babies via late-term miscarriage )12-14wk range) and I've talked with moms who have lost babies at all stages. Our feeling is generally the same...
1--don't wait until we can see the obvious, or until we hear about your pregnancy via the grapevine. Do tell us, and tell us early.
2--yes, it's awkward. Honestly the best thing to do is probably to literally say "I don't know how to say this, but I wanted you to hear it from me..." and then just tell.
And then move on to other topics--unless SHE brings it back to your pregnancy. She deserves to know the facts, but she also deserves to put her focus elsewhere as much or for as long as she needs to.
it's an awkward thing no matter how it happens, but as one who's been hurt (unintentionally of course) by more than a few friends, I've discovered that I'd rather know sooner rather than later, even if it is practically on top of my own grief (which one time it was).
It's possible that she may find some comfort in focusing on your pregnancy/baby to distract her from her own grief...and maybe she'll need to avoid you/your baby for a while as she works through things. Either way, I am sure she'd rather hear the truth, from you, sooner rather than later. Let her get through this delivery (this late they'll probably have to induce her and she'll have to labor and deliver a dead baby ) but within a week or two definitely tell her.
post #15 of 18
4/7/09 at 6:39pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruemomma View Post
My friend just called and the baby died. She went in for a normal appoinment and no heartbeat. Was only able to talk for a minute. Not sure what they will have to do now as she was due june 1. Now I am just worried about her and so sad for her and her DH.
How awful. Continue your duties as friend and, in a few weeks, give her the news. Let her grieve for her son for sometime but def. tell her yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by brightonwoman View Post
I just saw this thread this morning...
I've lost several babies via late-term miscarriage )12-14wk range) and I've talked with moms who have lost babies at all stages. Our feeling is generally the same...
1--don't wait until we can see the obvious, or until we hear about your pregnancy via the grapevine. Do tell us, and tell us early.
2--yes, it's awkward. Honestly the best thing to do is probably to literally say "I don't know how to say this, but I wanted you to hear it from me..." and then just tell.
And then move on to other topics--unless SHE brings it back to your pregnancy. She deserves to know the facts, but she also deserves to put her focus elsewhere as much or for as long as she needs to.
it's an awkward thing no matter how it happens, but as one who's been hurt (unintentionally of course) by more than a few friends, I've discovered that I'd rather know sooner rather than later, even if it is practically on top of my own grief (which one time it was).
It's possible that she may find some comfort in focusing on your pregnancy/baby to distract her from her own grief...and maybe she'll need to avoid you/your baby for a while as she works through things. Either way, I am sure she'd rather hear the truth, from you, sooner rather than later. Let her get through this delivery (this late they'll probably have to induce her and she'll have to labor and deliver a dead baby ) but within a week or two definitely tell her.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have a friend that has been experiencing infertility and she's the only one of our group of friends that doesn't have a child yet. I just found out that I'm pregnant with #2 and I had no idea how/when to tell her. I finally told her husband and he and I are working together to figure out when/how to tell her as well as figuring out distraction techniques. The last time she heard about a pregnancy she tried to run her car into a tree!
post #16 of 18
4/7/09 at 9:58pm
oh, i am so sorry for her loss.
post #17 of 18
4/8/09 at 6:12am
I'm so sorry that you're friend has such complications with her baby.

I think you need to tell her, but of course do it gently. If you are such close friends as you've described, she will no doubt be happy for you even while she deals with her own stresses. Last year when I had my blighted ovum miscarriage, it seemed everyone around me was pg, including several close friends. My loss in no way prevented me from being happy for their news and eventual births. Yes, I did have a little pang of heartache at times, but it was in no way directed at any of my friends or neighbors having pregnancies/babies.

ETA:
I just read that her baby died. I agree to give her some grieving time, but then do tell her when the moment is right. How hard.
post #18 of 18
4/8/09 at 6:58pm
I will tell you what helped me- when my son was born still, I was (and still am) devastated. My best friend got pregnant a month later and was afraid to tell me. She eventually did when she could not hide it anymore, but she told me in a way that was kinda.. well, not celebratory. She was kinda quiet about it, as if she were almost breaking bad news. Not that she thought it was bad news.. but she didn't say "Guess what? I am PREGNANT!" She said "I hope this does not upset you, but i feel that I have to tell you now that I am pregnant." No fanfare or anything.. which was actually kinda good. I was happy for her and grateful that she was sympathetic toward my loss.

Hope that helps.. she ended up losing a baby later on when i was pregnant and I told her how bad I felt. She said "Kerri, it is possible to be happy about your baby and sad about my own at the same time." That helped me alot.
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